To wonder if there’s more to their friendship?

[MondayMadnessMm]

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not. I would like to hear other people’s views please.

DH was working at a company but left around this time last year. During his time there he became close to one of his employees. He would give her a lift home, talk to her about the problems she’s having with her boyfriend, etc. He said that he really liked her as a person and he was often telling me about their coincidences like “You won’t believe where MMM went for her holiday last year!” and it would be the same place as us, before he knew her. Basically they seemed to really click.

Anyway, after DH left the company, he wanted to keep in touch with her. He’s never really had many work friends before, not who he wants to see out of work. So we have met up with her a few times.

He sometimes mentions in passing that he’s spoken to her and gives me little updates on her. Anyway, don’t ask me why but I looked at his phone bill. I had no reason to be suspicious. I was just being nosy. There was a huge amount of contact with her number. It seems like, since this time last year, he has called her about once a week for chats lasting 30-90 minutes. I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening. Oh and lots of texts. Not hundreds but probably on about 2 or 3 days a week and a handful at a time.

I’m not sure whether this level of contact is normal between ex-colleagues/friends.

She’s attractive, my DH’s type. I know he loves me though. AIBU to be even giving it a second thought?

[Aaarrgghhh]

All your worries, laughs and closeness should generally come from your husband or wife.

Your friends are there for fun and support but for adults, this should be occasional...once a week chat...not texting daily or long calls.

Wtf? Lol

[lottelupin]

All your worries, laughs and closeness should generally come from your husband or wife.

I know Aargh said 'lol', but actually I agree. When everything was right, we were our closest confidants. Then someone came along and got in the middle. Only it wasn't the middle. Because I was the one who was shoved out. That's how it works with affairs. Not good.

Later they often regret it - the infiltrator turns out to be (surprise surprise) maybe not the nicest person and we are suddenly highly desirable - but it's still a mean thing to do. Just mean. No other explanation.

Yes, you should be the one he tells everything. You are BFs. You have your (exclusive, the two of you) world. And if he's got that with someone else, then yes, you will feel it. And it's not right.

[StormBaby]

Sorry to say that my ex and his female 'bestie' were exactly like this. Secret phone calls. Only she 'understood him'. Then as soon as she became single herself he was off. Just woke up one day and left and moved in with her and her poor kids.

[BillHadersNewWife]

Aaargh what do you mean "Lol"? Of course your closest confident should be your partner...that's what they're for. To support and be the most important person in your life next to your children. Friends are fine...of either sex...but your MAIN support and concern should always be your other half.

[batvixen123]

All your worries, laughs and closeness should generally come from your husband or wife.

Wow.

Now I understand why this country has such a problem with loneliness amongst the old and such a poor history of support in the community.

[BillHadersNewWife]

Bat What tosh. Being close to your partner does not mean you're going to automatically exclude the elderly! I have a network of friends and neighbours that I socialise with and in some cases support.

But my DH gets my main attention and it's him who hears most of my innermost thoughts.

[batvixen123]

And when you or your DH pass away? And the survivor is left alone, having spent their adult life maybe calling a friend once a week but making sure that "all worries, laughs and closeness" were for a spouse entirely?

I'm not entirely speaking theoretically. My DF has always been awful at maintaining friendships. When my DM died he suffered terribly from depression as he basically had no one except her. DSis and I were teens and not really able to provide that adult emotional support. Conversely, my DH and I have always had close friends alongside our marriage which meant when I was very unwell a while ago and was hospitalised, DH had a great network of people around him for both practical and emotional support and I'm really glad he had that. And I know you'll say those are different circumstances but I don't see how you can avoid having long chats or regular contact with someone during the good times, and then demand their attention if things go wrong.

[BillHadersNewWife]

Bat well when someone is widowed, their life changes obviously. They can choose to deepen existing friendships or turn to their children for support in addition to sharing with friends.

Your experience in relation to your Father is NOTHING like what I've described. In fact it's so far removed from what I described that it's weird you've even mentioned it in relation to my post.

I said clearly that people could and should maintain friendships but that your partner in my opinion should be the closest.

[batvixen123]

And what I'm referencing is the original comment which said:

All your worries, laughs and closeness should generally come from your husband or wife.

Your friends are there for fun and support but for adults, this should be occasional...once a week chat...not texting daily or long calls.

It specifically said all your closeness should come from your spouse, and contact outwith that family unit should be occasional. Not "friends are great but spouse is an extra level of closeness" or "maintain friendships but stay connected to your partner".

That's what I found unhealthy and sad. If you're saying that isn't what you believe at all, which you seem to be now, then we're talking at cross purposes.

[Heronry]

I agree, @batvixen123. I'd go so far as to say it's strengthened our marriage, that we both have other people around us in good times and bad, and do not need to rely solely on one another for either support or laughs.

And I'd add that not all spousal relationships are happy and healthy -- and if you put all your emotional and relationship eggs in one basket, and your spouse turns abusive/unfaithful/ill etc, you can end up vulnerable and isolated.

[NoSkinOffMyNose]

How is it going, OP?