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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to co-parent with just my DS's Dad?

176 replies

namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:01

This has been an ongoing issue for a few years but has come to a head again today so I want to know if IABU?

My DS's Dad has a partner of approx 9 years, she is a nice woman and I have absolutely no issues with her.

However... she / he involves her in every parenting discussion and every event going which grates on me - as I see it as, my DS has two parents who are both very involved so we don't need any external help.

DS's Dad and I are currently working through some issues that DS is dealing with and every opportunity, DS's Dad's partner is there - adding comments to our WhatsApp group etc.

I asked DS's Dad to meet me for coffee this weekend to discuss DS's problems, he said - fine come round for a coffee - I didn't want to as I want a conversation, just the two of us as to how we handle this very sensitive subject. I've asked to meet somewhere neutral and now he's got the hump with me as he obviously wanted her in on the conversation.

This is all very outing & I'm sure I'll get recognised for this - will name change after, but AIBU to want to work with him on his own on this as we are my DS's parents?

OP posts:
PinkCrayon · 15/10/2019 20:48

Since your update I agree with LolaSmiles about the difference between voice and vote and in this case op this is definitely one for just you and the ex to vote on.

Pandaintheporridge · 15/10/2019 20:49

incrediblysadtoo I don't think it's irrelevant at all! This is a medical issue, only parents should make the decision. Discussion about where to go on holiday - dad's partner fully involved.
Agree with lolasmiles it's a voice not a vote. I think for the Op to meet her ex and his partner, in his house makes it all feel very one sided.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/10/2019 20:57

I think meeting him, and his partner in HIS house does tip the balance if trying to discuss. I'd suggest to him that you meet in a neutral place, just the 2 of you. Any discussions with his partner need to take place once you've spoken to him.

CharityConundrum · 15/10/2019 20:58

I had a 'D'H for 7 years, I kept him out of discussions re. my DS's care as it was up to my and his Dad not my current partner - I know this is probably not a popular opinion and I've been a step-Mum myself but I always keep out of decision making discussions as it's up to the parents in my view?

That's fine, if it worked that way for you, but I don't think you can enforce that division in their house.

Yes there will be additional needs in the home depending on what we decide but it would be DS's Dad's responsibility to implement this - surely she only needs to be involved if she wants to be?

This seems to contradict your earlier position - she clearly does want to be, so why would you try to exclude her?

On the whole, I would say that another person taking an active interest in your son's life is probably a good thing. If she were distant and uninterested, that would be awful for your son, and at least you know that she is keen to support him while he's in their home.

If you are worried about your husband being lazy then I'm afraid there's no much you can do about that. I appreciate it's frustrating to see him roping someone else into the grunt work of parenting, when that was clearly a factor in your split, but if she's happy to do it and he's not going to change, then excluding her in an attempt to force him to step up is going to be counterproductive. Your son will be better off with a lazy father and an actively involve step-mother than he will be with just a lazy step father and a step mother who would love to be more involved but is held at arm's length.

That's not to say she should get a vote, but there are shades in between equal parent and not allowed any input at all and I think finding a balance would be good for you all in the long run.

carly2803 · 15/10/2019 20:58

personally ithink he should have the balls to meet you 1 on 1

yes she should have a voice, of course, but why is she (or he?)insisting they go together to meet you - this i dont agree with

its lovely she is so involved in your childs life, but time for you as the 2 parents to talk about a matter alone

ShagMeRiggins · 15/10/2019 21:02

A step parent 9 times out of 10 is not going to love the child as much as his/her own biological parent.

No. You’re excluding adoptive parent, excluding the reality that some biological parents are shite, excluding so much. Where in the world did you get that percentage? Naive.

I’d throw myself in front of a bus to protect my 20-year-old stepson. And he’s bigger and stronger than I am, doesn’t need my protection. It’s love.

As for OP, she’s right. She and the father should make decisions, important ones, together. That doesn’t negate his partner; the impact their decisions will have should be a factor, and it should be the father’s role to consider and communicate this.

Whichever poster said Voice not Vote is correct.

giantwatermelon · 15/10/2019 21:06

This might be me being cheeky, but why don't you cut out the middle man (Dh) and speak directly with his partner as she will be the one primarily affected by school/medical issues. He sounds lazy AF

Wonder what he would think of that?

dammit88 · 15/10/2019 21:09

Im on your side OP. She can discuss things with your ex while he forms in his mind what he feels is right for your son, and then you and your ex can talk about it together, alone. Its your son.

WhatTheFluck · 15/10/2019 21:32

My point is a man/woman who has been with their partner for a couple of years is not going to love the child in the same way as the actual parents. As I said, there are exceptions such as adoptive parents.
I know a few in my social circle who say their partners love their child as much as their own when they have been together just a year or so. I just think in that circumstance, it does not compare.

BreatheAndFocus · 15/10/2019 21:38

YANBU, OP. Something like an operation is a decision made by parents. She can give your ex her opinion before you and him meet up. He can then refer to this if it’s relevant eg if she’d need to do something or be somewhere that would be hard for her or she had issues with.

I’d meet somewhere neutral and, maybe you have a good relationship with her, explain beforehand why you don’t want her there, and stress you appreciate her care but this is a decision for you and your ex.

Theredjellybean · 15/10/2019 22:17

As I said up thread.. To have or not have medical treatment is actually not a decision for the parents, it's a decision for the child's treating medical team and possibly the child themselves depending on their age.
We know they must be at least 9 as op. Didn't say sttep mum was originally ow.

This child should be having a say...

And it would be interesting to see what he thinks of step. Mum being involved.

My dsd had a school. Move decision at age 13, she did 50:50 with us, and I was home more with her as her dad worked long hours and lots of travel. She asked me which school I wanted her to go to. When I said it wasn't my decision she said but I really want you to help decide
She did see me as another adult who loved and cared for her and she trusted me as part of her family network.

op's son might be aware of the implications for his step mum if he has this treatment and might want her included in discussion.

Bellringer · 15/10/2019 22:22

You are right. She doesn't have pr. she should be consulted, you or he can speak to her, she has a point of view but the decision is yours and his

Original poster
namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 22:28

My DS is absolutely having a say & it will ultimately be his decision but I wanted his Dad & me to have a joined up approach to helping support him in this difficult time.

OP posts:
ShagMeRiggins · 15/10/2019 22:30

My point is a man/woman who has been with their partner for a couple of years is not going to love the child in the same way as the actual parents

You don't know that. In the same way? Maybe not. As much? It's possible. We don't get to decide what love is or how it develops. Love is fierce and unpredictable and doesn't mean it comes only from knowing a person (child) through a lifetime.

AnneElliott · 15/10/2019 22:34

YANBU op. I really can't understand why some step mothers want to pile their nose in (no projections as I am still with DS Dad).

I have seen this with friends where the dad wants to get new wife involved - a child has 2 parents and not 3. Decisions re schools and medical stuff are for the people with PR and no one else.

BertieBotts · 15/10/2019 22:35

I think it's difficult - if they have any further children together or if you in the future were with somebody who you then have children with - you can't single out one child realistically and say "Only this and that parent get to have a say".

In an ideal world it would make sense if you could all discuss things amicably. In reality I can see it would be grating. Ultimately if you're uncomfortable with it you should just say outright that you want to keep the issues discussed between the two of you. But you have to understand that he will discuss things with her and her opinions may well sway his, that's reality and what they are entitled to do as a couple - it's actually a good thing - so it might benefit everyone to have that more concrete and open by just inviting her to the meeting.

As long as it doesn't become "he and she outnumber you" because that wouldn't be right. She and XP should have the same voting weight as just XP, IMO.

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2019 22:50

I think it's difficult - if they have any further children together or if you in the future were with somebody who you then have children with - you can't single out one child realistically and say "Only this and that parent get to have a say".
Whereas I think they can.

A child has two parents. They get the votes. Other partners and step parents may need to have some input on relevant areas or be consulted on certain things, but the decision for the child ultimately lies with their parents.

If the OP and a new partner had a child then decisions for that child's education would be decided by them. They would need it have a discussion with the father/stepmum of OP's DC with ex regarding logistical consideration but the OP and her partner would make the decision in the best interests of their child.

TriciaH87 · 15/10/2019 23:08

After 9 years I think she has earned her place. She's not a new fling and I assume if your ex has to go out during the time your son is there or cannot do a school run that she does it. Surely it's best if your child lives in her home half the time your all on the same page.

PanamaPattie · 15/10/2019 23:24

The partner probably needs to be kept up to speed if anything directly affects her. The decision making process is only for the parents.

springydaff · 16/10/2019 00:18

I feel sorry for step parents that are expected to do a lot of the work, but have absolutely no say in any decisions.

That's the nature of the beast I'm afraid.

Does she have her own children? Women with no children seem to have a propensity for trampling all over natural boundaries re children who aren't theirs flagrante projecting

My story aside, it's up to you two. She needs to butt out of decisions and, up to a very clear point, discussions. Of course she should get to hear the ins and outs bcs she's involved - and therefore her input is valuable up to a point. But know your place.

Waveysnail · 16/10/2019 00:28

Difficult. I'm guessing she probably does the majority of the 'parenting' when ds is with them rather than your ex. I'd take a deep breath and let her have her say.

stuffedpeppers · 16/10/2019 05:52

OP - should the mother of a child be able to have a conversation with the father of that child without anyone else involved yes.

The 50/50 - be glad she is involved, she has rights etc are irrelevant.

2 parents hsould be able to have a solo conversation about their child.

YANBU

stuffedpeppers · 16/10/2019 07:00

TO be honest - it is passive aggressive bullying by your EX.
Everytime it is you vs the two of them - not fair and absolutely not necessary. Can he not have a discussion without her - he does not have to commit to anything, can go back and discuss with his DP and then have a decision made.
Other wise the chances of you being railroaded if you disagree are high and that is not fair on you.

I love the assumption here -that she does most of the parenting, what a sleight on all fathers and as they have only lived together for 2 years this is unlikely.

If your DS wants her involved then that is a different matter - I am making the assumption DS is early teens but I may be wrong.

Tyersal · 16/10/2019 07:09

@stuffedpeppers the assumption came from op saying her ex is lazy etc

partofyoupoursoutofme · 16/10/2019 07:23

Yanbu! At all. You should be able to discuss things like medical choices with just the other parent. Step parent's view will be considered as part of the dad's view anyway. Only two of you have parental responsibility, nobody else gets a vote. You sound very reasonable and measured in your thinking.

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