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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Issues with son - gf and my work

162 replies

DBML · 16/10/2019 00:09

Hi, I’ll try to keep this short and to the point.

My son is 14. He’s a good looking boy. I’m a teacher in a different school.
A group of girls from my work found DS in social media and followed him. I warned him not to follow back.
Three months later I learn:
A) he followed back
B) he’s been speaking to one girl
C) he’s met up with her near our home

I don’t know what to do/say. I have supported all of his friendships, but I can’t have a pupil to my home and I won’t let him go to a parents home.

I found out what was going on when a group of kids began ‘teasing’ me let’s say, in work.

I have taken all his devices this evening and he’s devastated because ‘he really likes her’, but I’m worried that it’s going to eventually cause issues for me at work and possibly at home as we live quite close to school.

Aibu? Wwyd?

Thank you

OP posts:
chatnicknameyousuggested · 16/10/2019 07:51

OP, I know what you mean. I don't live in the UK, and work "high up" in law. We are not allowed social media.
DS is 18 and has sometimes recieved Insta requests from people who I have seen in court, or their families. It's nothing to do with his looks or charm, more to do with people out for trouble or maybe even revenge.
Be careful, I do understand your concern.

TryingToBeBold · 16/10/2019 07:54

I think the OP is hinting that although she does work there.. based on the school she works in, and maybe the behaviour and traits of those who attend, she would be a little worried at the extend they've gone to to find her son (nosing through profiles is acceptable now though.. and I've certainly looked up some people), but also then having her home visited and maybe her/her family put at risk.

She is obviously aware of anything that these girls have done/can do that can cause a difficult situation but would be unable to tell her son that because of confidentiality.

Check with the school their policy on this. And an open conversation with your son. Just let it run its course but ask for honesty and openness. I'm sure he already knows the pupils you teach so no need to touch on how this could escalate.. although it wouldn't harm if you wanted to.

Timeywimey10 · 16/10/2019 07:56

My son doesn't use his full name on Instagram - why on earth would you? He uses his first name plus age.

I have a nickname too.

He also needs to lock down his profile so people can only follow him if he allows them to. That might not have resolved this situation but is good practice anyway. I have always told my son not to follow anyone he doesn't know (other than well known sportspeople etc) and not to allow anyone to follow him that he doesn't know in real life.

do they know their entire online history will hound them for ever? It’s the first thing HR departments go to screening job applicants. Aspiring politicians and actors / media types get blacklisted for posts they wrote 20 years ago so true

Mollpop · 16/10/2019 07:59

Why can't he go to her house?

britnay · 16/10/2019 08:05

I used to live on campus at a boarding school where my parents taught. I would often join in social events with my teachers and hang out at their houses. It didn't alter anything in the classroom. Though maybe we were better at being respectful and keeping boundaries back then...

TheDarkPassenger · 16/10/2019 08:07

One of my closest friends is my daughter’s teacher, purely by chance. Should she never see her outside of school even though she’s been a constant since she was born?

I think yabu a bit but I also do understand your issue.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 16/10/2019 08:09

I am baffled. I am a teacher, so was my dad and loads of my friends and their parents. I have never heard of anything like this.

Agedtoperfection · 16/10/2019 08:09

I could not invite her over the way that we’ve invited his previous girlfriends over.
How many girlfriends has he had?

chatnicknameyousuggested · 16/10/2019 08:15

OP has made it clear she's not a teacher in a "normal" setting.

Esspee · 16/10/2019 08:23

Pathetic how many people post before reading the full thread. Maybe Mumsnet should be able to give time out.
OP Your son needs a wake up call about life in the big bad world and how his actions could endanger not only himself but his whole family. I would suggest a family meeting where everything is laid out openly and rules put in place. (One being not using his full name on social media)

ReanimatedSGB · 16/10/2019 08:23

Not only is there a limit to how much control you can reasonably expect to have over a teenager's friendships, there is a limit to how much control any employer can expect to have over an employee's family members.
Please bear this in mind. Yes, you probably should tell your line manager what's happening, but consider what they can reasonably expect you to do about it - lock your DS up to prevent him meeting this girl? Request the school lock her up? Will you be expected to follow your DS around to make sure he is not meeting her?The more of a drama you make of this, of course, the more both these teenagers are likely to pursue the relationship, because 'forbidden love' is exciting to teenagers.
If you calmly explain to him that, because of your work, you cannot allow his girlfriend to visit your house, it probably wouldn't be that big a deal: they will go to the park or the cinema or whatever, and the whole thing will probably fizzle out as teen dating often does.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 16/10/2019 08:25

OP - I used to work with these types of kids, from PRUs. I worked with them in many settings. For many years.

There is no way I'd have wanted them befriending my step daughter in order to find out more about me to use against me. I totally get where you are coming from.

You need a long serious chat with your son about his online presence and about how you are not able to allow any of his new 'friends' into your real life; and at how these things could pan out.

Also, taking into consideration professional boundaries, how you would have to give up that job should a pupil get too close. It's not about him having a new friend that he doesn't have the full disclosure on, it's about the wider impact of this. And the fact that she probably isn't interested in him in the slightest.

He is so out of his depth here and he doesn't even know it.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 16/10/2019 08:39

The fact that kids tracked him down would Concern me as it sounds mischievous and the fact his social media wasn’t private would be enough for me to remove screens as punishment. Teachers aren’t allowed to be alone in classrooms with pupils or give lifts in cars be on social media so op is right to be concerned, I’ve worked in schools where teachers houses are egged and tyres slashed I’ve taught murderers, rapists, a girl arrested for terrorism op has good reason to be cautious

MT2017 · 16/10/2019 09:02

All my children attend the school I work in, and I have met friends / girlfriends and they have been back to our house.

However, op, in your situation I would not be happy. I don't think your DS realises the potential issues.

And for those of you saying it's fine - RTFT.

diddl · 16/10/2019 09:11

"OP Your son needs a wake up call about life in the big bad world and how his actions could endanger not only himself but his whole family."

Yup.

Have I got it right that he has allowed strangers onto his instagram?

BertrandRussell · 16/10/2019 09:15

“ OP Your son needs a wake up call about life in the big bad world and how his actions could endanger not only himself but his whole family”

Does he? He’s 14. Is he responsible for what happens at his mum’s work? I don’t know- just wondering.

Confrontayshunme · 16/10/2019 09:16

What if your underage son decides that he is going to have illegal sex with an under 16 in your home? And what if your son gets illegal pornography from this underage girl and you see them?
I think that puts you in a really really weird position.

Nearlyalmost50 · 16/10/2019 09:17

Agree that so many people haven't read the thread! Especially some of the teachers!

I totally agree with you OP by the way. I would not want my work life and my children's lives inter-twining and especially where troubled youngsters are involved.

I think you need to have a chat with him about why this is problematic rather than just lay down the law but ultimately you can't have difficult teens with access to your home life. Even if this particular girl is fine, others may use that link to you to cause trouble,

eBooksAreBooks · 16/10/2019 09:19

I don't understand why told us that your son was "good looking" in your first post (utterly irrelevant), but that you worked in a not-PRU-Challenging-environment (relevant) was left for a subsequent drip-feed. How odd.

SheChoseDown · 16/10/2019 09:23

Are you a particularly despised teacher? Would the yoofs wanna trash your house? I can see why you are concerned but don't let this come between you and your son. It's nice that you have met his previous gfs. Don't push him away

TheAlternativeTentacle · 16/10/2019 09:25

Are you a particularly despised teacher? Would the yoofs wanna trash your house?

OP ignore this sort of bullshit. This person evidently has not had to work with teenagers who are not mainstream.

Abraid2 · 16/10/2019 09:25

Agree that so many people haven't read the thread! Especially some of the teachers!

Indeed.

Sushiroller · 16/10/2019 09:25

You are up with anxiety in the night... all the cool posters telling you to chill out do not know the children you teach, you do.

Agree with this
Does he realise he's being used to get at you? Time you spelled it out.

It's time for a proper wake up call. You and ypur husband need to explain to him the proper danger he is bringing to your doorstep. He needs to start growing up snd realise the instant gratification of a ping on his phone could have MUCH more serious long lasting and dangerous conscequences. There are a million girls to talk to that aren't from the school you teach it.
You also need to talk to him about online safety and locking his profile so it's private...

Nearlyalmost50 · 16/10/2019 09:29

Are you a particularly despised teacher? Would the yoofs wanna trash your house?

Even as a uni lecturer, with supposedly non-challenging students, I don't let students know where I live or interact with them socially. 99% are fine, but every few years I have a student that has lots of problems, issues with boundaries and they cause a lot of trouble if you allow them into your lives (e.g. accused of being inappropriate- this isn't a made up fear, it has happened to my colleagues, we had a student who made multiple accusations which luckily got pieced together into a larger picture of their issues, but still caused a huge amount of stress).

Mia3456 · 16/10/2019 09:38

Omg of course it’s going to be awkward. I can’t believe people are saying OP is being extreme. NO she’s not. She’s being sensible. Just imagine if he tells his gf things about family which of course he will, OP will be worried about gossip. I would hate that. There is no way I would want a pupil at my house I would feel I can’t relax and be myself around his gf.

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