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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to co-parent with just my DS's Dad?

176 replies

namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:01

This has been an ongoing issue for a few years but has come to a head again today so I want to know if IABU?

My DS's Dad has a partner of approx 9 years, she is a nice woman and I have absolutely no issues with her.

However... she / he involves her in every parenting discussion and every event going which grates on me - as I see it as, my DS has two parents who are both very involved so we don't need any external help.

DS's Dad and I are currently working through some issues that DS is dealing with and every opportunity, DS's Dad's partner is there - adding comments to our WhatsApp group etc.

I asked DS's Dad to meet me for coffee this weekend to discuss DS's problems, he said - fine come round for a coffee - I didn't want to as I want a conversation, just the two of us as to how we handle this very sensitive subject. I've asked to meet somewhere neutral and now he's got the hump with me as he obviously wanted her in on the conversation.

This is all very outing & I'm sure I'll get recognised for this - will name change after, but AIBU to want to work with him on his own on this as we are my DS's parents?

OP posts:
dreichsky · 15/10/2019 17:35

It is your ds's issue. What is in his best interests?
If his step mother is going to doing care for him would it work best for him if she has some involvement in discussing it?
I can see you don't want to be ganged up on but if exP and his new partner make joint decisions it may work better to have both of them with you talking about it. The alternative may be no agreement until dc's dad had spoken to his partner.

Pandaintheporridge · 15/10/2019 17:37

I agree with you OP. If you feel outnumbered maybe you could take a relative or friend with you, if he insists on always meeting with his dp.
While it is great if she cares for your ds, she does not have parental responsibility and if they split up would probably disappear from his life. He should liaise with his dp as required, you should not have to.

KevinKlineSwoon · 15/10/2019 17:37

I grew up with a dad who involved his wife in everything. I liked his wife and still do but I hated him trying to give her an equal part or say. So YANBU

HettySunshine · 15/10/2019 17:38

Surely, the more people who love your son and want to be involved with his wellbeing the better?

If you and his dad have him 50/50 then she spends as much time with him as you do. It seems wrong to exclude her when she is as involved in his care as you are.

SteamedPotatoes · 15/10/2019 17:38

I think you should be thankful that she sincerely cares about your son and wants to be involved. It's about your DS, not you. You sound very controlling & ungrateful (imagine he had to go and stay with someone 50% of the time who resented him) so yes you are BU.

Longlongsummer · 15/10/2019 17:39

Yanbu and I say that as a long term step mum who has a few gripes! To be step mums should be acknowledged, and not totally undermined if they are trying their best. However included in everything? No, we are not the child’s mother.

AuchAyeTheNo · 15/10/2019 17:41

Why don’t you speak to her alone and tell her this? You say she’s nice and you have no issues with her.

I would tell her why you feel this way, perhaps it’s so he can’t be lazy and not parent properly and stop her from picking up his slack. If she wants to be there to make sure everything’s done properly then great. The more people to support your and your DS the better

Chewbecca · 15/10/2019 17:44

This is a tricky one.

I know you are right and he should step up but if he doesn’t and he leaves it to his DW then it is likely in your DS’s best interest for her to be on board with any decisions.

breakfastpizza · 15/10/2019 17:44

Not unreasonable at all. I agree that it reeks of him dumping his responsibility on her. And I'd feel ganged up on, too.

Stand firm, you are under no obligation to deal with anyone but the other parent. He can then decide how to disseminate the info to his partner.

DimensionalShambler · 15/10/2019 17:46

You’re 100% wrong and being foolish and selfish. You should be delighted that your son has a loving and involved stepmother. Instead you’re letting your jealousy get in the way of what’s best for your child. He has three parents whether you like it or not. You may legally have a ‘final say’ over decisions that she doesn’t, but morally, she has nine years worth of parenting behind her and a vested interest in the child you share. Grow up.

Canidothis31 · 15/10/2019 17:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have a dsd and although I'm here to support her and her dad, help out and maybe offer a sounding board for him, the big things are up to my partner and her mum. The way I see it when I give birth to a child, that will be the time when I get to step up and decide the big things. I'd hate someone muscling in then.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/10/2019 17:52

dimensionalshambler he does not have three parents. He has two. Legally and morally.

WhatTheFluck · 15/10/2019 17:53

You are not being unreasonable. She can have her say but needs to understand that you and the child's dad are the parents and that you both have the final say. It's reasonable if she has your son 50/50 that she feels she can have an opinion but she should not be stepping on your toes and taking on a biological parent role.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 15/10/2019 17:54

I don’t think anybody is being unreasonable here. You want to deal with him only but he wants to share the load with her. I think you may have to suck this one up.

WhatTheFluck · 15/10/2019 17:55

Um no. The child being discussed here has TWO parents not three 😕

GPatz · 15/10/2019 17:56

I think there is some projecting going on here OP.

You are not unreasonable.

Original poster
namechanger111 · 15/10/2019 17:56

Thanks all for the input, good to see both sides.

I think I really see this as a parental responsibility issue - basically the call we are trying to make is whether DS should have an operation (something like that anyway), don't see why the two of us should involve anyone else in our discussion.

I think she does a great job with my DS and am grateful and v. friendly when I see her but I believe that there are certain things that should be left to the parents to discuss and decide. I always kept out of this kind of thing when I was a step Mum and only got involved when invited to.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/10/2019 17:57

Yes there will be additional needs in the home depending on what we decide but it would be DS's Dad's responsibility to implement this - surely she only needs to be involved if she wants to be?

It's not the home, it's her home as much as his. You've already referred to her help as 'external'.

I can understand how you feel to a point but I think it's unrealistic to think you can block her out when she's been with your ex for 9 years.

yawnhedehihi · 15/10/2019 17:59

I agree with you OP it is between your sons parents. The people I know who are step parents don't get involved with the big decisions in their step children's life's.

Iggly · 15/10/2019 17:59

Just because you did something your way - doesn’t make it the right way.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 15/10/2019 17:59

I always kept out of this kind of thing when I was a step Mum and only got involved when invited to.

But different families do things differently. From your ex’s perspective, she is very involved, clearly. I’m not saying you’re unreasonable as such, but I can see why they would think so.

DimensionalShambler · 15/10/2019 18:01

@BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil you’re wrong, the stepmother parents and therefore she is a parent. Many step parents (usually mothers) are far more involved in raising children than one or sometimes both of the bio parents. Some children have one parent, some have two, some have more. Culturally and morally it is selfish and narrow minded to arbitrarily exclude the woman who parents this child for half of his life from decisions and opinions about his care. OP is only doing so out of jealousy.

Jiggeriepokerie · 15/10/2019 18:03

YANBU. Your son has two parents not three. I'd feel exactly the same way as you do.

Discussions need to happen between you and your ex. He can talk to his new partner about it, of course, but it's pushing boundaries to have a third party chipping in whilst you're trying to work things out.

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 15/10/2019 18:04

I’ve been a step parent for 9 years and DSC live with us 50% of the time. By this point there’s no way I’m not involved in a semi parental role with them. When they’re with us DH and I share the parenting the same way we do with our own DC. It just wouldn’t work otherwise.

I understand how you feel but I do think you’re being a bit U. Whatever strategy you and your ex decide on to tackle this sensitive issue, his DW is going to have to be in on it too if it’s going to work when your DS is at theirs.

jennymanara · 15/10/2019 18:04

I am not a step parent and do not have one.

But I feel sorry for step parents that are expected to do a lot of the work, but have absolutely no say in any decisions. I admit if I was her I would be saying to my DP either I am involved in decision making, or you do all the care.