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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to co-parent with just my DS's Dad?

176 replies

namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:01

This has been an ongoing issue for a few years but has come to a head again today so I want to know if IABU?

My DS's Dad has a partner of approx 9 years, she is a nice woman and I have absolutely no issues with her.

However... she / he involves her in every parenting discussion and every event going which grates on me - as I see it as, my DS has two parents who are both very involved so we don't need any external help.

DS's Dad and I are currently working through some issues that DS is dealing with and every opportunity, DS's Dad's partner is there - adding comments to our WhatsApp group etc.

I asked DS's Dad to meet me for coffee this weekend to discuss DS's problems, he said - fine come round for a coffee - I didn't want to as I want a conversation, just the two of us as to how we handle this very sensitive subject. I've asked to meet somewhere neutral and now he's got the hump with me as he obviously wanted her in on the conversation.

This is all very outing & I'm sure I'll get recognised for this - will name change after, but AIBU to want to work with him on his own on this as we are my DS's parents?

OP posts:
Dillydallyingthrough · 16/10/2019 07:31

I think you are bring unreasonable, she cares for your DS. I appreciate when you had a DP you chose to let her get involved but your ex wants his DP involved. Her views should be heard but they should not override yours and your ex.

lisamac28 · 16/10/2019 10:35

I feel sorry for step parents that are expected to do a lot of the work, but have absolutely no say in any decisions

I'm a step-parent, have been for years. I have enough responsibility making decisions for my own DC. DP and his ex are perfectly capable of making decisions without me interfering. I look after my step-kids sometimes on my own to help out their mum, do laundry for them, cook sometimes, buy little gifts I think they'll like but I know where the boundaries are. If DPs ex wants my opinion, I'm sure she would ask me. I have a great relationship with my DSC and I believe that's because I gave them all space and didn't insist I was their 3rd parent.

springydaff · 16/10/2019 12:41

Bravo lisamac 💐

HiJenny35 · 16/10/2019 14:35

Yabu the child is with the 50% of the time obviously this is going to impact on her greatly they are a team. Just because you didn't let you ex play a role which to be honest I don't agree with either. Once you are living with someone/married you becyan extended family and the expectation should be that they are involved in decisions. So what happens if it was decided child was to live with ex full time would she still have no say in it? Medical issues will have an impact on her. Where the school is will effect her as she would have to do drop off/partner being out longer, anything like this she should be involved, course she should, its effecting her life too.

Lllot5 · 16/10/2019 14:54

Nope nope nope and nope. Not a fucking chance should she have a say in your child’s medical needs. Tell her to fuck off

Bibidy · 16/10/2019 15:43

I always kept out of this kind of thing when I was a step Mum and only got involved when invited to.

But she IS invited - by your ex.

Bibidy · 16/10/2019 15:48

OP what is the actual issue with her involvement though?

Are you worried she will disagree with you? Are you worried your ex will go against his own feelings and agree with hers instead?

I understand you feeling a bit territorial about this but bigger picture - it might be good to have a third party's input.

You saying that she's nice and you have no issues with her leads me to think that she's not the type to try and enforce her own views and opinions over yours as your son's mother, so where is the real problem beyond you feeling a bit put out that another woman is in an important position too when it comes to your son?

Userzzzzz · 16/10/2019 15:54

I’m not divorced and nor were my parents so no baggage here. I think if she’s playing a significant role then you can’t expect her not to have a view point for something like school choice. And like it or not, he has three adults that have a role to play in influencing him and bringing him up. However, For something like an operation where you and your ex disagree, I can see why having her there might feel like they are ganging up on you but she might not agree with the ex. It feels like a hard balance to have if step parents are having to parent without being able to have as much input etc. Basically I’m on the fence. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to meet 1:1 but he’s not unreasonable to want to bring her in to discussions between the two of them.

ColaFreezePop · 16/10/2019 16:06

OP I've read this thread and the issue you have is with your ex. It seems he cannot make decisions and parent without cheerleading from his partner.

As a PP suggested if that's the case there is nothing stopping you inviting them both and then only talking to her. If he interjects you can then switch between pretending you didn't hear what he said (like men frequently do to women in meetings) or checking with her everything he says. Throw in a few comments about how she clearly does most of the care for DS when he stays with them.

If you keep doing this he may twig that if she is involved you will not engage with him in any meaningful way. If he doesn't twig then because she tries not to step on your toes you will end up doing mostly what you like.

Paintedmaypole · 16/10/2019 16:31

How old is your son? If he is over around 12 years old who does he want to discuss his health issues.

Bibidy · 16/10/2019 16:45

However, For something like an operation where you and your ex disagree, I can see why having her there might feel like they are ganging up on you but she might not agree with the ex.

But also, no matter what her opinion it's not like she's making the actual decision anyway, so where is the harm in including her in the discussion?

springydaff · 16/10/2019 23:08

Because she's some random to me the OP. A random woman off the street.

Who IS this person??

I think you do have an issue with your ex. But you have an issue with her too ie they're both behaving inappropriately.

Butt out, lady.

Throckmorton · 16/10/2019 23:24

Because she's some random to me the OP. A random woman off the street. - how the heck is a partner of 9 years a random off the street?!

Proseccoinamug · 16/10/2019 23:29

I can see both sides.

Your ds must be a teenager (or very nearly), if his dad has been with someone else for nine years? Who does he want to have his medical information and to be involved in decisions about him?

SinkGirl · 16/10/2019 23:37

I think it really depends what the medical situation is. I can’t think of many medical situations where there’s a choice about whether to do something or not.

As an example, one of my twins has a severe squint and needs surgery at some point. He can’t decide for himself so DH and I will have to decide on the timing. I can’t see how anyone else should have input into the decision whether to have the surgery or not. However, if someone else were caring for him half the time and therefore would be helping with the after care, I’d welcome my input on when it was done to make it smoothest for everyone involved.

If it was say deciding whether to have a circumcision where the medical reasons are borderline, I can’t see how anyone but the child’s parents and the child should have a say. Same with starting a medication etc.

HUZZAH212 · 17/10/2019 00:03

I think it depends on the medical procedure and outcome/aftercare. Yes, it should obviously be a mutual decision between parents and child (if old enough). However if there's say a recovery period of 4-8wks and the child's time between households is 50:50. Then surely the dad's DP should be involved in any conversations surrounding medical equipment, physio, aftercare, follow up appointments and looking to split annual leave to be at home if needed. I guess it boils down to what's actually involved to how much the 3rd party needs to be aware of.

springydaff · 17/10/2019 00:17

how the heck is a partner of 9 years a random off the street?!

Living with ex for 3. So not 9 years.

She is nothing to op. Yet she's got her feet under the table and got comfy being a parent.

Having - very clearly - been in op's position (therefore madly projecting) I can tell you that a random moving in lock, stock is astonishing. And offensive.

As I said: back off, lady.

Aridane · 17/10/2019 00:33

She is nothing to op. Yet she's got her feet under the table and got comfy being a parent.

Having - very clearly - been in op's position (therefore madly projecting) I can tell you that a random moving in lock, stock is astonishing. And offensive.

OP's marriage failed. Shit happens.

Father has decade long relationship With woman who seems to care for son. Lucky boy,to have x3 people loving him.

No random.

How long even was OP with the child's father?

Athrawes · 17/10/2019 00:33

If the sensitive issue may result in the child needing some intimate care or dressings changed or diet monitored, something that another adult will need to help with or do, then it make sense that she should understand what needs to be done. Because Dad might not be there, or might not do the job, for whatever reason. Surely if she is an ok person then she can help?

WhatTheFluck · 17/10/2019 07:36

I think people are missing the point.
OP doesn't have anything against this woman, she just feels that she as the child's mother is having to take a back seat when it comes to decisions involving the child. Anybody would feel like that.
I stand by what I said, stepmum can have her say but it's the child's mum and dad who need to talk and make the final choices.

HUZZAH212 · 17/10/2019 08:22

But to be fair OP also stated she's part of a WhatsApp group which includes both her ex and his partner. She could just text him directly instead and cut out the 3 way party conversations. Or even god forbid ring him and state she wants to chat parent to parent.

JacquesHammer · 17/10/2019 08:23

Having - very clearly - been in op's position (therefore madly projecting) I can tell you that a random moving in lock, stock is astonishing. And offensive

As far as I’m concerned the child is lucky to have 3 parents who want to be so actively involved.

GabriellaMontez · 17/10/2019 08:34

There are many situations where there are several possibilities such as surgical or conservative approaches. Its for the child and his parents to decide whats best at this time. Not doctors as someone suggested earlier.

And not step parents. Yes she may be involved with him. There may be consequences for her as a result. That's one of the challenges of being a sp. It doesn't mean she gets a vote or a say.

HUZZAH212 · 17/10/2019 08:44

Seriously? If the consequences were say she has to take short notice annual leave, or become responsible for giving medication, or helping support physio or attending medical after appointments because the child lives in her house 50% of the time. How would that not involve someone?

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2019 08:52

You're not making any logical sense. You readily admit he's lazy and she has to do the bulk of it, whilst saying the reason you want to exclude her is because uou expect him to do it. You need to accept that's not the case.

For all intents and purposes she's his step mother. She is sharing parental responsibility when he is there. So why exclude her? What benefit is it serving you?