To wonder if there’s more to their friendship?

[MondayMadnessMm]

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not. I would like to hear other people’s views please.

DH was working at a company but left around this time last year. During his time there he became close to one of his employees. He would give her a lift home, talk to her about the problems she’s having with her boyfriend, etc. He said that he really liked her as a person and he was often telling me about their coincidences like “You won’t believe where MMM went for her holiday last year!” and it would be the same place as us, before he knew her. Basically they seemed to really click.

Anyway, after DH left the company, he wanted to keep in touch with her. He’s never really had many work friends before, not who he wants to see out of work. So we have met up with her a few times.

He sometimes mentions in passing that he’s spoken to her and gives me little updates on her. Anyway, don’t ask me why but I looked at his phone bill. I had no reason to be suspicious. I was just being nosy. There was a huge amount of contact with her number. It seems like, since this time last year, he has called her about once a week for chats lasting 30-90 minutes. I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening. Oh and lots of texts. Not hundreds but probably on about 2 or 3 days a week and a handful at a time.

I’m not sure whether this level of contact is normal between ex-colleagues/friends.

She’s attractive, my DH’s type. I know he loves me though. AIBU to be even giving it a second thought?

[MondayMadnessMm]

He only has one phone as far as I’m aware!!

[Chamomileteaplease]

I do think it sounds a bit suspicious but the one thing I would add is that if I wanted to have a chat with a friend, I wouldn't do it when my partner was around. It's different for different people but I wouldnt' be able to relax and chat normally if someone could hear me. So I don't think that that is necessarily a red flag.

I hope this all gets sorted out for you.

[lottelupin]

Ok so it is physically possible that he communicates with her at work and or actually works with her.

But maybe it's all too far-fetched. I think just ask about her coming round for dinner with her boyfriend. An easy question and even just the answer will tell you a lot.

Less than usual is the most common sign of an affair, and looking great, but maybe it's all fine. I hope so Xxx

[MondayMadnessMm]

They don’t work together anymore. She works at a different company.

She has already been to ours for dinner once. Without her DP. I don’t really want to invite her to ours again unless I really have to.

[MoodleJam]

Good friendship does exist between male and female colleagues. I cringe when people call it an emotional affair just because people chat. I could be that woman, all my good friends from work are males, and I still text them sometimes a lot after they left. Because I miss their friendship nothing more. It is sad that a lot of women are so insecure.

[RuthW]

My ex dh did exactly this. Turned into an affair.

[MondayMadnessMm]

I’m sorry RuthW. What happened? How did you find out?

[aleC4]

I had a similar situation to you 3years ago.
My exh and her now live together.
He started a new job, she worked there. Slowly got to know each other.
She was on her own with quite a few kids.
We met up a few times as two families and he did a lot of diy type stuff for her.
It got to the point where he was on fb messenger to her pretty much all night every night.
When I questioned it he told me they were just friends and she was going through a tough time.
Out of the blue he suddenly told me he didn't feel the same about me anymore and moved out that day. No explanation, no one else involved he said.
3 weeks later he told my poor dc that he and her were going to have a go at a relationship.
All I can say is, if you have your suspicions, face it and act on it.

[Fizzysours]

I think you are onto something and I am the least jealous person ever. So unjealous that people think there is something wrong with me. And I think this because I have seen these things before. And they were emotional affairs. And I tell you OP... emotional affairs are relationship wreckers because people start to idolise, and find faults with their OH, and they fall in love. Start to ask him things and see if he is shady. Ask him if he gets bored and chats to anyone when driving. Ask cheerily how this girl is...does he know how she is doing? If he shuts you down, and minimises his contact, be suspicious. Very. Very. Suspicious.

[rhowton]

If it helps, my husband has a female best friend and they never talk on the phone in front of me or her husbands. It's because when I'm there, we have the kids and are doing stuff! He mostly calls her when he doesn't have the kids, or is driving etc but they probably speak 2/3 times a week! If he's talking about her, her isn't shagging her! Once he stops talking about her and is awkward at the mention of her name, things have changed!

[Fizzysours]

Maybe in your experience rhowton. But it depends HOW he talks about her. If he is quite vague and swerves questions about phone calls, and pretends to not know much about how she is, then OP is right to be concerned.

[lottelupin]

This:

emotional affairs are relationship wreckers because people start to idolise, and find faults with their OH, and they fall in love

Alec4, RuthW and me. It also happened like this with my relationship. Almost word for word.

Dinner seemed a good idea as you can tell a lot by how they are together, but I can understand how you don't fancy it. But as others also say, the easiest way to gauge things is just to bring her up in conversation and see how he reacts.

[Juells]

HRTFT

Does he have a long drive to/from work? I have a male friend who drives me bonkers because at least once a week he rings when setting out on his drive home, which takes about three-quarters of an hour. To him it's just passing the time on a boring drive, but my heart sinks when I see his number pop up. He's very happy and settled with a partner that he loves, it genuinely is just a chat because he's bored on the long drive.

[lottelupin]

What is HRTFT?

[Clangus00]

Having (have) read the full thread?

[MondayMadnessMm]

No, not a long drive.

I’m sorry to hear those of you who had cheating ex partners.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I have different phone conversations with my male friends than my women friends. Initially they have a lot of similarities: "interesting'" stuff, work, news, family, weather, Brexit. Then it tends to veer off according to sex.🤔

My girlfriends and I tend to talk about real life, important stuff in depth.

My male friends and I tend to talk utter shite. Like "Who Would Win in a Fight?"
Polar bear vs Tiger
Salt Water Crocodile vs Great White Shark
Jesus vs Gandhi

In depth.

[LtJudyHopps]

With some of my colleagues it’s very normal to ring each other on the way home from work for a catch up. A man left about 18 months ago and every few months he’ll ring me (and others) on his way home for a catch up about work, life etc. I would never ring him when I’m at home and he wouldn’t ring me if he were at home.
Just wanted to put another spin on it, just because it’s out of the house doesn’t mean it’s to hide anything. But our line of work means we can work out of other areas so have some longer commutes than usual.

[lottelupin]

I'm sorry to hear
Thanks, Monday : )
I really hope this doesn't turn into that for you.

I would have literally staked my life on him not doing that. But I have to say (although not a popular opinion on MN) - he is quite passive in some ways, quite unconfident, and she really called the tune. It was proper targeting, of both of us.

It doesn't sound like your DH's friend is like this. They've hit it off, they talk. Hopefully just that. So long as he's still totally there for you, then maybe it's all ok and just leave it?

[Laiste]

OP you say he's always at home, but he works in an office.

In your shoes I too would love to know: is it him doing all the calling and texting, or is the once a week long phone call and his texts only 50% of their contact? If it is always him initiating then isn't that a bit odd too?

You say he doesn't chat to anyone else this often (including you). So my first port of call would be picking the right moments (times when work is bought up, or friends in general) and asking a few carefully worded but casual sounding questions to see if he's honest with you about how much regular contact they have.

[nopenotplaying]

I've not read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been said. Does he delete the call history on his phone? Because you can see the outgoing calls and texts on his bill but how often or even is she calling him too? That would give a more realistic picture. Is it one sided or reciprocated?

[Juells]

lottelupin
What is HRTFT?

Haven't Read The Full Thread.

If it's just RTFT it's Read The Fucking Thread, if someone is banging on about something that's been explained over and over already

[lottelupin]

Ha thanks

[MondayMadnessMm]

I h

[MondayMadnessMm]

Lottelupin

he is quite passive in some ways, quite unconfident, and she really called the tune. It was proper targeting, of both of us.

Do you mean OW purposefully selected you as a couple? Did he go off with her? Surely no one would be that calculating??!