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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever okay to ask for money?

208 replies

BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 08:57

Looking to buy first house but as DH is self employed is proving difficult.

He doesn't have a full 2 years accounts yet (April next year) but our broker told us that wouldn't be a problem if we could get an accountant to confirm we were set to make same/more than last year which we did.

It's now transpired that the lender who would accept the above won't do so without a 10% deposit, we only have just over 5 which we were also told would be okay.

As we'd received a decision in principle from the broker we'd already put an offer in on a house that we absolutely love and to be honest I'm absolutely gutted now that we can't proceed.

I have some relatives who I am close to that are quite well off. Is it unreasonable to ask to borrow the remainder of the 10% deposit so we can go ahead? Really we could just wait until April and wouldn't have to borrow anything at all and could likely have saved enough for a 10% by then as well.

I think they would say yes to be honest but it's my own conscience stopping me. I feel awful asking for handouts when really it's only because I really want something rather than need it.

I have anxiety which I'm on medication for so I tend to over think things a lot which means I can't often tell if I'm right or wrong in my caution.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NewNameGuy · 09/10/2019 09:00

You can ask if you are 1000% sure you can pay back, are ready for them to say no, and will be ok if you lose jobs etc

returnofthecat · 09/10/2019 09:10

It's never OK to ask for money if you don't think the person you're asking can afford to lose it. It depends on what "quite well off" means.

As this is a house purchase, your relatives would likely have to legally gift you the money rather than lend it to you, so there would be no protection for them if you never repaid them the cash. Could they afford to go without the repayments if your circumstances changed, or would you be causing them financial hardship?

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 09:14

I hate thinking and talking about someone else's finances 😖 BUT yes I do believe they would be fine without it. When I say 'quite' well off I mean well off. I won't go into all the details as to why I know that but it's well known in our family that they have a lot of money.

I understand they'd have to technically gift it to us.

OP posts:
Biwurlu · 09/10/2019 09:15

No. Just wait untill you can afford it.

It's embarrassing as an adult not supporting yourself imo.

HeddaGarbled · 09/10/2019 09:18

I think you should wait until you can afford to buy independently. No one knows what’s going to happen to the economy after Brexit. Too risky to take your relative’s money based on future predictions IMO.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 09:21

Tread carefully, and have a clear plan for repayment to show. Approach it tentatively. People who have lots piled up don't get that way without liking the feeling of lots piled up!

Be prepared to lose the easy relationship you have with these folk if the refuse; be prepared for some entitled snooping if they agree.

If you can wait a little while and depend on nobody, I'd recommend doing that, honestly.

I've been on the other side of this and am pretty sure the 'loan' is never coming back. I bargained for that, but I can't help thinking how I would be deploying those funds now and raising an eyebrow privately when I see evidence of spending on things I wouldn't buy for myself. Of course I don't say anything, and it's still none of my business, but if I hadn't helped out I wouldn't have those squirmy feelings.

Other people might feel more entitled and speak out.

Biwurlu · 09/10/2019 09:23

Also I really wouldn't buy with just 10%.

No offense but it sounds like you can't afford to buy. Put down 25% so that in these uncertain times you won't be trapped in NE.

june2007 · 09/10/2019 09:23

I would say it can open a can of worms, what if you can't pay it back. What if they lend you moneya and you still have financial probs. I don't think it is wrong to ask and if there family they may be more then willing to help. (better then some loan companies.) But if you can avoid then probably best.

ShanghaiDiva · 09/10/2019 09:29

I think you also need to ensure your have enough saved to cover conveyancing fees, survey, moving costs etc so more than just the 5/10% deposit.
I think you can ask, but it would not be unreasonable of them to say no.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 09:29

It's embarrassing as an adult not supporting yourself imo

I think this is slightly unfair. Not in my case, but I work in conveyancing and I'd say easily over half first time buyers I deal with are getting help from family to get onto the ladder. It's not embarrassing, it's really difficult and I'm not going to judge if someone's been given a hand.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 09/10/2019 09:29

It depends. If it's your parents, ask. If it's a great aunt, I wouldn't.

If you do ask, go to them with a full breakdown of your repayment plan.

Be prepared for them to say no. Just because they could help doesn't mean they have to.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 09:30

so more than just the 5/10% deposit

Yes I know, we do already have money set aside for this also. Although I wouldn't have conveyancing fees other than disbursements.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 09/10/2019 09:31

No offense but it sounds like you can't afford to buy. Put down 25% so that in these uncertain times you won't be trapped in NE.

Don't be ridiculous. If they couldn't afford a mortgage they wouldn't be allowed a mortgage.

Lordamighty · 09/10/2019 09:31

Parents yes, anyone else no.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 09:31

AmI, it's my grandparents.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 09:32

I've paid more in rent the past 3 years than I would be paying per month on the mortgage we've been offered (with a 10%).

OP posts:
misspiggy19 · 09/10/2019 09:32

Grandparents? Don’t see any issue at all. We all need some help sometimes.

smugmug · 09/10/2019 09:34

Property is moving pretty slowly at the moment , save like mad then buy in April or whenever you have saved the 10% deposit , the house you like may still be available

Biwurlu · 09/10/2019 09:34

That's not what I said. I said they risk NE. Prices are falling year on year where I am now (not SE).

In uncertain times it's prudent not to stretch yourself to the max.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/10/2019 09:35

Borrowing the deposit from a relative might not work because you have to declare where your deposit came from and the lender might consider not actually being able to save the whole deposit yourself as evidence that you don't meet their affordability criteria.

Sorry, but it's hard to get a mortgage these days, especially for the self employed.

Pineapplebaby · 09/10/2019 09:35

Only you know your relationship with them; if you think they’d be fine with you asking and things would still be fine if they said no, then go for it.
I think the pp who said it’s embarrassing should be ashamed; there’s nothing wrong in asking for help. I did it with family when doing IVF, one said yes, another said no. It was all good and the one that said yes, I paid back as soon as I could.
And to the person who said wait until you have 25%; wow.... in an ideal world we’d all love to wait until we had that, but it’s massively unrealistic in this day and age.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 09/10/2019 09:37

I would normally say no but if it's grandparents then maybe. How many grandchildren do they have? Because they might need to do this 6 times over.

I know you plan to repay it so it's a loan not a handout but for the mortgage it would have to be a gift.

Personally I'd rather wait and save the money and I certainly wouldn't buy now in the uncertainty of Brexit as I think there is a high risk of job losses and house price falls. But that's just my view.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 09:38

The only reason I think they might be okay with it is because I know they've helped out other family members in similar ways. I.e. they recently bought a car for someone so they didn't have to pay finance and they now just pay my grandparents back per month. The amount we would need is probably less than they paid for that tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 09:40

Well it's not the only reason, just that I know they don't mind helping out.

But yes if course I wouldn't mind if they said no. It's their money and I totally appreciate that.

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 09/10/2019 09:43

If you will be able to save the rest of the money by April then I would suggest that is what you do. Your partner will also have his 2 sets of accounts by then so you may have more places to obtain a mortgage where the rates may be more favourable.

You will get a greater sense of achievement by saving for the deposit yourself than by borrowing from your grandparents.

Withdraw your offer on the property and wait until you have the deposit plus conveyancing costs before looking again. Take pride in doing something for yourself.

Your grandparents may well agree to loan you the money but I'm sure they'd be more proud of you if you saved it yourself.

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