To wonder if there’s more to their friendship?

[MondayMadnessMm]

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not. I would like to hear other people’s views please.

DH was working at a company but left around this time last year. During his time there he became close to one of his employees. He would give her a lift home, talk to her about the problems she’s having with her boyfriend, etc. He said that he really liked her as a person and he was often telling me about their coincidences like “You won’t believe where MMM went for her holiday last year!” and it would be the same place as us, before he knew her. Basically they seemed to really click.

Anyway, after DH left the company, he wanted to keep in touch with her. He’s never really had many work friends before, not who he wants to see out of work. So we have met up with her a few times.

He sometimes mentions in passing that he’s spoken to her and gives me little updates on her. Anyway, don’t ask me why but I looked at his phone bill. I had no reason to be suspicious. I was just being nosy. There was a huge amount of contact with her number. It seems like, since this time last year, he has called her about once a week for chats lasting 30-90 minutes. I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening. Oh and lots of texts. Not hundreds but probably on about 2 or 3 days a week and a handful at a time.

I’m not sure whether this level of contact is normal between ex-colleagues/friends.

She’s attractive, my DH’s type. I know he loves me though. AIBU to be even giving it a second thought?

[Sunflower20]

This is not normal in my opinion. Sorry

[Candleabra]

Sorry to say I would be very suspicious. Particularly of the secrecy. Discussion of personal relationship problems is not on. They are building a wall around themselves as a couple.

I also wonder whether the FB friends thing is a way to avoid their friendship being out in the public domain. To avoid awkward questions (even from ex colleagues - I didn't know you two knew each other so well...). Or a way for your DH to justify his behaviour (we're not that close). Again, it's all about the secrecy.

[WTFisThisNow]

I speak to my bff this often, maybe not on the phone but message every day almost.
Just cos she is a woman doesn't mean he's having an affair, he could just have found a good friend.
One of my oldest friends is a guy and we talk a couple of times a month, if we lived closer we'd probably talk and spend a lot more time together. He's like a best friend / brother to me, nothing romantic there at all.

[WTFisThisNow]

Maybe he's bored on his commute and wanted to chat to someone? 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Fiacla]

Look, OP, as someone with a close male friend who used to be a colleague, nothing you’ve said sounds to me at all suspicious in itself. We talk at length at least once a week, email/message often, and it’s a purely platonic but emotionally close friendship between two married people — I have other close friends, but I think I’m much his closest friend. Because it was a work friendship, and we lived far apart, we’ve very seldom met one another’s spouses, and DH is probably almost never around when we talk, purely because we both work long hours and prioritise time together on evenings we’re both at home — I don’t talk to any friends in the evenings. We often talk when I’m on public transport home, and he’s in the office or in his car, or at lunchtime.

Nothing sexual/inappropriate going on at all. Unless you think you have only a finite amount of emotion, and that should only be lavished on your spouse.

[ViserionTheDragon]

Based on the information you have given OP, this doesn't sound right at all. I hope you get to the bottom of this xx

[WTFisThisNow]

When two people routinely talk for that long it's because they can't bear to say goodbye to each other. I think they're besotted. Sorry.

Wtf is this nonsense. 🙄
I talk to people I'm close to lots. I'm not besotted with them.
Would you say this if she was a man?

OP, you've really got 3 options here...

1. Address the issue with your DH, be open and honest, have a good chat about it all and put it to bed.
   
   
2. Forget it and move on.
   
   
3. Let it drive you crazy and keep on obsessing about it.

[AllFourOfThem]

Those of you who think it’s suspicious, is it the amount of contact or something else?

It’s a lot of contact but some people do have loads of contact with others. However, it’s so regular, he doesn’t tell you about these conversations and has clearly made you believe it’s far less frequent than it really is. I also think it’s odd that they are not Facebook friends when they both use it. I wonder whether their friendship is a secret from her boyfriend?

[Fiacla]

I talk to my male friend for over an hour at a time because he’s funny and thoughtful and a brilliant conversationalist, and I miss that we no longer work together. Not that I can’t ‘bear to say goodbye’ to him. He’s lovely. I’m lucky to know him. If anything, having a good friend like him — and not just him, another two (female) friends, too — strengthens my marriage. I don’t think it’s good for anyone to only have one person they’re close to.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

The secrecy, intensity and intimacy of their long, frequent, private phone calls tells you everything you need to know OP.

You need to address this with him. He’s your partner, you’re allowed to be open with him.

[lottelupin]

Some technical points:

On the phone bill, is much data used?
Do you see any itemised calls which are to his own phone number?

I personally think you may, I'm afraid, only have seen the tip of the iceberg with communication. I would say it's more likely than not that they are in contact on Messenger or What's App (maybe he says he doesn't like/use WA to put you off). When he doesn't have WiFi, using one of those messaging apps will eat data. If he makes calls through it, ditto.

Any itemised call to his own number is a call made on WA, Messenger, etc.

As for Facebook - it's possible to block which friends see what on your account, although a bit of an elaborate manoeuvre. I'd say more her not being on his FB and vice versa is because they didn't want to attract attention to their friendship. And/or maybe her boyfriend is a jealous type?

...

I'm sorry but almost everything you've reported is exactly - practically word for word - how I'd have described matters between my DP and an 'amazing' friend who he also begged me to allow him to have. I'm afraid it turned out I'd been lied to with baroque elaboration and a wanton disrespect for me and her husband.

The particular red flags for me would be:

• They felt like the pair when you had dinner. They were playing along to reassure you. I was also subject to several dinners/cups of tea like this, and I could feel some unaccustomed energy in the air. They seemed to act in tandem, had a lot of eye contact, and she couldn't help doing that same thing of referring to personal facts from his life, how he felt, etc - signs of intimacy and a lot of conversations.

• You know at least some of how much they talk. But he never gets a call in front of you, and never makes one. Why?

• They still have this much contact a year after leaving work, but apparently never see each other. If you had a friend you spoke to every week at length, and texted most days, for a year, do you think you'd never meet up?

A question: how often does your DH go away? Is he sometimes off fir several hours? Do you ever call him and hear in the Bluetooth that he's in the car and travelling at motorway speed? Does he flag up to you in advance of going off? Eg ah I've got to go to (Cirencester ...) on Thursday ... got loads of meetings so might not be able to talk ... won't have good reception. ?

Does he ever seem keen to encourage you to go out with friends or go away for a day or more? Is this new?

How does he look? Always the same? Better recently?

Have any of his fundamental habits changed?

I also said I trusted my DP and I honestly believed the one thing he'd never do would be that. I really hope this is just a friendship, but I'm afraid there are many classic signs of a covert relationship. :(( Xx

[Motoko]

Thinking more about the phone calls. Surely, if they were just friends, she would ring him sometimes, while he's with you? Just on laws of averages. Which makes me think he's told her not to ring him, in case you're around. And, if it's all so innocent, why couldn't he talk to her if you're there, after all, you know they're friends?

[MondayMadnessMm]

On the phone bill, is much data used?
I didn’t notice that.

Do you see any itemised calls which are to his own phone number?
No. Him phoning himself? No.

He never goes away anywhere. Well, very very occasionally and not for long.

He’s looking great at the moment 😱

[MondayMadnessMm]

Surely, if they were just friends, she would ring him sometimes, while he's with you? Just on laws of averages.
I agree

Which makes me think he's told her not to ring him, in case you're around. And, if it's all so innocent, why couldn't he talk to her if you're there, after all, you know they're friends?
Yeah, it is odd.

[lottelupin]

Does he work from home or in an office?

[lottelupin]

I'm thinking, as I guess they work in a similar field, and discussed work at dinner - is there any way they could still be in contact/see each other in regards to work?

And was the dinner this year?

Sorry :( It may well just be an intense friendship, and even they die out after a while.

Oh one more thought: sorry to ask but is he the same re:sex? Or is he more or less active with you than before?

[MeMyselfIcecream]

This would piss me off if it was my husband. I guess the things that are red flags for me are the fact that he never has these phone calls with her when you're around (and doesn't mention them to you either) and also that she spoke to him about relationship problems. If I were you the next time he mentions her, suggest inviting her and her boyfriend for dinner and see how he reacts.

[lottelupin]

It just feels like there is probably some situation in which they still see each other.

And any emails/texts/calls at a workplace wouldn't be on your radar.

Personally i think he's doing what someone else said - a little bit playing with fire, as he has a strong affinity with her and she's attractive - but given your very good opinion of him, he may not have overstepped whatever line he considers wrong. If it doesn't interfere with your life at all then I guess he considers it ok and under control.

It's such a tricky subject, and I agree you shouldn't say you've looked at his calls, but at some point it would be good to talk to him about it. Having said that, while he is unaware that you've found something, you should probably check whatever else you can, because sadly the reaction often is, after finding out you've looked, that anything there is will be better hidden.

This is your chance now to check what you can, and hopefully put your mind at rest. Then talk to him.

💐

[lottelupin]

Oh and does he have two phones? Eg one for home, one for work?

[lottelupin]

I found a weird car park ticket. Cleaning his pockets before washing his jeans. It showed time, date, reg number. It located him nowhere near where he'd said he'd been.

I didn't want to become detective - nobody does. But then again, nobody wants to be treated wrongly.

[lottelupin]

Agree with memyself - another dinner is in order. And give them plenty of wine (but don't drink much yourself!).

[Fiacla]

Surely, if they were just friends, she would ring him sometimes, while he's with you? Just on laws of averages.

Honestly, I would never just ring a friend or family member out of the blue for a chat, especially if we usually have fairly long conversations people are too busy, and in our house, with two demanding FT jobs and a young child, it cuts across dinner/homework/bedtime/spending a bit of time with DH. I would always prearrange via text or email eg 'Fancy talking tomorrow night?' 'Can't, we're out Tuesday?' 'Fine, talk then.'

So it wouldn't be at all unlikely that DH would never or almost never be around when I talk to either of my closest friends on the phone -- because if we're both home in the evening, we want to make dinner and talk to one another. I tend to talk to one close friend (female) the one night DH regularly stays over in London, and to another close friend (male) while we're both on our way home from work, because that works for us both. There's nothing mysterious about it, it's just using time in a way that works for everyone involved.

[MondayMadnessMm]

He works in an office.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Yes, the dinner was this year.

[MondayMadnessMm]

Our sex life is broadly the same. Perhaps a little less than usual. Definitely not more than usual.