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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

764 replies

Xitt · 20/09/2019 00:51

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

OP posts:
BasilTheGreat · 20/09/2019 05:30

Ask your dad to fund the surgery directly so the bill goes to his house.

Savingforarainyday · 20/09/2019 05:34

Is your father worried about your prospects IF your marriage fails?

Is your DH worried that you would have prospects if you retrain, and won't be dependent?

Frankly, I find your DH's lack of kindness toward you worrying. Surely he would be happy on your behalf that your father is helping you out?

Trebla · 20/09/2019 05:35

So you need something but cant afford it, so your dad is offering to pay for it so you can have it.

Sounds like your dh is jealous that your dad gives you things. I'm guessing he doesnt have a similar relationship/opportunity with his family. Also sounds like he doesnt see the value in what you've been offered and feels that if that amount of money is available there are "better" things it could be spent on.

Sounds like he is jealous and has different priorities l.

ColaFreezePop · 20/09/2019 05:36

The easiest way to stop the argument is that your DF actually pays the bills for the op and your retraining. Then no money has changed hands and no money ever reaches your bank account.

There will be issues if there are problems with either as your DF will have to sign letters with you, but it means your husband isn't involved.

LellyMcKelly · 20/09/2019 05:36

OP, you said your DF is giving you this money because seeing you crying is breaking his heart. Honey, if you have depression then a tummy tuck and retraining aren’t going to fix that, and indeed depression might make it much harder to succeed at retraining. I can completely understand your DH’s point of view. He’s the sole breadwinner. If he loses his job you’re stuffed, so paying off the mortgage would make you as a family more secure. First thing I’d do in your shoes is go to your GP and get the depression sorted, and then decide about the tummy tuck and retraining.

Savingforarainyday · 20/09/2019 05:36

I just clocked the weight loss bit...

Has your DH been supportive and happy for you? Or has it made him insecure?

Scrumptiousbears · 20/09/2019 05:39

This is a difficult one. DH works and puts everything into the family pot. OP gets lovely offerings from her DF when she wants stuff. Car, cosmetic surgery, retraining. Clearly it isn't going to stop there. DF likes to pay for stuff for his daughter but is making it specific so it can't be shared. I can absolutely see why DH is miffed.

CatteStreet · 20/09/2019 05:39

On the face of it, your dh is being completely U. Certainly about the tummy tuck, which sounds as if it is more than a cosmetic issue.

What do you want to retrain in? I think that's material here. Is it something that will make a robust contribution to your earning power within a reasonable frame of time? If it's something that's more of a 'luxury' and won't substantially increase your earning power in the mid- to long term, I could understand him feeling a bit resentful about it. But even then, this still isn't a 'that money is to be shared' situation. Instead, it would be a prompt for you both to work out together how the family budget might meet a need/want of his.

Henrysmycat · 20/09/2019 05:41

@BasilTheGreat is right.
Move the goalpost in a sense. Ask your dad to pay directly for the surgery and then find what you want to do and ask him to pay the training/study fees.
Consider it a very very fancy birthday present abd be done with it.
But I think, you need to dig deeper why your husband reacts like that to your future betterment.

NearlyGranny · 20/09/2019 05:43

How couples sort out their money is up to them. The 50% split of assets only really applies if you're divorcing!

Of course arrangements can change and assumptions can just grow until something like this crops up to challenge them.

As a SAHM you're always vulnerable if your DH decides to get a bit controlling. This could apply just as easily the other way round of course, it's just that there are more SAHMs than SAHDs.

I wonder if your DH likes being the one in control of finances because it makes him feel powerful, and your DF's gifts threaten that? Or does he see the gifts as a silent reproach that he hasn't provided these things for you himself? I can't think of any other reason he'd not be delighted for you.

Is he controlling in other ways, such as demanding to know how you spend every moment of your time or to know where you are at all times?

With the loss of 4 stone (well done!) you have quite likely changed the dynamic of the relationship, turning yourself into someone a jealous partner would feel less secure about. Is he that jealous person? Did the gift of the car make it harder for him to keep tabs on you?

How did the car change your life and was your DH happy about the change or grudging?

Bottom line: DH IBVU to demand control of how your DF's gift to you is spent. You are perfectly entitled to financial autonomy. The married women's property act was passed on 1886, I believe!

Something is making you very unhappy if you're crying all the time and that needs addressing, as money won't fix it. I can't help wondering whether your DH and his attitudes are the cause.

BertieBotts · 20/09/2019 05:44

I think your dad sees your husband not looking after you and feels angry about that, so does it himself. Your husband is correctly interpreting these gestures and feeling threatened.

Your father is not the one in the wrong here

AlexaAmbidextra · 20/09/2019 05:46

If your father is just gifting you money, then yes its legally half your husbands. The car, might have been bought for you, but you are married.

No it isn’t. Legally it’s nothing if the sort. Being married doesn’t mean that you can’t own things in your own right.

GPatz · 20/09/2019 05:53

I think the retraining is a great idea as you would then be able to contribute to the joint finances.

Shoxfordian · 20/09/2019 05:55

Your husband sounds like a prize winning knob. The damage caused to your body by carrying his child is something he should want you to recover from. He should want the best for you.

Spend the money on the operation and the rest on a divorce from this knob

HuntIdeas · 20/09/2019 05:58

Is your DH concerned about money and making sure there are enough savings to cover any emergencies? It can be a big responsibility being the only breadwinner. It must be frustrating putting everything into the pot (incl bonus) and you not contributing (or even talking to him) when you have an opportunity

Can’t you get the mini-tuck, then discuss with him how best to use the remaining? When were you planning to go back to work? Will retraining delay this?

Pinkyyy · 20/09/2019 05:58

Wow. I couldn't stay with such a selfish cunt.

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 20/09/2019 06:01

I agree with the most recent posters that yes, the money is definitely yours for a specific purpose and your DH is being an arse. However, it’s likely that him being the work horse and providing for his family with joint money while you keep ‘your’ car and gifts to yourself has irritated him. If my DH’s father bought him a car, I would very much consider it ours. It’s a marital asset. If he kept telling me it was his, it would irritate me. It’s just so childish. Your illogical position has to some extent fueled his.

As pp suggested, your father should make it clear he is paying for surgery and retraining, not a lump sum off the mortgage.

Coyoacan · 20/09/2019 06:14

DH works and puts everything into the family pot

Oh yes and I'm sure the OP is just lying back, letting her toddler get up to whatever he wants to, waiting for DH to come home, make the dinner for her and put the toddler to bed.

This makes me so angry. People are saying that being a SAHP is of no use at all to the family unit, only waged work is of value. Grrr!

Anothernotherone · 20/09/2019 06:17

I agree with the people saying that you should ask your dad if he'd be willing to have the bills for surgery and retraining sent directly to him and pay them, rather than transfering a sum of money to you.

If your father had said "I've decided to sell the old family home and downsize and I'd like to give you and your sibling a share of the profit now as a gift" then your husband would be right to expect that to go into the family pot.

What's actually happened is different and your dad wants to try to help his daughter feel less miserable, it's not a gift of money but a dad trying to solve his daughter's problems with money (whether or not that's realistic is another question...)

Quite how unreasonable your husband is being depends a bit on whether he's saying that he wants half the money "on principle" to spend on whatever he chooses, blocking you from using the money for the purpose your father intends just as a power play, or whether you're jointly struggling day to day and he sees plastic surgery and retraining as mad luxuries when you can barely cover your mortgage with enough left for bills and cheap food each month jointly/ with his salary. Plastic surgery is a massive luxury (a lot of us have had multiple big babies and our bodies are very different - I am unimpressed by how society colludes to minimise the impact on women of pregnancy and birth but never considered plastic surgery) and if money is tight I understand why that might be infuriating to someone supporting the family financially without anything left over for even little luxuries like a new item of clothing or meal out each month.

It does sound as though your husband is being nasty, but context could mean he's more reasonable if you're considering plastic surgery when money is agonisingly tight or expensive retraining to do something hard to make money in like interior design, rather than something with an almost guaranteed full time job at the end of you stick it out, like nursing...

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 20/09/2019 06:18

Get your DF to pay the fees directly; to the hospital and the training establishment.
When you are back to work, then your money will go in the family pot, then your DH can stop moaning.

oatmilk4breakfast · 20/09/2019 06:19

I think before you have another conversation with your H you should decide exactly what you want re surgery and retraining (even if it’s a few weeks of decision making), write it down, get your dad to do same, if a lot of money go through solicitor if needed, explain to husband again this is what I need to get back on track for our family (not vague) and then do it. Explain that you understand his concept of family money and that’s why you want to be able to contribute. Your dad is paying for xyz specific things for you to enable your family. He’s not giving you money for anything

Pikapikachooo · 20/09/2019 06:19

What a lovely dad

The money is an investment to get you back on your feet

Tell him YOU will start repaying mortgage when back in feet

oatmilk4breakfast · 20/09/2019 06:20

Curlywurly’s post is clearer than mine! Do that! :)

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2019 06:22

The thing is once you’ve done these two things you should have a lot more confidence and be able to start adding to the family pot. Your df needs to pay directly for these things then they become gifts, not an addition to the family pot.

YobaOljazUwaque · 20/09/2019 06:25

Your DH sounds like a right knob. Financial control is a form of domestic abuse.

Your DF hasn't gifted this money to you as a couple with no strings or purpose. He is gifting it to you as an individual to be used for the specific purpose of getting your confidence and skills boosted to allow you to return to work, with you as an individual free to choose the best way to achieve this.

Financially controlling abusive arseholes want to keep their spouses unconfident, unqualified and unable to take any steps towards financial freedom.

In the event or divorce or death the law does assume that all assets are held "in common" unless there is specific paperwork saying otherwise - so for example if your DF were to die and leave all his worldly goods to you, and then subsequently you were to divorce DH, then those assets would be part of the pot of assets which were divided between the two of you, rather than being earmarked for your use separately.

However in the absence of divorce or death you have every legal right to own assets outright in your own name without reference to your DH.