To wonder if there’s more to their friendship?

[MondayMadnessMm]

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not. I would like to hear other people’s views please.

DH was working at a company but left around this time last year. During his time there he became close to one of his employees. He would give her a lift home, talk to her about the problems she’s having with her boyfriend, etc. He said that he really liked her as a person and he was often telling me about their coincidences like “You won’t believe where MMM went for her holiday last year!” and it would be the same place as us, before he knew her. Basically they seemed to really click.

Anyway, after DH left the company, he wanted to keep in touch with her. He’s never really had many work friends before, not who he wants to see out of work. So we have met up with her a few times.

He sometimes mentions in passing that he’s spoken to her and gives me little updates on her. Anyway, don’t ask me why but I looked at his phone bill. I had no reason to be suspicious. I was just being nosy. There was a huge amount of contact with her number. It seems like, since this time last year, he has called her about once a week for chats lasting 30-90 minutes. I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening. Oh and lots of texts. Not hundreds but probably on about 2 or 3 days a week and a handful at a time.

I’m not sure whether this level of contact is normal between ex-colleagues/friends.

She’s attractive, my DH’s type. I know he loves me though. AIBU to be even giving it a second thought?

[AJPTaylor]

I wouldn't be suspicious particularly. But then it's not in my nature. I have had long conversations on my way home with male friends. It's a way to pass the time /catch up. Ask him?

[WTF0ver]

Maybe they're not FB friends because her DP wouldn't like it if he's suspicions? Been there and that was the reason. But yes they can still talk on Messenger without being FB friends.

[WTF0ver]

*suspicious

[ASundayWellSpent]

I was thinking you were BU until I saw the amount of calls that you didn't know about. The only reason why he would NEVER call her in front of you is because he doesn't want you to know that he is calling her, or perhaps the content of their conversation. I wouldn't be happy

[Redglitter]

The only reason why he would NEVER call her in front of you is because he doesn't want you to know that he is calling her, or perhaps the content of their conversation

No it's not the only reason. As I said in an earlier post. I have a male friend who phones me when hes out in the car. Because he has time on his hands. Nothing to do with it being secretive

[HollowTalk]

When he speaks to one of his friends or his family, does he mention it in passing that evening?

I think there's an emotional affair going on here, OP. It's the secrecy that's so significant - and who the hell deletes texts nowadays? I know that he would (probably) admit to the calls and messages, but he's not upfront with it, is he? I would be very unhappy about that.

[SummerWhisper]

This line in one of your posts about the dinner made me suspicious:

They were chatty but tried to include me

A dinner guest should be welcomed into the home by the couple, working as a pair, a team, to make the guest feel welcome. A dinner guest and one of the hosts should not be working as a pair, a team, to make the other host not feel left out.

Revisit that night and work out who was the couple and who was the outsider. There is your answer.

[Andysbestadventure]

So he has a friend? Why is this even remotely worthy of worry?

If she had a dick would you be arsed? No.

[Decadoma]

I get wound up by folk who don't think men and women can't be good friends. Not talking about you OP but some of the other posters. I think it is natural that the thought fleets by but as he's met her with you several times i wouldn't be overly concerned. You are lucky you have a man who can be friendly with a woman. If you want you can talk to him but I'd probably leave it. You say you trust him. If that's the case then you can rest easy.

[MayTheLordOpen]

I would ask how much he is in contact with her next time she is mentioned. If he lies then IMO I would be concerned.

[MondayMadnessMm]

It’s more that they both like the attention from each other. I expect it’ll peter out with time.
I thought so too but a year on and the friendship is still seemingly going strong.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Why does he delete all his messages?
To be tidy I think.

Do you delete all your messages?
No. I only delete messages if they contain something I wouldn’t want others to see like revealing a present or a friend’s secret.

[MondayMadnessMm]

When he speaks to one of his friends or his family, does he mention it in passing that evening?
I think so.

[GabriellaMontez]

I think what @SummerWhisper says is interesting. They tried to include you? How strange that it wasn't the other way round.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Revisit that night and work out who was the couple and who was the outsider.
You make a really interesting point. I did feel a bit of an outsider actually. Perhaps it was because they were talking about work a lot. While I think about it, on the occasions that I have met her, they’re very relaxed with each other. For example, she’ll pull him up on things that she seems to think are wrong. She also seems to know about a lot of little things from his life like he hurt his ankle 5 years ago, etc.

[MondayMadnessMm]

If she had a dick would you be arsed? No.
I wouldn’t be worried but I’d think that their friendship is a bit intense and I would wonder what on earth they were talking about for so long!

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

What’s the implication of them not being friends on Facebook

Nothing. I'm not even friends with my own partner on Facebook. Or my siblings.

[treesurgery]

I would not be happy with this Op.
Yes, men and women can be friends, but when that friendship begins to impact (in whatever form) on partners, then there’s a problem.
Op, I don’t want to add to your concern by asking this, but how do you know they aren’t meeting up at lunchtimes etc? Do they now work many miles apart?

By the way, I’m another that deletes messages and emails as I go, so I don’t think that is unusual behaviour.

[CrystalShark]

A dinner guest should be welcomed into the home by the couple, working as a pair, a team, to make the guest feel welcome. A dinner guest and one of the hosts should not be working as a pair, a team, to make the other host not feel left out.

This really jumped out at me too but I forgot to mention it when I posted.

[GoodbyeRosie]

OP, to answer your question - yes I was. I'm a heterosexual male, and the women in question listened to me, understood me , and were kind and funny. You would be suprised how often those qualities go missing in a LTR.

I would never act on it , that's not my nature, but I won't deny they didn't become attractive to me.

[stupidboyman]

Why don't you ask him (all jovial like) if he has spoke. To her recently? Maybe suggest she comes over for dinner. That would be normal if she is just a friend. See his reaction. Men and women can be friends without it being an ea. Just depends if he is secretive about it.

[BarbedBloom]

I have very close male friends, but there is just something about this that would make me uncomfortable. The mentionitus, messages and calls being away from you, intimacy at the dinner, Facebook. I would tell him you saw his phone bill and are uncomfortable. I worry that with the amount of contact he could be turning to her first for emotional stuff. I knew when my ex's relationship had crossed a line when he texted her before me to say he had a promotion at work. He also told her before me when his grandfather died. Her knowing all the little things about him imply they may be talking more than you think.

I will say though, I delete or file all of my messages and emails. I don't like anything in my inbox. I have always done this and I do it at work too.

[Whattodoabout]

Yes, I would be suspicious. It’s obviously ok for men and women to be friends but I don’t know anyone who has this level of contact with a friend. I wouldn’t even speak to my DH on the phone for an hour and half, let alone a friend (well, only if it were an emergency and they really needed someone to speak to).

I think you should mention it casually, something along the lines of ‘Christ you speak to x a lot, if I didn’t know you better I’d be suspecting something was going on!’ And see what his reaction is. You’ll probably know if he’s nervous.

[Cloudyapples]

You can message people you’re not friends with on Facebook. But also if you’re not friends with her she could have privacy settings that mean you can’t see who her friends are - so they could be fb friends but you’d never know if you aren’t friends with both of them.

[Newschapter]

Can't you say to him this evening "Tina just popped into my head today! Have you spoken to her recently?"

Its something dh and I would say to each other quite normally, can't you just ask without accusing?