Aiu to feel annoyed about Xmas plans

[XmasAnnoyances]

The last 3 years it has fallen to me to host Xmas. So mum, dad, bro and his partner and their teenage child all at mine from Xmas Eve til boxing day.

Last year I did it all with 4 children, 1 a newborn. None of them bought anything, not even a cheap bottle of wine (although they got the kids lots of lovely presents!) Noone helped, I was cooking Xmas dinner while holding baby who would only be comforted by me. Baby was very unwell and after lunch I ended up taking her to a&e, she had a viral wheeze and after treatment we were discharged with inhaler and steroids. I returned to find all the washing up still piled high, mess everywhere, bro was pissed, DH was trying to help but looking after children. When we got back dad said "yay, she's back, we can have supper now!"

So this year I decided not to host and wait (hope) one of the others would do it.

My mum just called to say bro and his family are going to hers for xmas but that she can't cook for/accommodate everyone so we are invited to join them for a walk boxing day afternoon if we want.
I feel a bit peeved as we have no other family, DH is only child and his parents died before we had kids.

So aiu to feel irritated?I know hosting doesn't mean they have to return the invite but I feel a bit used. Also wibu to think sod it and start looking for holiday deals and sod the lot and go away?

Have you told your Mum and Dad how you feel about last year?

And your bro? Tell him just how hard it was to host everyone with a newborn and no one helped?

They are taking you for granted.

They probably haven’t invited you to the posh lunch because if all the young kids.

But in our family they would suggest something that was suitable for everyone.

I say be calm and factual. You have hosted for 3 years and done all the hard work with no help, and after last year when you had a dreadful upset and still came home to a request fir supper you need a break this year.

Book a cottage. Have a wonderful restful time with your kids. Do it in a positive way.

1. Be direct and factual about how it was last year
2. Happily recognise that as you said no to hosting this year there isn’t anyone else who can fit you all in, not unusual with 4 kids, that’s fine, so be happy to do your thing.

How hurtful if your parents. Ungrateful and nasty imo. Have a lovely family Christmas- fwiw ever since I dropped hosting and dropped visiting on the big 3 days, Christmas has been soooo much nicer. We have a full family few says together and it's bonding that doesn't really happen at other times. Staying home and playing/ eating/ singing/ reading just all together for a few days is magical.

Definitely book a holiday!

OP I think my SIL may see DH and I as your brother in this scenario. She has hosted a number of Christmases and invited us and PIL. She had the bigger 5 bed house (we were in a 2 bed flat), had kids a decade before we did and said that her DC (now older teens) were happiest waking in their own house on Christmas Day. We contributed £ towards the meal and brought wine etc. We helped with the meal preparation on Christmas Eve and washing up on Christmas Day. It also meant it was always us travelling (4+ hours each way). However I don't doubt that it was a lot of effort for SIL and she felt some annoyance about always having to host.

We now live in a 3 bed house and had all the in-laws over in the summer - it meant us sleeping in the dining room and my nieces in the lounge. They don't get up before 11am. It was fine in the summer as we could spill into the garden and eat outdoors too, but would still struggle to host them 10 for a sit down meal at Christmas.

We've said in the past we will put some of them up at ours if some were willing to stay in a hotel (either PIL or SIL AND BIL) and we would book a restaurant for Christmas lunch. They all said no.

We said we were considering going away for Christmas or spending it with my family - again shrieks of outrage at not spending it with them. We can't really win. If you can get away with a holiday, go for it!

This is your chance to make a new tradition - socialising with them over Xmas can now just be a boxing Day walk every year!

I haven't told my parents I'm annoyed, it would lead to them either getting defensive or they would begrudgingly involve us, I honestly don't want anyone with us who doesn't want to be. Bro is too insensitive to have picked up that I was annoyed.
They know last year was hard, but I felt like my trip with DD to a&e was an inconvenience more than a worry to them because I was gone several hours and wasn't there to wait on them.
I get I have alot of kids, so that if they want a grown up Xmas that's fine, it just feels like I was a bit used. I didn't host because I expected them to host back but it does hurt that they have chosen to do their own Xmas without us.
DH is rightly concerned about cost of going away, but we will have a look. Am hoping for a cosy cottage somewhere.

Stay at home and do not host. Dont go away to avoid them. Be firm and tell them you are done with hosting.

Simple.

You don't need to go away to not host them. They've already shown you that they don't care since you are not hosting them.

If you do find it too costly when you check out the price of an away break then how about creating a "cosy cottage" feel at home? Lock the door over the festive period and create a Christmas cocoon inside away from the rest of the world.

The house will be decorated already with tree/s, twinkly lights etc (I love all the Christmas decorations, especially the super cosy Scandinavian look and vintage style baubles). You could do some Christmas crafts, read Christmas stories, sing Christmas songs together. Go to the panto or a Christmas carol family service.

It would be great fun to get everyone together in the livingroom at night on Christmas Eve with their jammies and woolly socks on and some fluffy blankets and have a Christmas movie night with some snacks, hot chocolate, marshmallows and cream.
There are some lovely Christmas food treats appearing in the shops now to enjoy.

Get some battery operated safety candles and have them all over the place to make the house look extra magical.

The kids will love having you all to themselves on the day to play with them with all their new toys and you could get some new or old board games out later on in the day to play too.

You could make some gingerbread biscuits beforehand or decorate a gingerbread house and the house will smell lovely too.

You can always get out for a breather on a family walk somewhere nearby too on Boxing Day or before.

Maybe get away for a relaxing soak in the bath with your favourite bubbles and a candle at some point too.

You could have a simplified dinner on Christmas Day of what you really like to eat without being hours stressed out in the kitchen preparing and tidying and then cuddle up with your DH on the sofa once the kids are in bed with a glass of bubbly or a hot cuppa and enjoy your home without all the extra people to entertain.

As pp have said you don't have to go away to have a great Christmas and to make your own traditions. It's your chance to do all the things as a family you want to do and maybe don't usually get the time to do as you're so busy hosting.

Hoping you have a lovely Christmas together whatever you decide to do. Fingers crossed it's a white one

Jeez, go for it! They sound really hard work!
We've been tempted to do this! 🙈

Read your updates and go smacked by their rudeness! Defo go away if you can!

I hope you don't ever host for them again op. Remember that you weren't invited to their plan this year when next Xmas rolls around

Thanks. I spoke to my mum again and she asked if we were joining them boxing day. I said I didn't know as it's September and I don't want to plan too much, might go away etc. Said we are still deciding what to do. Uproar that we might go away, apparently she was planning to visit Xmas Eve and has booked tickets for day after boxing day to take us to a panto which was going to be a surprise. I said I would talk to DH and let her know what we decide. She became quiet after and got off the phone quite quickly. So now, I get cut out of Xmas plans and still I'm the bad guy!

Even if you're planning on staying at home. I'd just say you're away.

She's taking the piss. She's punishing you for not putting up with them and doing what's easier for her. Still didn't mention that lunch, either.

Jesus, just tell her: we've made our own plans for Xmas as the hosting is too much.

She's a manipulative cow.

It's a pity you're wussing round here, but not surprising. She needs to be told: 'We hosted for all those years, you lot never even brought so much as a bottle of cheap wine or washed a plate yet expected me to wait on you as soon as I walked in the door with a sick newborn yet we're not even good enough to invite to the same lunch you invited my brother and his, too, nope, we're instead expected to travel to you for a poxy walk. Now you're throwing your teddies out your pram because I'm not making myself and family cuddle mats to wrap round your plans and as and when it suits you. Grow up and stop stropping like a selfish teenager! We're making out own plans as a family rather than showing my kids it's their role in life to be someone's doormat!

Tell her you're away no matter what before you allow her to bend over backwards to accommodate her yet another holiday.

If people plan non-predictable surprises for you, they can't complain when you have something else planned!
Sounds like the cogs may be turning and she is realising what she has done.
So she had even planned to come to yours on xmas eve and not told you? So you would have had hosting to do then? Is she for real?! Most people wait for an invitation!

Make the most of the opportunity - your own family Christmas or a holiday away - perfect! We (DP, two DS) re all going to Norway and leaving everyone here for 2 weeks :)

Book a holiday, lots of nice cottages about.

The Xmas Eve thing has really annoyed me because she had just assumed I would be ok for her to come over. Usually everyone arrives Xmas Eve and I do a big buffet in the afternoon/evening. I think she had assumed this would still be happening! Also the panto thing... We go as a family every year but she has never come (I have invited) because she doesn't like them??

Enjoy your relaxed family Christmas, you won't look back! Decide about the walk on the day - Meh!

I love timshelthechoice's post!

Enjoy your family Christmas without the stress - you can spend the day giving your attention to each other rather than running around after everyone. We stay home Christmas day and even though we do have a Christmas dinner it gets cooked when it gets cooked, usually for early Eve and we just spend all day playing with DC toys and watching Christmas TV.

I bet brother has spoken to her and asked what was happening so now she knows you know about he fancy Boxing Day meal etc. So she's trying to make you feel guilty and look you ARE included honest

Sorry it all sounds like bullshit and very manipulative.

Enjoy whatever you do. I totally agree with just staying at home and locking the doors. We sometimes do that. And it's bliss

Your DM is a dick.

I wouldn’t go away, I would stay at home with DH and DC and not join in your DM’s games. To me, this is a deliberate move to ‘punish’ you for not doing what they all want: for not knowing your place. It is actually a very mean spirited and nasty move. I certainly wouldn’t be spending my Christmas with them (your DPs).