Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

Basically DF said he’s worried about me and it breaks his heart to see me cry. So he wants to offer me this amount to fix myself. Get a tummy tuck. Or just a mini tuck and spend the rest on retraining. Or start a business. Whatever I need to stop crying and get on with my life.

DH has just seen £££ and heard “it’s up to you how you spend it”. So he thinks it’s our money and he should get a say. Even if it is technically our money, if I need things to repair the impact of giving birth then shouldn’t we pay for it?

If I was your father, I’d be really upset if you didn’t spend it on yourself. Money really does cause so many problems in relationships. I feel sad for you that this is even an issue.

If your DF had offered to buy you a car you needed
He did buy me a car when I was pregnant, so I didn’t have to struggle with a baby on infrequent rural buses that take excessively long routes. DH brought it up in the argument and insisted it’s our car. He thinks because we’re married he owns half of all my possessions.

Your father is wonderful.

Your husband less so. Sorry about that.

It's yours OP, so spend it in the way your father intended - for you. Don't let yourself be guilted by this - your body has borne the brunt of pregnancy and childbirth (and boy, do I know what that's like). Your husband's hasn't.

If this was the other way around everyone would be saying he should share it. I’m usually one of the first to agree with this kind of statement, but this is different.

If a woman came on here and said that “DH’s parents gave him £££ and he’s decided to spend it all on himself,” then I would absolutely say that this should be at least something which the couple discussed with regards to whether it should actually be considered family money.

But if someone posted that their DH was in a bad place both emotionally and work-wise and his parents had offered to pay for the surgery he needed and for him to retrain to better himself then no, I absolutely do not think that people would be saying “he shouldn’t be able to do that. His parents have given him money, therefore it’s family money.”

OP, so what is it your DH feels the money should be spent on then? If he agrees that it should be spent on surgery and retraining, then I suspect that he wants it to be considered that “you as a couple” paid for it because admitting that someone else paid for it means that he gets to look like an unsupportive husband.

If however he thinks that the money should be spent on other things, then clearly he’s not supportive of your need for surgery and retraining, and I’d be wondering exactly why that was.

From your update re car, I can see there is a power dynamic going on between your husband and father.i would say the car is both of yours.

You've been offered the money for specific purpose(s) and that's what you'll be using it for. End of conversation!

However, if your DH has been pouring every penny he earns (both salary and bonuses) into the communal pot, I can sort of see how he might think that this money that's "just for you" is a bit unfair.

Except it's really not, because your improved health and new career options will ultimately benefit the whole family. I'd suggest talking to him again and emphasising how this will be good for the whole family long-term.

Just food for thought - my DH also gets bonuses and he doesn't put all of it into the communal pot, he uses some of it on things he's interested in. I'm working part-time atm and I also don't put all of my salary into the joint account. We've never completely pooled our resources and I think it's easier that way.

Id say the car belongs to both of you.

I think in general if you are married it should be shared- imagine how you would feel if your DP said that his bonus was his to keep and spend-
I think with the car - it is both of yours/the family's - I am not sure what a lawyer would say on a divorce.

Re the gift from your father- this does sound different- if he just offered to paid for surgery it would be easier . What is your financial situation like otherwise? is there other stuff that you need as a family?
it would be hard to justify cosmetic surgery/retraining if for example you had massive debts. what does your DH think you should spend the money on?

You need to tell your husband if there's no tummy tuck or retraining there's no money. That's what the moneys for.

This is gifted to you from your Father, for something special to you only. full stop. !! Great Dad you have there !

DF has offered this money for a specific purpose

Tell your DH to bring it up with your DF and see what he says to him?

FFS. Your DH is so far in the wrong on this he’ll meet himself on the other side.

Look, you’re caring for your joint child. He’s earning money and you’re enabling him to earn money by SAH. Therefore you are equal - he gets money from an employer, you save the family money on childcare.

If your DH’s parents decided to gift him money for a specific reason, would that be his money to pay off the mortgage instead, despite their intentions for the gift? No! It’s his parents’ money for a purpose they chose. He can say yes or no to the gift, but it’s not his money to spend freely on something else entirely. Otherwise the offer is withdrawn!

Same same for you - accept your DF’s offer to help you for a specific purpose or refuse the gift. You (your DH) can’t accept & then spend it on your mortgage. Outrageous to even think it!

Tell your DH to back off or talk to your dad about it.

I tell you that my dad would be distinctly unimpressed!

there is no words that come to mind for what i think of your husband...looser/idiot/mean spirited don't even touch the surface.
have your dad pay the bills and not go through you.
so bills go directly to him. your "d" never gets his hands on it.
it's fabulous that your father is on your side.
please retrain as i expect as some point this man will need to be dumped.

OP, so what is it your DH feels the money should be spent on then?
Nothing specific. He just thinks it’s ours and he should have a say. If his car broke down for example then we would need to spend some of that money replacing it. Or if he needed life saving medical care that wasn’t available on the NHS then we would have to pay for it. Or maybe we should pay it off the mortgage. It’s not solely my decision how to spend it. Because when you’re married everything is shared, like my car that DF bought is technically ours. He got really angry when I said no it’s my decision how to spend it, and it’s my car too, the law allows for spouses to own gifts individually. Presumably he thinks when I eventually inherit DF’s house that’ll be half his too.

It sounds like your husband isn't providing for you and so your DF feels the need to step in.

Is this what's really bothering your husband? Is that why he's being a dick about it?

Is the reason you had no car because your family budget wouldn't cover it? Or because DH didn't think you should have one? Same with retraining. Why isn't the family money paying for that already?

Work out where you fit in terms of the family money.

The DF's money isn't family money- it's a conditional gift to be spent on something specific. What does your DF think of your DH?

In the meantime- ask DF to pay the doctor and trainers directly, then it never lands in your account and there can be no doubt what the money is for.

If your DF gives you a Christmas present, does your DH get to share it? If your PIL give your DH some money for his birthday present, do you get to help decide what to spend it on? A gift is a gift from the person giving, to the person they are giving it to, full stop.

@Xitt Tell DH it's actually your DF's money and therefore DF's decision how it is spent. He has chosen to spend it on you, his daughter, in very specific ways.

Your DH sounds like a real dick.

Well I would say that the money is for your health and retraining.

If you’re going to get picky about the car not being jointly yours then I would say any bonus from his job is up to him to split how he feels.

Dh gets a bonus although not a massive one, he does split it with me. Personally I’d rather pay off the mortgage but acknowledge that even though I organise our finances and they are jointly owned, things like his bonuses are his to have the final say on. When I inherited a couple of £k I decided what happened to it, applying the same principle.

Spend it on a divorce

Agree with everyone else. Your DF is giving you the money for surgery and re training. He did not say here is £xxx amount to spend how you want.

Do you think DH could be a little insecure? He may feel like the surgery and re training may tip the scales a bit.

I would tell him that you told your DF that you are having second thoughts about the surgery and re training and he said he will hang onto the money so.

You deserve to get the surgery for you and am sure re training would benefit the whole family.

Take care x

In order to keep the cash out of your husband's reach I would suggest your DF pays the hospital bill directly and also for the retraining course directly.

Your husband is being unreasonable here.

Next time, put the money into your bank account/ savings account and don't tell your husband.

I have been gifted money in the past and DH has never known anything about it. But he's not the type to make demands like yours.

This is an agreement between you are your father.

Good luck!

In order to stop feeling like crap you'll have to divorce the dickhead you appear to be married to.

Spend it on a divorce and enjoy your life.

These are gifts from your Dad with a specific purpose in mind. Nothing to do with DH and he gets no say. Is your father aware of what DH is trying to do here? Perhaps he should be. Maybe suggest to him that he pays for your hospital bill and retraining course directly.

Your Dad bought you a car. Presumably you are the registered keeper of the car on the DVLA records. Not your DH. It is your car. It was a gift to you. It wasn't bought for DH. If DH is on the insurance then take him off it, with an attitude like that.

What the fuck is wrong with your DH that he thinks he can horn in on a generous - and specific - gift from a dad to his daughter, and get a say in how the money is spent? Does he like to see you in physical and emotional discomfort? Why is he not busy being thrilled for you that you can now have the surgery you need to feel better? Shitty man.

Not what you asked but I would only have a TT if your not planing on having any more kids
If you are it’s a bit of a waste of time
Your DH is a dick by the way