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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever okay to ask for money?

208 replies

BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 08:57

Looking to buy first house but as DH is self employed is proving difficult.

He doesn't have a full 2 years accounts yet (April next year) but our broker told us that wouldn't be a problem if we could get an accountant to confirm we were set to make same/more than last year which we did.

It's now transpired that the lender who would accept the above won't do so without a 10% deposit, we only have just over 5 which we were also told would be okay.

As we'd received a decision in principle from the broker we'd already put an offer in on a house that we absolutely love and to be honest I'm absolutely gutted now that we can't proceed.

I have some relatives who I am close to that are quite well off. Is it unreasonable to ask to borrow the remainder of the 10% deposit so we can go ahead? Really we could just wait until April and wouldn't have to borrow anything at all and could likely have saved enough for a 10% by then as well.

I think they would say yes to be honest but it's my own conscience stopping me. I feel awful asking for handouts when really it's only because I really want something rather than need it.

I have anxiety which I'm on medication for so I tend to over think things a lot which means I can't often tell if I'm right or wrong in my caution.

AIBU?

OP posts:
stupidboyman · 09/10/2019 10:53

Just ask. They don't have to say yes. Aged 35 I borrowed £10k off my mum as that's what we were short on our house purchase. I had a £150k deposit. It's normal. She was delighted to help and had me in the bank that afternoon.

Oakmaiden · 09/10/2019 10:53

How can you even think about buying a house when such a small amount results in you needing to beg for money from relatives?

Yeah. If you can't put your hand in your pocket and whip out 5 grand just like that then you are clearly feckless ingrates and don't deserve to own your own property.

I clearly live on a different planet to most of you.

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 09/10/2019 10:54

You need to borrow just 4.5? Really? How can you even think about buying a house when such a small amount results in you needing to beg for money from relatives?

Oh give over. It must be nice if you consider it just £4.5k. Hell, a lot of first time buyers don't have any deposit at all and get the whole thing gifted.

I think people are being very unrealistic as to how hard it is for young people these days to actually get on the ladder especially when renting as well.

Get in the real world, not everyone has piles of savings in the bank. Hardly anyone would own a house if you had to!

ffswhatnext · 09/10/2019 10:55

You know how your relationship is with your gp's, Some would lend others wouldn't.

I know it's difficult to talk about cash. Do they know you have been hunting for a long time and why? If they do this is your way to bring it up with a little bit less awkwardness.

If you think they would then ask and make it abundantly clear that you will payback.

Another route to go down would be if you have something of equal value that they could hold onto until you repaid? Or sell if you if can to someone.

BatshitBertha · 09/10/2019 10:56

They must know you are saving to buy? If they haven't offered financial help on their own accord I wouldn't be asking, if they willingly wanted to give you money they already would have. I think you'll be putting them in a difficult position if you ask.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 10:57

You need to borrow just 4.5? Really?

God it must be nice to live in your world.

OP posts:
ButtonMoonLoon · 09/10/2019 10:57

Can you not do a money transfer from a 0% interest credit card?
I did this when I bought my car a few years ago. I borrowed £5k from MBNA over 3 years on 0% and it cost me a one off fee of £130, by overpaying it each month it’ll be paid off soon.
It was SO much better a deal than the car finance company could offer.
I’d rather do that than borrow money from someone I know.

FantasticButtocks · 09/10/2019 10:57

I think it would be fine to just say to your grandparents 'we are trying to buy this house we really like, but because of the timings would need to wait until April until it's possible by which time the house might have gone - we are £4.5k short - completely understand if you can't, but is there any way you would consider lending that amount to us for x amount of time?' If they can't or don't want to they can say so.

EssentialHummus · 09/10/2019 10:59

button you need to disclose all sources of funds to lenders (and they'll find these on a credit check anyway), plus taking on more debt reduces your borrowing capacity because its another outgoing each month.

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 11:00

Yes I won't be doing the credit card. I've never had a credit card and never want one if I can help it. Plus as someone said, it would affect borrowing capacity anyway.

OP posts:
Straycatstrut · 09/10/2019 11:01

Everyone I know with a mortgage has had a hefty cash gift from parents, or inheritence. That's with two adults working full time too. They're so much better off owning houses, I really envy them.

I'm a single parent and there's no way I could ever get a mortgage without a lot of help (I don't have the luxury). Renting absolutely cripples me and I'm dreading christmas because of it.

dad2hen · 09/10/2019 11:03

Depends how close you are I guess, you don't want to push anyone away by rubbing them up the wrong way.

My parents are very well off and gave me and my partner money for our first house on basis of we will double what you save, I appreciate it and I never ask them for money but I don't particularly feel guilty about it they've brought us up to never rely on them for money and I was working in pub kitchens at 13 and never been out of employment since.. I am always there for them and would help them with anything, my sister has asked them if they'd do the same for her recently and they said they're happy to help, not sure if its different as it's our parents. And I wouldn't of accepted it if I knew they couldn't afford it.

My mums brothers are also very wealthy, I probably wouldn't ask them for money but that's only because they both have 3 children younger than me and I've never been desperate enough to need to.

If you're sure they wouldn't take it badly and you draw out some sort of plan and you 100% know you can pay it back I would honestly give you the advice of don't ask don't get.

Seren10 · 09/10/2019 11:08

Not sure why you are getting such a hard time on here OP.

I would absolutely ask your Grandparents - there is no shame in asking for help. The worst case is that they say no, and you are no worse off than you are now.

To the posters saying that baby boomers have it easy - ummm are you kidding? I went to a grammar school in an affluent area, with most of my school friends going onto study for their degrees. A lot of my school friends had a leg up, and went on to gain great careers, earning good money but STILL struggle to secure a deposit and a mortgage on a house without help from their parents.

Lenders do not want to lend in this climate, the hoops that I had to jump through to secure my mortgage were ridiculous, and that's WITH a large deposit gifted from my very generous parents.

timshelthechoice · 09/10/2019 11:12

Against the grain but no, I don't think it's ever okay.

Biwurlu · 09/10/2019 11:14

4.5k is nothing compared to what you might need if something goes wrong with the house.

New boilers and new roofs aren't cheap!

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 11:16

So no one should buy a house unless they have enough in savings to get a new roof done?

Honestly I think you're deluded if you really believe most home owners have tonnes of spare cash lying around.

I've taken the point on board about the loan and will be waiting until April but I still think you're being very unrealistic about the majority of buyers!

OP posts:
SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 09/10/2019 11:16

I think you should ask. They are your grandparents for goodness sake! Have you spoken to your parents about it and do they think you should ask? Anyway - if I had GCs and money not being used then I would LOVE to help them get on the property ladder. You are only asking for the loan for a few months anyway.

If they lent another family member money for a car - I think they would think that a loan towards a first house purchase would be even more important. Just ask.

sansou · 09/10/2019 11:18

Trust your own instincts, OP. Don’t do it!

It’s not keeping the wolves from the door scenario. You say that you can save the £4.5k over the next 6mths so do that. If you lose the property, there is ALWAYS another one and most likely, a blessing in disguise. I don’t believe house prices are going up. If anything, our economy/the global economy will be tanking....

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 09/10/2019 11:18

I would if it was a rich family member I was close too. Similarly I’d be very upset if a family member who I was close to didn’t feel that they could come to me when they needed money.

SunshineAngel · 09/10/2019 11:19

I know that if it was my grandparents, and they ever found out I had waited for so long because I was that amount short, they would be disappointed that I hadn't asked them. They also would never expect it back (which tbh is mostly why I never ask, as that makes me feel bad).

Just ask them. They will most likely want to help you :). And as you say, your rent was costing you more than your mortgage will, so it should be easy enough to get the money back to them.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/10/2019 11:21

It's embarrassing as an adult not supporting yourself imo.

MIL gave us money towards a deposit. Do I feel embarrassed? Not at all.

There are some horrible comments on here, it must be lovely to live a perfect life like some people. I have minimal savings so according to some people I shouldn't own a house!

cingolimama · 09/10/2019 11:24

OP, you've been given a very hard time here, which I think is awful. I genuinely don't know what the issue is. Of course you should ask. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? My sense is that you would lend the money if you had it and someone in your family didn't.

Personally, DH and I have borrowed money from family a long time ago. Paid it back in full, no problem. We've since lent money to five family members for various things - mostly paid back, again no problem. What is the good of having a little money, if not to spread it around a little to those who might need it more than you?

Good luck, OP!

Original poster
BlunderingIdiot · 09/10/2019 11:25

it must be lovely to live a perfect life like some people

Yes, seems some posters don't really know what it's like to not consider it just £4,500!

I thought I was doing alright managing to save what I have whilst paying a high rent and bills that I've never missed once but apparently unless I'm able to replace a roof at the click of my fingers I'm doing rather embarrassingly!

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 09/10/2019 11:26

You are supporting yourself, just unable to buy a house.

Cryalot2 · 09/10/2019 11:26

I would never ask regardless of circumstances. I have gone without food, heating and more in the past.
I would hate equally to be asked for money for anything.
If I as much as borrow £5 from dh I always pay it back promptly..
But it is your decision and only you can do what is comfortable with you.

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