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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever okay to ask for money?

208 replies

BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 08:57

Looking to buy first house but as DH is self employed is proving difficult.

He doesn't have a full 2 years accounts yet (April next year) but our broker told us that wouldn't be a problem if we could get an accountant to confirm we were set to make same/more than last year which we did.

It's now transpired that the lender who would accept the above won't do so without a 10% deposit, we only have just over 5 which we were also told would be okay.

As we'd received a decision in principle from the broker we'd already put an offer in on a house that we absolutely love and to be honest I'm absolutely gutted now that we can't proceed.

I have some relatives who I am close to that are quite well off. Is it unreasonable to ask to borrow the remainder of the 10% deposit so we can go ahead? Really we could just wait until April and wouldn't have to borrow anything at all and could likely have saved enough for a 10% by then as well.

I think they would say yes to be honest but it's my own conscience stopping me. I feel awful asking for handouts when really it's only because I really want something rather than need it.

I have anxiety which I'm on medication for so I tend to over think things a lot which means I can't often tell if I'm right or wrong in my caution.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 11:27

just unable to buy a house

Yes I understand that. I still find the posts about how I've ONLY managed to save X or how it's JUST X amount of money, rather snobbish.

OP posts:
paige789 · 09/10/2019 11:28

I personally would never ask x

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/10/2019 11:29

I'd ask. In my family it's understood that anything well off older relatives can do to help the younger generation on their way is perfectly legit. Home ownership is a significant step up and a good thing from your family's POV. It's not like asking to borrow money for a holiday.

My DF says that his parents helped him out, so he helps his DC out and we, in turn, will do the same for our DC. It's a system that pays forward. Does that idea apply in your family?

You know your relationship with your DGPs and how they're likely to react. But if I was close to mine I think I'd ask.

rainingallday · 09/10/2019 11:29

@sansou

House prices are NOT going up. Another year of saving/accounts and you will be obligated to no-one. There will always be another house...and most probably cheaper /better.

Borrowing money from friends/family has a horrible potential to sour relationships. It would take a lot for me to even ask money from my own parents(who are well off) and I'm an only child with a decent relationship with them.

This. ^

@TatianaLarina

Only on Mumsnet is it OK for the older generation to greedily hold onto money and property acquired when times were good, whilst the younger generation struggle to survive.

Only on MN would people think that they’re greedily entitled to money the older generation have earned themselves.

Agree with Tatiana. There are some horrible attitudes on here towards older people/baby boomers. Yes they had it good, with their jobs for life, their cheap house prices, their free uni education, an endowment mortgage payout, and their gold-plated 'final salary' pensions.

Be bitter and angry by all means, but don't blame them.

If the opportunity arose now, to have a basic admin job that pays £60-70K a year, to buy a 3 bed detached home for £35K, to do a uni degree with free tuition fees, and to retire at 55 with a final salary pension, and a chance get an endowment mortgage payout etc; you would ALL jump at the chance. Don't lie coz you WOULD.

No WAY could the baby boomers have known that life would be so shit for many people born in the mid 1960s and onwards. And I am pretty sure it's not because of the boomers anyway. If you're going to blame anyone, blame the Government and the BANKS - not the boomers.

And I am not a boomer by the way, I am Generation X, I didn't go to uni as I was pushed out (by my parents) to work in a factory, I was not even allowed to take A levels as I was in an average class, and I have not got a brilliant private pension.. Just an OK one, and the state one I am entitled to. I will also be working til nearly 70, and not retiring at 50-55 like some boomers I know did. I don't resent them. I wish I had had the same opportunities, but I don't resent THEM for it

And if the older generation can swing a bit of cash over to the younger ones, then great, but they don't HAVE to, and the young should not expect it.

Maybe these boomers want to enjoy the money themselves. Many people worked hard so they could have a life of luxury once they got to the age of 55. Why should they dish it out to the younger generation, who have often made very little effort to save anything themselves?

@BlunderingIdiot

I would leave it, and wait til next Spring. As a pp has said, there will be other houses, and probably cheaper, and you will get a better mortgage rate with another 6 months accounts (and savings.)

timshelthechoice · 09/10/2019 11:32

Well, I agree it's not on to knock you about how much you've saved but the bottom line is that you cannot afford to buy a house.

JavaQ · 09/10/2019 11:34

YABU.
No. Don't ask.
Have some self-respect and earn it yourself. Or buy somewhere smaller.
Suck it up and stop whining.

Teddybear45 · 09/10/2019 11:35

When you’re buying a house worth hundreds of thousands of pounds but don’t have 4.5k then yes it’s a bit ridiculous. You need to live within your means and if that means not buying your ‘dream home’ and making do with a cheaper property then that’s better than begging money from relatives and then realising a year or two down the line that you couldn’t afford it in the first place.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 11:37

Suck it up and stop whining

I'm not whining Hmm and I've said multiple times already that I will wait until April because I agree with people's points. Maybe read the thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 11:40

When you’re buying a house worth hundreds of thousands of pounds but don’t have 4.5k then yes it’s a bit ridiculous

And what about all the first time buyers who get the whole deposit gifted to them like I deal with day in day out at work? And like some posters on this thread? Do you know realise how common it is?

I'm not saying I should be gifted anything by the way I'm just saying it isn't ridiculous. Plenty of buyers get help these days because they don't have shit loads of money lying around. They can still afford to pay their mortgage and it's not embarrassing.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 09/10/2019 11:40

It makes it really sink in. The haves, like you who have rich relatives you can beg off whenever you need it, and have nots like me who had to work hard for every penny I ever earned. Wow. I can’t believe that there is seriously someone here moaning about not being able to top up 4.5k on a house purchase and trying to find the easiest option out, when the clear answer is to either find a cheaper property or wait until your DP’s business is financially viable.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 11:40

Do you not realise*

OP posts:
Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 11:41

whenever you need it

I've never borrowed anything off them in my life.

You sound quite bitter... I'm not begging. I considered asking. Asked opinions, got them and agreed not to.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 09/10/2019 11:45

Of course I’m bitter. Anyone who has worked and supported themselves and their families would be to read this rubbish

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 09/10/2019 11:47

Teddy, you can't get pissy with everyone who happens to have the advantage of something you don't in life. Not OP necessarily but as they said there are a lot of people who get help onto the ladder these days. It's not their fault that their families helped them.

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 09/10/2019 11:48

It's not their fault that their families helped them

Could afford to I mean.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/10/2019 11:50

I have gone without food, heating and more in the past. I would hate equally to be asked for money for anything.

So you'd rather someone else went without food and heating rather than lend them money? Nice.

Have some self-respect and earn it yourself. Or buy somewhere smaller. Suck it up and stop whining.

I can't believe the amount of bitter posters on MN. I'm sure some people trawl the posts looking for ways to be downright nasty.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/10/2019 11:52

Of course I’m bitter. Anyone who has worked and supported themselves and their families would be to read this rubbish

You do realise it's not mutually exclusive? It's possible to work and receive help.

dad2hen · 09/10/2019 11:54

BRB telling my parents they did a bad job giving me money to help buy my first house as they wanted to release some inheritance now rather than getting taxed on it. How dare they.

hyperkatinka · 09/10/2019 11:56

I find Mumsnet posters really mean about anyone asking for help re money, especially as you say you have anxiety issues @BlunderingIdiot - I'd ask, I have had a bit of help both times I've moved and it has been a bit of a stretch both times. I'm going to help my children/gc if I can when their time comes.

Nobody knows what's going to happen with the property market, it was the same 3 years ago when we took a leap and things carried on going up so if we'd waited we'd have paid more. We decided we were happy to be 'stuck' in the place for 10 years if prices decline and we're still facing that and happy to be so. You're only stuck if you have to move for some reason.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 11:58

Why not chat about the situation with your GPs next time you see them and see if they offer? If they don't, I wouldn't ask...

raspberryk · 09/10/2019 11:59

To be fair the OP is full of contradiction, proud of themselves as it's not a cheap area, but if 3.5% of the house is 4.5k then the whole house is only 128500, that must be half the national average? And they've only managed to save 7.5% - 9.5k? But could easily pay grandparents back the 4.5k soon.
Doesn't make sense.

OP you can't afford this, where's your legal fees? Survey money? Mortgage product fee? Removals, Miscellaneous costs that crop up and the first mortgage payment which is always more than a months worth ours was almost double...

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 11:59

Anyone who has worked and supported themselves and their families

I work and support my family, thank you.

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 09/10/2019 11:59

Dear me, the abuse on this thread is past relief.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 09/10/2019 12:01

I reckon you may get a better deal if you wait until April anyway so I’m on Team do it on your own! I don’t think this house is for you. There will be others trust me.

Btw I don’t think you were being entitled. It was just a possible option that on retrospect wasn’t such a good idea.

letsjog · 09/10/2019 12:02

@BlunderingIdiot honestly OP if you know they're not exactly going to miss the cash then I would ask, but also outline a clear repayment plan (write it down and show them you're planning on paying back x per month) and make it clear you are not looking for a handout.

Explain to them you didn't want to ask but you have found your dream house and would like to not miss out on it.

Repay them whatever amount you would have needed to put aside each month to get the 10% together and that way you can tell them they will be repaid by April.