Aiu to feel annoyed about Xmas plans

[XmasAnnoyances]

The last 3 years it has fallen to me to host Xmas. So mum, dad, bro and his partner and their teenage child all at mine from Xmas Eve til boxing day.

Last year I did it all with 4 children, 1 a newborn. None of them bought anything, not even a cheap bottle of wine (although they got the kids lots of lovely presents!) Noone helped, I was cooking Xmas dinner while holding baby who would only be comforted by me. Baby was very unwell and after lunch I ended up taking her to a&e, she had a viral wheeze and after treatment we were discharged with inhaler and steroids. I returned to find all the washing up still piled high, mess everywhere, bro was pissed, DH was trying to help but looking after children. When we got back dad said "yay, she's back, we can have supper now!"

So this year I decided not to host and wait (hope) one of the others would do it.

My mum just called to say bro and his family are going to hers for xmas but that she can't cook for/accommodate everyone so we are invited to join them for a walk boxing day afternoon if we want.
I feel a bit peeved as we have no other family, DH is only child and his parents died before we had kids.

So aiu to feel irritated?I know hosting doesn't mean they have to return the invite but I feel a bit used. Also wibu to think sod it and start looking for holiday deals and sod the lot and go away?

The Xmas Eve thing has really annoyed me because she had just assumed I would be ok for her to come over. Usually everyone arrives Xmas Eve and I do a big buffet in the afternoon/evening.

Of course she did, you've been her doormat for years. I mean, what kind of dicks for parents behave like that, sit on their arse and do FA on Xmas Day whilst their daughter and ill newborn grandchild are in hospital and then expect her to wait on them and serve them up a supper? Honestly, I have an adult child myself, I cannot imagine treating her like that. I'd be going out of my judgement if her child got ill, insisting that her husband go with them to hospital whilst we held down the fort at home with the kids and tidying up, making sure everything was ship shape and the kids bathed and in bed for their return, having a pot of tea and supper ready for them when they got home.

That's what a normal parent does!

If you can't do it, then perhaps your h should be the one to tell her that Christmas will be a time you do things your own way with your family from now on because the hosting is unappreciated.

These people don't deserve the lovely daughter and grandchildren they have got.

Honestly OP you have a perfect opportunity here to set some boundaries with your family.

You cannot see them Xmas Eve or Boxing Day. You are going away.

They are treating you like shit.

I'd now be open about it next time it comes up and say 'look, Mum, I know you're all going for a fancy lunch on Boxing Day that we're not invited to. That's your choice and you do what you want over Christmas, but obviously I'll do the same, so please don't assume anything without asking first.'

And tims is right. My mum would never in a million years have behaved like that if my child - her grandchild - was ill.

What a bunch of bastards! Yanbu! Do exactly as you like OP and have a lovely festive period!

Did she mention the meal?

Hi mum, but confused about this afternoons conversation. Why would you be making plans to come around Xmas eve without discussing it with us? I said hosting is hard work so we need a year off, that includes the big Xmas eve buffet I’ve usually done! You know it’s hard work - it’s not like you’re jumping to host or even all go out together so mystified as to why you’ve assumed Christmas Eve is on. Last Christmas nearly did me in, I don’t know when I’ll be ready to do that again.

Theres a subtle allusion to the lunch you’re not invited to there, cos I couldn’t leave it out

I think you need to stop being subtle and actually say what you think.

Definitely go away. But be sure you tell them how hurt you are and why, and that the way they acted last year was a disgrace.

Ha! The panto is because she feels guilty!

How DARE she assume you will host the buffet when she has excluded you from the Boxing Day lunch!.

If this descends further into a passive aggressive negotiation it will fester onwards for years.

I would be direct. “Mum this is very hard for me. I have worked hard to host everyone and been happy but to do so because we have the space and it had been lovely to have everyone together. However last year was very hard for me with a newborn and then her health crisis. In truth I didn’t get much help from the family, and I am exhausted,
I understand the rest of the family are meeting for Boxing Day lunch, which is nice, but DH and I need to make a cosy Christmas in a different way”

I would stay at home if you can’t afford or don’t especially want to go away, and accept your Mums panto tix if you want to . Don’t use the tickets to score points or cut off your nose to spite your face.

I wouldn't have been able to resist saying "Gee Mum, you shouldn't have bought the panto tickets without asking first. And I'd much rather you had used the money and included us in that Xmas dinner you're hosting for Bro & family. But never mind, hopefully you can get a refund".

Fuck ‘em. I am seething for you OP. I really couldn’t let it lie but if you want to then absolutely don’t have them Christmas Eve either. What CF, not wanting to share Christmas unless you are doing lol the work.

Wow!!? Bro's partner just text me:
" Hello Lovely, your mum called tonight in a state. Pete is out so I have tried to deal with her. Apparently we are all no longer invited Christmas Eve cos you are upset about us going to your parents the next day. I swear we thought you were going too. Your mum emailed awhile ago saying Eve at your place and day at hers, we just assumed you would be there. I think it's crazy not all being together, please don't be upset, we love you all"

So she invited them to mine without even asking!

Look, you're going to have to grow up here, Xmas, or these nasty excuses for parents are going to steamroll over you and treat you like shit forever.

Message your mum back: I've been hosting for years without so much as a bottle of wine, but last year really took the biscuit. Now you're still coming off playing the victim because I'm no longer interested in everyone taking advantage of us anymore. Well, I'm not buying it. No more. We're not hosting anymore. Not that it matters, you invited DB and his to lunch on Boxing Day but us only for a poxy walk. Wow.

Tell your brother's partner there's no more hosting. You're tired of being taken advantage of and the final straw was when you were left to take a newborn to hospital alone on Xmas Day whilst they all sat about doing FA and then expected you to rustle up supper.

Honestly, they're all a bunch of twats.

Your mum is a manipulative bitch still trying to play the victim here. Don't stand for it.

So you explain you don't want to host this year and your mum etc react by trying to railroad you into hosting Christmas Eve whilst excluding you on Christmas Day entirely, plus the Boxing Day lunch.

I'm furious on your behalf!! Unless you're happy to host, you'll need to make clear Christmas Eve wasn't and Isn't on the table.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3444444-If-youre-having-to-spend-this-Christmas-with-people-in-places-youd-rather-not
I started this thread just before Christmas last year. Obviously not everyone agreed with where I was coming from, but if it applies to you, please break the cycle.

Your family has behaved really badly here and I'd be just as annoyed as you! BUT, how you handle this could influence your wider relationship with everyone for a long time so I think you need to think about it really carefully. Suggest you speak to your mum and brothers partner directly and be consistent. Something like "I found last year really stressful for lots of reasons and if i am honest, was looking forward to being hosted in return for what I've done over the last three years. That's not the plan - so fine, but as a result we are going to do what suits us this year and moving forward too. We don't see it as selfish or an issue given how this year is being handled.

And then perhaps finish and say you don't see it as a big deal, just an eye opener and you want to leave it there.

I agree the detail of how they behaved is appalling and it's crap they didn't even contribute to dinner! But will YOU feel better for bringing all of that up to them now? It will likely encourage your mum and bro etc to go on the defensive and you won't get an apology. Even if it's deserved!!

Honestly, they are all taking the piss. Your mother in particular. It sounds like you've been doing tons of work in previous years and they've taken it for granted.
Break the chain - the first time is the hardest. No to Xmas Eve do, no to afterthought Boxing Day walk.
Leave them to sort themselves out and observe how desperately they attempt to find another person to leech off.

What @timshelthechoice said. Straight to the point and no fannying around the issue. Your family is unbelievable. Lazy, greedy, tight and manipulative.
Enjoy Christmas with your lovely DC and DH, left the freeloaders to their own business. Hope they enjoy their walk after the posh lunch.

Buffet at yours —shakes head— with let me guess-zero contriburanttion from the guests.

Oh, wait, they offered you some fresh air on Boxing Day but even this comes with strings attached, you have to come their way.I can’t even imagine the logistics of that, are you supposed to wait outside trestaurant until they finish their meal to go for a walk?

Outrageous OP.

*contribution
*the restaurant

Sorry, MN sometimes has a glitch on my device

To be fair to your DB and his partner it sounds as though they weren't actually involved in the organisation of all this. Obviously your brother is a grown man and the fact he sits passively by until he's directed where to go by his mummy and doesn't have the wherewithal to motive that he's taking the mick is an issue if it's own! He's not the brains behind the operation though!

It seems your Mum is the one you need to tackle, she's clearly planned the whole thing out to her liking and is expecting you to just fall into line.

I would call DB's partner back and say you're not sure why your mum is upset as no plans had been made about Christmas Eve so it's not that people are no longer invited, there was nothing planned in the first place.

Then say you found it very stressful hosting last year and have had a difficult year so plan to have a quiet, restful few days with no guests or travel. I'd probably suggest catching up sometime 27th-30th, perhaps pub lunch or similar.

With your mum I think you're just going to have to be firm, she will not like you refusing to fall into line but I think you just have to bite the bullet! Maybe go to the panto but only if it fits in with your other plans.

Your mum emailed awhile ago saying Eve at your place and day at hers

If you aren’t going to tell anyone that isn’t on, you may as well just lay down at the door and let them walk all over you.

Why haven’t you told your mum how you feel?
Why haven’t you told your brother how you feel?

Even your brothers girlfriend is assuming you and the mum will do all hosting and they don’t have to do thing.

Tell people how you feel!!!!

I would call DB's partner back and say you're not sure why your mum is upset as no plans had been made about Christmas Eve so it's not that people are no longer invited, there was nothing planned in the first place.

This. Tell her that your mum can’t disinvite people from your house when they weren’t invited! You can’t invite people to someone else’s house anyway; that’s not how it works!

Point out to everyone that you have hosted for years and after getting fuck all help from any of them, you won’t be doing it this year. Point out that it takes the piss for your mum to not invite you for food at hers when you’ve hosted all of them for years.

I would love to know how they could all justify that to themselves.