Issues with son - gf and my work

[DBML]

Hi, I’ll try to keep this short and to the point.

My son is 14. He’s a good looking boy. I’m a teacher in a different school.
A group of girls from my work found DS in social media and followed him. I warned him not to follow back.
Three months later I learn:
A) he followed back
B) he’s been speaking to one girl
C) he’s met up with her near our home

I don’t know what to do/say. I have supported all of his friendships, but I can’t have a pupil to my home and I won’t let him go to a parents home.

I found out what was going on when a group of kids began ‘teasing’ me let’s say, in work.

I have taken all his devices this evening and he’s devastated because ‘he really likes her’, but I’m worried that it’s going to eventually cause issues for me at work and possibly at home as we live quite close to school.

Aibu? Wwyd?

Thank you

This sounds like a bullying situation. You obviously work at a school for kids with challenging behaviour or juvenile offenders or something along those lines. Kids who won't be taken in other schools?
You were bullied yourself by these girls who teased you over finding out who you son is. Now they have contacted him and asked him to meet.
This is a bullying situation first and foremost. You know these girls' intentions are not honourable towards your son - or you feel strongly that could be the case. Are these girls using your son to bully you? Or are they genuinely wanting to be his friend?
I would advise you to seek advice from your principal in the school, and your peers and ask for advice and/or supervision from an outside source if you are being bullied by these pupils. You don't have to cope with this alone and it is encroaching on your family.

If OP's son had met this girl through ordinary channels (party, hobby, shopping centre on a Saturday afternoon) then I feel OP would have no issues with her son having a relationship with someone with emotional issues...and indeed it would be none of her beeswax.
This situation, where a staff member's family has been deliberately targeted by a group of problematic students is entirely different and leaves everyone vulnerable. I fully understand her concerns and agree that she needs to talk to her Head and safeguarding lead (who in my view then needs to contact the girl's family). Regardless of the outcome, there must be no hint of any subterfuge, parents of both the girl and the boy, and the organisation (school) must be kept fully informed.

OP - I used to work with these types of kids, from PRUs. I worked with them in many settings. For many years.

There is no way I'd have wanted them befriending my step daughter in order to find out more about me to use against me. I totally get where you are coming from.

This. Slightly different but one if my parents used to work with youth offenders, it was always made very clear to be conscious about our safety, our online presence and how easy it is to locate people online. (And this was years ago) my other parent was a teacher, I absolutely socialised with the kids from the mainstream school.

Would I want kids (PRU) who are not known for their ability to behave, be sensitive, sensible and safe in my home, with access to my life? Fuck no. Would I want my child getting involved with it? Absolutely not.

Yes, because unfortunately what these kids will be great at often is manipulation , sneaky behaviour ,grooming etc and they will know exactly how to get your son on their side I would be extremely worried about this if it is students from unit type school I'm thinking of.

Do you work in a school for troubled kids OP?

I'm a teacher and you should 100% speak to your safeguarding officer to make sure everyone is fully informed and it doesn't come back to haunt you in the future. No idea what the specific rules on this are but you definitely should disclose.

Is it usual for you to experience wild imaginings of this nature, Confrontayeshunme?

If so, I think you're "really, really, weird" and should put a damp flannel on your fevered brow, or whatever part of your anatomy is causing you to fantasise in this most unsettling way.

The "yoofs" may wanna trash the OP's house, SheChoseDown, or they may have it in mind to engage in far more malicious acts.

And therein lies the rub as the OP cannot be sure whether the intentions of this group of girls are harmful or harmless but, given that they have begun to 'tease' her with information they have gleaned from her ds and his social media account(s), it's not looking good for her and her family and she has every cause for concern.

Please speak to someone at work, op and get help with this. A couple of years ago, friends son was targeted by girls in a similar way (parent works in childrens social care). He was flattered, lied to parent and things quickly turned sexual. Unfortunately he was just over 16, girl was just under. He was utterly clueless about sex, girls etc, she was very damaged but determined and well aware of how to use her sexuality to get what she wanted/needed (sadly this was her early experience before being taken into care)

Within days the shit hit the fan when girl got into a disagreement about something entirely unrelated. Things turned very nasty - I won't elaborate as it's outing and too specific. Outcome was that boy is now on sex offenders register, friends career is over, boy fucked up his GCSE's and the family ended up relocating, and due to the impact of all this are in throes of separating. The damage done is horrendous.

Please do whatever you can to facilitate your son socialising with girls he can safely have age-appropriate relationships with, and if necessary try and get a job in a different area (either geographically or back in mainstream education) until he's older.

Agree you should speak to your safeguarding officer. Your son is being targeted.

If that was me I'd say he can't bring her home.
And I'd be asking him to start another Instagram without his full name. And delete his old one when they fizzle out.

If your school has told you that for safeguarding reasons you cannot have a pupil in your house, you need to clarify the nature of this relationship with the DSL and your Union. It cannot be banned, no matter what you may have been told by your school. You may not WANT a pupil in your house and that is perfectly understandable.

Hello all and thank you for the responses.

Just to clarify a few points. Yes, DS has indeed abused his social media privileges and lied to me. He has allowed strangers to follow him and has followed back, when we have previous had a talk about safe use of social media. He’s usually very sensible, so this has disappointed me somewhat.

He also lied to me and I did not know that they had met. He told me he was popping to the shop and was quite a while. I phoned him to find out where he was and he came back. Later I found out that he had gone to meet this person.

I mentioned he was good looking in my original post as this is the reason the girls said they chose to follow him when they found him. He does attract attention and looks a lot older. Is very tall. It worries me more than anything. As someone else said, he looks more ‘experienced’ than what he is and he is very naive about it. Easily flattered and perhaps dare I say it, a tad arrogant, which again worries me that he is not prepared for the big wide world.

To a pp, he has had 2 previous girlfriends, both this year. For about 2-3 months each. Which we’ve facilitated in the form of having her over for tea; chaperoning then at the cinema and taking them bowling. He doesn’t seem to like not having a girlfriend, which again is now a concern as I’d rather he focused on study, but I do understand he’s 14.

As for school, I’d rather not give too much away. I think many users have the gist of my concerns.

Thank you all again for your time and input. It is greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your update DBML , I haven't commented previously on your post, as a lot of PP have posted comments I agree with. I do not understand some of the flack you have received particularly as we are all constantly reminded about safety online, and your son is at a vulnerable age. I hope you can resolve this isssue and that he eventually understands that you are acting to protect him and your family.

Some schools safeguarding policy would find this a problem.. Mine would

I'm a bit confused about this. When I was at high school one of my teachers had a daughter in my year and she often had friends round her house including me. If that policy existed in our school she wouldn't have been able to invite friends round ever.

Why can't you have pupils from your school coming round your house?

When my DC were at high school, all the teachers lived beyond the education authority that our school was in. So the school was at least seven miles from where the teachers actually lived, and for some teachers homes much further. Teachers who had kids at our school worked at other schools in neighbouring authorities.

I can imagine this could be a difficult situation

Oh and my godson had to delete his entire social media when he was on work experience for teacher training because of unwanted attention that filtered back to a pupils parent who was a teacher but in a different area.

This was in Australia, so not unique to the UK.

Bloody social media, it is a nuisance at best.

Why can't you have pupils from your school coming round your house?
Presumably because OPs place of work is either a pupil referral unit, a place for teen mothers with babies or a youth offender education scheme. So the safeguarding etc is completely different to how it is in mainstream and the boundaries change. It's a completely different dynamic.

OP isn't being a snob, she just doesn't want pupils knowing where she lives. If she works at a PRU or similar it's understandable. I do volunteer work at a homeless hostel, I don't want the residents there knowing where I live for safety issues, for both myself and my son, nothing to do with snobbery.

Hi OP

If feels like there are a few things going on here.

1 your son's lack of understanding of your concerns. It seems like he needs a good talking to about internet safety and your right to privacy.

2 disruptions at work, I know you said you would but definitely talk to your line manager for transparency and to get support as it's obviously a very stressful situation. Also think about how you can compromise with your son. Would you be happy facilitating his relationship maybe with him meeting her in public taking them bowling etc like you have done previously. I am not saying definitely do it but consider it as a blanket ban from seeing her might just add to her appeal as at 14 he's starting to rebel it appears.

3 your concerned about how others may interpret your actions so definitely get guidance from school to help you know your actions are acceptable and school will back you up.

4 worse case scenario she comes to your house. Think about how you could handle this in advance. See if you can build s relationship where she understands your concerns so if she does get brought home by him she at least doesn't tell the others where you live. If you can keep them both on side then there's hope that they might surprise you (maybe not but it's worth a try). Hopefully even if the worse happens school will support you because you got them involved early.

Good luck!

Good evening all!
Sorry I haven’t updated after work today. I was exhausted by the time I got home. Have had a little sleep on the sofa.

I promise you all, I don’t think myself ‘better’ than any of the children I teach or their families. She’s not ‘riff raft’ I think someone might have commented. I just have to watch boundaries.

I talked with DS straight after school. I explained that I was mostly concerned about the lies and that he talked to a stranger on the internet and then met them, deliberately telling me he was going to be elsewhere. I said he’d broken internet safety rule 1. Something we talked about, he’s had assemblies about etc. He didn’t even realise he’d done this. He didn’t realise she was a stranger (they’ve never met).

We then agreed that going forward there needed to be transparency. I want to know where he’s going, who will be there and how long he’ll be. I will drop off and collect him. I don’t want to treat him like a baby, but he has to earn my trust again.

I asked him if the messages between them were something he wouldn’t mind her mother seeing. He said he wouldn’t want anyone to see them, so we discussed the need to consider what we are writing before we send.

Finally I said that although I will allow him to see this person socially and take him to meet her at set places, he is not to bring her to our address. Line manager is adamant that although not a reason for dismissal, invitation home is not wise. I will consider chaperoning from a distance e.g. shopping near date location until I am certain about the situation.

I don’t feel the problem is resolved, but I feel a little more ‘in control’ again. Something I didn’t feel last night.

I know I come across as a very cautious mum. As I said, it’s very different with the pupils from DH’s school.

How did she find him online?

How did she know your son's name?

ChilledBee Ffs RTFT!!!

The ds shares the OP's surname which an uncommon one. The OP's social media is locked down. Her ds's social media wasn't locked down. The ds was using his full name including his surname on social media. A group of girls from the OP's school were able to trace her ds, make contact, and follow him online.

The OP warned her ds some three months ago not to have contact with this group. Her ds lied to her and has been interacting with them and in particular with one of them.

The ds is an attractive lad. Tall for his age and something of a babe magnet, or believes he is. He is a sucker for flattery. He also has that naivety of youth which is tinged with a touch of arrogance. All of which make him an easy target for grooming.

If you had bothered to read the thread you would have gleaned all of the above, and more, and your questions would be redundant.

I feel for your op 😔 tricky situation indeed. This is why I work miles away from home!

What is this particular girl like OP? I appreciate there must be some issues given the environment she is schooled in, but do you know her/know of her enough to have an opinion on whether you should be worried by her relationship with your son?