To wonder if there’s more to their friendship?

[MondayMadnessMm]

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not. I would like to hear other people’s views please.

DH was working at a company but left around this time last year. During his time there he became close to one of his employees. He would give her a lift home, talk to her about the problems she’s having with her boyfriend, etc. He said that he really liked her as a person and he was often telling me about their coincidences like “You won’t believe where MMM went for her holiday last year!” and it would be the same place as us, before he knew her. Basically they seemed to really click.

Anyway, after DH left the company, he wanted to keep in touch with her. He’s never really had many work friends before, not who he wants to see out of work. So we have met up with her a few times.

He sometimes mentions in passing that he’s spoken to her and gives me little updates on her. Anyway, don’t ask me why but I looked at his phone bill. I had no reason to be suspicious. I was just being nosy. There was a huge amount of contact with her number. It seems like, since this time last year, he has called her about once a week for chats lasting 30-90 minutes. I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening. Oh and lots of texts. Not hundreds but probably on about 2 or 3 days a week and a handful at a time.

I’m not sure whether this level of contact is normal between ex-colleagues/friends.

She’s attractive, my DH’s type. I know he loves me though. AIBU to be even giving it a second thought?

[Endeavour1971]

I am female, and my best friend for the last 15 is male. We text several times a day, several times a week, chat by phone at least once a week, and I see him weekly for a cuppa. And it's all completely innocent. It really is possible for men and women to have a platonic friendship

[Motoko]

Something I noticed (and you mentioned this earlier) is that it appears to be him doing all the calling (and initiating the texts?). I do wonder if she initiates any calls or texts. If she doesn't, there are a couple of reasons I can think of. The obvious one being that she knows he'll call her, so no need for her to call him. The other being that he's the one doing the chasing. Oh, and a third, that it's only "safe" for him to call her, in case she rang when you were around, and he doesn't want you to know how often they talk.

It is suspicious I'm afraid, and it's got nothing to do with men not being allowed to have female friends. As you've said, he does have other female friends, but with this one he acts differently.

You could casually ask him how she is, as he hasn't mentioned her for a while, but I'd be worried that he might wonder why you'd asked out of the blue.

And I'm not saying it's become physical, but it is still possible for him to meet up with her, during working hours.

[MondayMadnessMm]

I don’t think that they’re meeting for lunch but I suppose it’s possible. She doesn’t live or work near us though.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Something I noticed (and you mentioned this earlier) is that it appears to be him doing all the calling (and initiating the texts?)
I have no idea because his bill only shows the calls he makes and texts he sends. I do know that she never calls when I’m there and very rarely texts when I’m there.

[MondayMadnessMm]

I know that everyone has an opinion and different life experiences influencing their views but it’s interesting how divided the responses are. Some are saying this is completely normal and others that it’s definitely not right.

[batvixen123]

I have that level of contact with at least one male friend of mine and it's definitely not an EA. I mean, he's gay to begin with so I'm overwhelmingly not his type!

To my mind, it's an EA if he's sending her daily messages saying 'if only I wasn't married, we could be doing XYZ sexual things'. It isn't 'chatting about TV with a friend who happens to be female' and I think it's really unhealthy to assume that any kind of contact between men and women is automatically sexual.

[AnybodyWantAChip]

The only thing that matters is your 'normal'. If this is unusual behaviour for him, you are right to be concerned.

[RONNIETRIX]

It could be innocent ? it could be more.?
But the fact you feel like this.shpws an issue. Which means you need to speak to him but first I'd ask him a few little questions to gauge things.

[Marshmallow91]

@Motoko - when did OP say that?

[bakesalesally]

Did you take to him? X

[Croquembou]

This line in one of your posts about the dinner made me suspicious:

They were chatty but tried to include me

A dinner guest should be welcomed into the home by the couple, working as a pair, a team, to make the guest feel welcome. A dinner guest and one of the hosts should not be working as a pair, a team, to make the other host not feel left out.

Oh for god's sake. This site. I'm sure everyone, when a friend visits who their spouse doesn't know as well, makes an effort to include their partner and not just talk about work nonsense or people they know or whatever shared thing it is the friendship is based on.

My husband calls people when he drives. He's always on the phone. I tease him for being an old woman as they are the only people I know who make calls. I wouldn't be worried. But you know your marriage, you won't get any answers here.

[loobyloo1234]

Have you asked him when the last time was that he spoke to her?

I’m inclined to say it’s fairly normal. I call my male friend in the car and vice versa we we both drive a long commute. But I would definitely push him a little on how often they talk if you are worried. As I wouldn’t lie about my phone calls if my DP were to ask me as I’ve nothing to hide

[NearlyGranny]

I'd do what several PPs have suggested and ask him how she is! Ask after her boyfriend, too. It's odd he didn't come to dinner with her. Do you know why? Is she actually single now? How does he feel about these long, frequent calls?

It strikes me that she could be in an abusive relationship or going through a prolonged, messy breakup. Those calls could be him counselling her through it as a friend. Or not. Why wouldn't he be chatting to you about it?

The oddest thing is that it's reserved for when you're not around, almost as if they have an arrangement...

When did he last sit and chat with you for 60 solid minutes? For 30, even?

Is he out and about enough to fit in meetings with someone without you knowing?

If nothing else, this friendship is siphoning off huge chunks of his time and emotional energy that can't then be devoted to his primary relationship.

When two people routinely talk for that long it's because they can't bear to say goodbye to each other.

I think they're besotted. Sorry.

[MondayMadnessMm]

I haven’t spoken to DH about this yet. I’m not sure whether to or not. Many of you feel this is completely normal and I don’t want to accuse him of something he hasn’t done.

[Motoko]

@Marshmallow91 Oops, my bad. Got this thread mixed up with a similar one.

Apologies @MondayMadnessMm. I've reported it to ask for it to be deleted.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Why wouldn't he be chatting to you about it?
He did tell me that she was having relationship problems with her DP back when they were working together. I told him then that I didn’t think it was appropriate for his employee to be discussing such personal matters with him and he disagreed. He hasn’t opened up as much about it since.

[MondayMadnessMm]

I think her DP was working late on the night of the dinner. I haven’t heard that they have broken up so I presume they’re still together.

[MondayMadnessMm]

When did he last sit and chat with you for 60 solid minutes? For 30, even?
He doesn’t really. I suppose we could do that in the evenings but we’re always so exhausted and collapse in front of the TV!

[MondayMadnessMm]

If nothing else, this friendship is siphoning off huge chunks of his time and emotional energy that can't then be devoted to his primary relationship.
Is that really a thing though? I have heard of that before but I’m not sure I believe it. You can love more than one child, you can give emotional support to more than one person. The emotional support doesn’t run out just like the love for more children isn’t limited.

[MondayMadnessMm]

When two people routinely talk for that long it's because they can't bear to say goodbye to each other. I think they're besotted. Sorry.
This gave me goosebumps in a bad way.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Don’t worry Motoko

[Redglitter]

When two people routinely talk for that long it's because they can't bear to say goodbye to each other.

I think they're besotted. Sorry

Oh what rubbish!!!

It doesnt necessarily mean anything of the sort

[flyingspaghettimonster]

I knew a guy who would have intense emotional affairs about twice a year on average. He never physicslly acted on them, but would talk to the women for hours, email romantic stuff, saucy texts etc. He said sometimes he would realise it was going to far and have a cry in his bedroom because he loved his wife and had to end the contact. I wonder if she knew how intense those friendships got... he was the type to be posting how wonderful his wife was all over social media while fantasizing about work colleagues etc. so weird. I would have hated to be his wife even though technically he never even kissed these women...

[Mintlegs]

Secrecy. Your gut is telling you something is not right. You have had some good advice as to which way you may wish to deal with things. I hope it’s a good outcome for you and your gut is wrong x