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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let holiday plans fall through because of a pissy email?

218 replies

Mummy536 · 17/09/2019 15:48

Long story short I went very low contact with my controlling parents soon after my first child was born. They were very upset and pissed off with me of course but they have given me the space I needed.

We've recently moved much closer to them because of my job (now 3h away as opposed to 12h) and they offered to take us on holiday. DH is keen, I am more reluctant, but on balance, as I can't avoid them visiting for a few days without feeling like a cow, I thought a holiday would be a way to keep us busy so things wouldn't get too intense, so I said I was open to the idea.

So DF says on Monday he's going to make reservations and let him know in 2 days. I've had a ridiculously busy time at work and my hands are full with DS when I get home so I've not had a chance to think about it much.

I've just had a pissy email from DF for not replying. Now I don't feel like going. They provoke a violent, petulant reaction inside me that wants to cut off all contact, and I hate it - I thought I was feeling a bit better about them but it turns out I'm not.

I feel guilty about DH who is exhausted and worried about money and could use a free holiday and DS who barely knows his GPs. Should I suck it up and agree to go?

OP posts:
Hederex · 17/09/2019 15:51

God no don't go. It won't be better on holiday because you're busy. It will be far, far worse. I can tell you this from experience.

Going from LC to a holiday is like getting married for a first date.

dollydaydream114 · 17/09/2019 16:02

Regardless of the pissy email, I'd say don't go on holiday with people that were sufficiently controlling to make you drastically reduce contact with them.

Just because you are related to someone, it doesn't mean you will get along with them. You clearly don't get along with your parents and I cannot see how going on holiday with them isn't going to make it worse. Mumsnet is full of people who fall out with people they DO get on with after going on holiday with them, and I can't see that holidaying with your parents, who clearly make you anxious and annoyed, would be a good idea.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 17/09/2019 16:04

Don’t go. A holiday with family can be difficult if you do get on.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/09/2019 16:04

God no, don't go.

None of you will find it relaxing.

Find a way to take a couple of days off for your DH if he's exhausted and would have taken time off for the holiday anyway.

WarshipWarrior · 17/09/2019 16:07

Personally I'd go. You sound like a rebelling teenager - imagine if you were on the other end of this "I'd look to invite you on a free holiday please let me know some dates" "yep will do....." then no reply. You deserve to have a bit of a pissy email. Suck it up this once - if they genuinely are rude etc to you for no reason during or after the holiday then go low contact again but I think for your sons sake and your partner just give it 1 go.

MarthasGinYard · 17/09/2019 16:08

'I feel guilty about DH who is exhausted and worried about money and could use a free holiday'

I think that's a really shitty attitude personally. You obviously are like a coiled spring when it comes to your parents so why on earth would you holiday with them?

Oh, because it's 'free' Sad

I'd save up for your own holiday and let them enjoy theirs.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 17/09/2019 16:09

I think they would have a better holiday without someone who didn’t really want to be there, to be honest. Sounds like they are doing their best.

Treaclebee · 17/09/2019 16:11

Don't go. Don't let them reel you back in with promises of free holidays, it's more than your mental health is worth.

This is a charity that supports people who are estranged from there families, have a look and see if they might be helpful www.standalone.org.uk/

HereWeGoNow · 17/09/2019 16:20

YABU. It was rude not to reply to his email. If you're too busy, ask your DH to reply. You've stopped your DS and Parents having a relationship because you feel like it. It is a free holiday for your DH who needs a break and is worrying about finances. Can your DH and DS go without you? Everyone else is looking forward to the holiday. You're cutting off your nose to spite your face. You need to sort your anger and control issues.

VeniVidiVoxi · 17/09/2019 16:20

Are you me? weird.

A holiday won't make you like them any more, i can 99% promise you that! Don't do it. Find another way.

But if you do go, set boundaries for yourself, have a place you can retreat to and plan some time away from them.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/09/2019 16:23

They're reeling you in again. If you go you'll be giving them enough control to set you back. I wouldn't have agreed to go before the pissy email.

BiddyPop · 17/09/2019 16:24

You and DH both book leave from work.
Don't tell DPs that you are doing this.
Perhaps leave DC in childcare 1 day to enjoy some quiet time at home, or going out as a couple to do something (just enjoying where you live, not a major spending outing).
Bring DC out and about to local museums (often free) or parks or playgrounds or scenic spots or historic locations in the area.

Perhaps bring picnics with you on outings, or research cheap(er) places to go nearby for food than the "on the main thoroughfare right next to the entrance" tearooms.

And do some relaxing things at home you don't get a chance to - watch a movie together, cook nice meals (often can be as cheap as regular meals but nicer when you have time to cook properly or use cheap cuts but slow cook them and adding side dishes etc), bake with DC, etc.

Make your holiday a staycation and don't put yourself under pressure to go with DPs who sound very intense, and who will be very controlling (not even giving you the 2 days they specified to get back to them!) so making it not an enjoyable experience and you coming home even more stressed and upset and exhausted than before you go.

Scarlett555 · 17/09/2019 16:24

I would love my parents to take an interest in my kids and offer to take us on holiday.

I would hate to stand in the way of my kids having a good relationship with their GPs.

Unless there is a huge backstory you sound really cold and ungrateful.

Ponoka7 · 17/09/2019 16:27

How controlling were they?

TooSweetToBeSour · 17/09/2019 16:27

Slightly confused by the timeline.

Scenario A:
DF contacted you yesterday (Monday) and said you’d have two days to reply, and is already chasing you and being pissy a day later = YANBU, avoid like the plague

Scenario B:
DF contacted you LAST Monday and said you’d have two days to reply and over a week later you still haven’t, YABVU and I’d be sending you more than a pissy email!

I think based on your post it’s probably B, but I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt.

category12 · 17/09/2019 16:31

If they're genuinely controlling and toxic, then you are doing your child a disservice by promoting a relationship with them.

And you are falling for the oldest trick in the book by being reeled in with an expensive present.

MakeLemonade · 17/09/2019 16:31

I don’t think your DF sounds like he was BU - he communicated clearly, told you the timeframe he was working to. Surely you weren’t too busy to email back saying ‘sorry, had a hectic couple of days, can I let you know by Friday?’ or whatever even if you couldn’t respond properly.

BumbleBeee69 · 17/09/2019 16:33

I will always cut off my nose to spite my face, so I wouldn't go OP. Flowers

EmmiJay · 17/09/2019 16:34

Could this maybe be a 'make or break' holiday? Go with them see how it goes and take it from there? Unless it goes horrendously wrong and then you go completely NC.

Original poster
Mummy536 · 17/09/2019 16:35

@27TooSweetToBeSour it's A. They actually first contacted me in weekend, after taking to DH I said on Sunday we were interested, sent them some passport info, account they went to a travel agent on Monday. I thought I'd have until Wednesday to get back to then, which is why I'm feeling a bit aggrieved.

OP posts:
SynchroSwimmer · 17/09/2019 16:37

If the holiday is in UK and say for a week, could you go for just three days...a manageable amount of time....to see how it all works out and you have an end in sight?

If it’s a 2 week holiday abroad, could you just go for the one week?

BirdandSparrow · 17/09/2019 16:39

Unless there is a huge backstory you sound really cold and ungrateful. Did you mis the bit about them being so controlling she's gone very low contact with them?

Original poster
Mummy536 · 17/09/2019 16:42

The expense of the holiday is not the reason I agreed - they often is an even bigger one last year that we turned down.

I thought that a holiday - a cruise actually - would be a more controlled environment. They wouldn't want to get into an argument. It would be full of activities. We can focus on keeping DS happy without trying to make small talk at home or organise things to do outside my home. Basically it would keep things lighter and keep off the pressure of actually having a real conversation with them. The alternative is that they stay somewhere nearby and because of the distance they've travelled and his much they want to see DS, I would have to entertain them for a week. Which feels worse to me. But I know from MN how things can go disastrously wrong on holidays.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 17/09/2019 16:43

If they are bad enough to have gone LC then you'd be mad to go on holiday with them simply because it's free and your Dh is tired. The holiday won't give your parents a personality transplant so they will still be the same people you wanted to stay away from. Problem on holiday is that youll be stuck within close quarters so tensions could flare. If you want to start seeing more of them for Ds sake, do it on your own turf, where you can get away from them asap if needs be. Though why you would want your ds to have a relationship with them given they are controlling and you are LC is beyond me.

Original poster
Mummy536 · 17/09/2019 16:43

It's just under 1 week. They may try to stay for a bit longer but I want to discourage that.

OP posts: