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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever okay to ask for money?

208 replies

BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 08:57

Looking to buy first house but as DH is self employed is proving difficult.

He doesn't have a full 2 years accounts yet (April next year) but our broker told us that wouldn't be a problem if we could get an accountant to confirm we were set to make same/more than last year which we did.

It's now transpired that the lender who would accept the above won't do so without a 10% deposit, we only have just over 5 which we were also told would be okay.

As we'd received a decision in principle from the broker we'd already put an offer in on a house that we absolutely love and to be honest I'm absolutely gutted now that we can't proceed.

I have some relatives who I am close to that are quite well off. Is it unreasonable to ask to borrow the remainder of the 10% deposit so we can go ahead? Really we could just wait until April and wouldn't have to borrow anything at all and could likely have saved enough for a 10% by then as well.

I think they would say yes to be honest but it's my own conscience stopping me. I feel awful asking for handouts when really it's only because I really want something rather than need it.

I have anxiety which I'm on medication for so I tend to over think things a lot which means I can't often tell if I'm right or wrong in my caution.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Jent13c · 09/10/2019 09:46

I don't think you are quite there yet affordability wise and would hold off if it were me. It is easy to get caught up in the excitement of buying your house. My SIL borrowed off her MIL and then got pregnant so they had a new bigger mortgage, stat maternity pay, new insurances and larger bills than they did in their previous rented flat and paying back money to her MIL. It was a pretty tough few years for them and she had to go back when baby was 8 months old and a lot more hours than planned. Only now they have owned their house about 5 years are they able to do anything to their house because they couldn't afford to.

Most lenders ask for 3 years audited accounts but from the sound of it you have only 1 so they cannot see a proven track record of how his business is trading. It's a pretty risky lend and I think they are being pretty fair offering 10% deposit for that.

Gretafamily · 09/10/2019 09:48

Grandparents I would say definitely ask as long as you feel they wouldn’t be offended! It’s very difficult getting a deposit together, I’m in the SE very near London and no way could I have gone to 25%. I’m now paying half on repayments than renting per month. YANBU

EssentialHummus · 09/10/2019 09:50

I wouldn't personally (though after I announced I was buying a flat my parents unexpectedly gave me something which I used on repairs). If I was flat broke and needed money for rent/a fridge whatever, then yes, but waiting 6 months and doing it yourself is realistic. Any chance of picking up a bit more work between you to speed things up?

MutedUser · 09/10/2019 09:50

Why would they need to gift it to you. You should get it all in writing and both parties sign it to protect them so they have legal right to their money back if you decide for some reason not to pay them back. Not that you would of course but it all needs written down.

RegretnaGreen · 09/10/2019 09:54

Ask them. You will regret it if you don't but ask for a loan not a gift. Put it all in writing and be seen to be living a frugal life until you pay it back with a bit of interest on top.

I borrowed a stonking amount of money from my DDad for this place and I paid him back in half the time I promised and went very short to do so. As a result he was happy to loan again to me when my dog needed urgent surgery at a specialist practice.
Within families I think this is normal so long as the piss is not taken.

rainingallday · 09/10/2019 09:54

@BlunderingIdiot

I don't think it's terrible to ask close-ish relatives for money, but I wouldn't, in a million years. Never have and never would. And how are you going to be able to pay it back? On top of all the outgoings that go with buying a new house (moving costs, solicitors fees, search fees, stamp duty, credit searches, and so on...)

As a few posters have said, why can you not just wait til April? Also, I agree slightly, with the poster who said are you sure you can afford to buy/want to buy? Because your financial situation sounds precarious IMO.

OMGshefoundmeout · 09/10/2019 09:56

@Biwurlu. It’s not as simple as that is it? I’m sure if the OP had 25% of the asking price she would already be putting down that 25% not casting around to find 10%.

And NE isn’t necessarily a disaster. I’ve been a home owner for a long time. Twice in that time I have ended up in negative equity (once with a mortgage interest rate of 15%) and have had to stay on in that property until house prices rose. If you don’t have to sell (and I realise sometimes people do have to) and can afford your loan, negative equity doesn’t make much difference to your quality of life and is more secure than renting.

Aderyn19 · 09/10/2019 09:58

I wouldn't. If something does go wrong and you cannot afford to repay, that would be terrible for family relations. Your parents might feel they had to repay on your behalf.
There's a reason why mortgage companies are reluctant to lend to the self employed without years of record to prove a business is successful - if your dh is only one year in, you really don't know that all will be well in the future.

chipsandgin · 09/10/2019 09:58

If you phrase it right and make it absolutely clear you will be able to and intend to pay it back and when, also tell them you feel awkward asking and will totally understand if they say no for whatever reason then it’s not unreasonable.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 09:59

Why would they need to gift it to you

They would technically need to gift it because the lender would require it to be a gift rather than a loan but I would pay it back (although I appreciate your word is not very meaningful in these sorts of situations).

We have already put aside what we would need in terms of costs. We wouldn't pay conveyancing fees or stamp duty, neither would we need to pay removers as DH has a large van we've always used when moving house. But yes everything else we have already set aside the money for. Its literally just the top up deposit we'd need. We have about 6- 7% ourselves.

OP posts:
Span1elsRock · 09/10/2019 09:59

No it's never OK.

It's their money. Not yours. And incredibly rude to assume you have a right to it.

You save like everyone else has to.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 10:01

And to the poster asking why I can't wait till April, I can. That's why I feel bad about considering asking. It's just because we absolutely love this house and it's perfect for us. It took us quite a while to find one suitable so will be sad to let it go now but appreciate that's what we may have to do.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 09/10/2019 10:02

I wouldn’t ask anyone other than my mum or my sister.

If you can afford payments, borrow from a bank. If you can’t, you can’t afford the house.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 10:02

to assume you have a right to it

Where have I assumed I have a right to it?? If I thought that I wouldn't be so torn up about asking would I!

OP posts:
AmIThough · 09/10/2019 10:05

My DPs GPs gave him the deposit for his mortgage, because they wanted to.
If your GPs can afford it, there's no harm in asking, much like I said about asking parents.

Biwurlu · 09/10/2019 10:05

Take pride in doing something for yourself.

Totally agree

Your grandparents will respect you more if you stand on your own feet.

TatianaLarina · 09/10/2019 10:07

Absolutely not. It’s never ok.

Puts them in a difficult position. And they need all the money they have for carers/care homes in the future. Don’t try to take advantage of their goodwill.

You’re young. Just graft and save like everyone else.

Rachelover60 · 09/10/2019 10:08

No harm asking, they may not cough up though.

Good luck.

AmIThough · 09/10/2019 10:08

@TatianaLarina I'm sure they'd rather their granddaughter benefit from the money than it go to a carer, which would be paid for by the government if they didn't have savings anyway.

OP also said she'd pay it back.

Pitterpatterpettysteps · 09/10/2019 10:09

How much money is involved here?

How many other grandchildren are there? Presumably they will want to be fair

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 10:12

How much money is involved here?

About £4,500.

There are 2 other grandchildren, they are in school and still quite young.

OP posts:
moonlight1705 · 09/10/2019 10:12

Goodness people are strange on here, its your grandparents not some random friend.

You can only ask them and obviously if they say no then accept you might lose the house. If they say yes then the opinions of Mnetters really don't matter.

raspberryk · 09/10/2019 10:12

I asked for a loan from my grandparents to help me with legal fees and moving costs as it was the only way I could have somewhere to live and was the first house roughly near budget in 8 months of looking.
It was still embarrasing as a single parent, no way would I ask if I knew I could just wait till April.

TatianaLarina · 09/10/2019 10:13

I'm sure they'd rather their granddaughter benefit from the money than it go to a carer, which would be paid for by the government if they didn't have savings anyway.

What on earth are you talking about? First you’ve never met them so you’ve no idea what they’d prefer. Second carers are not paid for by the government - and social care is in crisis.

nannybeach · 09/10/2019 10:14

Someone put on this post, "if you couldnt afford to buy, you wouldnt be offered a mortgage", thats not true. Had a slightly similar situation,house prices were rocketing, (we lived in a caravan where our daughters bedroom was 4feet by 6) we need to get a house. We had the deposit, but not enough money for the legal fees, so asked my (1st H) paretns who were very well off, if they culd lend us the money, on a proper business footing, with interest, they said no. The following year houses had gone up massively. We pulled out all the stops and bought our first house. I subsequently discovered after we bought our 3rd property, my EXH had failed the medical because of being overweight with very high BP, they still gave us the mortgage, BUT we had no life insurance because they refused to cover him, so had he died I would have been stuffed. So, pleased we did it by ourselves.

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