To ask what to do now dd has been caught shoplifting?

[Carrotsontrees]

I’m at a bit of a loss at what to do and can’t feel any anger, only disappointment. This afternoon I got a call from dd’s (15 years old) phone and it was a loss prevention manager of a high street store telling me I needed to pick her up as she was caught shoplifting. She was visibly upset when there, had definitely been crying, but look so ashamed and could barely look at me when apologising. Luckily, they didn’t press charges or involve the police and she got away with a ban from the shop but I don’t know if I need to take this further and punish at home- she seems to be in shock- very quiet, embarrassed and barely at dinner. She says it was the first time but I’m not so sure as she has had a lot of new clothes over the past month and although she has a job she wouldn’t usually spend so much money.

Positively I'm in my 50s. I knew when at primary school that stealing was wrong, and I never shoplifted, not least because of the consequences if I was caught. Lots of my friends at secondary did it, but not me.

If I understood this from an early age in the 70s and 80s, what excuse does a 15 year old have?

I don’t know what’s going on these days, but this seems to be rife among 15/16 year olds. According to dd, it’s become a habit among some of her peers. Some of them like to parade their hauls on SM. No excuses for your dd, but maybe she’s got caught up in this whole ‘trend’ and thinks it’s ok because others do it and get away with it.

No wonder Urban Outfitters is so expensive; its profits must be at an all-time low!

It’s insidious and completely wrong and all the girls I know who are at it have parents that seem to have no idea

I think natural consequences etc are all very good put probably not for illegal activities.

I would punishing.

Presumably it wasn't a cry for help for any reason?

I was caught when I was younger than her. The shame and shock of being caught was worse than any punishment, as well as the knowledge I had let down my family so badly. However I was grounded for months- 3/4 I think. I think my parents wanted me to stop hanging round with certain people more than anything.

I would spend time asking her why she did it. For me my parents (despite being fine financially) never gave me cash. I never had £10 to go into town like my friends. They just didn’t seem to think I’d need it. I felt it restricted my independence and made my life stressful at such a young age. Just taking things isn’t the answer but teens don’t think like that

However my parents didn’t change and as soon as I could I was working multiple part time jobs, spending more time at them than at school. It really wasn’t good

Ps all these girls come from naive ‘naice’ families who would be shocked if they knew what was going on.

And before anyone says anything I’m not going to get involved as a) dd would never tell me anything again and b) it’s none of my business. They’ll get caught soon enough in undeniable circumstances.

Rather than being angry, I'd be upset and disappointed. I would sit her down calmly and explain how the consequences could affect her life, and talk with her about why she was doing it.

(Sorry that was relating to my previous post, it’s moved on a little since then!)

Is your child under a lot of peer pressure to say, dress in a certain way? A bit like keeping up with the Joneses. You say she has a lot of clothes worth more than she earns.
Why is she having to work to buy her own clothes? I know it is good for children to have jobs and contribute but even so why the need for lots of clothes? I feel she is trying to keep up with peer group.
I would ban social media for a start, ground her and any clothes that you feel may not have been bought I would destroy in front of her. You must teach your child right from wrong! Children get their guidance from their parents. It is up to you to find a punishment that she will learn from. Being ashamed just because she got caught is not sufficient.
You should instil in her that trying to impress peer group or wanting things you cannot afford is a no no. She should be knuckling down to her studies so that in the future she can have a decent career so she can buy all the clothes or anything she desires because she will be able to afford it. The emphasis should be on education not on how she looks and it is your job to instil that ethos in her.

She was allowed to leave her room for school, meals and to use the bathroom and that was it

Well, you sound like a very reasonable and level headed individual.

When I was 17 and pregnant I got arrested for stealing a bar of chocolate. I was terrified. I didn't live at home but the thing that worried me most was what if my dad found out.
I have never done this again but did find that the area of work I am in means that nothing can ever be wiped off my record. It luckily hasn't affected my life chances but could easily have done so.
Talk to your child
Find out her reasons,
Tell her you do love her and always will but you are very disappointed in her right now.
At 15 she needs to be aware that things she does may impact on her life forever.
Insist (quietly but firmly) on seeing receipts for all recent purchases.
She also needs to be aware that her stealing even if it's one thing could cost someone else their livelihood.
It is not acceptable.
I am sure this has come as a huge shock to you, try not to stress that will not help either of you. You will get through this.
Small comfort but as I think a previous poster said she is not the 1st and won't be the last. 💐 For you

“Positively I'm in my 50s. I knew when at primary school that stealing was wrong, and I never shoplifted, not least because of the consequences if I was caught. Lots of my friends at secondary did it, but not me.

If I understood this from an early age in the 70s and 80s, what excuse does a 15 year old have?”

I don’t really understand these posts. I don’t think OPs daughter pretended she didn’t know stealing is wrong. People still do things that are wrong you know. People make poor judgements every day

Half term grounding.
Receipts must be show for all purchases in future.
Phone ban (always hits them the hardest).
And extra chores.
And obviously a discussion about appropriate behaviour.

Ask her for proof of purchase for all her new stuff. If she can’t see offer it, then everything goes to a charity shop.

Op, I wonder if it's linked to a type of self harm. It's risk taking behaviour. I shoplifted at 14/15 with my friend; mostly eyeliner up the sleeve in Superdrug (didn't even want them) and once a top, once a CD. At that time I was also self harming and drinking a lot.

I was a 'good' girl, quiet, polite, didn't argue. I really needed my parents input at that time, I was very much alone. I think you need to keep a close eye on her,block her up from school whenever you get the opportunity, take her out for dinner every so often.

I wish my parents had treated me like their child, rather than someone self sufficient.

pick her up from school - stupid autocorrect

The first thing you need to determine is if this truly is a first time. She stole a few items which suggests more planned. Coupled with lots of new clothes lately, I'd want to see the receipts to check she didn't steal those too.

I don't know what I would do but I'd say it was pretty clear that it isn't the first time. A few items of clothing is quite a big thing to do isn't it? Like PP have said I imagine it starts with a lipstick/mascara etc. I think I would ask her to prove she has paid for all her recent purchases and send them to the charity shop if not.

Thank you everyone.
I’ll be asking her about the new clothes again when she’s awake and will talk to her more about what happened and her motivations for doing it but I don’t think I’ll be going in heavy handedly

OP, my dd stole last week from a shop whilst out with school (she has SN’s), it’s a ongoing problem with my dd and she’s now not allowed out with her school group. She’s almost 14 but has ASD and doesn’t seem to understand consequences, she has been punished at home but it makes no difference.

If your dd is upset and shocked at getting caught ten I would assume that she won’t be doing it again. I wish my dd had the same reaction.

I think a lot of kids do try shop lifting, I know I did at the age of 14 and I remember my step son getting caught at a similar age (police were called but he wasn’t prosecuted).

I agree that this is primarily risk taking behaviour, rather than not knowing right from wrong.

I try to work with natural or logical consequences with my dc (eldest is 14). In this instance, the consequence of the behaviour would be her having proved herself untrustworthy, with the result that her radius of action would be very constrained for a while, as would her social communications (checks on SM accounts etc would be stepped up considerably), and, once she was allowed greater freedom again, a close check on every new thing she brought into the house and how it was paid for. If she has a bank card, I would be removing that for a few months and withdrawing her cash myself upon her request, so I knew how much money she had at any one time. The 'friend' she was with would not be welcome in my home.

There would be a discussion about repeat offending in particular and how it attracts exponentially greater severity of penalties, so she doesn't think she's 'got away with it'; she's likely to be on file somewhere as being banned and if she does it again and is caught, this will come out. She's used up one of her lives/strikes.

If acquisitiveness/wanting to have the latest things is at the root of this, look together at ideas for a part time job so she can earn the money honestly.

Make sure she fully understands the impact a criminal record can have on your life. There is no doubt a wide array of youtube videos with former shop lifters talking about detrimental effects. Sit her down and make her watch them. This really needs to be hammered in.

Oh, and while it is not in the slightest acceptable or condonable, a lot of teens do do it, including my now extremely upstanding dh, who has barely had as much as a speeding ticket in his adult life. It's not a surefire route to degeneracy. But it can form part of a pattern of negative and self destructive behaviours if it is not responded to.

At 15 heavy handed punishments do not work - however those who "never punish" are quite often the ones facing this sort of problem at 15.

Life is not black and white and "punishment" takes many forms - for some young people knowing they have lost your trust is punishment enough but for this child it doesnt seem like it would be. They thought they could get away with it - probably because you have let them get away with a lot of bad behaviour in the past.

You need a long talk about consequences and how adults are treated very differently to children. You need some consequences so go through the new clothing and then paying the shops back if they cant show evidence it was acquired legally. If you cant face making them pay the shop then donate the money to this organisation or something similar grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/grant/retailtrust-13373

Since they cant be trusted you might also require them to let you see their social media, so you can see if they/ their friends have been boasting about this. Discuss the size of a prison cell (12 by 8 according to google) and that this might have to be shared. Restrict their freedom for a time - it wont give them the impression of being in prison but explain that it will give them a slight flavour of being deprived of freedom. Tell them you are not punishing them, you are educating them in the possible consequence of their behaviour if this carries on, but that those consequences would be much more serious.

There are posters saying don’t punish her too harshly if she’s remorseful and parenting isn't always about punishment.
This is why the kids of today think they can do what they like as there’s no consequences to their actions. She’s very lucky she hasn’t been arrested.

I agree with this -

*When young people steal it's generally to compensate for what they perceive is a 'lack of' in their lives.

This could be due to lack of self-esteem and feeling they will be esteemed by having nice clothes, a lack of love - feeling that they're not loved or siblings are more loved than they are, perhaps they feel they're not as clever as others and stealing is way to prove they can be clever at getting something for nothing, the list is endless and even if it comes down to pure greed there's a hunger to to fill the 'lack'.*

A common reason is to gain friends by having nicer clothes, or to attract compliments from other girls if she has low self esteem, thinks she is unattractive.

I really disagree with punishing this given that she is upset and ashamed. I would be spending more time with her, trying to find out what is going on and what her worries are. "Good girls" can be girls that have learned to hide their worries and issues. These issues need not be very large to adult eyes. So girls that maybe look down on her as being a goody two shoes, but wearing expensive clothes brings their admiration.

You might find the book How to Tal so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, helpful to help you navigate this. One tip the book gives is that if you want teenagers to talk to you, they are more likely to if you are involved in an activity where they don't have to look at you e.g. washing and drying dishes together. But lots of other useful tips as well.

I also think it is a lesson to learn for you to. I would not be asking to see receipts, but you had noticed that she was buying more clothes than usual but you had not asked any questions about it. This is not meant harshly at all, but it sounds like you need to pay a bit more attention to her and her life and ask more questions.

But don't panic, this should be just a temporary blip as long as you just talk to her about it.