Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

Or maybe he could have got the bus or train to work. Or asked her to drop him off and she could have the car during the day. Or organised a lift share with a colleague.
I don't know how feasible those suggestions are (I live in the countryside with woeful public transport), but maybe they were possible. I don't know, it just feels like his car is his (even if it's referred to as a family car) but he also wants to lay claim to hers.
I just don't think you can appropriate presents and to me running costs are a red herring because family money is earned by her too (all be it indirectly), so if she wants to finance a car from her share then that's her prerogative.

OP's DS is 2. She's been with DH for 5 years. So that's at least 3 years when she had a full time job that she could have bought her own car if she'd really wanted one. Running costs for a 2nd car are not a reasonable expense if there is no money for them!

If there's no money for a second car, then Mr Big Shot needs to get a better job, since his one isn't providing for the sah wife he is insisting on having, with his refusal to do any childcare or anything to help her get back into a decent career! Or share his car by making other arrangements to get to work a couple of days per week.

If he was willing to help her, he'd be improving his own prospects in the long run. He is unwilling to even try to adjust how he works.

He could look into flexitime, compressed hours etc to do his bit. It's been suggested that OP does term time work only but it seems massively unfair that she has to build her career around childcare but he hasn't even looked into doing anything different. The status quo definitely suits him, but at her expense. The least she deserves is him not carping about running another car, that he didn't even have to buy!

He could look into all those things (I mentioned them up thread only for the OP to dismiss them all because she was always going to be doing 100% and always fitting her job around etc and other posters have repeatedly made similar points).

Equally, if flexible working and compressed hours don't work, then the extra money brought in by OP (assuming we're looking at a career with strong prospects as a retraining plan - the nature of her plans matter significantly) would add to the family pot and they could BOTH decide that outsourcing some things to childcare or cleaners would be an option

There nature of the retraining, impact on childcare and finances whilst retraining, prospects after all need to be discussed like sensible adults (eg does it involve full time placements for no money, will her father cover the childcare costs as well or does that have to be found from her DH's salary when the family pot has no room for extras / what's the impact of him reducing hours on ability to cover everything required from the family pot on a lower salary in order to work an unspecified period of retraining?)

For example take two situations:

1. OP finds a training route. It's a 1 year postgraduate conversion to a profession with good prospects and security, it'll provide her with intellectual stimulation and give her a sense of financial purpose. The course starts September 2020, her dad has generously offered to pay the fees for her and has also said that as their family finances are tight with no float for luxuries, he can also cover the childcare to enable her to do this course because it will be good for her and the family long term. In that situation, her DH continues in his job because that covers the bills but OP and the family get a better future with family help and once earning, the family pot can cover the childcare and possibly a cleaner so she isn't working a double shift.

1. OP has no idea what she wants to do, toys with the idea of setting her own business up but isn't sure what in, wants to do a few short courses paid for by dad and in the meantime continues to complain to dad about how awful everything is being at home. She sets herself up as a life coach (or similar sort of self employed set up that can be done after a few days unregulated training etc) and may have some work but may not. She doesn't have much of a plan, does a few hours here and there but wants a cleaner and childcare because she's building her career. The problem is that there isn't actually any extra money going into the family pot and the magic money tree doesn't exist so that has to come from somewhere. The OP then continues to complain about how everything she does comes second to DH's career, he should drop a day (ignoring that loss of money means bills won't get paid), being at home more means DH fairly expects a 70/30 split on home jobs but OP thinks this is ufair and generally spends years moping around in victimhood to her family about how she sacrificed everything.

1 is a totally reasonable situation.
2 is a totally unreasonable situation.

None of us can say which of those two it will be because we haven't got the information, which is why it's best they communicate and get a plan together rather than hoping some random people online will pat them on the back and tell them to do what they like because DH is a dick.

OP, you sound bitterly unhappy and full of resentment. I'm sorry you are so low.
I think addressing some of that - through couples counselling, or CBT or whatever most feels a fit with you - would be a wise first step rather than surgery. In your current mindsetyour focus on the tummy tuck as a silver bullet for your unhappiness will only lead to disappointment and disillusion when it fails to fix everything.

If there's no money for a second car, then Mr Big Shot needs to get a better job, since his one isn't providing for the sah wife he is insisting on having, with his refusal to do any childcare or anything to help her get back into a decent career!

I think this sums your posts up.

It's all his fault for not earning enough money.

Or maybe they shoild have had a baby, knowing he didnt earn enough. Maybe op should not have stayed at home. Especially once she had the second car. She could have gone back to work then.

Typical attitude that if there isnr enough money it's the man fault. And unless he waits years for her to retrain, he is a bastard.

It's his fault that there's not enough money if he blocks her attempts to earn a decent wage which will not be swallowed up by childcare costs.
He can't in all fairness refuse to help her or look after his own child and moan that there's no money spare money from his wages and so he should get a share of what her dad gives her. She's not the one desperate to have a sah parent, but this arrangement seems to suit him very well!

@Aderyn19 at the point the car came into play she had been out of work a year.

She could have aimed to get in then. But she didnt.

If he wanted her to return to work, she wasnt going anyway. It's going to be years until she goes back, even if it appears that wasnt the original agreement.

So for now, he is the one keeping them financially afloat.

He wants her to work. He just doesnt want it to be yeara down the line.

If both of them go into careers where they need childcare, they need childcare. Theres no rule that says both parents cant have a career. Thats what childcare is for.

Besides which the car has nothing to do with her working.

That's not why she had the car. Maybe the costs of the second car would have been easier to face IF she was using it to facilitate her return to work.

But it's a another year and now she has decides to retrain

I'll say it again. Both of them seem to have painted themseleves into a corner where they are the poor victim. The other is lucky and doesnt know it and their life is shit.

You see it over and over again.

Of course, but it seems the onus is on her to get a decent job, sort childcare and work around it. He's made it clear that he is unwilling to do anything different in his life.
He wants her to work but he doesn't seem to care whether that work is mentally stimulating.
I think it's unfair that two people had a baby but only one has to change their life to accommodate it. She may well have wanted to give up work initially, but first time mums have no idea whether that will suit them or not. If it doesn't, both parents need to make changes.

He said that during an argument.

That was about him stepping back in his career years down the line. So actually pointless argument. He may mean it and be a dick.

OP isnt going to be working before the child is at school age has financial support from her dad. Loads if schools do breakfast club and afterschool club or childminders.

OP may have to find them. She might be better doing it as a single parent. But it's totally doable. Or maybe if they both seek some help to communicate and start to make and effort to understand the other position, they may both get to a place where they are happy to compromise.

But again, she started an argument because she wants to know he will take a step back, before she even knows what she will retrain as. So has no idea even if he will need to. Why does he have to commit now to stepping back when she finally goes back when she has no idea what she wants to do or even timeline?

I personally think OP sounds like she has a very low mood. He aounds stressed and they are arguing about hypothetical situations because they dont communicate.

I don't think either is an orgre. I think that are both just feeling shit and not working like a couple should. Maybe it's gone to fat and the marriage is over. Even if it is, it's still possible for OP to pursue her career.

I don't know Till. If someone does no childcare and then says (during an argument or not) that they will continue to do no childcare, I'd be inclined to believe them.
I didn't read it as OP expecting him to pull back on work right this minute, I thought it was more in principle once she had her plans firmed up, but this is a long thread and I may have forgotten.
But going back to the original issue of ownership of gifts, I do think that a person who tries to claim a stake in a present given from a parent to their child is dodgy as fuck.

I do believe it's pointless trying to pin him down to an agreement because he's already lied and lumbered her with all the child rearing.

There seems to be several issues here.
Op seems desperately unhappy and feels a tummy tuck would solve much of her happiness. Just a thought but what if she wanted more children? ( I have no idea how such goes if you do have)
I think she needs to see her gp and health visitor .
Yes if you get a gift of money then it is for you.
She wanted a car so dad bought her that, now once again she wants and dad is paying for her wants.
She also talks about furthering her career by courses which dad will again fund, although worryingly she repeatedly says she has no idea in what field . She also does seem to have been well educated.
Her husband we know is not happy with it all. He does as she says keep mentioning the mortgage.
Whilst any money you get is a gift is for you, here we see what has to be a vast sum, spent on a plastic surgery and a course which may/may not help her career as she seems to have no idea on what.
Perhaps they have a very large mortgage who knows .
The impression I am getting from what I have read is that, if op wants something then she cries to her dad who gets it.
There seems to be a serious communication problem.
She seems used to getting what she wants. The dc is not given much thought .
She mentions sores ,but she will not be able to get surgery unless no infections or sores.
I need surgery myself (medical conditions) but if I had the funds I could never justify spending on myself despite it helping my health, I would use the money for my family and myself to go on holiday. To me they are normally most relaxing and enjoyable (obviously not re Thomas cook at the moment ) but in general.
I wish op well , but feel her first port of call should be her drs.
Her dad giving her everything she wants may not be helping.

if I had the funds I could never justify spending on myself despite it helping my health, I would use the money for my family and myself to go on holiday

I think more women should justify spending money on themselves, especially to to fix health issues. Women don't have to constantly put their needs below that of their families. A holiday is nice but it's not as important as fixing something which causes pain or discomfort on a daily basis.

I didn't read it as OP expecting him to pull back on work right this minute,

But how can anyone commit to something years down the line. When she doesnt even know what she wants to do. Her career could mean no one has to pull back. Not that she should look for something based on that.

Or maybe she picks a low paying, but fullfilling career ir one that takes years to get to be earning g good money. But he has promised to step back. Should he, even though it could screw finances. At this point with no idea what she wants to do or when, its impossible to commit to.

And setting them up for fail.

if I had the funds I could never justify spending on myself despite it helping my health, I would use the money for my family and myself to go on holiday

And people get annoyed when you use the phrase "mummy martyr"...this is what that phrase was made for.

Why on earth would you put a holiday above your health? You're home 51 weeks of the year! It's more important to be healthy than go on holiday.

Would you be serene if your husband's family gave him a sum of money and he unilaterally decided to spend it on something with high running costs which would impact the whole family and require you all to cut back? Or would you expect a conversation about making that purchase

It depends where you live, but in most areas, a car is a necessity, not a luxury.

OP you sound in a very miserable place and defeatist about everything, saddest of all there isn’t the slightest vibe of happiness about being a parent.
I second those suggesting counselling of some description before doing anything else

She sets herself up as a life coach
I can't see people lining up for advice from someone like the OP.

choli
It was just an example of the sort of retraining thing that someone might do that can eat up lots in the way of courses but isn't professionally regulated and seems to be quite popular with women wanting to be self employed or have a career after children, whilst realistically not having much in the way of proper wanting power.

cryalot2
I agree with you on many things, but disagree with your martyr ish view of delaying health surgery for the sake of a family holiday.
Too many women fall prey to martyring themselves and then moping about how tough their life is:
E.g. I chose to give up work, but now it's no longer my thing I'll complain about how much I sacrificed and how the world would end without me
I could have time to do hobbies and interests, but I dont because then I can martyr myself and complain at DP about how he has a hobby whilst I value family time
I could use some family resources to do something good for my health, but I don't and will continue to make everyone aware of just how much I'm struggling and have give up for them

The OP is an academic, I can't see her setting up as a life coach or getting sucked into some MLM type bollocks.

@Aderyn19 so you think it's only uneducated people? Or are academica different in a way to the rest of the population.

Fact is OP has no clue what she wants to do. At least at the point she has decided there would be some clue to how its going to work when the time comes for her to actually start work.

I agree with Lola and it would be the same if my children wanted funding. I have paid for one (law) who was not sponsored by a firm like her sister and that was fine - she is now a £100k London lawyer. It was a good bet and i knew she would do well with it. if instead the request was for something like Lola's (2) and no clear plan etc not worth funding.

The child here is 2 so not a long time away from work for the mother although some of us went back full time well before that. Best to get on with it but don't jeopardise the husband's job - instead get cleaning and childcare help whilst in the new job or doing the training. I don't think it is right for this family for the husband to go part time as that is risky too but he can certainl do housework at weekends etc whilst she is training like most men and women.

I wouldn't do the tummy tuck. Just keep eating less and do exercises every day and a good long walk pushing the push chair.