To wonder if there’s more to their friendship?

[MondayMadnessMm]

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not. I would like to hear other people’s views please.

DH was working at a company but left around this time last year. During his time there he became close to one of his employees. He would give her a lift home, talk to her about the problems she’s having with her boyfriend, etc. He said that he really liked her as a person and he was often telling me about their coincidences like “You won’t believe where MMM went for her holiday last year!” and it would be the same place as us, before he knew her. Basically they seemed to really click.

Anyway, after DH left the company, he wanted to keep in touch with her. He’s never really had many work friends before, not who he wants to see out of work. So we have met up with her a few times.

He sometimes mentions in passing that he’s spoken to her and gives me little updates on her. Anyway, don’t ask me why but I looked at his phone bill. I had no reason to be suspicious. I was just being nosy. There was a huge amount of contact with her number. It seems like, since this time last year, he has called her about once a week for chats lasting 30-90 minutes. I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening. Oh and lots of texts. Not hundreds but probably on about 2 or 3 days a week and a handful at a time.

I’m not sure whether this level of contact is normal between ex-colleagues/friends.

She’s attractive, my DH’s type. I know he loves me though. AIBU to be even giving it a second thought?

[MondayMadnessMm]

Do they ever meet alone do you think?
I don’t think so. He’s always at home. He did bump into her once but that’s it. He told me afterwards though.

[MondayMadnessMm]

I can’t see how I can have a conversation with him about it without having to reveal the fact that I snooped at his phone bill. I would hate it if he had done that to me. I don’t want to tell him I did that.

[WagtailRobin]

My two closest friends are male, one married, one with a long term girlfriend, both have kids and I can honestly say I and my two male friends text each other multiple times a day every day; It tends to be WhatsApp based and often includes sharing of a lot of memes, funny videos etc.

I have no interest whatsoever in either of these guys in any way other than as my best mates, we have good banter, we like to chat, but there's nothing else going on and never will be.

It really IS possible for men and women to JUST be friends. OP, I wouldn't be too quick to assume there's more to it, there might be I wouldn't entirely rule it out but it's by no means a definite and if you're basing your suspicion on the fact they text/chat on the phone a handful of times, I wouldn't fret too much until if/when you find something more to go on.

I HATE the assumption that if a man and woman talk a lot it must mean they are dying to fuck, not true at all.

[PapayaCoconut]

I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening

This is the weird bit. Well, that and the frequency.

[Vehivle]

I think texting is different from calling. Texting and sending silly memes is what I do with my guy friends. It's the calling for longer than half an hour and the frequency of that calling which I find really odd. Calling and chatting for long periods is far more intimate and emotionally investing than sending short texts and silly memes.

[TidyDancer]

This is more or less the amount of contact I have with a male colleague who is just a friend. No affair whatsoever. I honestly think, without any further 'evidence' that you have no grounds to suspect there is anything other than a friendship here. Just because you don't have friends that you talk to as frequently doesn't mean your DH can't, or that there's anything wrong with it.

[DarlingBuds19]

Regular long phone calls, which he chooses to make out of your presence.

Lots of texting.

Mentionitis when he worked with her.

.... Personally I think the posters who are dismissing this as a friendship ate crackers.

It's an emotional affair - it would be interesting to see the content of any texts/messages.

Did you say he deleted them? Weird and a bit suspicious in itself.

[DarlingBuds19]

*are crackers

Maybe they're also eating crackers, who knows

[DarlingBuds19]

It's the calling for longer than half an hour and the frequency of that calling which I find really odd. Calling and chatting for long periods is far more intimate and emotionally investing than sending short texts and silly memes.

[DarlingBuds19]

I would hate it if he had done that to me. I don’t want to tell him I did that.

Tbh if you had been acting the way he had with another man, he'd be justified.

[DarlingBuds19]

I would try to see the content of the messages - I wouldn't give him a heads up, he'll just go to ground and hide contact.

Even if the content of all messages (and phone calls) was "innocent", it's still just too much contact, too often (esp the calls) for someone who's not single, it's inappropriate.

[Hugsgalore]

once anyone has a friend of the opposite sex on here then it must be at the minimum an emotional affair.

Look op, I have male friends I've met through college that I message every now and again. I've had male friends from work who I've been friends with outside of work. I'd never dream of cheating on my husband. Never. He had a female friend he met through college and at first I was a little suspicious. I met her and saw them interact and knew nothing was going on.
It may or may not be the beginning of an emotional affair. But you need to have that conversation with him.

[Idontwanttotalk]

Is she on Facebook but just not one of his friends on it? If so, I would find that extraordinarily strange given the contact by phone and text.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Idontwanttotalk yes that’s right. They are both on Facebook but not friends with each other.

[MondayMadnessMm]

I would try to see the content of the messages
There’s no point in me trying because he always deletes everything.

[MondayMadnessMm]

It's the calling for longer than half an hour and the frequency of that calling which I find really odd. Calling and chatting for long periods is far more intimate and emotionally investing than sending short texts and silly memes.
Yes, I think that’s my worry. He’s a blokey bloke and a little out of character.
My other thought is that I have only seen his phone bill. Maybe she’s calling him that amount too. Although she has never called at the evening or weekend when I’m with him. I’m beginning to think that’s a bit suspicious now. He’s had a very occasional text from her on a couple of evenings when I have heard his phone beep.

[MondayMadnessMm]

I agree that it’s totally possible to have friends in the sex you’re attracted to. I have a couple of male friends who I text/see occasionally. We never chat on the phone though. Not sure why.

DH has a couple of female friends from uni who are now our friends. He’s seen them on his own before. I guess he texts them but I’m pretty sure he rarely calls them.

I also think there’s a difference between longstanding friends from years ago, from before a marriage, and a new friend met after marriage. What do you think?

[CrystalShark]

I also think there’s a difference between longstanding friends from years ago, from before a marriage, and a new friend met after marriage. What do you think?

I agree. That’s not to say you can’t both make new friends once you’ve got together of course! But I think your spidey sense definitely tells you whether a new friendship is purely platonic and a-okay or whether there’s something a bit amiss about it. Pre-existing friends are part of the package when you meet someone. But I’d find it a bit weird if DH or I suddenly made a new opposite sex ‘best friend’ where there was this level of contact and intimacy, largely hidden, etc.

I don’t condone snooping and I’ve never felt the need to do it, but my ethos is very much if somebody has a genuine desire to feel they need to find out more info there’s often a reason for that, either that they feel they’re being lied to or misled, or don’t trust their partner to be honest if it’s raised outright. Unless it’s part of a pattern of snooping. And I also feel if snooping turns something up, that outweighs the ‘bad’ of having snooped and should be addressed. Yes I wouldn’t like DH going through my phone bill, but I love and respect him enough that I’d hear him out on why he felt the need to and would discuss what he’d found that bothered him. Someone getting super defensive and focusing on the snooping when you’ve found something is a red flag in itself. And I’d want to be able to put his mind at ease and prefer that he spoke to me about it rather than hid it because he didn’t feel he could tell me he’d looked.

And weekly intimate hidden lengthy phone calls would definitely be something I’d be shocked and upset to discover and need to address for my own sanity and the sake of the relationship. Like it or not he doesn’t have the kind of history with this woman that would explain the way he is in touch with her way more often than anyone else in his life. She’s not a best friend from before you met. She’s a recent colleague turned friend. Her position in his life doesn’t match up with his level of devotion to the upkeep of their relationship.

You’d be mad to just sweep this under the rug because you only found out via snooping. If he hadn’t hidden it from you (and an omission to tell you, every single week for a year, is a lie) you wouldn’t be in the situation you’re in now.

[Chamomileteaplease]

The thing is, you have said that this woman is just his type and it does sound like he had and has a crush on her. Which sounds juvenile but I don't know what else to call it.

As others have said, it really depends, sometimes you can just see when M and F friends are together that it is platonic and neither fancies the other. How did it feel with your husband when the woman came over? Did she bring her boyfriend?

To me it sounds like this is a kind of thrill for your husband, to have this contact with someone he fancies, little enough that he can tell himself he doesn't have to feel guilty about anything but enough to just add a bit of excitement to his life.

I don't doubt that it is very upsetting and worrying for you. It's kind of being unfaithful but not physically and it's not nice.

I would have to talk to him about it. You could ask him about how much contact he has without lettting him know that you know. Hopefully you can get him to understand that this just isn't appropriate.

This is all based on you saying she is his type and is presumably an attractive woman!

[Aaarrgghhh]

Huh, I guess men and women can’t be friends without someone seeing more. Realistically though I don’t know him or the woman, it doesn’t sound like an affair but then no one will believe that a man can befriend a woman without wanting to fuck her and vice versa.

[Wellthatsit]

I think it's fairly obvious that they are close, so you have to decide if you're ok with that. Is it ok for a married person to be close to another person as long as there isn't anything sexual going on?
To me, an emotional affair is different from a close friendship - an emotional affair involves people telling each other they have feelings/love for each other, even if they don't actually kiss/have sex etc. A friendship isn't like that.
If your partner has a very close friendship it's normal to feel jealous, mainly because you want your partner to only ever confide in you, tell you about how they feel, open up to you, lean on you etc. But is it actually unhealthy for people to have close friends as well as partners? If this friend was a guy, would you feel differently? Yes, a female friend might be seen as a threat, but it sounds to me as if your DH is maybe not revealing the full extent of his contact because he is worried it will be misinterpreted.
And maybe he also wants a little bit of privacy to be himself without filtering. I know I may get flamed for saying that's ok, but I think it is important to give a partner a bit of space sometimes to be themselves, retain an independent identity within a marriage, as long as nothing sneaky is going on. (The fact that he only has phonecalls when you're not there is a bit secretive, but what I am saying (hoping) is this could be less to do with something untoward going on, and more to do with a desire to be uninhibited about the friendship).

[Aaarrgghhh]

Even if the content of all messages (and phone calls) was "innocent", it's still just too much contact, too often (esp the calls) for someone who's not single, it's inappropriate.

What? Lol

[CrystalShark]

To me it sounds like this is a kind of thrill for your husband, to have this contact with someone he fancies, little enough that he can tell himself he doesn't have to feel guilty about anything but enough to just add a bit of excitement to his life.

This is my read too. I hope anyway.

OP ignore the ‘wow I guess nobody can have friends without it being an affair then’ comments, you’ve already said he has other friends you’re fine with as do you with male friends, and that it’s the frequency and intensity and hidden nature of this friendship making you pause. As have many posters, including me, said they have plenty of friends of both sexes in their marriages and it’s all good. Doesn’t mean you’re immune to a line being crossed sadly.

[Ozziewozzie]

The fact that you haven’t had an update on her in a while would make me suspicious, particularly as you know they are chatting so much. He used to share this contact with you but now he’s not. That indicates a change.
I’d tell him I left my phone at work, and whilst sat next to him, just day can you borrow his, then have a look. Make a call to someone and walk off with it. It will answer your question hopefully

[Stephminx]

My husband often does his calls (ie to his dad, mum, sister etc) in the car on the way home so he’s not taking family time out of the evening. Quite sensible really.