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If you're having to spend this Christmas with people, in places you'd rather not...

(19 Posts)
Justmuddlingalong Thu 06-Dec-18 16:13:33

Please make a decision right now, that next year will be different. The amount of threads at this time of year, about people dreading Christmas with people they don't want to be with, trekking here and there visiting when they want to stay at home. Putting up with bad behaviour from others because 'it's Christmas, it's tradition, that's what you always do.' STOP! Please, make Christmas 2019 something, if not to look forward to, something not to dread.

MrsTerryPratcett Thu 06-Dec-18 16:16:15

Putting up with bad behaviour is one thing. But sucking up a little discomfort and annoyance for family is another. I see people I'd rather not because it's family and that's important. Only doing stuff I love seems very selfish and ultimately lonely.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 06-Dec-18 16:22:09

I don't agree with the 'because it's family' argument.

QueenOfIce Thu 06-Dec-18 16:27:33

I agree op, every individuals Christmas is just as important as the next so to put yourself through a dreadful time just because 'it's family' seems mad! Sometimes people need to be told their behaviour is unacceptable and how it affects another. If that won't do any good avoiding them at a time of year when stress is high is a good idea.

I have never forced myself to do anything that would make me miserable because my happiness is as important at theirs it's not selfish it's called self care.

Ragwort Thu 06-Dec-18 16:27:57

I agree Just, and of course there’s a big difference between really dreading a family visit and a bit of mild irritation if your mother doesn’t cook the potatoes just how you like them. I think a little compromise is sometimes necessary but clearly in some of the posts on here people are having to put up with really horrible situations.

And I would also add that if you have grown up children, for goodness sake don’t expect them to come to you, or assume you will go to them ... Christmas isn’t just 25th December, don’t make unreasonable demands of your own families, and don’t guilt trip your children into having to spend time with you. As a mother to an only child (a son), I am very conscious of this and really hope I will not be ‘demanding his company’ every Christmas. I am perfectly sure there are lots of ways of enjoying the Christmas celebrations.

MrsTerryPratcett Thu 06-Dec-18 20:55:21

I put up with my annoying, Brexit loving, arrogant uncle once every couple of years because his children are nice and it makes my mother happy. And my dreadful cousin, because his sisters are great.

You don't have to. That's your choice. But telling people what their boundaries should be is not OK either.

GhostSauce Thu 06-Dec-18 21:15:06

I have this argument with myself ever year.

I'd love to spend the day in my knickers and a ratty T-shirt eating curry and watching X-Files. Just me, DP and cat. And several bottles of champagne. That's the dream!

But our families really are lovely and would be so upset, I just don't think we can do it. Our families are lovely, it's more the ridiculous expense, endless car journeys and the logistical stress that does me in.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 06-Dec-18 21:22:56

I'm not telling anyone what their boundaries should be. I'm saying set your own boundaries, stick to them and do what makes you happy.

MrsTerryPratcett Thu 06-Dec-18 23:06:26

I think STOP! Is fairly telly of you.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 06-Dec-18 23:53:02

It was written as a supportive thread. However, if you're determined to twist it @MrsTerryPratcett… carry on.

madroid Fri 07-Dec-18 00:06:14

I have a family member that is incapable of appreciating other people's needs. It does make me miserable to spend a lot of time with them.

What should I do queenofice ? Should I practice 'self-care' and leave them on their own this Christmas? Should I set my own boundaries and just see them once? Duty done and I can carry on with my own life guilt free.

What a mean spirited and selfish attitude. Christmas is about showing love to others and putting others before yourself.

Justmuddlingalong Fri 07-Dec-18 02:31:50


Mokepon Fri 07-Dec-18 02:54:06

Christmas is about showing love to others and putting others before yourself.

For the first time ever this year I probably won't see my parents. We have been LC all year and just received a text from my mother the other day saying don't buy us gifts, donate to charity on our behalf, basically so they don't have to see us I suspect. Or to incite a reaction.

It doesn't sound so bad in itself but I'd be here all night trying to explain the complexities of the situation.

I digress.
We are going away, as a family unit. DH, the kids and me. I'm putting our needs first. We've hosted every other year and this year I cba playing the dutiful daughter and being treated like shit the rest of the time.

So call me selfish and mean spirited. I actually don't feel guilty this time for looking after us. I'm mega excited for Christmas this year. fgrin

You get what you give. I'm giving my love and time to people who I know appreciate it.

TakeAWalkOverHere Fri 07-Dec-18 03:25:26

I remember dreading a Christmas day visit from the outlaws, they decided not to visit with an hour's notice on the day. You never know what will happen.

SilverDoe Fri 07-Dec-18 03:28:38

I spend time with extended family around Christmas (Christmas Eve or Boxing Day) but Christmas Day is ours alone. I put a lot of effort in and me and my partner deserve to enjoy it in peace with our little ones if that’s what we wish - frankly don’t mind if anyone else thinks that’s selfish! Life is too short and I love Christmas so I want to do it how I like it.

HollyBollyBooBoo Fri 07-Dec-18 04:08:58

Totally agree with you @Justmuddlingalong, it's crazy how much people are doing things they don't want want, why shouldn't we put ourselves and our children first?

QueenOfIce Fri 07-Dec-18 07:12:41

What a load of you only put others before yourself at Christmas time? What a Saint.

Some people have a real martyr complex especially at this time of the year. Enjoy your miserable Christmas! fgrin

LorraineBainesMcFly Sun 09-Dec-18 01:27:04

This thread has come just in time for me- my family of origin are depressing and demanding people who have an awkwardly timed Christmas Day event (it’s not lunch, it’s not dinner) so as it’s easier with my DC’s naps and routine etc I decided to (politely) pull out and offered to see everybody on Boxing Day instead. DM threw a massive strop, accused me of being unbelievably selfish and told me not to bother with Boxing Day. Nice adult behaviour there and basically explains why it is I don’t want to see them at Christmas in the first place.

StillMe1 Sun 09-Dec-18 04:57:15

I had spent years being dutifully available for whatever event I was expected to be at or be involved in. I hated it. So much biting of the tongue, I have decided such is over for me. I just wont be there. I will do what I want on the day. I will not put up with having to sit among people I do not wish to be with. It follows then that I wont be listening to the whining of the self appointed entitled people I have previously endured in the name of family. They are the younger set not parents or piles of aged uncles and aunts

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