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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

764 replies

Xitt · 20/09/2019 00:51

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 20/09/2019 00:54

Wow! He sounds like a dick. No, the money is for you. Spend it on yourself.

Mintypea5 · 20/09/2019 00:54

If the situation was reversed and he was the one being gifted money would you see it as his to spend or family money? In the past (if it's happened) has he put similar gifts into the family pot?

HerRoyalNotness · 20/09/2019 00:58

Your DH is a bit of a dick!! It’s a gift from your father for a specific purpose, as you said. And also to help you retrain, I wonder if he is trying to ‘keep you in your place’. Only you’d know that.

I’d be very angry at him for thinking he has say over it.

MADASANOWL · 20/09/2019 00:59

Have you considered explaining to him that using this money in a way which will boost your self esteem and help you qualify for better paid jobs in the future may be better for your family long term?
Also it might be worth pointing out that if it is being gifted to you for a specific reason then it’s pointless him arguing as you may not even receive it otherwise!

LoreleiRock · 20/09/2019 01:05

Retraining would be money well spent. Will the stomach not get any better? Did you have a caesarean?

Neveam · 20/09/2019 01:07

No its not to be shared with DH as DF is using it to pay for a surgery for you as its what you want.
If DF wasnt paying for surgery/retraining would he give you the same amount of money for no reason?

DH sounds like a dick.

nzeire · 20/09/2019 01:09

You have been gifted money for a specific purpose. End of.

123space · 20/09/2019 01:11

Well he's a fucking dick isn't he. Does he give a shit that after carrying his babies you're left with a physical problem that causes you pain? What does have against you retraining?

Sounds like he just wants to stop you feeling better or achieving anything.

lyralalala · 20/09/2019 01:13

In that circumstance I'd see it as your DF giving you the op rather than the cash. You can't use money given to you for one thing to spend on another

I'm big on family money, but this isn't a gift that you have decided to spent on that. It's a gift of money for that. Very different thing.

Original poster
Xitt · 20/09/2019 01:13

In the past (if it's happened) has he put similar gifts into the family pot?
He’s never had any similar gifts. He has had bonuses from work that went into the family pot. And his salary goes into the family pot too. I can totally see how he’s shared his money then I’m receiving money and spending it all on myself.

I’ve tried saying “ok it’s OUR money and WE are investing it in me retraining to return to work to benefit both of us”. But he’s having none of it, he still sees it as spending the money on myself without him having any say in the matter.

Will the stomach not get any better? Did you have a caesarean?
Yes I needed an EMCS. But the damage is mostly from carrying a 98th percentile baby then losing four stone. DS is nearly two so it isn’t going to get any better.

OP posts:
MissPepper8 · 20/09/2019 01:13

Your DF has offered to pay for a specific thing for you, it's a gift, an incredibly generous thing he's doing for his daughter.

Your husband is being really spiteful on this, it's not like your DF is handing you the money in general and you've just decided what you're spending it on!

Might be easier if your DF just comes to the appointment and pays, not gives you the money in hand to avoid your husbands greedy eyes.

Rachelover60 · 20/09/2019 01:21

Your dad wants to give you money for an op and retraining, not to be divided equally and spent how your husband wants to. Tell him if you don't intend to use the money for the original intended purchase, you won't get it!

When you are re trained and earning, you'll be paying into the family pot and both you and husband will be better off.

I can't help thinking your old man is a bit of a jealous child. He needs to get over himself and be glad for you.

HappyBumbleBee · 20/09/2019 01:21

Your friend has offered to "pay" for something, he's not giving you a sum of money to do with what you want so it's not money actually coming into the house.
That said, maybe your hubby's problem is because this is a male friend offering to pay?
How would you feel if a female friend offered to pay for your hubby to have sat a noise job and retrain so he could change careers?
I can see both sides tbh op x

HappyBumbleBee · 20/09/2019 01:22

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sonypony · 20/09/2019 01:23

In this circumstance (your DF has agreed to pay for a specific gift rather than a 'do what you like with this gift of money) it's to be spent on the gift not shared. As you wouldn't be getting the money if it weren't to be spent on this, so the 'money' isn't available to be spent on anything else. Ask your DF to pay directly to the company. This would be like DH asking your DF for a gift receipt for a scarf he gets you for Christmas then returning it to the shop and giving you half the money. If it was a no strings gift of money not for a birthday/christmas present I would agree with your DH.

MorganKitten · 20/09/2019 01:24

If this was the other way around everyone would be saying he should share it.

Original poster
Xitt · 20/09/2019 01:27

If DF wasnt paying for surgery/retraining would he give you the same amount of money for no reason?
Yes. He’s offered a specific amount with a suggestion that it would cover what I need to get my life back and stop crying all the time. I imagine he’d be furious if I bought a designer handbag or a holiday but don’t think he’d care about the specifics as long as it was spent on fixing my life somehow.

OP posts:
TheTeenageYears · 20/09/2019 01:27

It's probably a bit too late to rewind but if your DF had offered you a very generous birthday present of surgery this year and retraining next year do you think the optics would have been any different for your DH? Even if it's multiple times what your DF would ever usually spend on a gift for you it might just be easier for your DH to get his head around.

If you were gifted the money and just spent on irrelevant treats for yourself and it was just frittered away I could sort of understand your DH's issue but at the end of the day your DF is generously offering to pay for something which will have a huge impact on your life physically and mentally. I don't want to be overly dramatic but do you think your DH might want to keep you in your current 'box' where you are unhappy with your body and prospects for the future? That would suit some men down to the ground!

Durgasarrow · 20/09/2019 01:28

You created his children in your fucking body. Why is he not kissing the ground you walk on.

HappyBumbleBee · 20/09/2019 01:30

Ok, I'm going to try again to cover if DF is your father OP
If he's offering to pay, he's not "giving" you the money to do with what you want then your hubby needs to realise it's not money coming into the joint household as such - not like say an inheritance or an envelope with a wad of cash in it to spend how you like!

My mistake has made me chuckle - sorry op x

MeganTheVegan · 20/09/2019 01:34

That is very kind of your DF and the things you plan to spend it on (tummy tuck & training) is very worthwhile.

Tell your DH to fuck off.

MeganTheVegan · 20/09/2019 01:36

If this was the other way around everyone would be saying he should share it.

That rather depends. Her DF is giving it to her for a specific purpose. It's not just an inheritence that's fallen into her lap and she plans to spend it on designer handbags and rubbish.

dontgobaconmyheart · 20/09/2019 01:44

It's not a windfall is it though, it's a gift for a stated purpose reflecting your DF'd vested interest in the happiness of you, his daughter. Your DH is being grabby and somewhat unaffected by something that obviously causes you a problem which is very disappointing, what exactly does your DH find a larger priority than your wellbeing? I suspect his suggestions might make him look a bit of a dick.

I'd tell him DF is going via a solicitor to make it an official 'gift' for that purpose into your sole bank account, like when you do gift declarations when doing mortgage applications if it's a third parties gift, see if that shuts him up.

If it didn't I'd have DF transfer it to me personally anyway and just book in OP. Not sure it's your husbands place to decide what you can do cando with your body and your DF can do with his money. It's not like you're buying a bloody watch with it.

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/09/2019 01:49

You aren't being 'gifted money', your DF is paying for two specific things, the op and the retraining.

If your DF had offered to buy you a car you needed and a new computer, would your DH suggest you sold those and purchased other things?

(If DF is offering to give you money to put in your bank to spend on whatever you need, I would ask him to pay the surgeon and the retraining fees directly rather than give money to you, solving the issue in one way!)

AngelsOnHigh · 20/09/2019 01:49

Your DF isn't giving you an inheritance. He's paying for a medical procedure that is needed. You're not doing it for vanity reasons, you're having it done for medical reasons.

If your DH can't understand this, then he needs to be told to f off.

Is he a bit worried that you will fly higher than him when you have had your procedure and retrained?

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