Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

Ask you father to pay direct, don’t take any actual money into your bank then your husband can’t complain.

Retrain, get a job, think about your future. He’s got financial control over you atm.

He's a cunt, OP. No wonder you are depressed.

I’m with @Wiltshirelass2019 ask your father to pay directly to the surgeon to clarify he’s paying specifically for your operation not gifting money.

My Dad bought my wedding dress because our wedding budget didn't stretch to the one I had my heart set on. I can't imagine a world where DH would've said "no, that money goes in the wedding pot and you need to buy a cheaper dress"

I too have excess skin like you OP after losing almost 4 stone. DH and I generally keep separate finances but do you know what he said when I made a comment about wishing I had the money for a tummy tuck?

Let's save up.

Tell your DH to do one.

he can't demand your DF spends his money on him!

I'd worry about the resenting you re-training, does he want to keep the wee wifey at home and dependent? Is that why your DF sees it as important to do this for you? I can understand he is jealous but well he can't demand your DF spends his money on him, tell him he is a grown man and doesn't need your DF to fund him, why would one grown man fund another just because the other tells him to!?

Sorry NRWT

I don't often comment on these kind of threads but of course he is being unreasonable it's a gift! Does he get half of your birthday money too. What about if someone buys you a present do you have to return it and split the money.
Bonuses are not comparable that is money he goes out and earns supposedly to support his family.

I think if you'd just been given a random amount of money and you're married then discussing what it goes on with your dh is fair. In this case you DF is giving you money for specific things so I think it should be spent on those specific things. So you’re not being remotely unreasonable. Your dh should be supportive of both those thongs anyway as they will benefit you so much. Your dh should be delighted for you, not trying to make a grab for the money!

No this is different, yourfather wants to see you be happy again. He's gifting you money specifically for surgery and retraining. So book it quickly and spend it so he can't nag you anymore!

If you’re “crying all the time”, hasn’t your DP noticed? And what has he done to help you?

Well.
Tell dh to stretch his imagination forward in time.
Your dc has a facial scar caused by an accident. It impacts their day to day life. You have access to the 5k needed for plastic surgery. You offer it to your child and pay it to them in good faith. The surgery doesn't happen but they arrive in a new car. How does he feel?

He sounds like a fool. What is actually behind it?

OK< so your DF has offered a wad of cash without being specific, saying use this to make yourself happy.

I can see that if your husband is having to work 24/7 to keep a roof over your head, he can perhaps have an opinion on how its spent.

I can see why your husband may consider it selfish on your part

Tbh, I can see both sides of this. And it perhaps makes quite a difference as to how you approached this with your husband. You've already said that it is more of a general gift to help you get your life back on track and that it's just been suggested what you spend it on. I think it makes a bit of difference whether you said 'DH, my father has offered to pay for me to have a tummy tuck and to do some retraining' or 'DH, my father is going to give me some money and I've decided to spend it on a tummy tuck and I'm going to retrain'. I know it's just semantics, really, but I can see how your husband would find the latter unfair.

Agree with @CurlyWurlyTwirly......personally I'd also hold fire on the retrain....get the op done, recover, see how you feel then retrain.

It has been gifted to you for a specific purpose. I imagine your dad would be upset if it was spent on something else - I know I would be.

Well, here we have two men - one who clearly loves you very much. The other ...

Your dh sounds very resentful and jealous.
He puts his money into the family pot because you are a SAHM. Therefore his argument that he shares “his” money and so should you is bullshit.
I’d be so hurt if my dh, who I thought loved me and wanted the best for me, behaved like an arbitrator. He sounds like a child actually, stamping his feet, it’s not fair where’s “mine!!!!”
I’d seriously be rethinking my marriage actually,

He’s being a cunt. Tell him your dad won’t give it to unless for this purpose so it’s up to your DH whether you say yes (and thank you to your lovely dad) or no and carry on as is.

Personally I’d divorce the tightwad before you take the money then spend it on your operation, go out, find a new man and shag him senseless with your new tummy

Is there a backstory? Being a sahm puts full responsibility on your husband for running the household and if he is struggling to cover the basics, I can understand his feelings because you aren't being gifted money for surgery / retraining / creating a business that is you choosing independently how to spend the windfall.

Can you get a part time job start contributing towards the household ?

This isn't the first big windfall you had, you have had a car gifted which you consider to be yours. Whilst any bonus money he gets are accessed and jointly shared. I see both sides are being unreasonable tbh

If your dad had just said he was giving you some money I'd totally agree with him. But he didn't, he said he would pay for a specific thing. It would be beyond rude to your dad to take the money then do something else with it.
My dad gave me some money so we could pay off some of the mortgage. He'd have gone ballistic if I'd said I was going to use some of it for a holiday or a tummy tuck or anything else because it was given for a specific purpose.
Your dh is being a dick.

Obviously we're only getting one side here so it's hard to tell. I sympathise with your situation but won't give a judgement

1. Are you seeking medical and mental health? If you're crying every day because of pain and thoughts about your appearance is extreme. How does/has your DH supported you so far with these issues?

1. Have you had surgical consultations for the cosmetic surgery and been approved for the procedure or is this still hypothetical? Do you intend to have more children.

1. Have you got a career in mind for retraining, what qualification is needed etc? Are you relying on what you hope to be the psychological benefits of surgery to give you the confidence to retrain, could you retrain then see how you feel about your appearance. You may find your overall mental health improves once your training/working again and be in a better place to make the decision about surgery then

1. What's your overall family financial situation. You say you can't afford to pay for surgery or a car out of family money, is your husband's income struggling to meet every day costs which is resulting in pressure on him/family stress etc.?

I agree that your DH is being unfair about the tummy tuck and retraining. It's money from your father for a specific purpose.

However I disagree about the car - it isn't really fair for you to say that it's your car, not 'our car' when he is the sole earner and putting all his money into the family pot. You can't have your cake and eat it.

And as a grown woman you shouldn't really be crying in front of your father all the time. He shouldn't be feeling that he has to keep spending to make your life better. You need to find a way forward for yourself.

OP are you happy with your relationship? It sounds like your DF is encouraging your independence in your mobility, your self-esteem and your skills and your DH is furious about it.

It seems DH prefers you not be working and unhappy about yourself.

Do you now have a car each? If you do then that’s one each. Yours & his.

If this was the other way around everyone would be saying he should share it

In this case, I think you’re wrong.

I’m so sorry you’re having these difficulties. I know that the NHS would never pay for that type of operation, so going privately is the only option.

I think you need to stand your ground over this. Spend the money on the operation and your retraining. Your DH will just have to live with it. If he can’t, then it’s up to him.

💐

I can see both sides tbh. Has your DH heard directly from your dad or is he hearing it from you? Perhaps he doesn't quite get that it's for these specific things. I would explain how important this is to you. And ask if there's anything he's sacrificing for himself that he could get himself from his bonus?

But personally, the health issue should be addressed, and retraining is a good thing. You're not blowing it. You're going to significantly improve your life.