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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what to do now dd has been caught shoplifting?

215 replies

Carrotsontrees · 25/10/2019 23:04

I’m at a bit of a loss at what to do and can’t feel any anger, only disappointment. This afternoon I got a call from dd’s (15 years old) phone and it was a loss prevention manager of a high street store telling me I needed to pick her up as she was caught shoplifting. She was visibly upset when there, had definitely been crying, but look so ashamed and could barely look at me when apologising. Luckily, they didn’t press charges or involve the police and she got away with a ban from the shop but I don’t know if I need to take this further and punish at home- she seems to be in shock- very quiet, embarrassed and barely at dinner. She says it was the first time but I’m not so sure as she has had a lot of new clothes over the past month and although she has a job she wouldn’t usually spend so much money.

OP posts:
darkcloudsandrainstorms · 26/10/2019 00:24

No. Absolutely not. I had the same experience with a DC the same age. There is no need. Just support her. She won’t do it again. You don’t even need to have a talk. She’s already done that. I actually had to lighten the atmosphere.

You live by compassion, love and example.

Candymay · 26/10/2019 00:26

The same happened with my son. I was called to the store. I gave him a hug and took him for a Frappuccino. He was shocked and embarrassed enough and didn’t need further punishment. As far as I know he hasn’t repeated this. I think everyone deserves a chance.

cauliflowersqueeze · 26/10/2019 00:30

I would go down the line of trust being broken and get her to show you past receipts and future ones.

scoobydoo1971 · 26/10/2019 00:30

I shoplifted rather prolifically as a teenager. I never got caught but this was in the days before CCTV and tags. I was skint and came from a poor family so this was a means to an end. One time I nearly got caught, and that put an end to it. I haven't been in trouble with the law in the several decades that followed, although mature eyes see the harm to retail from stealing.

Your daughter had a wake up call about her conduct, and this is your window of opportunity for curtailing stealing. You need to get to grips with her spending. If she buys something and cannot produce a receipt, take it back to the shop. Go in her bedroom and look for unexplained items. She brought trouble to your home, so she loses her right to privacy when she could be storing stolen goods. Do an audit of her new wardrobe of clothing...if she cannot show you a bank statement or proof of purchase then it is reasonable to assume she has been on the rob. If she thinks you are not taking a strict approach now then she may carry on shoplifting, and if she is prosecuted then it will be goodbye to many career paths.

pallisers · 26/10/2019 00:31

I don't think punishment is what is needed here. (not a big fan of punishment myself)

What is needed here is you talking to her and listening to her and her explaining why this happened. Don't presume this event is enough to stop her. Give your own narrative/discussion

sleepyhead · 26/10/2019 00:34

Actually, I think the getting caught is a great thing for her. She probably won't do it again as she's just an opportunistic thief at the moment. It won't have featured in her planning that she might actually get caught.

It likely felt quite thrilling that she might, and she probably felt quite clever getting away with it, like winning a game. The reality will have felt like a freezing cold shower.

It's worth reminding her about criminal records, DBS checks etc. That these things can follow you around and that she's been fucking lucky.

Perunatop · 26/10/2019 00:35

I suggest a serious talk about the consequences of a criminal record (which she has fortunately avoided) in terms of DBS checks and possible future careers. And perhaps get her to donate some of her wages to a suitable charity of her/your choice to make amends.

Justaboy · 26/10/2019 00:43

Bit of a confession here:!.

When i were a lad around 12 or so years old some of us used to go into Woolworths and Marks and sparks and yep, we use to nick things!!

It wasnt anything we needed or were desperate for, it was more a game of "dare" to see who might get caught. Or sometimes to see who could nick the most a in a given time. Once we'd nicked it and seen who had won we used to go and put it all back, and tried to remain un-noticed!

I think the idea came from Angling where you catch a fish and then let it go. Sometimes we use dot put it back in anothe rplace we though the shop staff might be amused as to how things moved around!

One day the inevitable happened and I got caught and was held in the shop but was released. In those days hardley any one had a phone at home so parents couldnt be called and no ones parents had a car anyway.

It seemed it would be reported to school but i never heard anything further we were questioned as to how many of us were in the "gang" but I never gressed on my mates. The practice, game raher, rapidly died out.

No police involment. I think the shop staff thought it was some idoit schoolchildren messing around which in effect it was. They were quite surpised when I showed them how we did it and moved it around they were I reckon were a bit impressed.

The thought of what shame we'd be in plus in those days you never complained re any punshiment out of school as you'd get it from your
reinforced dad when he found out!

Never did that ever again, been straight for what, some 50 years now!

Bouledeneige · 26/10/2019 00:58

it is extremely common amongst schoolkids and teens and only a fraction get caught. I think a lot do it as a dare, a joke, a thrill, because they think they can or because they want the stuff. But often they nick stuff they don't even want (I know from what my DS told me about friends of his who got caught nicking cheddar from Sainsbury's!). Stupid dicks.

I think what I would want to know is the truth - did she do it on her own (thats much rarer I think?), was it the first time, what else has she taken. I think then I wouldn't go in all guns blazing but I would definitely make it clear that she had let herself and me down and would have to earn back privileges and trust. I know my kids are absolutely gutted if they think they I am really disappointed or let down by them or angry with them. It has to be stern, but not World War 3. She will be feeling very shocked and frightened and ashamed.

OMGshefoundmeout · 26/10/2019 01:04

The shop ‘let her off’ because it is time consuming for them to press charges and it won’t benefit them financially. By banning a known thief they have got the result they need at minimum expense to themselves.

You need to think about the result you need - what message do you want to give your daughter?

I think it would be very poor parenting to let theft go unpunished just because it was a relatively small amount. What message does that give her? To me that would be telling her that stealing small items is ok. At what price point would you start punishing, would she have to steal something worth £25 or £50 or could she go to £100 without consequences?

You don’t have to be draconian about it, but a grounding and loss of phone for a couple of weeks would at least let her know you are taking this seriously. I would also tell her to keep all receipts in future so you can be sure anything she brings home is paid for. I wouldn’t let her keep anything without proof of purchase until she has shown you she can be trusted again.

janaus50s · 26/10/2019 01:09

My son shop lifted a lolly pop. On a dare. Store owner called me and told me and asked what he should do. I told him to call the police. He was astounded, but it was only a Lolly pop.
He called the police, who arrived, gave him the biggest dressing down ever.
I wanted to make sure it never happened again.

HoliBobber · 26/10/2019 01:12

Back in the day the Police would have been called but nowadays they wouldn't come out or are less likely to for shoplifting.

I'd land on the side of fact after the initial reactions - lucky not to have got criminal record, why its wrong.

Ask what is she going to do differently now, how is she going to make it up (have things up your sleeve).

Re. Issue of other clothes, not sure what you can do, but going forward maybe help her with budgeting.

HoliBobber · 26/10/2019 01:13

Also agree checking purchases for a while.

Pixxie7 · 26/10/2019 01:41

I think it important that you let her know that you love her but are disappointed and hurt by her actions. As far as punishment I would ask her what she thinks you should do. Her answer will tell you all you need to know.

Bluerussian · 26/10/2019 01:41

Op, I've only read first and last pages - so far.

First of all, you have my sympathy. What I think is important is that you talk seriously to your daughter and listen carefully, so you may get an idea of why she shop lifted. Then tackle the reason or reasons.

Other than that, which I believe would be helpful for both of you, perhaps keep her in more than usual for a while and enforce a curfew for when she does go out. Not forever, just for a few weeks, then gradually reduce. Just a thought.

Cailleachian · 26/10/2019 02:02

Yeah, lots of different possibilities

  • adrenaline rush of thrill seeking
  • impressing friends with tales of derring do
  • impressing friends with latest gear
  • body confidence issues making her want lots of clothes
  • attention seeking, wanting to get caught
  • self-esteem issues
  • security issues around not wanting to spend her wages
  • keeping up with Joneses to have brands she cant afford

A good chat is likely to be far more productive than a punishment.

nestisflown · 26/10/2019 02:20

Please ignore other posters OP and don't punish her. She received punishment by getting caught. I would talk with her and see if there's anything going on though that meant she wanted to shoplift.

This same scenario happened with my sister, except she was brought home in a police car. My parents didn't tell her off at all they just took her in the house and talked it through with her. My sister was so ashamed at the time that she only told me a few years ago about the incident (I already knew though because my mum told me in confidence at the time). It's one of the times in her childhood that my sister recalls as a standout moment of parenting, and she is so grateful that my parents didn't tell her off as she already felt humiliated. For her she only tried to shoplift because her friends were all doing it, and she got caught at first attempt. Anyway, she's never been in trouble with the law since, has a great job (in law), earning great money and is a kind person.

So I would assess the situation over the next few days, talk to your daughter and see if you feel the lesson has sunk in. If it hasn't, then and then would I consider punishment. But if you crack the whip hard on her you might miss an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and get her to open up with you.

PumpkinP · 26/10/2019 02:37

I was caught shoplifting at around 10/11. They demanded my address and said they would write to my mum. I waited ages for the letter to arrive. months went by but it never did, I never stole again and stayed out of the shop for a long time after that. Telling my mum that it was embarrassing shopping in there. But like I said I never stole again though so sometimes being caught is enough

Walnutwhipster · 26/10/2019 02:53

Has she shown you the receipts from the clothes she's bought recently?

Bluerussian · 26/10/2019 05:24

nestisflown

Great post from you! For what it's worth, I agree; the way your parents dealt with your poor sister was marvellous and the scenario is a good example for this thread.

Seahorseshoe · 26/10/2019 05:31

There has to be consequences to a criminal offence op. My niece was caught shop lifting years ago, she ended up in the cells, no charges were pressed, but it scared the living wits out of her, having her mum flipping out in front of the police, when we picked her up, helped too (the police were lovely, they said privately that she was a lovely girl and they didn't think she'd do it again. - she didn't).

It's a shame your didn't have a couple of hours in the cells, might have freaked her out of a thieving mindset. She needs consequences, you should set some op.

PhilCornwall1 · 26/10/2019 05:36

I never punish. I don't think it works.

Good luck with that.

Grandmi · 26/10/2019 05:44

Am sure the fact she was caught will be punishment enough!! I would be more inclined to try and find out why and insist that until you are 100% certain you can trust her you want to see receipts for all her purchases. I don’t agree with being massively heavy handed ....punishment is more likely to cause conflict and further problems with behaviour. And before people tell me to grow some ...I have three adult children who are lovely adults and work hard but one got caught shoplifting when aged 14 and my approach worked and has never been in trouble again and is a caring,compassionate human being.

Grandmi · 26/10/2019 05:47

Seahorseshoe… exactly what happened to my child and the full experience did the trick!! The police were actually brilliant and said that a day out to remember really does work !!

Applesanbananas · 26/10/2019 05:56

The fact that you are asking is why she gets away by being a thief. off course she had her big tears, she got caught! you fell for it. she was damn lucky they didnt call the police.
So what happened is she got caught, got off Scott free, mummy thinks shes traumatized enough and soon enough the little thief is at it again.
She needs severe punishment. Who does she think she is stealing.