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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aiu to feel annoyed about Xmas plans

223 replies

XmasAnnoyances · 17/09/2019 16:58

The last 3 years it has fallen to me to host Xmas. So mum, dad, bro and his partner and their teenage child all at mine from Xmas Eve til boxing day.

Last year I did it all with 4 children, 1 a newborn. None of them bought anything, not even a cheap bottle of wine (although they got the kids lots of lovely presents!) Noone helped, I was cooking Xmas dinner while holding baby who would only be comforted by me. Baby was very unwell and after lunch I ended up taking her to a&e, she had a viral wheeze and after treatment we were discharged with inhaler and steroids. I returned to find all the washing up still piled high, mess everywhere, bro was pissed, DH was trying to help but looking after children. When we got back dad said "yay, she's back, we can have supper now!"

So this year I decided not to host and wait (hope) one of the others would do it.

My mum just called to say bro and his family are going to hers for xmas but that she can't cook for/accommodate everyone so we are invited to join them for a walk boxing day afternoon if we want.
I feel a bit peeved as we have no other family, DH is only child and his parents died before we had kids.

So aiu to feel irritated?I know hosting doesn't mean they have to return the invite but I feel a bit used. Also wibu to think sod it and start looking for holiday deals and sod the lot and go away?

OP posts:
Unknownanon · 18/09/2019 22:47

You need to correct her that you never invited anyone, your mum and dad don't want to host you and so you are going on holiday. After years of hosting, you are pleased for the break and look forward to invitations from everyone else next year.

She's a CF isnt she? Sticking her oar in while doing sweet FA on hosting alongside your lazy brother.

fedup21 · 18/09/2019 22:50

@Unknownanon

Absolutely!

iknowimcoming · 18/09/2019 22:51

18 years ago dd was 2 and Ds was 5 weeks and my ils were coming for Xmas - Ds screamed all night Xmas eve and dd joined in for good measure, dh and I were shattered. Ils arrived didn't lift a finger (as usual) and moaned repeatedly about lunch being late, and were generally a pita, following year we announced in October we weren't having guests on Xmas day any more, they could visit on boxing only. They moaned about it every year for about 6 years with wistful comments of 'we shall be alone at Xmas again I suppose'. But now they don't comment and ever since we have had fabulous Xmas days just the four of us. (Btw dh has a sister who is married with no dc and has never invited them for Xmas) Take a stand now OP you won't regret it!

RandomMess · 18/09/2019 22:54

I am fuming on your behalf!

Even if you simply reply to SIL "no idea what Mum is going on about as I hadn't invited anyone over on Christmas Eve, I guess everyone just assumes I would host yet again even after the debacle of last year when DC was so ill and still no one pitched in to help"

GreenTulips · 18/09/2019 22:55

I think you SIL has been quite sweet actually! As far as they were aware that had an invitation and accepted accordingly, they’ve only just realised their mistake. How they handle it now is up to them.

I’d just mention that no plans were in place, and you haven’t decided what you are doing except your parents aren’t hosting you or inviting to you Boxing Day meal.

Then I’d leave it and let them stew.

Redwinestillfine · 18/09/2019 23:15

I think you need to make it clear that this is the first you've heard of hosting anything this year, and that you hadn't invited anyone so not sure where mil got that from! Don't get drawn into what you feel about boxing day. That will give mil ammo.

timeisnotaline · 19/09/2019 00:38

Hi sil, mum isn’t being quite honest. After last year I told her I wasn’t hosting Christmas this year so she is miffed and didn’t invite us for Christmas or to lunch on Boxing Day. No idea why she invited you to ours Christmas Eve i was clear we aren’t hosting this year! She will just have to stay annoyed, I was at the hospital with baby last year and no one so much as washed a dish, I was a bit upset about it all. I’d love to see everyone but not hosting and that seems to be the only way mum wants to see us.

Nanamilly · 19/09/2019 04:28

Your mum appears to be an expert manipulator.

Id reply to SIL along the lines of -

Lovely, I decided last year we wouldn't be hosting again after I arrived home from the hospital to a request for tea and the lunch dishes still in the sink. It has nothing to do with mums plans for this year and her assumption we'd be ok with the plans she's made but I can understand why the timing of it all suggests otherwise.

We're still deciding on where to spend Christmas and it whether its at home or away somewhere remains to be seen.

Beautiful3 · 19/09/2019 06:19

Just been reading your updates. You're not invited to christmas day dinner. But she's invited herself AND your brothers family to yours for a christmas eve buffet??!!!!! Wow that absolutely takes the biscuit. You are not a doormat. Guests come for food ONLY when INVITED by the HOST. Think you ought to go away on holiday. Who cares about the panto! I would message the brother to say that, " there is no Christmas eve get together at my place. We might be going away. So dont know where mum's got that idea from?! Yes we still love you all too."

If it were only your family invited for xmas dinner with your brothers being excluded. I wonder if he would feel hurt too?!

RunningOutOfCharacte · 19/09/2019 06:30

Jeez. Your mum is something

I agree with the others. Your brother (pampered chosen one that he is) and his partner actually sound ok. It doesn't sound like they knew. Why would they? They get invited to Xmas eve somewhere I wouldn't feel the need to double check.

I'd tell her the truth. As you've told us. I would even say it fucking hurt that even when you had to dash to a&e no fucker got off their chair to help.

Then let mummy dearest deal with the rest. You didn't invite anyone. It's shocking she did that. And actually an indication of how much she thinks she can manipulate you.

What is your relationship like outside of Xmas? I mean this is just a snapshot but I have to say I'm finding it quite horrific.

Fatshedra · 19/09/2019 06:36

I don't think you would be unreasonable to say how stressful and worrying last Xmas was - that way you don't say what a bunch of lazy free loaders they were - and that you wanted a different Xmas this year.

I suspect they might find that Xmas without you and the DCs is a bit flat. So I would try to leave it as it is with no buffet and them doing their own thing.

Are they a bundle of laughs and play lots of games with the DCs when they are there or are they slumped on the sofa wiht the tv on. If the latter I would continue Xmas day wihtout them. Perhaps plan something a bit different in future years such as you have Xmas on your own and they come Boxing Day for a lunchtime buffet. The end.
I wouldn't have wanted lots of people there on Xmas eve as it would have wound up the DCs even more

fedup21 · 19/09/2019 07:33

Are you going to actually tell any of these pisstakers how you feel?

DramaFarmer · 19/09/2019 08:01

You have two issues now, the whole arrangement and your mother, and the misinformation of your SIL.

I would send them all a simultaneous message: Hi Family, just to clear up a few things as we all plan Christmas. I realise everyone is trying to make new plans since I have said I am not up to hosting again this year and need a year off.

When we heard that BIL and SIL would be at Mum’s for the day we considered maybe going away for Christmas as everyone else was ‘Spoken for’, and that would be fine with us. Especially as Boxing Day was taken up with your lunch at xxxx and we were not included in that arrangement. We hadn’t fully decided what to do yet do I haven’t either invited anyone or ruled out the buffet yet!

I will say that last year was a bit much, and I am not prepared to carer for everyone single handed. Having cooked last year and then having to take newborn Dd to hospital, to be met by the pile of washing up and requests for supper was too much. I love us all being together but we will need to all muck in in future. Give DH and I a couple of days to plan what we are up to and we’ll let you know. Between us We’ll find a way for us all to get together sometime over the Christmas season. Love xxx”

DramaFarmer · 19/09/2019 08:03

If you don’t tell them all at once manipulative rumours will go round and round and you will be the bad guy. Take control in one message to all.

Pumpkintopf · 19/09/2019 08:16

Dramafarmer's message above is good.

And I have to say @Retroraver93 's ideas for your cosy Christmas at home sound absolutely fabulous!

AwdBovril · 19/09/2019 08:35

I like @DramaFarmer's message.

Schoolchoicesucks · 19/09/2019 08:50

Wow OP your mother is quite something!

Db and his partner sound a bit passive/lazy/cheeky but not actually manipulative. Unless her message is completely disingenuous.

I would message her back along the lines of

  • Sorry you are being dragged into this. Not sure what mum is getting so upset about. I was clear with her that I wouldn't be hosting this year as I found it all a bit much and stressful last year especially with DC being ill. Mum seems to have decided to invite you guys on Xmas/Boxing Day. Obviously that's fine and her choice. We are thinking about going away for a few days or we might just have a quiet one at home. We'd never planned to host anyone on Xmas Eve so not sure why mum assumed that or thought she should invite you to ours for it. I haven't cancelled it in a fit of pique after not being invited to Mum's, it was never on the cards in the first place.

We do obviously want to see you all over Christmas, once we've decided when and whether we're going away, we'll be in touch and maybe we can all go for a pub lunch or something together.

ChicCroissant · 19/09/2019 12:34

Oh dear - looks like your mum has fed your SIL a bit of fiction there!

I agree with the PP that it's time to send the same message to everyone and DramaFarmer's message is good - you do need to make it clear that you have not cancelled Christmas Eve and that it was never on in the first place, you had no idea they were expecting to come round until you spoke to your mum the other night.

But - you do need to say what you want to do, OP - all this leaving them to guess isn't helping and it is making you more upset when they don't do what you are hoping for. Tell them what you want to do, they may not agree but at least they'll know then.

mankyfourthtoe · 19/09/2019 13:29

Apart from being justifiably annoyed about the lack of help last year, no invite this year, being excluded she now has decided to bad mouth you to your brother.
You need to rethink your relationship with her, she seems to see you as a dogsbody who does her bidding.
I don't think you need to go away as such if money is tight but set your stall out to all, so there's no guessing.

Dear mum and brother.
There seems to be some confusion over Xmas so I thought I'd make it clear to everyone.
I told mum how hard work last year was with hosting everyone and dc being rushed to hospital. I was upset that when we returned I was asked to make supper instead of someone making me a brew.
So we've decided not to host this year. Mum invited us for a walk after you've met for lunch, which unsurprisingly hurt me.
Then I'm informed that you're all still meeting at mine on Xmas eve, sorry no, I said I wasn't hosting this year. I haven't decided whether to use the considerable cost saving to go away with or just spend it on us all a family making new memories.
Anyway, I wanted to ensure that we were all on the same page.

Spingtrolls · 19/09/2019 13:41

It's not just your family though. It's your husband.
He stood by and watched the mother of his child cook when she had not long given birth.
Whilst you were in a&e he put no thought into what to feed his children.

Have you actually said to them you do the potatoes, you clear up this, you do that etc?

And now you are forever free from being taken advantage of by the family. Celebrate.

fedup21 · 19/09/2019 15:03

OP-what are you going to do?

Steenac7 · 19/09/2019 15:18

OP I would be honest with both your mother and your SIl. Just lay it out simply

  1. Last year was awful and hard on you so you didn’t want to host this year but were hoping you might get invited to parents/BIL as you’ve hosted the past few years
  1. Instead you find out you are being excluded from Christmas - not invited for Christmas dinner, not invited to Boxing Day lunch just for a walk
  1. You have found this incredibly hurtful
  1. So you’ve decided to think about going away for Christmas given how hard last year was and how upsetting it is to be excluded by your family this year
  1. You made this decision without any knowledge of your mothers plans for Christmas Eve.
ilikefastcars · 19/09/2019 22:10

Dear Sil
After hosting last Christmas and being expect to wait on everyone hand and foot with a sick child, I am not prepared to host Christmas again. This includes Christmas Eve. I had hoped everyone would muck in, but when I got back from a stressful hospital visit, no one had lifted a finger to clear up lunch and I was expected to start more cooking.
This year I had hoped it would be someone else's turn, but after discovering we were only invited for a walk, we have made alternative plans. I am feeling very hurt by the way I was treated last Christmas and this years plans are just the icing on the cake!
Yours, OP!

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