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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Issues with son - gf and my work

162 replies

DBML · 16/10/2019 00:09

Hi, I’ll try to keep this short and to the point.

My son is 14. He’s a good looking boy. I’m a teacher in a different school.
A group of girls from my work found DS in social media and followed him. I warned him not to follow back.
Three months later I learn:
A) he followed back
B) he’s been speaking to one girl
C) he’s met up with her near our home

I don’t know what to do/say. I have supported all of his friendships, but I can’t have a pupil to my home and I won’t let him go to a parents home.

I found out what was going on when a group of kids began ‘teasing’ me let’s say, in work.

I have taken all his devices this evening and he’s devastated because ‘he really likes her’, but I’m worried that it’s going to eventually cause issues for me at work and possibly at home as we live quite close to school.

Aibu? Wwyd?

Thank you

OP posts:
saraclara · 16/10/2019 00:47

PRU?

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 00:49

Close

OP posts:
Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 00:51

Thanks Mistress! Good advice. I’ll get up early and have a chat to him before work. Safety first and then I’ll have to trust him to be sensible whatever.
I’ll mention it to my line manager as well, just to be transparent.
Thank you.

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 16/10/2019 00:52

If all of the pupils at your school exhibit challenging behaviour, it may not be prudent to allow or invite this particular young lady in/to your home.

Your ds may 'really like' this girl but he will, hopefully, see that it's not in your or his best interests for him to hang out with her at the present time.

Jeez, this is an exercise in how to prevent a romeo/juliet situation in a cold climate. I wish you luck, OP,

Caucho · 16/10/2019 01:03

I’m not a teacher so can’t help on the guidelines / professional boundaries etc. You know all of these more than myself I assume.

Are you being slightly over zealous though as to the legalistic aspects? I’m assuming they’re similar ages so you’re it’s a case of not wanting work and personal stuff to intertwine.

I sympathise with your anguish and wouldn’t want it either. Too close to home and when a relationship goes wrong, which seems inevitable, you want to be well away from any potential shitstorm, serious ones or just standard teen angst ones.

It’s hard for your son to have to live with such restrictions too but just thing to just have to beg and plead with him and explain the situation honestly and hope he takes it on board. I’m assuming you have a good relationship with him

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 01:08

Yes we have a good relationship. Though he did lie about this, telling me that of course he wouldn’t get in touch/follow back etc. He did understand our concerns...or seemed to. So I’m a bit disappointed to be honest. Still, I can be a bit over protective of DS and I expect that I do need to consider this too.

OP posts:
Caucho · 16/10/2019 01:09

I’m assuming if he is such a hot Instagram young lad he also has plenty of other options too but that might not help if he sees your pupils as forbidden fruit. It’s a nightmare though especially if he goes out within someone you consider a wrong un.

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 01:11

I started this thread because I was struggling to sleep, thinking about this. Now I’m not even trying ☺️ and I have to be up in less than 5 hours.
So, thank you all again. Food for thought and perhaps some compromises with DS needed.

OP posts:
Schuyler · 16/10/2019 01:11

That’s very strange that your son was found on social media. Why would they go looking for him? Is he that good looking and popular?

Caucho · 16/10/2019 01:12

And don’t worry about him so much as will be fine. It seems you’re more worried about yourself which is not a criticism but a valid one

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2019 01:13

I feel sorry for you OP as you were clear "I warned him not to follow back."

My fear is that banning the friendship could lead to him being more keen on her!

I think I would speak to work and explain the situation and ask them how to proceed.

Be clear with your son about her not coming to the house and how embarrassing it could be for him if this leads to any issues for you.

I think it's totally fine that you want to keep work and home life seperate and your son should have respected that. But having a 14 year old myself, I know some teenagers are not really interested in other people's point of view!

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 01:13

@coucho

Oh the Instagram alone worries me to death. Photos of him posing left, right and centre and a few suggestive comments I’ve had to speak to him about. I really want to delete it all...but they’re all doing it. I wish it was like when I was growing up.

OP posts:
Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 01:15

@Schuyler

They were looking for me. I have an unusual name. They found my son.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2019 01:17

OP I'd also be worried if the girls went looking for you that dating your son could be some sort of elaborate 'plan' and your son may unwittingly be 'being used' so to speak. I am not suggesting you say this as it sounds very cruel but it does occur to me that going looking for your name on social media is unlikely to be the best start to a relationship.

Good luck Thanks

Schuyler · 16/10/2019 01:18

I think you need to lock down your social media. If you have an unusual name, why not use a pseudonym? I don’t understand.. it’s not worth it..

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 01:18

Thank you @Italiangreyhound
I think that’s the way forward. Perhaps if I don’t ban this, it’ll fizzle out.

OP posts:
Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 01:20

@Schuyler

They didn’t find me as I haven’t got Instagram and use my maiden name on FB. My son uses his full name, much to my despair.

OP posts:
WhatTiggersDoBest · 16/10/2019 01:20

As others have said, getting clarification (especially about whether this would in any way interfere with the safeguarding policy) from work. I'd talk to your named safeguarding person as well as your line manager just to be sure.
At least then you'll have some solid ground beneath your feet if you find out you really can't have this girl around.
Relationships are so shortlived at this age, that I'd be concerned about what might happen to you at work or at home when the relationship inevitably ends, if this girl finds out your home address or other details like your landline number and decides to pass it around in a hissy fit, if you're working in the sort of setting where this might be a risk.
Unfortunately, it's very likely that the more you try and separate them, the more DS will try to see her. Providing it's not going to get you in trouble, I'd lay down boundaries (e.g. no home visits, don't give her lifts in your car if that's also off-limits due to work) and let this run its course.

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2019 01:20

If you've got a good relationship with your son, I'd try and get him on side. Really emphasize that as a teacher having your address/home phone number or whatever known by your students could lead to hassle for you. So if he pursues this friendship away from your home it's up to him. But the fact they were looking for you on social media for me suggests the girls intentions were not, shall we say, honorable, so not such a nice start!

Original poster
DBML · 16/10/2019 01:21

@Schuyler

Just to clarify, they found DS instead of me and messaged/followed him.
He told me and I told him not to follow back. That was it - I thought.

OP posts:
Schuyler · 16/10/2019 01:21

Oh ok, I see what you mean now!

dreichsky · 16/10/2019 01:24

I grew up in a smallish, isolated community. Everyone had to be friends with everyone and teachers and their dc were no different. This seems a giant storm in a tea cup. It will be on interest for two nano seconds before the next thing comes up.

Caucho · 16/10/2019 01:34

I don’t even have kids but was one once and my parents telling me not to do something would have had little affect or even worse the opposite one as initially intended.

I do despair with the SM problems nowadays though. Not in a back in my day sense (but might guilty utter such words) because you can’t howl at the moon and absurd to me or not these are real things and here to stay.

It seems like we’re all playing catch up with regard to laws, professional standards and just basic etiquette and as much as I’d love to say I’d tell my fictitious kids this that and the other knowing how I was at that age I have little faith in it registering until much later and past the most relevant point.

As a complete aside I think SM needs to be prioritised as an educational issue although the curriculum is full enough of non traditional social type subjects. Not how to use FB, IG, Twitter etc - they know far more than adults. But do they know their entire online history will hound them for ever? It’s the first thing HR departments go to screening job applicants. Aspiring politicians and actors / media types get blacklisted for posts they wrote 20 years ago.

Interestedwoman · 16/10/2019 01:37

Idon't think this would usually be much of a problem, but if you say you work in a 'challenging environment' I'm assuming you mean these are kids with emotional/behavioural issues or something like that? You don't have to answer. As someone with mental health etc problems myself, I can still see that no parent would want their kid going out with a kid with drug or behavioural issues or whatever.

I can also understand not wanting everyone/pupils knowing all your family ins and outs at work.

I'm sure it'll be over soon enough. Hugs xxxxx

Caucho · 16/10/2019 01:50

When you visit the US, Home Security can demand your SM passwords to see what you’ve posted before letting you in. And you know what it’s up to them!

Their country, their rules at the end of the day but imagine getting refused entry as a 40 year old JFK (after paying a fortune for flights and hotels) for some innocuous posts you made as a teen.

There’s only been a few examples up until now but this will become a bigger and bigger thing. Think before you post - especially under your real name although he tech will probably be able to stick everything together anyway