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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Issues with son - gf and my work

162 replies

DBML · 16/10/2019 00:09

Hi, I’ll try to keep this short and to the point.

My son is 14. He’s a good looking boy. I’m a teacher in a different school.
A group of girls from my work found DS in social media and followed him. I warned him not to follow back.
Three months later I learn:
A) he followed back
B) he’s been speaking to one girl
C) he’s met up with her near our home

I don’t know what to do/say. I have supported all of his friendships, but I can’t have a pupil to my home and I won’t let him go to a parents home.

I found out what was going on when a group of kids began ‘teasing’ me let’s say, in work.

I have taken all his devices this evening and he’s devastated because ‘he really likes her’, but I’m worried that it’s going to eventually cause issues for me at work and possibly at home as we live quite close to school.

Aibu? Wwyd?

Thank you

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 16/10/2019 00:18

Sorry- am I missing something? Why shouldn’t he have friends from your school? Isn’t it allowed?

Superlooper · 16/10/2019 00:22

So he can't be friends with any of the students in your school?

I don't get it, tbh, but my dd's school friend's mother is a teacher in their school and dd has been to her house a number of times.

Can they meet up in public only? Ruling out an entire school seems a bit harsh

mankyfourthtoe · 16/10/2019 00:22

Can you ask your head of year/line manager for some input from them?

ReggaetonLente · 16/10/2019 00:23

Why is this not allowed?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 16/10/2019 00:26

Wow times have changed. I used to go to stay/hang out with a lot of children of teachers, both at my school and other local schools. It would have been pretty harsh on them if they couldn't ever have friends round to their houses.

This must come up a lot. Presumably your school can advise.

In the meantime your son hasn't done anything wrong that I can see and confiscating his devices seems really mean.

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 00:26

It’s not that, as much as I am not allowed to have them at my home. I could not invite her over the way that we’ve invited his previous girlfriends over.
Also, I would not want her to know where we lived as I would not want other pupils to know where we lived.
So, I felt it was best for everyone just not to go down that road. But now everyone is upset and I’m not sure if I’m right or wrong or even what to do next.

OP posts:
Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 00:28

Food for thought.
Perhaps getting some clarification from work is the next step.

OP posts:
Mistressiggi · 16/10/2019 00:28

Im a teacher and I can see how this would be awkward but it certainly can't be banned! What about teachers working in a one-school town?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 16/10/2019 00:29

Wow. It seems a harsh policy.

But it must come up all the time, so school must have some advice for you. They can't just say "you can't have a child's bf or gf over" and not give you any more help with the situation.

Mistressiggi · 16/10/2019 00:31

Just don't invite her home. If it fizzles out then she doesn't need to come round. If it got serious then she wouldn't cause trouble, I would hope. Check he doesn't have location turned on in his snapchat etc by the way.

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 00:32

My husband is a teacher also, and DS attends his school. We have had pupils over from DH school as DS goes there.
I work at a school with a slightly different dynamic, so it’s not a good idea for pupils to be visiting teachers homes.

OP posts:
Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 00:32

@Mistressiggi

Good shout about snapchat! I’ll check.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 16/10/2019 00:32

Seriously, I think you’re being insanely over cautious. I knew where at least half a dozen of my teachers lived, I saw four of them come out of their houses in the morning! You’re right that there should be boundaries but yours are way too extreme. You need to chill a bit.

VenusTiger · 16/10/2019 00:33

I can’t imagine some school kids knowing where you live being a problem OP. You’re being way over the top. What if one of them sees your car on the driveway and finds out where you live that way, or walks your way home and finds out that way.
He could have met her whilst out and about, befriended her, had her round to your house for 2 years before you found out she attended the school you work at, what’s the difference.
You’re being precious imo.

Superlooper · 16/10/2019 00:33

Ah, ok. What mistressiggi said, so

ShippingNews · 16/10/2019 00:34

It seems a bit harsh to ban him seeing girls from your school. My BIL is principal at a country school where his own children are pupils - he has his kids friends over all the time. No harm done .

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 00:35

@shipping

Yes DH is a teacher at DS school and we have children from that school over. My school is a bit different. I don’t want to say how as I could give it away.

OP posts:
saraclara · 16/10/2019 00:36

I work at a school with a slightly different dynamic, so it’s not a good idea for pupils to be visiting teachers homes.

I think you're going to have to explain a bit more. Because at the moment, what you're saying makes no sense. I taught at my kids' school for a while. The mother of a friend of one of my daughters taught at their secondary school throughout her time there and my daughter went to their house frequently.

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 00:38

Thank you everyone. Sometimes we all need a good shake and perhaps I am being a bit OTT.
I’ll have a safety chat with DS tomorrow regarding ensuring I know who he’s hanging out with and knowing where he is and I guess we’ll go from there.

OP posts:
Mistressiggi · 16/10/2019 00:39

If it is a secure unit I can see the concerns!

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 00:39

Just to clarify, DS doesn’t attend my school. My school is a challenging environment.

OP posts:
Toffeecakes · 16/10/2019 00:40

OP, I'm a teacher - I understand where you're coming from. It totally depends on the kind of kids. I'd hate this and I would be exactly the same. The fact that some of the kids 'teased' you about it shows they're not the kinds of kids who would keep things low key,

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 00:41

No, things won’t be low key.

OP posts:
raspberryk · 16/10/2019 00:47

I was friends with a teachers daughter from our school, was never an issue to go round to their house.
Lots of the staff at DD school have kids at the school and DD has been to theirs too.

Mistressiggi · 16/10/2019 00:47

Speak to him. Explain you think they are contacting him at least in part to find a way to get at you - even if he doesn't accept this, he might be on his guard more about any questions relating to you that the girls ask.
If they speak about it at school, shut it down, without looking like you are riled by it. If that doesn't work, pass on up the foodchain.
I would make up with your son though as he won't see any harm in it and if he is annoyed at you he might pass this on to the girl!