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AIBU?

To wonder if there’s more to their friendship?

211 replies

MondayMadnessMm · 09/10/2019 17:55

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not. I would like to hear other people’s views please.

DH was working at a company but left around this time last year. During his time there he became close to one of his employees. He would give her a lift home, talk to her about the problems she’s having with her boyfriend, etc. He said that he really liked her as a person and he was often telling me about their coincidences like “You won’t believe where MMM went for her holiday last year!” and it would be the same place as us, before he knew her. Basically they seemed to really click.

Anyway, after DH left the company, he wanted to keep in touch with her. He’s never really had many work friends before, not who he wants to see out of work. So we have met up with her a few times.

He sometimes mentions in passing that he’s spoken to her and gives me little updates on her. Anyway, don’t ask me why but I looked at his phone bill. I had no reason to be suspicious. I was just being nosy. There was a huge amount of contact with her number. It seems like, since this time last year, he has called her about once a week for chats lasting 30-90 minutes. I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening. Oh and lots of texts. Not hundreds but probably on about 2 or 3 days a week and a handful at a time.

I’m not sure whether this level of contact is normal between ex-colleagues/friends.

She’s attractive, my DH’s type. I know he loves me though. AIBU to be even giving it a second thought?

OP posts:

Report

Redglitter · 10/10/2019 09:17

I've got a close male friend who's married. We WhatsApp regularly and speak on the phone too. Frequency of calls varies. He phones usually when hes out in the car, not to be sneaky but just because he has free time when hes driving. Were not FB friends because he posts such a lot of crap
Were just friends, absolutely nothing more. Hes very happily married and much as I like him as a friend I have absolutely no interest in him in any other way.

GabriellaMontez · 10/10/2019 09:19

Private phone calls is weird. Not Facebook friends is weird.

I'd be looking at his Facebook messenger.

I'd be asking how she is and when they last spoke. Then how often they speak.

MondayMadnessMm · 10/10/2019 09:21

What’s the implication of them not being friends on Facebook?

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GoodbyeRosie · 10/10/2019 09:21

Male point of view here : sounds like he's getting a lot more out of this friendship than he would if it was a male friend.

It could be an 'emotional ' affair, but friendships with the opposite sex ( when they aren't mutual friends with the partner) often tend to be in my experience.

I have had many quite deep friendships with female work colleagues ..I think it's the attention, the listening, the shared interests..obviously you should get that from your partner, but for many of us real life isn't like that.

So what can you do? Confront or ignore I guess. If you confront him and state that his friendship is making you uncomfortable, and he brushes that off, then you have a problem. If you do that you are also admitting to snooping and not trusting him.

Lastly, I find the not being friends on Facebook thing very strange. If nothing else, I would definitely wonder why this is. Is there ways you can ' hide' friendships on FB? You can also be connected on FB messenger without being FB friends..maybe that's what's happening?

MondayMadnessMm · 10/10/2019 09:22

I'd be looking at his Facebook messenger.
Can they message each other without being FB friends?

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MondayMadnessMm · 10/10/2019 09:24

I have had many quite deep friendships with female work colleagues ..I think it's the attention, the listening, the shared interests..obviously you should get that from your partner, but for many of us real life isn't like that.
Have you been attracted to them or had feelings for them? Thanks.

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MondayMadnessMm · 10/10/2019 09:25

Someone asked if she brought her boyfriend to dinner. No she didn’t bring him.

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Redglitter · 10/10/2019 09:31

Can they message each other without being FB friends

Yes they could

Levatrice · 10/10/2019 09:32

Not being friends on fb but this much contact is weird right? Unless neither of them actually use fb anymore but then why have active profiles? And yes can speak by fb messenger if not on friends list.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 10/10/2019 09:35

Ask him when he last spoke to her. Ask him how often he speaks to her as you haven’t heard him mention her in a while. His answer will tell you everything you need to know as you already know the truth.

If he leaves his phone lying around you could also check his phone log to see how many incoming calls he has from her.

I agree that the FB thing is very odd considering how close they appear to be.

bobstersmum · 10/10/2019 09:37

I've had male friends in the past, that were really truly only friends, it is possible!

FreeBedForFlys · 10/10/2019 09:38

Yeah. No. I wouldn’t have this. He’s got a crush. Hopefully it isn’t reciprocated.

MondayMadnessMm · 10/10/2019 09:40

I’m not too concerned about FB messenger as I already know that they have a fairly high level of contact. It won’t add anything.

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dinomonkey · 10/10/2019 09:45

Op, either you're worried or not.. and if you are you probably have to check some stuff out even if you're sure he deletes stuff. How do you know if you don't check?

GabriellaMontez · 10/10/2019 09:45

It's weird. Ask him why they aren't friends on fb.

Are you?

If there are messages on messenger but they're not friends that would be imo secretive.

Bellringer · 10/10/2019 09:50

Ask him why he's hiding it?

MondayMadnessMm · 10/10/2019 10:00

Am I FB with him? Yes. With her? No.

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MondayMadnessMm · 10/10/2019 10:14

How do you know if you don't check?
He’s always been that way. So if I say, do you have that message I sent you with the flight details he’ll have deleted it immediately. It’s just him. I suppose he may keep her messages though but seems very unlikely knowing him.

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Tractorgirlz · 10/10/2019 10:28

My ex used to say he was ‘just friends’ with a woman even though they’d have hour long phone calls regularly and he’d barely speak to me for 15 minutes. I was an idiot and believed him only to find them in bed together one night when I came home early from a rare night out. It may be innocent but the fact you know about her and have met her it could just be a red herring (like in my case).

MondayMadnessMm · 10/10/2019 10:32

Tractorgirlz!!! That’s awful. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Had she been a ‘friend’ of yours too?

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MondayMadnessMm · 10/10/2019 10:34

I’m still confused about the Facebook thing. Is the idea that them not being friends on Facebook is suspicious. Why wouldn’t they want to be friends? Why actively avoid it? I don’t totally get it. Sorry, probably being a bit slow.

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Kit19 · 10/10/2019 10:34

As others have said, it’s nothing to do with not being allowed friendships with the opposite sex, and everything to do with the phone calls never happening when you’re in the vicinity.

FWIW it’s with I very much doubt they’re having any kind of affair. It’s more that they both like the attention from each other. I expect it’ll peter out with time. Question is whether you are ok with it or not because it’s your relationship not ours x

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Vehivle · 10/10/2019 10:34

Why does he delete all his messages? That's super weird. I've got WhatsApp messages from 2016. I dont delete any of my messages. Neither does anyone I know. They dont take up enough space on your phone to need to delete them. Do you delete all your messages? Is it just a thing you guys do? If you dont but he does... I'd find that weird because it stops you seeing any messages between them.

Kit19 · 10/10/2019 10:36

Re the Facebook thing I guess it’s - well if they’re such good frievds, why aren’t they Facebook frievds? Is it deliberate so at some stage they can go “don’t be silly! I mean we’re not even frievds on fb”

However I think it’s no biggie - I jean I’m not Fb frievds with my DH 😆

Ozziewozzie · 10/10/2019 10:39

I’m also assuming you’ve tried checking his phone as you’ve noticed he deletes all messages. Another nudge in the affair direction. I’m guessing why your only other option was to check the bill, and you were able to ascertain it was her number.
You are more than justified to be checking. It’s the only way you can find out if you are being disrespected or not. Most cheaters don’t come home and announce it. They try and get away with it until they get the green light to move into the next person. My guess is they both chat about you and her partner. They both feel they get in so well and really ‘connect’ and it won’t be long and they will both be telling their partners how they feel they need space from you and her partner as things just aren’t working.

If I were you I’d raise it with him. If I was questioned and it was completely innocent, the first thing I’d do is reassure you, agree to less contact and completely understand why you’d checked up.
If I was guilty, I’d point the finger at you for snooping. I’d laugh that you thought such a ridiculous thing. I’d accuse you of being insecure and jealous and I’d play the victim.

Ask the question, get the response and go from there. It’s the only way forward. Otherwise, this is going to eat you up and make the road ahead very miserable indeed.

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