Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

So your DH thinks marriage makes everything ‘OURS’?

Are your bras half his? Are your shoes half his? Is your toothbrush shared by him?
No and that because marriage doesn’t mean you can’t have your own belongings and things. Your DH is very wrong here.

Your DF is giving YOU money. He’s not giving it to your marriage.

YOU don’t stop being an individual when you get married. YOU get to own things all by yourself when they are gifted specifically to YOU. Your DH doesn’t get to decide what your father spends his money on and he’s choosing to spend it on YOU.

Sounds all very concerning tbh.

You mention inheritance, If I was your DH I would fully expect any to go in the family pot. Likewise the car you got given is yours, but also belongs to the family. (I guess repairs are from the pot)

But why he isn't just happy that your DF is giving you this lovely gift had alarm bells for both his attitude and about the relationship between the 3 of you.
Is your DF over involved in your life, undermining DH and flexing his money power this way?

I also agree about the car. If I was the sole earner and my husband was given a car by his parents, I would very much see it as a family car. I would be really hurt if he claimed that it was his and his alone. Maybe that is clouding your husband's thoughts about this money?

Yes and no. If you are given a cash sum eg an inheritance then it's a marital asset, but your father can give you a gift of the treatment and the money is directed. As for retraining, as it's a bigger issue then it's right to talk it through, but the surgery is a gift

I think the responses would have varied if this was reversed. Men are expected to share everything.

I would normally say a gift is for the person it’s given too. However as you’re not working and see his salary and bonus as joint money then it does seem a bit off to say this is just yours. I can see why he would take issue with it. Wouldn’t you the other way round?

Your dad sounds lovely.

The money from your dad is yours but I’m concerned that a tummy tuck isn’t going to stop your crying.

Look deep inside. What is making you feel so bad ?

Your DH is a knob. He’s seeing you come to pieces over this and trying to deny you of a specific gift to fix it? Is he usually this pig headed?

DH paid for the car I drive and still calls it “my” car...because it is mine. The mind boggles, truly.

Is there a chance you are a bit of a daddy's princess and there is some competition between these two. Your husband works hard and provides what he can then your dad swoops in like a knight in shining armour leaving your OH feeling pretty peeved and impotent

It sounds like your DH wants to keep you unhappy and dependent on him

Why can't your DH keep some of, or all of his bonuses? I have no idea what my DH does with his, maybe it goes into his own account. But surely those are your DH's to do what he pleases with?

If he has to put all bonus money into the family pot, I can see why he would be resentful at your receiving cash gifts and keeping them for yourself (as he sees it). If he does put bonuses into your joint account because he just does, no pressure from you, then it's more "jog on" time.

There may well be far more to than that though. But your father's gift will end up benefiting both of you long term, surely he sees that?

On the fact of it, your husband sounds like a right fanny.

However, what are you crying about all the time that has so alarmed your father but seemingly not your husband ? And are you sure it’s something that can be healed by a tummy tuck?

I think there sounds like there is a back story here and this isnt the first time daddy has rescued you and dh is frustrated that that his efforts and priorities are diminished by the second man in your marriage.

Use half for the op half for the pot if possible. That sounds fair.

If you're going to split it. Half for retraining and half for the pot. The op is a red herring.

Yes. He’s offered a specific amount with a suggestion that it would cover what I need to get my life back and stop crying all the time

If your DH spent it on the mortgage or himself, presumably that wouldn’t help you feel happier and stop crying, so clearly isn’t what the money if for.

Sorry, but your DH sounds like a cock.

Why does everyone assume that the DH is in the wrong? We do not know about their financial circumstances, we do not know if DH wants the OP to return to work but she's refusing to, we do not know the whole story and yet we are castigating this man!
OP, if your DF bought you a car and you insist it's yours, do you pay for the tax, insurance and petrol?
Do you have a joint bank account? Savings?
How much does your DH earn?
Are you intending to return to work?
Is your DH worried about money?
I agree with someone else who suggested you're a bit of a daddy's princess. You're crying to your DF expecting him to stump up money for you to spend on yourself, whilst your DH is out at work expected to maintain your SAH life.
My suggestion would be, ask DF if he will pay for you to retrain, then get a job, start earning money and save up yourself for a cosmetic procedure. Presumeably the way your body looks doesn't bother your DH, so I can see why he thinks spending money on such a luxury is not the gp best thing.
Let's have the full story OP, instead of just one side!

I'm liking the long-term positive thinking of CurlyWurlyTwirly and Mummyoflittledragon's posts!

On the face of it it sounds like your DH is being a dick.
My husband would never expect me to give him any money I was given by my family. Of course in the event I have been given money I have used it for all of our benefit. But never have I just handed over to him money which has been given as a gift to me. Recently my uncle gave me 3 grand to spend on furniture for our home. And I bought furniture with it. I'm sure there may have been other things my husband would have preferred to spend that money on but I was given it to spend on furniture and so that's what we did with it. Not once did he suggest to me spending ot on something else because that was not the intention of the gift.
If your father wants to pay for something to benefit you as an individual that is his right... your husband should not be trying to take that money as its not his or even yours it's your fathers who wants it spent on you not given to your husband!

I don't actually know how I feel about this. I personally wouldn't spend ks on cosmetic surgery. But understand people do. Mainly because I would never risk non essential surgery. Not while I have young dcs because the recovery may be difficult, there is always the chance that surgery can go wrong and if I had 1 dc at aged 2, what if I wanted more dcs later on?

The retraining is very worthwhile. But would again depend on what I was retraining in, and whether I will actually use that training further down the line. If I was a flibbertygibbet and likely to do a random course is something bizarre that will never advantage me, and it will impact on childcare negatively and cost ks then I don't think it would be money well spent.

You are entitled to a gift from your father. The gift from your father is to make you feel better. But I would personally feel better with savings, or a family holiday, or home improvements. Or a course to brush up on existing skills or one that would seriously improve my employability.

Your tummy may be a big issue to you, but an unnecessary operation might be a big deal to your husband. He may not think you need it because he loves your tummy as it is. He may want to discuss the option of more dcs etc. And if you have been crying to Daddy about a this, and he has chucked money at the problem (and not for the first time) if I was your dh I would probably be a bit pissed off too. Especially if I was working full time and my dh was a sahm.

Swap it around. 'Dh has been given some money, he wants a tummy tuck and spend some money on a course. Hes been a sahd for 2 years and gone crying to his mum. Aibu to think we could spend his money on less selfish things?'

Fwiw both men in your life sound quite controlling.

Get your DF to hold on to the money for now

Divorce your husband

THEN get the money from your DF once your husband is no longer entitled to it!

Your dad isn't just 'gifting you money' he is gifting you money specifically for your surgery and retraining, so your DP has no say.

If you consider his money yours it’s understandable why he feels the same

Have you told your dad what your dh has said?

The attitude that the car is yours is strange. Why isn't it a family car? Why don’t you want DH yo think of it as a family car?

Your DF should pay for the tummy tuck and retraining directly - ask him to tie the gift to those specific things.

I assumed this was going to be about inheritance or literal money. Which in that case I personally think it does belong to every family member equally.

But this isn't money, it's money to pay for a gift. The gift was given to you not him.