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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to co-parent with just my DS's Dad?

176 replies

namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:01

This has been an ongoing issue for a few years but has come to a head again today so I want to know if IABU?

My DS's Dad has a partner of approx 9 years, she is a nice woman and I have absolutely no issues with her.

However... she / he involves her in every parenting discussion and every event going which grates on me - as I see it as, my DS has two parents who are both very involved so we don't need any external help.

DS's Dad and I are currently working through some issues that DS is dealing with and every opportunity, DS's Dad's partner is there - adding comments to our WhatsApp group etc.

I asked DS's Dad to meet me for coffee this weekend to discuss DS's problems, he said - fine come round for a coffee - I didn't want to as I want a conversation, just the two of us as to how we handle this very sensitive subject. I've asked to meet somewhere neutral and now he's got the hump with me as he obviously wanted her in on the conversation.

This is all very outing & I'm sure I'll get recognised for this - will name change after, but AIBU to want to work with him on his own on this as we are my DS's parents?

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 15/10/2019 18:07

YANBU to want to co-parent with your Ex, but he is NBU to want to co-parent with both you and his DP who lives with his DS 50% of the time.

flirtygirl · 15/10/2019 18:07

I think dimensionalshambles is doing some mighty big projecting.

The op has not come across as jealous at all.
And a child does Not have 3 parents, what twaddle!

Op you sound very reasonable and I totally agree with you, some big decision like health are down to parents only.

jennymanara · 15/10/2019 18:09

But the DC does kind of have 3 parents. 9 years of doing a lot of the care. Do you really think she will not love the DC by this point?

Original poster
namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 18:14

I understand that she is a big part of my DS's life and may well love him but I would put that in the same category as a grandparent - v involved, loving, wants the best for him etc.

However, I wouldn't invite a grandparent to a discussion / decision like this as it is for his parents to decide and agree a way forward.

OP posts:
Pandaintheporridge · 15/10/2019 18:15

But OP says they have only lived together for two or three years.

WorraLiberty · 15/10/2019 18:17

However, I wouldn't invite a grandparent to a discussion / decision like this as it is for his parents to decide and agree a way forward.

I would if they lived with the child 50% of the time.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 15/10/2019 18:19

I think she can be included in discussions and decisions sometimes but not all the time on every occasion and situation. It's a bit pushy for her to be there on every single issue imo It would piss me off. YANBU

Jaxhog · 15/10/2019 18:21

I agree with you. step-parenting is one thing, but being involved in every decision or event is not acceptable. She is NOT his mother - you are. If every discussion becomes a three-way discussion then you are bound to feel outnumbered. Surely the answer is for him to discuss things directly with you only. If he wants his partner's opinion, she can inform you when you're not there.

donquixotedelamancha · 15/10/2019 18:25

I agree that it reeks of him dumping his responsibility on her.

I don't think that's true at all. He lives with them 50% of the time. She parents him 50% of the time. It seems very odd to expect her to have no opinion about a child she has loved and cared for for 9 years.

caringcarer · 15/10/2019 18:27

Could you chat to your ex on the phone when his new partner is not around?

Aridane · 15/10/2019 18:28

YABU, especially as child lives with his father 50% and been with his partner a decade.

Do you have a partner? It sounds like you haven't moved on and resent the decade old partner

zafferana · 15/10/2019 18:29

Thing is, whether you want your ex to do all the parenting or not, when he's at their house 50% of the time do you really expect her not to have any involvement? That's ridiculous, if so, as in the vast majority of couples it's the woman who does the lion's share of housework and childcare. Maybe your ex is super-dad and does it all, but I'd bet my house that he doesn't!

I'm a step-child and I know from both my DM and my slightly less 'D'SM that it's a fucking nightmare having to hear everything that affects your life filtered through what someone else remembers. Both my DF and my 'D'SF are shit communicators, so what happened in both cases is that my DM and my DSM just got given ultimatums on anything to do with us, which was a recipe for disharmony, I can tell you.

So while I can understand you wanting it to just be the two of you making all the decisions and having all the say in your DS' life, it isn't reasonable. He's married to her now and whether you like it or not, she's involved in the care of your DC. And much better that she's nice and interested - how much worse would it be for him if she wasn't?

GabriellaMontez · 15/10/2019 18:30

Yanbu. A child only has two parents. What bollocks from a pp. If they split up she would probably never see him again.

Why would she have a say in a medical decision? Too many cooks etc. She may be involved in his care, so are lots of people. But that doesnt mean she gets a vote.

Pringlesfortea · 15/10/2019 18:31

9 years is a long time ,be glad she cares

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 15/10/2019 18:32

What Jaxhog said.

WhiteCat1704 · 15/10/2019 18:34

It's really up to your ex who he wants to share with his parental decisions with.
Like it or not he considers his wife to have equal say to his. It is his prerogative as a father and husband.
So YABU. DS father wants his wife involved and that's that.
You don't want your partner involved and that's your prerogative..if you wanted to you could and your ex shoul not veto it either.
50% of the time is A LOT. She is clearly very involved so it's probably in your DS interest she gets a say if she will be providing care. The fact that YOU want your ex to do all the parenting is irrelevant and controlling. Their family unit THEIR rules.

Original poster
namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 18:35

Trying to be factual rather than defensive but to answer some PPs:

  • they are not married
  • she has lived with my son 50% of the time for 3 years max.
  • I am not jealous, she obviously does the lion's share in the relationship which is why he's my ex.
  • I have had a partner since my ex, I have been a step-Mum and am now a single Mum again. I'm really happy with our situation in general it's just things like this crop up every now again and I find it frustrating that I can't just deal with my ex 1 on 1.
OP posts:
HerondaleDucks · 15/10/2019 18:36

I think from the level of involvement she has; 50 50 is quite involved, I think it would be nice for you to include her.
However if its that much of an issue for you, have a quiet word with her.
I see things a little differently as I am a full time step mum and mum has minimal contact. I have more say in things than mum does. My priority is the children.
If she does her best by your son, utilise her, don't see her as a threat. She may be the thing that supports your ex to be a better parent, or she may end up taking the bulk of responsibility due to his failings. Either way, if she's on board I don't see how that's a bad thing.
You're mum at the end of the day, so you do what's best for you. But at the very least have a conversation with her.

JacquesHammer · 15/10/2019 18:39

I think it can only be in the best interests of the child to have three loving, parental figures. It is so much better than conflict.

HUZZAH212 · 15/10/2019 18:45

So has he agreed to meet you to discuss Ds on his own then?

Zeldasmagicwand · 15/10/2019 18:46

OP, I appreciate that you chose to step parent in a particular way that worked for your family.
However, you can't impose your choices onto someone else. That's controlling and isn't the best way to get people to co-operate with you.

Let's focus on your DS and his needs.

If your DS has additional medical related needs then it's up to his dad to ensure those needs are met but it's his choice as to how he does that.

If he chose to employ a f/t carer, you don't get any say in who he employs.
Similarly, if he wants his partner to share responsibility for caring for DS, then he is entitled to make that choice.

I think if you prioritise DS getting his needs met, it will help to involve the partner if she's likely to have some responsibility for meeting those needs.

Courtney555 · 15/10/2019 18:47

I think YABU. Because you're not wanting her out of the discussion for any reason other than its two "votes" to your "one".

You and ex aren't agreeing on an issue. And you want to prevent someone who raises your child in their home 50% of the time, (ie exactly what you do) from having a voice purely so your ex can't have the 'advantage' of someone agreeing with him/disagreeing with you.

He may well be in the right. Or you might be. But your reason for excluding her is wrong.

OwlBeThere · 15/10/2019 18:47

Any decision re: medical care for our kids is between their dad and me. His gf doesn’t get to be involved in those decisions. Any decisions about how that medical care is handled in their home is between them and not my place to be involved in. That’s how I see it.

HeyNotInMyName · 15/10/2019 18:48

I can see your POV. I can also see your ex POV.

Sh has a partner that he fully trust. I e PE t’s he shares everything with her, all his happy times and his worries.
I’m sure you would see no issue with him coming home extatic because your ds has done And for him to share that with her. I expects you would never her to be happy about it too.
The other side of the coin is that he is sharing his worry with her. His partner has seen your ds and is part of his life. Your ex trusts her and wants her opinion. I’m struggling to see where the issue is.
He is still the one to parent and take decisions. So unless she is taking over and is pushing that any of her ideas have to be THE ones to implement. I dint think she is doing anything wrong. The ‘new’ partner has a big place in your ds life.

jennymanara · 15/10/2019 18:48

Why would a SM never see a step child of her and an ex split up? The only way this would happen is if the DC parents did not allow it.

I know people whose relationship as an adult is better with a step parent than a bio parent.

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