Issues with son - gf and my work

[DBML]

Hi, I’ll try to keep this short and to the point.

My son is 14. He’s a good looking boy. I’m a teacher in a different school.
A group of girls from my work found DS in social media and followed him. I warned him not to follow back.
Three months later I learn:
A) he followed back
B) he’s been speaking to one girl
C) he’s met up with her near our home

I don’t know what to do/say. I have supported all of his friendships, but I can’t have a pupil to my home and I won’t let him go to a parents home.

I found out what was going on when a group of kids began ‘teasing’ me let’s say, in work.

I have taken all his devices this evening and he’s devastated because ‘he really likes her’, but I’m worried that it’s going to eventually cause issues for me at work and possibly at home as we live quite close to school.

Aibu? Wwyd?

Thank you

Even if the OP were in a normal school, which she may be, she'd be quite ighht not to want pupils from her school, who she knows, to be at her house.

Suppose the dating goes on and then they break up. The girl is bitter or her son is bitter and angry at the girl, who could get caught up in this mess, the OP.

OP you are totally right to be cautious and to make the link for your son that his is a girl he has never met. a stranger. Until they actually met he may not have known who she really was. And for me, as I said, a key bit is she went looking for you on line, presumably not for good purposes initially.

Well done for taking charge, OP.

As I read it, the OP's ds and the girl in question have met at least once as he told his mother he was 'going to the shop' and after he'd been gone some time the OP rang him, he returned home, and she subsequently found he'd lied to her to meet up with this 'girl.

This in itself gives rise to cause for concern and I would be interested to know whether the OP's ds was in the habit of lying to her before he began this association.

I find it difficult to believe it was all random. I think they knew her son's name and searched for him specifically. That might mean sharing personal information at work isn't ideal. Obviously I live in a big city and this helps in terms of privacy but no kid I teach needs to know my home situation. How many kids I have or what sex they are. I'd ensure all those boundaries were in place.

I'm not saying you shouldn't ever tell students things about your personal life BUT many teachers see it as a legitimate way of getting to know them and vice versa. I strongly disagree. I'm very against zero tolerance schools and ridiculous rules about when you can take your blazer off but I also think teachers only obstruct education when they try to build a friendly relationship with students in the same way they would a peer.

I was horrified to hear how much students knew about a particular teacher's personal life when it came back to bite her.

Morning.

@chilledbee
They didn’t find him randomly. They were looking for staff on social media. A few of my colleagues received friend requests which they obviously rejected. I can’t be found as I change my name on social media (it’s too unusual), but DS had an open profile much to my surprise.

@DonKeyshot
He’s previous told the odd ‘white lie’, for instance “yes I’ve done my homework” when he still had some left.
Never something like this. He knew I’d asked him not to follow back (I don’t use Instagram and didn’t realise that he could have rejected their request to follow?) He engages after being told not to.

What fucking nasty judgemental comments about girls who are still vulnerable children and victims - manipulative, sneaky, abusing and grooming others. Of course OP can't let her naice son associate with those types

@broken11

It’s not about allowing my son to associate with types and I have already said I don’t think these girls are riff raff.
For me, it’s about my son meeting strangers off the internet and lying to me. It’s about him knowing it’s not an ideal situation to be inviting them home (school’s view) and putting himself in a position where ultimately both he will get hurt and she will feel hurt if she is serious about him and never gets an invite over.
In all of this, I am most cross with DS for his irresponsible behaviour. However, we have talked and we have reached a solution (page 5).

@DBMLhink they're all 'victims'

I don't understand why pp don't realise that the OP's job could be at risk here.

Her son has been very foolish

Teachers never get paid extra for after school clubs. In either sector.

Sorry- wrong thread.

Broken11Girl nasty comment. Totally unnecessary.

Broken11Girl it's because they are vulnerable theOP has to be overly cautious
Don't be so rude, it's to protect them and her

If i was in your shoes as hard as it'd be. I'd allow him to make his own friends and decisions that come with it. Set boundaries off course as he's still a minor but if you remove all his devices and ban him from seeing this girl, he may rebel and start to act out or even lie to you and go and she these friends. Its better to allow him to be friends with a pupil at the school you work under your terms rather than him doing so without your knowledge.

Oooooh that's me told, two patronising nasty unnecessary comments.
I'm referring to the - thankfully few - posters talking about these girls as if they're criminals, not kids in need of protection. calling them manipulative, saying they groom others. Of course OP needs to set boundaries. But I won't be back if people are going to bite my head off.

My DD has school friends ( boys because they are a big mixed group of girls and boys) whose houses she visits who are senior teachers at her school. The teachers teach in the same secondary school as their own kids. You're making a big deal out of nothing!

Apologies it is a pru by the sounds of it. Another drip feed thread!

I get what you're saying, I would not like it either. Especially as there was 'teasing' involved and they seemed to have an ulterior motive looking out for teachers on social media already.

I haven’t read the full thread- flame me now!

What I say is, I’d be extremely cautious. They found your son, and he’s ‘Mrs X’s son’- let’s see if we can be friends. Send a request and bingo!

I’m not saying this girl does not have genuine feelings for your son, please don’t think that. But if she a 14 year old that I have worked with in the past, they often go for older lads. Yes I’m stereotyping, based on my pre conceived ideas, I am aware of this. But I’m always going by my experience and the percentage of girls that have partners their own age, then it’s slim.

I can fully understand your concerns, and I too would be as worried as you if it was my ds14, I don’t think you are over reacting at all, I believe you are being very sensible.

This is not the same as your dc having a friend/girlfriend in their own school. I had many friends who’s parents taught me:- English, maths,, science, geography, PE and also my head of year and headteacher. They had no concerns with pupils going to their homes, and as students calling them by their first name. But this set up is totally different.

I would be worried that messages shared could be used against you or your son, please please please drill this in to him!!!

Oooooh that's me told, two patronising nasty unnecessary comments. hmm

Do you mean your own when you refer to nasty and unnecessary comments? Because it was you know.

Sounds like a bit of a nightmare OP and I'd be very concerned too. Hope your handling of the situation works. I well remember the strength of my feelings at that age though and at times was incapable of seeing sense because of them. I'd be watching the situation like a hawk.

Not a teacher but I understand OP's concerns.
Recently a male TA that some pupils thought was "hot" was tracked to his home via social media (these kids are bloody detectives). She knocked on his door all dolled up and he very politely and kindly told her that her being there was 100% inappropriate and off she tottered. Next day at school whispers and joke, class disrupted. He'd already informed the appropriate ppl luckily. This carries on for a few days until he's leaving the school one day and gets arrested. Girl had told her mates that he's tried to assault her to save face from the knock back. A night in the cells and its proved shes a lying little scham artist but only because he had a living room full of other TA's and the next door neighbour heard the whole exchange. So fast forward 6 mths and he's had bricks through his windows, graffiti claiming he's a peado and a punch in the mouth from girls not so bright uncle, even his elderly parents were targeted. And that people is why you keep school children out of Yr life if you work at a school.
OP isnt being over protective she's being sensible especially if the school is a challenging one. Children can be manipulative, vindictive and relentless especially with social media. You can't put it back in the box once it's out. He's now left teaching, is off work with stress and anxiety and has moved away from his family to the other side of the country. Take no chances imo

The bit that concerns me is that it sounds as if the girls from your school started things as a way to get one over on you. I can't help thinking your son may be being used, and likely to get hurt. Not easy (or even necessarily possible) to explain that to him...

I'm a deputy head, both my children go to my school. My children have always had friends round and they've been to peoples houses too.

Friends of both sexes as well.

Seems bonkers for it to be anything different for them just because mum is a teacher at their school.

No one had taken advantage at all, I'm just the kids' mum at home.

You are seriously overthinking things!!

My dd went out with a boy from her school last year and his mum teaches in their school. She was around his house no problem and got on well with his mum who also supervises at an activity they both attend.
It was all over after a few months and that was the end of it. Their was no bad feeling between her and the mum when it finished and no one gave any grief in school about it.
I was like you at the beginning and was overthinking what would happen when it was all over.

Are you sure he can't date her? Check with your head. I think it is fine. My daughter was dating the older brother of one of our year 11's last year. Classmates found her on instagram...they told me, I appeared unruffled, something else was gossip within the week. Your son's life should be unaffected by your job.

@nodtik

My son doesn’t attend my school. There is no link between him and my school, other than the fact girls I teach found him on Instagram.

My major concern is that I told him not to accept their follows but he did. He talked to one particular girl without telling me and went to meet her, telling me he was going elsewhere. So in essence, he met a stranger off the internet. He has behaved very irresponsibly.

Due to the type of school I work in, having children know where we live is discouraged. My main concern is that once one child knows my address, they all will.

I am not hated by the pupils by any means, however, our children are particularly intrigued by staff and are less understanding of boundaries.

I have however decided on a solution (page 5), which I think is both fair for now and still professional.

Thank you for your feedback though.