To want to co-parent with just my DS's Dad?

[namechanger111]

This has been an ongoing issue for a few years but has come to a head again today so I want to know if IABU?

My DS's Dad has a partner of approx 9 years, she is a nice woman and I have absolutely no issues with her.

However... she / he involves her in every parenting discussion and every event going which grates on me - as I see it as, my DS has two parents who are both very involved so we don't need any external help.

DS's Dad and I are currently working through some issues that DS is dealing with and every opportunity, DS's Dad's partner is there - adding comments to our WhatsApp group etc.

I asked DS's Dad to meet me for coffee this weekend to discuss DS's problems, he said - fine come round for a coffee - I didn't want to as I want a conversation, just the two of us as to how we handle this very sensitive subject. I've asked to meet somewhere neutral and now he's got the hump with me as he obviously wanted her in on the conversation.

This is all very outing & I'm sure I'll get recognised for this - will name change after, but AIBU to want to work with him on his own on this as we are my DS's parents?

YAnbu.

I do understand your worry about being out numbered though. So does she genuinely put the needs of your DC first? Because if DP had kids without me I would not agree with my DP just because he is my DP, I would want what I think is best.

hard.very hard but she is his family too now.she is his step mum.and has been helping and loving and looking after hi for a long part of his life.there is no way she couldnt have been.its not taking your place or taking any decisions.its being a partner who is on baord for the bet of your son surely.
of course big weighty decision should come from you both.and she never gets to go above you on things like that.but as joint discussion especailly if your dc has something going on for him right now she knows 9 years worth of him so will know his needs now too

Been in both sides here.
Ex had a wife for 4 years who insisted on being involved constantly so I went with to an extent but when they seperated she never bothered with dd

Then he went in to have a partner for 9 years who was lovely and still is. They have been seperated for a good few years now but she still keeps in contact and always had dds back and I trusted her implicitly with her.

The girlfriend he's with now and has been for a few years is awful
Luckily dd is older now but she's never ever made her feel welcome and when dds dad moved in with this girlfriend she lost a room she could call her own a sit was called the spare room

I haven't spoken to her for three years after her getting way too involved and screaming at me in public about something that had nothing to do with her.

It's difficult op but does your son like her?
Does he spend a fair amount of his 50% with her?

Do you like her and get on?

If she's a good voice and ear and is respectful she could be really helpful to you and be another support for your son for years to come. 9 years is a long time.

You need to strike a balance here. Yes, you and your ex are the parents. But this woman IS going to parent your child too, because she's in his life. You should want to have her on side - whatever is best for your child.

That said, yes, you should have meetings just with your ex, to make the big decisions (although perhaps he would prefer phone calls?) And you should also have meetings/chats involving his partner, too, about less important stuff.

If he’s living with her half the time I can see that she’ll be involved in day to day parenting. Whether your DS should have an operation or not is not day to day parenting. YANBU.

OP. Out of interest how old is your ds?
I am. Guessing at least 10
He will have a say in any medical treatment and if he is older than 12-13..and neuro typical he will be deemed gillick competant by doctors and then it's his decision not yours... So I'd be thinking first and foremost about discussion being you, ex and ds.

And if there is post op or post treatment care that will be needed then absolutely your ds's step mum should be involved.
Her life will be affected too, she most likely loves your son and cares for him and as he may well need looking after post this op then it seems reasonable to include her in the planning for this

It is a difficult one for sure. Especially if the ex is known to be lazy.

I'm very good friends with my sons step mum now. He's 10 and they've been together over 7 years. He lives with us half and half (our sons choice) so a lot of his care falls on his step mum when he's with them as his dad works full time.

The way I see it, if she loves your equally then embrace it rather than fighting it. The important thing is your child's happiness and safety. And yes, it will have an impact on her life. I understand that these people get into relationships knowing full well about another child, but if that person embraces it then why not have a say?

Don't look at it like it's a form of control, it's not.

Us three now all parent together. She is included in everything, and is often my go to person when it comes to my son. Men can be pants and useless at times.

I think you're doing the right thing. Its down to you and his dad to parent.

Just a follow up as well, as an example. Today I went to my sons parents evening and I had to sign a data info sheet for the school about emergencies etc.

I made sure she was second point of emergency contact after me. His dad is after her!

I guess the point I'm trying to make is it can only benefit things in the long run. It's much much easier getting on with people than it is fighting things.

I do understand your feelings and that it's difficult. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't always like this. But for me, I reached a point where I realised it wasn't about me. Yes, I gave birth to my son. But there are three people who love him equally.

If she is always there during decision making it will always be two against one and the op will never be heard. I totally see why it would be frustrating and always be an uphill battle.

Speaking as a step-parent.. I wouldn't try to interfere with decisions that are made regarding the child, however I WOULD always expect to be kept abreast of anything that is going on.

My DSS lives with us, so I admit that this probably makes things slightly different. But, my partner works full time, so when he gets home from school, it's me he sees. It's me who helps with his homework, and it's me who chats to him to see what's been going on, and if he's had a nice day.

This means that if anything is going on, I need to know about it, as I need to be completely on the ball and able to react to things and make decisions based on what I know.

If he was going through anything, I would absolutely expect to be told - because he spends so much time with us (and often alone with me) that how could I possibly care for him properly otherwise?

As much as you might not like it, your ex has been with his partner for 9 years, which is a long relationship. It means that this lady has been in your child's life for a long time now, and whether you like it or not, she isn't just going to sit there and ignore your son at home - of course she's going to be involved. Do you want her to let him make his own meals? Wash his own clothes? Take himself to school? I'm not say she definitely does these exact things, but there will be things that she does for your son when he's with them that you would do for him when he's with you.

That is the reality of the situation, it is what it is.

Your son could easily have ended up with a step mum who doesn't give two hoots about what he gets up to or how he is, but as you said yourself, this lady is nice, obviously cares for your son, and wants to be involved. Whether you like it or not, she is involved, and lives with your son just as much as you do.

You need to work together on this, she lives with your son, of course she is going to be involved.

It sounds like it will all affect her quite a bit and require her cooperation so yes it makes sense she is involved.

It's a little unfair if she is expected to have your son in her home 50% of the time but has no say in how things work

I can understand why it might be grating at times (And if the step parent was an OW she would NOT be welcome)!

However, I disagree with your view point of keeping parents/Partners of parents out of discussions & decisions.

I don’t think one of us is right and one of us is wrong, it’s just different ways of looking at it.

You think a child has two parents and they have discussions & make decisions.

I think a child has parents & other adults in their lives and especially if it’s 50/50 care, they live with 2/3/4 of them and they are all entitled to be in on discussions & decisions because decisions affect all of them, not just the parents. Obviously the parents get more of a say but the other adults should be heard as it affects their lives too and especially after a period of time can be just as worried/concerned for the child as the parents - biology isn’t everything

I wrote that earlier and have just read your subsequent posts. I still think you’re being unreasonable. She’s been involved with DS for a long time and living with him for 3 years, whether you agree with it or not, she obviously does more of the looking after & caring than your Ex does. Cutting her out if this is just you being awkward. Of course it’s nit her ‘choice’ how much she does when your Ex is a lazy bastard, if she didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done. You should be grateful not resentful. You’re Ex isn’t suddenly going to step up even if she left him, let alone if she just stopped picking up the slack.

I’m sorry if you feel ‘ganged up on’ but it doesn’t mean you need to back down if you don’t agree. It’s not like there’s a vote

Which school he went to affects her financially & logistically. She’s entitled to say what she thinks & be part of the discussion.

Re the ‘thing like surgery’ why wouldn’t you want to know what the other adult who looks after him thinks? its not like she’s just some fly-by-night girlfriend - like it or not, she cares for your DS the same amount of time as you and probably cares about him pretty much as much as you do. She’s been in his life almost all of his life.

It’s different to being a Grandparent because it affects her on a daily basis (half the week) & logistically & financially.

Try to stop resenting her and try appreciating your lazy Ex found someone who cares about YOUR DS.

I know it’s easier said than done 🌷

If you were actually standing in a hospital, I'm guessing the people the doctors would want to speak to would be the two parents, not the step mother (and, not married, not a step mum to be honest).

I also think her being there means everyone knows what has actually been said etc. Your Ex. Can’t play you off against each other and blame the other one. I expect at times she’s more likely to agree with you than him.

Plus there’s no point agreeing something with you, for him to get home and find out it’s really not going to work because she can’t do what he just assumed she would to facilitate.

@Pandaintheporridge

That’s irrelevant - yes the hospital would need the consent of someone with parental responsibility for legal reasons, but they’re not the ones having to do after care or justify the decision in future years

It comes down to the difference between voice and vote in my opinion.

Should she have a voice in a discussion about issues that will have an impact on her life and home? Yes.

Should she have a vote and a seat round the table for the decision? No. The child has two parents who are perfectly capable of co-parenting.

E.g. on where to go to school, she should be involved in some discussions especially if she's expected to be doing school runs, trip pickups etc because it makes sense she is considered in logistics. But she shouldn't be voting on the final school.

On the operation, if she's going to be expected to do some of the after care or take leave etc then she should have a voice in the discussion in that respect, but it shouldn't be her voice or vote on what is best for your son's long term health and wellbeing. The final say is for his parents.

I still don't see how a partner, who may well be a transient figure in the child's life and who doesn't legally have PR should have any say in medical or educational decisions.

Input yes. But no third party would be involved in deciding if a child of mine was going to have an operation or not (for example)

There is nothing wrong with either version; either including or not including step parents could be the best decision in different circumstances. The difficulty is that you and your ex don't agree on the approach. You've split up because you aren't able to navigate your differences in some relationship aspects, so it shouldn't really be a surprise that that will sometimes extend to parenting. This leaves you with choices to navigate compromises, put up with things that are less than ideal and really make sure you pick your battles. At this point all your ex wants to do is include someone who's spent years with your son in the discussion. You might not include grandparents in that type of discussion, but actually many of us might - because we all have different approaches. If my DH refused to let me discuss an issue with my parents or his then I'd be quite disturbed, so I can understand where your ex is coming from. You need to compromise, or you need to pick your battles. If you don't want to chat to her then how about setting out your view in an email? I suspect your concern is feeling out-voted because they're 2-1, so another option would be to include one of your parents or someone else close? Good luck.

Children do best when everyone works together, if she is living with your son 50% of the time then yes, she definitely should be having a voice in discussions around him, but that doesn't need to mean she is involved in every single conversation.

A step parent 9 times out of 10 is not going to love the child as much as his/her own biological parent. There are some exceptions but generally no. I stand by what I said up thread.

Could you speak to her alone about it or do you think she feels the same way as your ex? Would she encourage him to meet you alone or would she insist she wanted to be involved?

I think it is a balance, there may be some things she could have input into and it is obviously nicer that she is interested rather than unkind.

BUT things like medical decisions and schooling are things I would expect the parents to decide together- the step-mother does not have a say or a veto legally or morally, in my view. She can express an opinion to her partner, of course, but her wishes do not trump the parents who have parental responsibility.

YANBU. It should be a discussion between you and your ex. If ex wants to then share what’s been discussed with his DP, then it’s up to him.