Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to co-parent with just my DS's Dad?

176 replies

namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:01

This has been an ongoing issue for a few years but has come to a head again today so I want to know if IABU?

My DS's Dad has a partner of approx 9 years, she is a nice woman and I have absolutely no issues with her.

However... she / he involves her in every parenting discussion and every event going which grates on me - as I see it as, my DS has two parents who are both very involved so we don't need any external help.

DS's Dad and I are currently working through some issues that DS is dealing with and every opportunity, DS's Dad's partner is there - adding comments to our WhatsApp group etc.

I asked DS's Dad to meet me for coffee this weekend to discuss DS's problems, he said - fine come round for a coffee - I didn't want to as I want a conversation, just the two of us as to how we handle this very sensitive subject. I've asked to meet somewhere neutral and now he's got the hump with me as he obviously wanted her in on the conversation.

This is all very outing & I'm sure I'll get recognised for this - will name change after, but AIBU to want to work with him on his own on this as we are my DS's parents?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 17/10/2019 08:54

Seriously. She doesn't have to do any of those things because she's not his parent.

And because whatever decision the parents make for their dc should be in his best interest. Not based on her opinion or convevience.

If she chooses to support her dp because he can't be arsed by helping with physio or similar that's her choice.

BeesKnees4 · 17/10/2019 09:01

@springydaff
The bitterness is bouncing off your posts. A 9 yr relationship isn’t a random, she’s cared for the boy for 3 years 50% of the time in her home.
If the procedure requires after care that the SM will be involved in then yes her thoughts are relevant.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/10/2019 09:02

It would involve someone, yes - but the actual decision should be made by the parents only (and child if old enough). Then, if the step-parent has relevant comments and they can be accommodated then that should be considered eg if there’s no rush for an op and step-parent says it would be easier for her if the op was in Dec rather than Nov, then that should be considered and accommodated if possible and if there’s no effect on the child or the parents.

The decision is nothing to do with the step-parent. It’s about two parents deciding what’s best for their child.

OP, have you tried politely discussing this with her? Perhaps she’s unaware she’s treading on toes and trying to be helpful?

ColaFreezePop · 17/10/2019 09:09

@BreatheAndFocus if it was easier for ex's partner if the op was in Dec rather than Nov because the ex is a lazy arse then the OP needs to work out if Dec would suit her too.

Otherwise their son would not be properly cared for if he went to his father's and OP would have to have the boy the entire time.

This is about the child's best interests including welfare not the parents' egos.

HUZZAH212 · 17/10/2019 09:11

Oh okay then. If the child became unwell or needed say an emergency intervention. The step parent should just sit on her arse until the dad returns home then. Because its not her responsibility and its fuck all to do with her because she's not mum.

GabriellaMontez · 17/10/2019 09:20

I think you know the answer really but just in case... in the event of an emergency a step parent should act like any other adult, teacher, neighbour, aunty etc - call an ambulance, whatever is appropriate.

But of course that's a totally different situation to the one we're discussing here.

HUZZAH212 · 17/10/2019 09:34

How is it a totally different discussion? If as a result of the operation the child may become unwell suddenly, or require immediate support from the step mother. How is that then not any of her concern? Maybe OPs question should have been - I feel that my child needs an operation and my ex doesn't. I'm concerned his partner shares his view and as they both share 50% residency of my child. I'm concerned they could overshadow my view on my child's welfare, and I want to have the final say!'. That would be more honest.

JacquesHammer · 17/10/2019 09:37

And because whatever decision the parents make for their dc should be in his best interest. Not based on her opinion or convevience

Of course it should be. But it’s perfectly reasonable for a third parental figure to have input into the decision.

HUZZAH212 · 17/10/2019 09:50

I also like the notion that she can 'choose' to support physio or aftercare if she likes... Although you'd have to a pretty shitty person to watch a child struggle whilst living in your home. But hey she does have that option so fool on her 🙄

ItsTheKissing · 17/10/2019 09:50

Every family has its own unique dynamic. Involvement of a 'third' parent is usually not straightforward.

I speak as a child who had a step mother, a step mother myself and with my own DCs who have a step parent....... put egos aside and look at what is best for the child.

It is never as straight forward as voting! If there is someone who loves your child and you can see that your child benefits from their involvement then embrace it. Indeed, if the child's dad is a lazy arse then actually, a conversation direct with the step parent may be the best for you child. You will not be handing them PR by doing this but getting a view from someone who is with your child for 50% of the time.

Put the child at the centre; what is best for them.

Sotiredofthislife · 17/10/2019 10:09

How long even was OP with the child's father?

How offensive. A short, or even no relationship, doesn’t make the OP any less the child’s mother. Nor is the quality of a parent measured by how long the relationship might have lasted.

springydaff · 17/10/2019 13:33

The bitterness is bouncing off your posts.

I've been very open about my projection - or identification. Anger isn't bitterness, as you call it - though you talk as if bitterness is somehow unseemly.

The woman is a random to op. If people are careful to develop a relationship, going above and beyond not to step on toes, recognising the very delicate nature of the relationship, then all well and good. It is onerous and difficult to have someone bulldoze their way in as though they have the 'right'. It's insensitive, indelicate, offensive.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/10/2019 14:04

@ColaFreezePop Not sure if you’re agreeing or disagreeing, but yes anything like that would need to suit the OP too.

So it’s not a case of ignoring the step-parent or not appreciating their care - just the fact such decisions are for parents to make not step-parents.

ColaFreezePop · 17/10/2019 14:17

@springydaff random to the OP but not her son. Parents often forget children forge their own relationships with other people independent of them.

Bibidy · 17/10/2019 14:17

The woman is a random to op. If people are careful to develop a relationship, going above and beyond not to step on toes, recognising the very delicate nature of the relationship, then all well and good. It is onerous and difficult to have someone bulldoze their way in as though they have the 'right'.

But you're completely ignoring the fact that this child has 2 parents, one of whom actively want this 'random' - aka his loving partner and someone who lives with and cares deeply about his child - involved.

She is not 'bulldozing' her way in, she's supporting her partner and his child, which she has been invited and probably asked to do.

ColaFreezePop · 17/10/2019 14:20

@BreatheAndFocus I'm actually agreeing with @ItsTheKissing

Ginqueen20 · 17/10/2019 14:24

I’m with you on this OP I co parent with my ex who has a new partner, we had a rocky road for the first year but it has got better. Any decisions are discussed between us 2 and she isn’t involved and she respects that boundary. Of course If it affected her she will be made aware of the situation but i certainly wouldn’t give her authority to make decisions for my child and my ex agrees luckily. I can understand that he wants her to be part of it but she isn’t his parent and has no legal authority so she needs to step back and let you both co parent Efficiently for your child’s sake. She is wrong for not making that initiative herself.

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2019 14:40

Springy daft you've clearly got some major issues, and no bitterness isn't seemly, I'm sorry,

This relarionship is nine years old. She's not some random. Irrelevant of how long they have lived together, and the op freely admits that her ex is lazy and a lot of the work is left to this woman.

Bottom line is the op doesn't get to dictate. That's not how it works when you've split.

springydaff · 17/10/2019 14:55

Bitterness, as you call it bluntness, is HUMAN.

I like a bit of bitterness, me.

springydaff · 17/10/2019 14:56

PS she's a random

JacquesHammer · 17/10/2019 14:59

It is onerous and difficult to have someone bulldoze their way in as though they have the 'right'. It's insensitive, indelicate, offensive

IMO she does have every right to be involved.

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2019 15:04

Springy, it might be human, it doesn't make it seemly,,

springydaff · 17/10/2019 15:14

Neither is shitting, Bluntness. Part of life,,

Sotiredofthislife · 17/10/2019 17:06

IMO she does have every right to be involved

Health issues are a matter for PR. If the parents disagree and one took it to court, it would be the parents only in court. No rights for the step parent there.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/10/2019 20:05

@BreatheAndFocus I'm actually agreeing with @ ItsTheKissing

@ColaFreezePop Thanks for clarifying smile