To wonder if there’s more to their friendship?

[MondayMadnessMm]

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not. I would like to hear other people’s views please.

DH was working at a company but left around this time last year. During his time there he became close to one of his employees. He would give her a lift home, talk to her about the problems she’s having with her boyfriend, etc. He said that he really liked her as a person and he was often telling me about their coincidences like “You won’t believe where MMM went for her holiday last year!” and it would be the same place as us, before he knew her. Basically they seemed to really click.

Anyway, after DH left the company, he wanted to keep in touch with her. He’s never really had many work friends before, not who he wants to see out of work. So we have met up with her a few times.

He sometimes mentions in passing that he’s spoken to her and gives me little updates on her. Anyway, don’t ask me why but I looked at his phone bill. I had no reason to be suspicious. I was just being nosy. There was a huge amount of contact with her number. It seems like, since this time last year, he has called her about once a week for chats lasting 30-90 minutes. I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening. Oh and lots of texts. Not hundreds but probably on about 2 or 3 days a week and a handful at a time.

I’m not sure whether this level of contact is normal between ex-colleagues/friends.

She’s attractive, my DH’s type. I know he loves me though. AIBU to be even giving it a second thought?

[NoSkinOffMyNose]

How is it going, OP?

[Heronry]

I agree, @batvixen123. I'd go so far as to say it's strengthened our marriage, that we both have other people around us in good times and bad, and do not need to rely solely on one another for either support or laughs.

And I'd add that not all spousal relationships are happy and healthy -- and if you put all your emotional and relationship eggs in one basket, and your spouse turns abusive/unfaithful/ill etc, you can end up vulnerable and isolated.

[batvixen123]

And what I'm referencing is the original comment which said:

All your worries, laughs and closeness should generally come from your husband or wife.

Your friends are there for fun and support but for adults, this should be occasional...once a week chat...not texting daily or long calls.

It specifically said all your closeness should come from your spouse, and contact outwith that family unit should be occasional. Not "friends are great but spouse is an extra level of closeness" or "maintain friendships but stay connected to your partner".

That's what I found unhealthy and sad. If you're saying that isn't what you believe at all, which you seem to be now, then we're talking at cross purposes.

[BillHadersNewWife]

Bat well when someone is widowed, their life changes obviously. They can choose to deepen existing friendships or turn to their children for support in addition to sharing with friends.

Your experience in relation to your Father is NOTHING like what I've described. In fact it's so far removed from what I described that it's weird you've even mentioned it in relation to my post.

I said clearly that people could and should maintain friendships but that your partner in my opinion should be the closest.

[batvixen123]

And when you or your DH pass away? And the survivor is left alone, having spent their adult life maybe calling a friend once a week but making sure that "all worries, laughs and closeness" were for a spouse entirely?

I'm not entirely speaking theoretically. My DF has always been awful at maintaining friendships. When my DM died he suffered terribly from depression as he basically had no one except her. DSis and I were teens and not really able to provide that adult emotional support. Conversely, my DH and I have always had close friends alongside our marriage which meant when I was very unwell a while ago and was hospitalised, DH had a great network of people around him for both practical and emotional support and I'm really glad he had that. And I know you'll say those are different circumstances but I don't see how you can avoid having long chats or regular contact with someone during the good times, and then demand their attention if things go wrong.

[BillHadersNewWife]

Bat What tosh. Being close to your partner does not mean you're going to automatically exclude the elderly! I have a network of friends and neighbours that I socialise with and in some cases support.

But my DH gets my main attention and it's him who hears most of my innermost thoughts.

[batvixen123]

All your worries, laughs and closeness should generally come from your husband or wife.

Wow.

Now I understand why this country has such a problem with loneliness amongst the old and such a poor history of support in the community.

[BillHadersNewWife]

Aaargh what do you mean "Lol"? Of course your closest confident should be your partner...that's what they're for. To support and be the most important person in your life next to your children. Friends are fine...of either sex...but your MAIN support and concern should always be your other half.

[StormBaby]

Sorry to say that my ex and his female 'bestie' were exactly like this. Secret phone calls. Only she 'understood him'. Then as soon as she became single herself he was off. Just woke up one day and left and moved in with her and her poor kids.

[lottelupin]

All your worries, laughs and closeness should generally come from your husband or wife.

I know Aargh said 'lol', but actually I agree. When everything was right, we were our closest confidants. Then someone came along and got in the middle. Only it wasn't the middle. Because I was the one who was shoved out. That's how it works with affairs. Not good.

Later they often regret it - the infiltrator turns out to be (surprise surprise) maybe not the nicest person and we are suddenly highly desirable - but it's still a mean thing to do. Just mean. No other explanation.

Yes, you should be the one he tells everything. You are BFs. You have your (exclusive, the two of you) world. And if he's got that with someone else, then yes, you will feel it. And it's not right.

[Aaarrgghhh]

All your worries, laughs and closeness should generally come from your husband or wife.

Your friends are there for fun and support but for adults, this should be occasional...once a week chat...not texting daily or long calls.

Wtf? Lol

[Poignet]

OP, only for the fact that the facts don’t match, you could be talking about my friendship with a former male colleague. I made friends with him the way I make friends with anyone I like — a move out of London for DH’s work had been a lonely time, so I was delighted to find some new friends at work, and we got on immediately — and I only realised months later that I was his first new friend in years and years, and that he was talking about me at home to an extent that alarmed his wife slightly — partly because we’re originally from the same place. I had no idea I was such a big deal, but as I knew him better, I realised he’s frankly lazy about retaining friendships, and doesn’t work at them, and sort of delegates his social life to his wife.

But there’s nothing untoward whatsoever on either side. He’s just another person I get on with, and if he were less passive and lazy about retaining friendships, I wouldn’t stand out as unusual in his life either.

[BillHadersNewWife]

I have been with him for over 10 years. He’s never had a friendship this intense before.

And there's the rub isn't it? That's the issue. It's new behaviour...it's different.

And therefore, you should be concerned.

[BillHadersNewWife]

See I don't think there's anything wrong with friends of the opposite sex BUT when you're married or in a long term committed relationship, the needs of one half of the couple in this sense should be met by their other half. Not by newish friends of the opposite or same sex.

All your worries, laughs and closeness should generally come from your husband or wife.

Your friends are there for fun and support but for adults, this should be occasional...once a week chat...not texting daily or long calls.

[Mrmojorising71]

On here you'll hear emotional affair, breach of trust and the old favourite LTB, in reality only you know whether it's a problem or not, I have worked with many men and women who I've kept in touch with after either of us has moved on, I'm fairly certain my husband has too although I have never checked or asked, nor has he me, communicating with the opposite sex is not necessarily an indication of an affair in my opinion

[MondayMadnessMm]

I get what everyone is saying about how he can have a female friend, how it’s convenient to call her on his commute and not eat into our time together at home. I also appreciate that maybe he’s kept the level on contact secret in case I react badly.

But I have been with him for over 10 years. He’s never had a friendship this intense before. He has never talked this much to another person.

I don’t know.

[MondayMadnessMm]

It is possible that he is mentoring her?
In a professional sense? I don’t think so. I’m certain he’d have mentioned it.
In a personal way? Quite probably as he used to talk to her about her relationship problems.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Have you mentioned her to him at all yet?
No, not since the phone bill.
I’m actually a bit scared. I’m burying my head in the sand because I’m scared that if I raise it with him that my world might come crashing down and I’m not ready for that to happen.

[Stephminx]

@shessobrave

Like I said, so that he’s not spending time away from me and the kids on an evening when he gets in from work. He’d prefer to speak with us when he’s at home, play with the kids or help out with dinner, tidying etc..

I’d probably just get annoyed if he wandered off for an hour or so regularly to catch up with his family (parents split up and siblings so lots of people to speak with) at our peak busy time and left me to deal with everything when he could put his commute time to good use and get this “job” out of the way. Like multi tasking. He doesn’t hide it and often relays any news etc. He’ll often sort out other work or home admin calls in the car too.

It’s also often that his mum especially has impeccable timing and always seems to ring when we’re in the middle of something, so he pre-empts her and calls when it’s convenient for us which stops it from disrupting our nights together.

I think it’s sensible, but then again I have no reason not to trust my husband.

He does also speak to his family at home, but some of them do tend to go on... and it can take him a while to get off the phone.

Not every man is a cheat and some do like to spend time with their families and/or help out at home you know.

[Creepster]

It is possible that he is mentoring her. I see no other reason for the frequency and length of their chats.

[Shessobrave]

@MondayMadnessMm Have you mentioned her to him at all yet?

[Shessobrave]

@DioneTheDiabolist Saltwater Crocodile would DEF beat Great White Shark!!

Sorry all, as you were

[Shessobrave]

@Stephminx My husband often does his calls (ie to his dad, mum, sister etc) in the car on the way home so he’s not taking family time out of the evening. Quite sensible really.

Nope - strange not sensible. You're married, why would he not call his family around his wife & kids?

[Clayplease]

Was the phone bill a paper bill which you could legitimately have opened by mistake? If so you could just say 'hey I opened your bill by mistake, I had no idea you spoke to xxx so much!!' To see his reaction.

I'd be saying 'if I was speaking this much to a male friend without you knowing, how would you feel about it?' I admire you that you are obv trying to be trusting which is really good. Hope it all works out fine.

[SunshineAngel]

@TheSandman I think you've hit the nail on the head with that one. I think a lot of people hide things from their partners that they think they might be annoyed at or worried about, just to save the hassle, rather than because they're actually doing something wrong. If my partner tried to stop me talking to my friend, or sulked when I said I had been, I wouldn't stop - but I'd absolutely stop telling him about it.