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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever okay to ask for money?

208 replies

BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 08:57

Looking to buy first house but as DH is self employed is proving difficult.

He doesn't have a full 2 years accounts yet (April next year) but our broker told us that wouldn't be a problem if we could get an accountant to confirm we were set to make same/more than last year which we did.

It's now transpired that the lender who would accept the above won't do so without a 10% deposit, we only have just over 5 which we were also told would be okay.

As we'd received a decision in principle from the broker we'd already put an offer in on a house that we absolutely love and to be honest I'm absolutely gutted now that we can't proceed.

I have some relatives who I am close to that are quite well off. Is it unreasonable to ask to borrow the remainder of the 10% deposit so we can go ahead? Really we could just wait until April and wouldn't have to borrow anything at all and could likely have saved enough for a 10% by then as well.

I think they would say yes to be honest but it's my own conscience stopping me. I feel awful asking for handouts when really it's only because I really want something rather than need it.

I have anxiety which I'm on medication for so I tend to over think things a lot which means I can't often tell if I'm right or wrong in my caution.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PoorlySonToday · 09/10/2019 10:31

I've only been asked for money once. I was going backrupt and couldn't afford the fee (yes, you actually have to pay to go bankrupt! Crazy! It was £400). I asked my mum if I could borrow the money. It was the most degrading, worst day of my life. She leant me the money but made me set up a standing order to pay her back £50 a month. Which I did. I was only 24 and was going backrupt for such a small amount of money. Looking back I should never have gone bankrupt, but at the time any debt felt insurmountable and I felt very alone in managing it.

As a parent, my children are free to ask me for money any time. I never want them to feel the shame I felt. If I don't have the money, I'll say, but if i can help them I will. I think most parents only want to help and support their children.

Ask you pil and do it proudly. It's not shameful to borrow money if you know you can pay it back. It will help you and if they are nice normal human beings, they won't mind being asked at all. If they can't afford it they will politely say no. But if they can, it will help you both

Smile
PoorlySonToday · 09/10/2019 10:32

*sorry - meant to say "I've only asked for money once"

TimeForNewStart · 09/10/2019 10:32

I think it’s fine. It’s not that much money in the scheme of things and most grandparents would want to help out I would have thought. Mine gave me a deposit for my first house, and I am sure my mum would do the same for my DD. Only if they have form for being weird about money would I not ask.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 10:32

Which turned out not to be correct

Yes obviously. I'm just saying I only acted on the advice I was given by professionals. I didn't just wing it. I took advice and acted accordingly.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/10/2019 10:34

I'm a grandparent. I would be really upset if I found out my grandchild was going to lose a house they loved because they didn't feel comfortable asking for my help. Assuming I had the money I would help my grandchild in a heartbeat.

And I know my own lovely grandmother would be the same. I think it's OK to ask. But I also think you should change broker if this doesn't work out, because there's no way you were going to get a 10% deposit through on 2 years non-certified earnings. That was lazy advice from them.

Biwurlu · 09/10/2019 10:34

The op has hardly saved up much, just 4.5k.

That's nothing compared with the repair costs you can get hit with by owning a house.

TatianaLarina · 09/10/2019 10:36

I'm just saying I only acted on the advice I was given by professionals.

It was poor advice though, and a bit of research would have flagged that.

RoseQuartzGlow · 09/10/2019 10:36

What kind of deposit would a self employed person need? My son and his partner are self employed and want to buy a flat. Family are rallying round to help with a deposit. I assumed about £50,000 between them would be enough in London. Now I’m thinking it won’t be. Neither of them are high earners ,however they pay a massive amount of rent at the moment.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 10:37

The op has hardly saved up much, just 4.5k

That's how much I'd need to top up the deposit by about 3.5%, not what I've saved.

OP posts:
PiggyPokkyFool · 09/10/2019 10:37

yes @sansou it is different when it is your own children but my point is that we can only do all this because my GM helped us onto that first rung and then a friend eased our way again for the second(and for us final) rung on that ladder.
It changed everything for us. I also appreciate times are now more volatile but it would make me very sad if a family member or close friend needed help and didn't ask me. We have paid it forward many times and always got the money back.

dontgobaconmyheart · 09/10/2019 10:37

I think you're right to wait OP, sadly. I realise you did not come for financial advice but if you are short on money there are several pitfalls here. Your rent may be cheaper than the proposed mortgage on first glance but don't forget to account for raised Bill's if the owned property is larger than your rental, building maintenance and insurance isn't cheap
(especially in the likelihood of something even very minor turning up on a survey that will raise it), nor is any mortgage protection insurance you would sensibly want to take out and this is before the unknown mortgage amount when your fixed rate ends.

I wouldn't feel comfortable doing my own conveyancing as a private individual as there is no negligence insurance for you if you do. The saving is a few hundred pounds so not worth that IMO. Hopefully you are referring to a family business or similar who are doing the conveyancing but fee waiving.

Also as I'm sure you are aware your lender will need to be a lender that accepts gifted deposits and your Grandparents will need to provide a number of documents to the lender including (usually) solicitor verified ID, proof of address, letter of permission/declaration of gift and 6 months financial statements to show their historical ownership of the amount they are gifting. It's quite an ask and I felt beyond awful when my partners DF had to stress out trying to source all this/visit a solicitor to verify ID etc. Money laundering regulations are no joke and the issue is somewhat convoluted by you doing your own conveyancing.

AmIThough · 09/10/2019 10:38

@TatianaLarina ok love, you've clearly been through this with older relatives then, yes?

Because I have older relatives who've had carers. I've been through it all with social services, solicitors, etc.

But you know everything so I won't bother anymore 👍🏻

sansou · 09/10/2019 10:38

If you were my DC requesting this amount, I would actually say "No" for the same reasons I've espoused above. Not that I think my DC would ask me in the future - I like to think that I have brought them up to be less self entitled. It's 4.5K. Have you tried lowering your offer and using a 0% credit card?

Imo, the economy is worsening regardless of Brexit & fixed rates. I would be wary of overcommiting myself financially right now especially if I was SE.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 10:39

I wouldn't feel comfortable doing my own conveyancing as a private individual

I wouldn't be. A solicitor in the firm I work for would be. They offer free services for staff.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 09/10/2019 10:40

you've clearly been through this with older relatives then, yes?

I have indeed.

MayTheLordOpen · 09/10/2019 10:41

Hi Blundering. My husband is a mortgage broker and there is actually a scheme with Halifax that allows you to "loan" the deposit from a family member. This goes into a savings account and after a period they can withdraw it. Might be worth looking at. If you need any assistance just inbox me!

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 10:41

I like to think that I have brought them up to be less self entitled

I had every intention of doing it on my own and still likely will, I'm also very uncomfortable and guilty about the thought of even considering asking. Hardly the definition of self entitled is it.

OP posts:
Biwurlu · 09/10/2019 10:46

I'm also very uncomfortable and guilty about the thought of even considering asking. Hardly the definition of self entitled is it.

The fact you're even thinking of asking is very entitled.

Support yourself and be an adult.

Dreamscomingtrue · 09/10/2019 10:46

I’m helping out family members with a deposit to buy a house and a flat. (I’ve downsized because my house was too big for me). I’m not expecting to get it back. I want to see them happy and enjoying life now, not when I’m dead, when they’ll get it eventually.

I’ll do it for my grandchildren too, if I’m still alive then. As others have said you can ask and pay it back. I don’t see the problem at all. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind helping you and can say no if they’re not happy to lend you it.

Teddybear45 · 09/10/2019 10:47

You need to borrow just 4.5? Really? How can you even think about buying a house when such a small amount results in you needing to beg for money from relatives? Honestly I think you need to reconsider buying at this stage. Neither you nor your DP are in any financial state to add to your liabilities. All it would take is an interest rate hike and you will be bankrupt.

Pitterpatterpettysteps · 09/10/2019 10:48

I think it's fine, ask them

needmoresleep1 · 09/10/2019 10:51

Definitely ask them! Worst case scenario they say no! I bet they'd love to help you guys out! Ignore the negative Nancy's

Oakmaiden · 09/10/2019 10:51

Of course, by the time the sale goes through it may be that you will have saved up a bit more...

I would ask. Just be very clear to them, when you do, that you KNOW it is a big ask and won't be offended in the slightest if they say no.

No-one in real life would think badly of you for asking, as long as you are doing it politely and with the expectation of being turned down. And in real life families like to support one another when they can, rather than making people "stand on their own two feet" and do without.

I don't understand the people on MN sometimes...

OliveOwl · 09/10/2019 10:52

What lemmeun said. I think it’s absolutely fine to ask in these circumstances.

I would however be wary about buying just now, as prices are falling in a lot of the country.

OliveOwl · 09/10/2019 10:53

What lemmein said, sorry.