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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to co-parent with just my DS's Dad?

176 replies

namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:01

This has been an ongoing issue for a few years but has come to a head again today so I want to know if IABU?

My DS's Dad has a partner of approx 9 years, she is a nice woman and I have absolutely no issues with her.

However... she / he involves her in every parenting discussion and every event going which grates on me - as I see it as, my DS has two parents who are both very involved so we don't need any external help.

DS's Dad and I are currently working through some issues that DS is dealing with and every opportunity, DS's Dad's partner is there - adding comments to our WhatsApp group etc.

I asked DS's Dad to meet me for coffee this weekend to discuss DS's problems, he said - fine come round for a coffee - I didn't want to as I want a conversation, just the two of us as to how we handle this very sensitive subject. I've asked to meet somewhere neutral and now he's got the hump with me as he obviously wanted her in on the conversation.

This is all very outing & I'm sure I'll get recognised for this - will name change after, but AIBU to want to work with him on his own on this as we are my DS's parents?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 15/10/2019 17:04

Of course it's not unreasonable. It's great that she's interested in your son but there has to be a line somewhere

Bluebell878275 · 15/10/2019 17:07

Gosh, it's awkward. She's been there a long time so is definitely involved. However, you are not unreasonable to expect to have a meeting with just your ex.

I've been a step-mum for 10 years, I wouldn't dream of gate-crashing something like that. I would expect your ex to discuss and maybe ask her opinion afterwards but I don't think it's right for her to be there.

user1474894224 · 15/10/2019 17:07

Well this isn't a popular opinion but, she is part of his life and she is expected to parent him for the time he is with you exP. So why shouldn't she have a say in the decision making? You and your EX split up. He now has a new family unit which your son is part of and it's unreasonable to expect new partner to care, and take care of your son without her having a say in some of the decisions.

3timeslucky · 15/10/2019 17:10

Yes and no. If your child lives with him and his partner for any significant period of time it may be useful to get her input, and it may require her working with what you decide. Do you have a partner? Does he contribute to coming up with solutions etc? If you had would you expect him to/find it normal that he did?

My eldest child lived with me and my dh and saw his biological dad at weekends. If there were issues it was myself and dh who sorted them out because we were the ones dealing with the fall-out and having to implement what was needed. Depending on the issue I'd let his bio-dad know but his engagement and the usefulness of his input was always pretty minimal. I'd have found it really odd if his partner gave any input because she has so little contact and connection with ds.

It really depends a lot on the set-up and dynamic.

The other question I'd consider is whether her input is useful? Sometimes 3 heads are better than 2, and sometimes not being as emotionally involved allows for greater clarity.

But I can still see how it would grate on me no matter what the logic.

PinkCrayon · 15/10/2019 17:12

I can't see why she can't be there, as ds is at their house surely it's helpful she is fully aware of what is going on.
As you have said she is a nice woman and they have been together a long time why would you make an issue?

floodypuddle · 15/10/2019 17:13

I think it might help to think of it like this.. If you had a parenting problem you wanted to address would you discuss it with a nanny if you had one? That's essentially the role a step parent ends up filling.

Original poster
namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:15

My son is with me / Dad 50/50.

I think my issue is, responding to one PP, I don't expect her to parent my son. I expect my ex to parent his son.

I expect my DS's Dad to be able to step up and be a parent on his own.

I had a 'D'H for 7 years, I kept him out of discussions re. my DS's care as it was up to my and his Dad not my current partner - I know this is probably not a popular opinion and I've been a step-Mum myself but I always keep out of decision making discussions as it's up to the parents in my view?

OP posts:
raspberryk · 15/10/2019 17:18

I can see your side, but I can also see their side too. With DS living in her house 50% of the time for the past 9 years can't you see that this is probably affects her as much as it would your XH and you and should be just as much involved in 99% of the parenting choice?

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 15/10/2019 17:21

If your DS is with them for 50% of the time then of course she should be involved. The more you all pull together the better it will be for your DS.

WorraLiberty · 15/10/2019 17:21

The thing is, she's not 'external' help if she's living with your DS 50% of the time and she's been with his dad for 9 years.

TheMustressMhor · 15/10/2019 17:21

But if you get a new partner won't he or she want a say in how your DS is raised?

And won't you want that?

Bluebell878275 · 15/10/2019 17:22

She will be parenting to a point though - they live together 50/50! My SD lives with us EOW and I still manage to parent her. It's just how it is, it doesn't take anything away from the parents.

Original poster
namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:22

Previous issue was re. DS went to school - I didn't think she should have a voice in the discussion, he did.

Current issue is to do with medical care so I believe it is down to a discussion between the two people who have parental responsibility and no one else.

I am interested in other's opinions and am all ears but just want to put my reasoning across.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 15/10/2019 17:22

It's actually a balance, yes he has two biological but actually he is very involved in his life and is affected (and will need to be involved potentially implementing strategies. 9 years is very significant in a child's life, rather than interfering she is helping and she and your ex coparent as a unit

Original poster
namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:23

My ex helped 'parent' my son to an extent but didn't have a voice in discussions re. impact to my DS's wellbeing or future. I purposefully left him out of it as I see as it's up to the two parents to discuss this kind of thing.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 15/10/2019 17:24

As PP have said I think when DS is there 50% of the time, she will inevitably be involved and, actually, if he's working through some issues, you'll need her to be onside and involved - if she wasn't, she could inadvertently (or deliberately but I don't get that impression from your OP) act in a way that was counter-productive to what you and ex DP want to do. I'd only be bothered by this if SM expected her views to trump yours and again, you don't suggest she does.

harriethoyle · 15/10/2019 17:25

I've just seen your post re the two issues - school location and medical issues. Both will affect her life 50% of the time so it's fair enough she's involved I think.

Stressedoutaboutinlaws · 15/10/2019 17:26

It depends on how the medical care issue will affect the adults around it.

If it involves additional needs in the home, hospital appointments etc then i think both parents and step parents should be involved in the decision, as they will be involved in the process/care.

WorraLiberty · 15/10/2019 17:26

Current issue is to do with medical care so I believe it is down to a discussion between the two people who have parental responsibility and no one else.

Will she be doing or facilitating any of the medical care during the 50% of the time he'll be living with her?

ScreamingLadySutch · 15/10/2019 17:27

How LAZY men are.

He wants her there because she takes most of the load - from thinking about it to executing it.

Shelby2010 · 15/10/2019 17:27

Is your Ex just a bit lazy & expects his partner to do his parenting for him? Don’t forget he’s an ex for a reason & you’re not going to change him.

Original poster
namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:28

Yes there will be additional needs in the home depending on what we decide but it would be DS's Dad's responsibility to implement this - surely she only needs to be involved if she wants to be?

Also, at present - DS's Dad and I don't see eye to eye on this issue so if we meet to discuss, I want to discuss and hear each other's points of view rather than feeling ganged up on?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:29

Also, not to drip feed, they've been together 9 years but only been living together for 2, maybe 3 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:30

Yes re. lazy and this is one of the reason's he's an ex.

I wouldn't expect her to do any of the medical care but I'm assuming my DS's Dad does? I see this as their issue, not mine.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/10/2019 17:32

I don't think she gets a vote in either of those issues.

A voice perhaps, but not a vote