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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever okay to ask for money?

208 replies

BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 08:57

Looking to buy first house but as DH is self employed is proving difficult.

He doesn't have a full 2 years accounts yet (April next year) but our broker told us that wouldn't be a problem if we could get an accountant to confirm we were set to make same/more than last year which we did.

It's now transpired that the lender who would accept the above won't do so without a 10% deposit, we only have just over 5 which we were also told would be okay.

As we'd received a decision in principle from the broker we'd already put an offer in on a house that we absolutely love and to be honest I'm absolutely gutted now that we can't proceed.

I have some relatives who I am close to that are quite well off. Is it unreasonable to ask to borrow the remainder of the 10% deposit so we can go ahead? Really we could just wait until April and wouldn't have to borrow anything at all and could likely have saved enough for a 10% by then as well.

I think they would say yes to be honest but it's my own conscience stopping me. I feel awful asking for handouts when really it's only because I really want something rather than need it.

I have anxiety which I'm on medication for so I tend to over think things a lot which means I can't often tell if I'm right or wrong in my caution.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lockshunkugel · 09/10/2019 10:14

I think I would wait until April because as well as having the deposit, it would mean that your DP’s business has another 6 months of successful trading and 2 years of accounts. You’d probably be offered a better mortgage rate too.

Genevieva · 09/10/2019 10:15

If the money from your relatives is a loan and not a gift then you should declare this to the mortgage provider. They would expect to see the repayment contract between you and those relatives, so they can make an assessment of how much you can afford to borrow from them. Not declaring a loan, even from a relative, could render your mortgage agreement invalid.

Supersimkin2 · 09/10/2019 10:15

It's embarrassing as an adult not supporting yourself imo. - rather an awful remark. Over 80 percent of couples buying need family help. We take it you don't believe in social housing either?

Millennial · 09/10/2019 10:15

No I don’t think you should.

Maybe find a more affordable home?

FunOnTheBeach20 · 09/10/2019 10:16

Ask, they can only say no.

will be ok if you lose jobs etc

This statement is always on mortgage offers and always amuses me. Very few people are ok if they lose their jobs. That’s why we go to work. Most people are a month away from being homeless.

MitchellMummy · 09/10/2019 10:16

I wouldn't ask. If the lender then sees you (say) buying takeaways, eating out somewhere expensive, going away etc. etc. then they may feel peeved, which may in turn ruin the relationship. If you do it under your own steam then it's your money, your choice how you spend it. If they offer of course then that's entirely different!

MeganTheVegan · 09/10/2019 10:17

You sound like a responsible person so I would absolutely ask if I were you.

Only on Mumsnet is it OK for the older generation to greedily hold onto money and property acquired when times were good, whilst the younger generation struggle to survive.

rattusrattus20 · 09/10/2019 10:17

I don't like it. April isn't far off at all.

sansou · 09/10/2019 10:19

Think seriously whether you want to do this.

House prices are NOT going up. Another year of saving/accounts and you will be obligated to no-one. There will always be another house...and most probably cheaper /better.

Borrowing money from friends/family has a horrible potential to sour relationships. It would take a lot for me to even ask money from my own parents(who are well off) and I'm an only child with a decent relationship with them.

TatianaLarina · 09/10/2019 10:20

Only on Mumsnet is it OK for the older generation to greedily hold onto money and property acquired when times were good, whilst the younger generation struggle to survive.

Only on MN would people think that they’re greedily entitled to money the older generation have earned themselves.

Supersimkin2 · 09/10/2019 10:20

Only on Mumsnet is it OK for the older generation to greedily hold onto money and property acquired when times were good, whilst the younger generation struggle to survive.

Phew, someone said the sane thing. Go for it, OP.

DuMondeB · 09/10/2019 10:21

It;s ok to ask but it;s also ok for them to say no.

Waiting til April sounds like a better option though.

PiggyPokkyFool · 09/10/2019 10:21

Go on OP - ask them and say you understand if they would prefer not. Nothing to lose - we borrow £3000 from my grandmother in 1995 to buy our first flat and paid it back within 6 months as our mortgage was just over half our rent. When we bought our house(1998) we left ourselves so tight that a friend offered us £1000 tide us over and we had that back to him in 3 months.
It is what friends and family do if they can and I fully intended to give both of my girls £100,000 each (currently building up savings accounts in joint names which I stick all my sideline makings into each month) when they buy. We could never have done this without having a boost and we were adults.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 10:22

greedily hold onto money

I don't think of them as greedy at all. They own a business which has done amazingly well and has done for a long time. But they worked incredibly hard to get there.

I think we likely will wait till April. It's just a bit gutting because we really liked the house but appreciate everyone's comments!

OP posts:
lemmein · 09/10/2019 10:23

I'm a grandparent. I would be really upset if I found out my grandchild was going to lose a house they loved because they didn't feel comfortable asking for my help. Assuming I had the money I would help my grandchild in a heartbeat.

TatianaLarina · 09/10/2019 10:23

I can’t believe the entitlement on here.

OP isn’t struggling to survive. She put in an offer on a house she can’t really afford before she had sorted out the finances for it. Lesson learned.

Whattodoabout · 09/10/2019 10:24

Only ask if you’re certain you can pay it all back regularly. I wouldn’t personally want to, I think it can cause a lot of bitter resentment.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 10:25

Lesson learned

Well to defend myself just slightly, the only reason we put an offer in was because our broker told us we could afford us and we had an AIP. Just like anyone else when buying a house.

OP posts:
Biwurlu · 09/10/2019 10:26

Yes baby boomers have had it very easy
They are the luckiest generation there's ever been and ever will be for quite a while.

That doesn't mean younger people should not support themselves.

If it's only 4.5k save up for it yourself. Lots go wrong with houses so it's wise to always have savings.

I've bailed out my sister, spends all her money then comes a job loss y only has enough money for a month. It's embarrassing and I judge her for being so silly driving a new car, spending 800 on a coat and zero savings.

sansou · 09/10/2019 10:29

@PiggyPokkyFool
It's one thing to offer money you have specifically saved for your own DC, it's another for various GC to ask you for loans because they want stuff NOW rather than save for another 6mths/year AND because they think that you have the funds so why not tap them for it. Sorry, that's the way I would view this.

You're not in dire straits here. Delayed gratification anyone? Ask your parents first for help and get their opinion.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/10/2019 10:29

@BlunderingIdiot Can you talk to them? Ask them what they'd do? They may offer to lend you the money. I would lend £4.5k for someone to get their perfect house, they might feel the same.

This happens with self-employment, sadly, I'm self-employed myself. We're in the middle of moving now rather than waiting until I have full accounts next year, because we found a lovely house and who knows what is going to happen with Brexit etc. I'd rather be settled and have a fixed rate.

RoseQuartzGlow · 09/10/2019 10:29

If it’s your grandparents I think that’s fine.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 10:29

I likely will take the advice on here and wait until April but I think you're being a bit unfair Biwurlu.

You don't know anything about my finances. I don't spend 800 on coats nor do I drive around in flash cars financed to the eyeballs. We rent and have done for a long time and the area we live is not cheap so frankly I'm quite chuffed with ourselves that we've managed to get what we have together whilst paying high rent the whole time.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 09/10/2019 10:29

Which turned out not to be correct.

A 5% deposit with a self employed partner with under 2 years of accounts was always a long shot.

BIWI · 09/10/2019 10:31

@MeganTheVegan

Only on Mumsnet is it OK for the older generation to greedily hold onto money and property acquired when times were good, whilst the younger generation struggle to survive.

DFOD.

You do realise that for many of the 'older generation' that that money has to sustain them in their retirement? It's not about hanging on to it and not helping out their children or grandchildren.

And, although not in the OP's case as she's demonstrated that they are a) able to pay the mortgage and b) have already saved up a lot of their deposit, as @TatianaLarina said - the sense of entitlement that some have that they somehow have a right to someone else's money is truly shocking.

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