To wonder if there’s more to their friendship?

[MondayMadnessMm]

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not. I would like to hear other people’s views please.

DH was working at a company but left around this time last year. During his time there he became close to one of his employees. He would give her a lift home, talk to her about the problems she’s having with her boyfriend, etc. He said that he really liked her as a person and he was often telling me about their coincidences like “You won’t believe where MMM went for her holiday last year!” and it would be the same place as us, before he knew her. Basically they seemed to really click.

Anyway, after DH left the company, he wanted to keep in touch with her. He’s never really had many work friends before, not who he wants to see out of work. So we have met up with her a few times.

He sometimes mentions in passing that he’s spoken to her and gives me little updates on her. Anyway, don’t ask me why but I looked at his phone bill. I had no reason to be suspicious. I was just being nosy. There was a huge amount of contact with her number. It seems like, since this time last year, he has called her about once a week for chats lasting 30-90 minutes. I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening. Oh and lots of texts. Not hundreds but probably on about 2 or 3 days a week and a handful at a time.

I’m not sure whether this level of contact is normal between ex-colleagues/friends.

She’s attractive, my DH’s type. I know he loves me though. AIBU to be even giving it a second thought?

[MondayMadnessMm]

OP you say he's always at home, but he works in an office.
I mean he leaves home at the last possible moment so is just on time for work and he seems to hurry home at the end of the day. Occasionally he’s late but it’s always a very reasonable and plausible excuse and hasn’t raised any suspicions. I don’t think he’s meeting her after work.

Surely that would be a very dangerous game because I see her with him every few months and she might make reference to it and land him in it?

I don’t think there are any secret meetings.

[TheSandman]

Men and women are allowed to be friends without wanting to fuck. My wife gets jealous/upset when I talk about a friend at work - despite the fact that she knows this woman is gay.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Does he delete the call history on his phone? Because you can see the outgoing calls and texts on his bill but how often or even is she calling him too? That would give a more realistic picture. Is it one sided or reciprocated?
I haven’t looked at his phone and would find it difficult to get the opportunity but I’m not sure I need to. Either he is calling her much more himself and maybe that’s because he’s infatuated with her and if that’s the case he has betrayed me to an extent. Or she’s calling him just as much and they’re having twice as much contact as his phone bill suggests, which is also suspicious. So either way, looking at his phone isn’t going to help in my opinion.

[MondayMadnessMm]

TheSandman I know that and I agree with you but why hide their level of contact from me?

[SoloJazz]

It's weird that they only talk when you're not around.

[wineandsunshine]

I would be so annoyed if my DH was doing that!
Have you considered telling him you looked at his bill and want to discuss it?

[MondayMadnessMm]

It's weird that they only talk when you're not around.
I know. It’s the combination of that, the sheer amount of (unmentioned) contact, I know he really likes her as a person and the fact that she’s attractive, etc.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Have you considered telling him you looked at his bill and want to discuss it?
I have considered it but I really don’t want to because I think it was underhand of me to look and if he is up to something then he’ll hide it more.

[SunshineAngel]

I have a guy friend who I call and text, and my partner is friends with a girl from a few jobs ago - they haven't actually seen each other for years, but do keep in touch.

We text other people when we're together, but we don't call other people.

This is not because we're hiding things, or don't want to be heard.

It's because firstly, I think it's rude to sit on the phone to someone when you're with your partner, particularly if you're both at work all day, or doing other things, and don't get a great deal of time together.

Secondly, when I phone my guy friend (and also when this girl phones my partner), it's when I'm bored. So, when I'm driving somewhere, or if I'm home alone for some reason and I have nothing better to do. I don't mean for it to sound like I'm using this guy because I'm not, it's just that I would never phone him when my partner was home because I would much rather be spending time with him and watching tele or chatting about our days etc.

Ultimately it's up to you to decide what you are and aren't happy with. You will only ever have his word for whether they are just friends or something more, and it is up to you whether to trust that or not.

But, men and women CAN just be friends, they CAN text frequently and they CAN have long phone conversations without having any remote intention of having any kind of affair. Of course, you do have to have the trust that it's not happening, and that is down to you.

[TheSandman]

I know that and I agree with you but why hide their level of contact from me?

I know I don't talk about my workmate to my wife if I can help it, because I'm fed up with the huffy sulking that her name almost instantly provokes... when coming from me. My daughter, who works with this woman too, and is more likely to have an emotional relationship with her - being gay as well - can mention her whenever she wants without comment.

Maybe he knows you are uncomfortable when she is mentioned and wants to avoid upsetting you.

[SoloJazz]

I don't think you were just nosy when you looked at that bill, you must have had suspicions by then. Trust your gut feeling. When I didn't trust mine I usually regretted it later.

[SunshineAngel]

@TheSandman I think you've hit the nail on the head with that one. I think a lot of people hide things from their partners that they think they might be annoyed at or worried about, just to save the hassle, rather than because they're actually doing something wrong. If my partner tried to stop me talking to my friend, or sulked when I said I had been, I wouldn't stop - but I'd absolutely stop telling him about it.

[Clayplease]

Was the phone bill a paper bill which you could legitimately have opened by mistake? If so you could just say 'hey I opened your bill by mistake, I had no idea you spoke to xxx so much!!' To see his reaction.

I'd be saying 'if I was speaking this much to a male friend without you knowing, how would you feel about it?' I admire you that you are obv trying to be trusting which is really good. Hope it all works out fine.

[Shessobrave]

@Stephminx My husband often does his calls (ie to his dad, mum, sister etc) in the car on the way home so he’s not taking family time out of the evening. Quite sensible really.

Nope - strange not sensible. You're married, why would he not call his family around his wife & kids?

[Shessobrave]

@DioneTheDiabolist Saltwater Crocodile would DEF beat Great White Shark!!

Sorry all, as you were

[Shessobrave]

@MondayMadnessMm Have you mentioned her to him at all yet?

[Creepster]

It is possible that he is mentoring her. I see no other reason for the frequency and length of their chats.

[Stephminx]

@shessobrave

Like I said, so that he’s not spending time away from me and the kids on an evening when he gets in from work. He’d prefer to speak with us when he’s at home, play with the kids or help out with dinner, tidying etc..

I’d probably just get annoyed if he wandered off for an hour or so regularly to catch up with his family (parents split up and siblings so lots of people to speak with) at our peak busy time and left me to deal with everything when he could put his commute time to good use and get this “job” out of the way. Like multi tasking. He doesn’t hide it and often relays any news etc. He’ll often sort out other work or home admin calls in the car too.

It’s also often that his mum especially has impeccable timing and always seems to ring when we’re in the middle of something, so he pre-empts her and calls when it’s convenient for us which stops it from disrupting our nights together.

I think it’s sensible, but then again I have no reason not to trust my husband.

He does also speak to his family at home, but some of them do tend to go on... and it can take him a while to get off the phone.

Not every man is a cheat and some do like to spend time with their families and/or help out at home you know.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Have you mentioned her to him at all yet?
No, not since the phone bill.
I’m actually a bit scared. I’m burying my head in the sand because I’m scared that if I raise it with him that my world might come crashing down and I’m not ready for that to happen.

[MondayMadnessMm]

It is possible that he is mentoring her?
In a professional sense? I don’t think so. I’m certain he’d have mentioned it.
In a personal way? Quite probably as he used to talk to her about her relationship problems.

[MondayMadnessMm]

I get what everyone is saying about how he can have a female friend, how it’s convenient to call her on his commute and not eat into our time together at home. I also appreciate that maybe he’s kept the level on contact secret in case I react badly.

But I have been with him for over 10 years. He’s never had a friendship this intense before. He has never talked this much to another person.

I don’t know.

[Mrmojorising71]

On here you'll hear emotional affair, breach of trust and the old favourite LTB, in reality only you know whether it's a problem or not, I have worked with many men and women who I've kept in touch with after either of us has moved on, I'm fairly certain my husband has too although I have never checked or asked, nor has he me, communicating with the opposite sex is not necessarily an indication of an affair in my opinion

[BillHadersNewWife]

See I don't think there's anything wrong with friends of the opposite sex BUT when you're married or in a long term committed relationship, the needs of one half of the couple in this sense should be met by their other half. Not by newish friends of the opposite or same sex.

All your worries, laughs and closeness should generally come from your husband or wife.

Your friends are there for fun and support but for adults, this should be occasional...once a week chat...not texting daily or long calls.

[BillHadersNewWife]

I have been with him for over 10 years. He’s never had a friendship this intense before.

And there's the rub isn't it? That's the issue. It's new behaviour...it's different.

And therefore, you should be concerned.

[Poignet]

OP, only for the fact that the facts don’t match, you could be talking about my friendship with a former male colleague. I made friends with him the way I make friends with anyone I like — a move out of London for DH’s work had been a lonely time, so I was delighted to find some new friends at work, and we got on immediately — and I only realised months later that I was his first new friend in years and years, and that he was talking about me at home to an extent that alarmed his wife slightly — partly because we’re originally from the same place. I had no idea I was such a big deal, but as I knew him better, I realised he’s frankly lazy about retaining friendships, and doesn’t work at them, and sort of delegates his social life to his wife.

But there’s nothing untoward whatsoever on either side. He’s just another person I get on with, and if he were less passive and lazy about retaining friendships, I wouldn’t stand out as unusual in his life either.