To ask what to do now dd has been caught shoplifting?

[Carrotsontrees]

I’m at a bit of a loss at what to do and can’t feel any anger, only disappointment. This afternoon I got a call from dd’s (15 years old) phone and it was a loss prevention manager of a high street store telling me I needed to pick her up as she was caught shoplifting. She was visibly upset when there, had definitely been crying, but look so ashamed and could barely look at me when apologising. Luckily, they didn’t press charges or involve the police and she got away with a ban from the shop but I don’t know if I need to take this further and punish at home- she seems to be in shock- very quiet, embarrassed and barely at dinner. She says it was the first time but I’m not so sure as she has had a lot of new clothes over the past month and although she has a job she wouldn’t usually spend so much money.

Only you know your child. If you think she has learnt her lesson, especially as she has been caught & had the humiliation of calling you there to collect her, then she has hopefully learnt her lesson. Does she seem remorseful? Have a good talk about it, then forgive her and move on. All the best.

Stealing never starts with clothes though does it? It's usually the odd mascara up the sleeve in Superdrug, small items that would fit in your hand. You need some bottle to steal clothes and that bottle comes from having got away with theft previously.

You are seriously deluding yourself if you think it's the first time she's done this. It needs to stop now, for her own good. If that means parental punishment then so be it. You don't want to be here in 5 years time asking what items you can take into Styal.

I’m in the minority here along the same line of thought as you op. Knowing you’ve fucked up and feeling that shame and remorse is enough; my own mother even now as an adult will haul me over the coals over and over and over. Life isn’t worth living.

I'm even more appalled that she 'thought she could get away with it'. I work in retail and I can tell you that the number of people who think it is all right to steal from a shop is horrendous! And once it starts, it carries on and on and next time, she might well find herself down at the police station and she would deserve everything she got! I can't imagine how long I would ground her for, but I once grounded DD1 for 3 weeks for being cheeky to the babysitter. She was allowed to leave her room for school, meals and to use the bathroom and that was it! If you forgive your DD just like that, she will think, consciously or otherwise, that she has got away with it and will do it again elsewhere.

She’s a thief and got caught. Hopefully the first and last time. Of course she needs punishing. She’s breached your trust in her.

I would suggest taking the value of the items she has stolen out of her bank account and letting her earn it back.

I dare say she was doing it for the thrill and excitement - and of course getting stuff for free.
Getting caught may possibly have been the best thing - and given what you say about the state of her afterwards, I doubt she'll risk it again.
But I'd def. impose some sanctions at home - and drive it home to her very hard how lucky she was that the police weren't involved.

As a teen I had friends who regularly shoplifted, and if I'd ever been tempted the sight of one of them who I bumped into - fleeing from a shop after nicking a jumper - would have been enough to stop me. She was scared absolutely shitless.

*When young people steal it's generally to compensate for what they perceive is a 'lack of' in their lives.

This could be due to lack of self-esteem and feeling they will be esteemed by having nice clothes, a lack of love - feeling that they're not loved or siblings are more loved than they are, perhaps they feel they're not as clever as others and stealing is way to prove they can be clever at getting something for nothing, the list is endless and even if it comes down to pure greed there's a hunger to to fill the 'lack'. *

Nonsense.

I stole things from shops because I wanted them. I thought rules were for mugs, I thought shop workers were imbeciles and I was so much brighter than them that I was smart enough to get away with it.

This could be a defining moment for her, she's shocked yes, but when that wears off she's gotten away with shoplifting, she wasn't arrested, hasn't paid anything to the store. She's been given a free pass. Is that the lasting impression she should have?

I don't like punishment but there have got to be consequences.

She needs a discussion about how disappointed and shocked you are, about how it changes your view and level of trust in her because you didn't think she was capable of shoplifting and were clearly wrong.

I also think it's reasonable to take her pocket money for the week/month, however you distribute it. I'd be tempted to have her donate it to a homeless charity, so that someone who has nothing can benefit. Maybe make her think about how privileged she is and how unnecessary stealing was for her when she has so much already.

I was caught shoplifting at around 14. It was things for myself and for my friends who knew better than to do it themselves. I think I was doing it for the thrill. The shop owners did call the police and I was put in a cell until my father came to collect me.

It was one of the most devastating experiences I’ve had. I don’t recall my home punishment apart from having to show receipts for recent purchases but I never did it again.

I think ending up in a police cell was enough deterrent for me. If my child was ever caught I’d hope for the same to happen. As suggested above, a letter to the shop owner and hand delivered might work.

There's some right arseholes on this thread. For some reason people are very keen to chuck around extreme opinions online whereas in real life they would be loads less harsh.

Everyone who is saying they have shoplifted when younger (including myself) says that being caught was a big enough shock to turn it around for them.

My DD did it too, got caught, was mortified and never did it again.

Please don't make your daughter feel worse. I'm sure she won't become a master criminal. Punishment is horrible and it's counter productive.

Talk to her. I was caught shop lifting around 13/14. My dad went ballistic and I didn't do it again but I spiralled into depression, self harm and suicide attempts because of poor mental health. I was a goody two shoes, always been successful and always seemed to be doing well and have achieved all that was expected, good exam results, good job etc.

Maybe to many people that is enough, but inside I was tormented and in later years came very close to ending my own life on multiple occasions.

Not that this is necessarily your daughter, but just a bit disturbed by everyone preaching punishment. I would advise counselling and looking at underlying issues.

I was caught shoplifting at 15. I got a police caution. It was a horrible ordeal and a massive wake up call. My parents didn’t punish me, they didn’t need to. They picked me up from the police station and gave me a hug. I knew they were so disappointed, it didn’t need saying.
Advice - help get extricate herself socially from any negative influences, so lots of unmissable family dinners. Time with siblings and grandparents. Good to spend time with loving and supportive grown ups. Punishments are for people who have lost control - you haven’t, help her see she hasn’t

I got caught shoplifting when I was 15- I had done it many times before because I wanted to- no self esteem issues etc. I got put in a police cell and given a temporary caution for 5 years. Never did it again. I was grounded for a month and my parents were so mad! I turned out fine, qualified as a social worker and never stolen since.

Definitely punish her- she may know what she did is wrong and never do it again but I can't imagine not being punished or giving my child a punishment for something so serious.

I'd want to know a bit more about her friends. They may also be doing it. There's an element of group activity about shoplifting in teenagers,even if they're not actually together at the time.

She's had the wake up call by what happened today. She'll know how disappointed and shocked you are in her actions. I doubt she's on her way to a life of crime. An honest,if difficult,talk about trusting her would be far more effective than random punishments.

I agree with the person who suggested looking through her bank app and seeing if her spending adds up to the clothes she has got and if it doesn’t then she needs to repay the money to the shop.

I think you need to look into why she did it. I don’t think it’s normal for teens to shoplift, especially given that they are more likely to get caught with technology these days.

Don't punish, FFS. Punishment is what wankers and petty bullies do to make themselves feel powerful. It will not help.

So to take this to it’s most ridiculous conclusion, we never deprive any criminal of their freedom by sending them to prison even if they are murderers, rapists or paedophiles? What pathetic bullshit.

I don't think penalising her by way of grounding/pocket money sanction is necessarily the way to go or in the least it's not all that needs to be done.

There is a reason why she stole, it may be a silly reason or it may be something deeper, whatever that reason is you really need to help her resolve the issue(s). The instant suggestion from some of coming down on her like a tonne of bricks is wrong in my opinion (but you're her mother, you decide) because I feel there is a backstory somewhere that she hasn't yet confided in you.

Ask her why she did it . She has a job and money. So why did she feel the need to steal .

I know someone who did it for the thrill of not getting caught (as a teenager) . I met this person as an adult , and they did get caught eventually and his mums disappointed and upset reaction ensured he never did it again .

But the key thing is he was doing it for a thrill .

Sounds crazy to me ... but you need to understand why To help her stop this sort of thing .

Alexa, i would want the people you listed locked up for my own protection, to make the streets safer. I think the re-offending rates speak for themselves that locking criminals up doesn't work as a punishment for most of them.

I would be picking out her new clothing and making her show you receipts or bank account showing proof she paid for items. If she could not prove she paid for each item they would be sent to charity shop. I would have a chat and tell her I was ashamed of her and needed to believe I could trust her. In future all purchases must come with receipts until she has proved herself trustworthy again.