Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

No it doesn't. Its gifted to you for a specific purpose.

You are not being gifted a pot of money to spend on whatever you like, your very generous DF has offered to pay for specific things. Presumably if you retrain you will get a better job so your DH actually will benefit from the money, just not directly right now. I would be really upset at his attitude btw, he sounds like an entitled brat, not a supportive partner.

Why not get DF to pay directly for the surgery and retraining as opposed to actually give you the money for those things

@Monkeyplanet

Why not get DF to pay directly for the surgery and retraining as opposed to actually give you the money for those things

I completely agree with you and was about to write the same thing. I can understand why your husband feels upset because any money he has, he does share. But this gift money isn’t really spending money in general, it’s for specific purposes. If it was the former, there would be some logic to your husband’s argument. However, as it’s the latter, it would be more upsetting for your father to know you frittered money away for no reason and still had the problems, that he tried to help you with, unresolved.

Even if it means, that your father will have to pay directly for the operation and then also for training, then that should hopefully put a stop to your husband’s petulance as the money won’t be directly coming to you.

On a separate note, I think it would be in your best interests to retrain.

Your DF isn't gifting you money, he's gifting you a tummy tuck. Ask your husband how he plans to have half of that? This is about your mental and physical wellbeing and your husband is being a child.

Your dh has a point on some of the things he says such as the car and any inheritance could be seen as joint money.

However this money is different as your df has said that he will give you money/pay for surgery. If there is no surgery then there is no money so there should not be any argument.

Your husband is being horrible and unsupportive and selfish. He didn’t have to carry a baby or miss work. Your dad is trying to help you. It will impact you both for the positive so he’s being awful and can’t believe he doesn’t want this for you

Wow. Have your DF handle the payment of the op himself so your DH has no access to it. He sounds super controlling - what on earth is his problem? Surely he should want to see you happy and mobile and having a great time with your kids and getting back into work. Good luck to you OP - and take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy!

inheritance is exempt from "joint money"

I don't think I've ever said this before to anyone here before, but you need to leave this man. It will only get worse. He is a terrible provider and an arsehole.

I see his logic. He puts everything he earns into the family basket, nut you keep your good fortune.

How much is a tummy tuck, 8 grand? Perhaps he can keep similar back from his bonuses for a vanity project?

On the otherhand, the money is a present, and you wouldnt expect to share presents.

If you keep crying all day, do you think a tummy tuck is going to fix your mental health issues? Cosmetic surgery often is a short term solution. Have you had counselling?

I'm in the inherited money is family money camp, but I see this situation as different. Your father is paying for an operation to improve your health. If your husband is not supportive of that, I don't think he's a very nice man.

With respect to retraining, again, your father is being very generous and helping you to develop your skills with the view to future employability, which will benefit your family. Your husband is also against this.

Is your husband generally supportive of you or does he always place your needs at the bottom of the pile? Is this a regular pattern of behaviour from him ie keeping you in your place because that is convenient for him? A genuine partner should want the best for you and improving your health and training would definitely be a step in that direction.

Your DH is an arse. People are allowed to have personal possessions in a marriage. Does he think your pants are joint possessions? What about the Christmas presents his parents buy him? Do you own them too?

I'd ask your DF to pay the bills directly as opposed to giving you the money.

Get retrained, get a great job and then LTB.

My dh is like this. Parents will offer to pay for a specific thing (eg for the kids or for my birthday).

He will object saying he'd rather have the £ to go in the family pot, {or for me to get some cheap shit thing then the rest of what they would have spent on the better thing to go into the family pot).

My parents just react to that by saying they're not giving me the £, they're giving me the thing they want to buy so it's either accept the gift or have nothing. He sulks about it but has to accept it as it is their money to use as they choose.

In the same way, I would make it clear that if you don't have the tummy procedure or do the course then your father isn't offering to give you eg £5k in cash to pay down your mortgage (even if he would). If you don't accept his kind offer of his help for those things then you don't get anything.

Just do it OP, once it's done there's no point him complaining.

Basically DF said he’s worried about me and it breaks his heart to see me cry. So he wants to offer me this amount to fix myself. Get a tummy tuck. Or just a mini tuck and spend the rest on retraining. Or start a business. Whatever I need to stop crying and get on with my life.

I don’t know why people are insisting that your father gave you this money for a specific purpose when you say clearly that it was to stop you crying and that you can spend it however you want.

This is at least the second time your father has given a large gift to make your life easier and you are insistent that the benefit of those gifts is yours alone. Meanwhile your husband has, for at least the last two years, put all his money into joint funds.

“What’s yours is ours but what’s mine is mine” is not a good dynamic for a marriage and neither is crying to your father until he makes things better for you

If this was the other way around everyone would be saying he should share it.

If her dh was given money for surgery and the op wanted to put it in the bank and deny him surgery? No. Pretty sure I wouldn't.

Your Dad is investing in your health and your future.

YOURS.

Ask DH how he'd feel if his child's partner tried to take money HE gifted to them!

Your father is giving U a present of an op and retraining.
He is not giving you money to share with your family/DH.
Your husband is BU

It seems the way round this is the bills go to DF and that way the money never comes to your account.

As it's your DF's money, it's actually not your or your "D" H's decision how it's spent, it's his. And he has chosen to give it to you for a very good reason. Your husband is being a twat.

Hmmm. I can sort of see you husband's side. He gives all his money to you and you contribute nothing financially. I guess he could see this money as a chance for you to share too.

But I also see your point of view that it's a gift for a specific purpose so it's a tough one. Are you going to get a job at the end of this training? Perhaps you could pay your dad back then it would be a loan?

Is it possible that your DF doesn't think much of your DH?

I think your dh is being unreasonable about the money.

However, I presume it's your dh thatvwill have to take time off to support your recovery? Or will your father also help there?

I kind if have some sympathy for your dh, because it seems your attitude has been that it's ok for his money to all go in the family pot. But anything you have is your own.

If your father is just gifting you money, then yes its legally half your husbands. The car, might have been bought for you, but you are married.

I cant help winder if actually, your dh is fed up with the 'what's yours is mine, and what's mins is my own' attitude you seem to have because your father, seems to have lots of surplus cash. So you want to keep everything your dad buys to yourself.

I can see how that would grate.

Agree with @ Get DF to fund a divorce.

This ungracious man resents you your Df. He resents being the provider.
He doesn’t give a shit that you carried his children and your body image issues and perhaps even your career issues are a result of carrying his children.

He’s keeping a tally of what he brings to the marriage and what you bring to the marriage and in his opinion money talks.

Your husband is a .

His money goes into the family pot because you are looking after your joint child. Being a SAHP is also a job.