To let holiday plans fall through because of a pissy email?

[Mummy536]

Long story short I went very low contact with my controlling parents soon after my first child was born. They were very upset and pissed off with me of course but they have given me the space I needed.

We've recently moved much closer to them because of my job (now 3h away as opposed to 12h) and they offered to take us on holiday. DH is keen, I am more reluctant, but on balance, as I can't avoid them visiting for a few days without feeling like a cow, I thought a holiday would be a way to keep us busy so things wouldn't get too intense, so I said I was open to the idea.

So DF says on Monday he's going to make reservations and let him know in 2 days. I've had a ridiculously busy time at work and my hands are full with DS when I get home so I've not had a chance to think about it much.

I've just had a pissy email from DF for not replying. Now I don't feel like going. They provoke a violent, petulant reaction inside me that wants to cut off all contact, and I hate it - I thought I was feeling a bit better about them but it turns out I'm not.

I feel guilty about DH who is exhausted and worried about money and could use a free holiday and DS who barely knows his GPs. Should I suck it up and agree to go?

@Derbee I appreciate your advice. Part of me wants to just say yes, let's go and maybe we'll all enjoy it. DS will have a great time running around a giant ship and getting to know his GPs, and DH and I will get to laugh at the cheesiness of cruises (I've done it once, he has not, and probably would never want to bother if it wasn't a freebie.)

So he wants to work towards the same for me and DS and my parents
But your history and his are totally different. Whatever he wants is coloured by the reality of your relationship with your DParents.

You seem gleeful at the prospect of a free holiday. They obviously still know how to control you.

@NoDontLookAtMeImShy thank you. Really appreciate hearing the other side.

@Mummy536 Thanks. I know some have jumped on what I’ve said, but you seem to be torn. Sounds like part of you wants to go, and let your DS spend time with his GPs. Another part feels very defensive of anything your parents say or do and it’s stressing you out before you even decide to go.

My family (parents, siblings, partners, children etc) all go on holiday together when we can, so I understand I’m looking at it from a rosy perspective compared to your reality.

I just think i would try it, as it seems a good opportunity whilst you’re close, and could spend time on a cruise rather than them coming to your house etc. But obviously only you know if there something you can do. Goodluck

@Justmuddlingalong

Where have I said that? My last post is wishful thinking. I've also said that it would be a relief if the decision was taken out of my hands and I didn't feel I had to go. I said it would be more of an ordeal than a holiday. I also said my husband wouldn't normally consider a cruise unless it was free. And I've said or implied in almost every post that is more about making my parents happy and facilitating a relationship with my DS. I've not said anywhere that it would make me happy.

*if that’s something you can do.

Unless there is a huge backstory you sound really cold and ungrateful. Did you miss the bit about them being so controlling she's gone very low contact with them?

I can't help wondering if the problem largely lies with the OP. Perhaps they just expect a little respect and a timely response? For her DS and DH's sake, she should go and suck it up. And try to be a bit nice to everyone!

@35Hederex

I am still in quite close contact with my parents because I can honestly say that whatever their faults...critical, perfectionist, opinionated etc, their intentions are good.

I thought I was moving towards that. I know that in spite of everything, they did what they thought was right at the time. I have a lovely friend who advised me that I need to accept them to find peace for myself.

*It's taken me decades to come to terms with the fact that I'm not a worthless person and I am capable.

Now I have, I have been able to change the dynamic with my parents by pushing back gently when they say or do something upsetting.*

I would love to do this too but I don't know how. Do you disagree? Do you tell them they have upset you?

@Jaxhog

I can't help wondering if the problem largely lies with the OP. Perhaps they just expect a little respect and a timely response? For her DS and DH's sake, she should go and suck it up.

We'll that's why I posted in AIBU - i feel conflicted about pleasing everyone else (which I always seem to do) vs pleasing myself

And try to be a bit nice to everyone!

Kind of hard when you're on the receiving end of constant criticism, but thanks for the advice, I'll try to suck it up next time.

It's not a free holiday though is it- and I'd be very wary they'll use it to control you even more. It's already started with the change of dates. When you are there if you don't do what they want they'll pile on the guilt that they paid for it so you should be doing what they want. They could also use it in the future- well we paid for the holiday so you must do a) b) c).

You said a cruise wouldn't be considered if it wasn't a freebie. Perhaps think if you would pay to go with them, if the holiday wasn't a freebie. Gifts come with bows, it sounds like this one comes with strings.

I wouldn’t take a very small child on a cruise anyway, I don’t think it would be very relaxing even without your parents.

Don’t go on holiday with your parents.

You went LC for a reason!

Your DH means we’ll I’m sure, but actually he’s just undermining you and invalidating your feelings

Your DS can have lots of people who love him, non toxic people. I have a firm belief that Friends are the Family you choose for yourself.

Your DH is not you and he doesn’t get to ‘be worried’ you’re cutting your parents out it’s your choice, he should respect that, not basically tell you to get over it. That’s so dismissive

Don’t go. Go on whatever holiday you can afford by yourselves - borrow camping gear if think you’d enjoy camping. See some of your temporary location. .

My last post is wishful thinking. I've also said that it would be a relief if the decision was taken out of my hands and I didn't feel I had to go
Oh please! All you had to say was sounds great, but don't have enough holiday days left to take, or DH feels seasick, or whatever other excuse you could easily have come up with.

I'm going to try to not let the cost of the holiday guilt me. It's only money and they have a lot of it. I'm only considering this because of feeling some obligation to my parents and my DS (misplaced or not).

OP, you have the upper hand here and you’re in control not them. You can decide whether they have a relationship or not with your son. They sound desperate to reconnect even if it’s not coming across that way and old habits die hard.

My husband has redefined his relationship with his parents who, FIL in particular is naturally very controlling but generous and good at heart, loving and kind grandparents.

My husband is quite bolshy with them and pushes back if they start to rattle him and they suck it up. It’s embarrassing at times but what I see is that they don’t really have any choice because they want to have the relationships.

If your father sends a pissy email just send one back. You asked me to come back to you by Wednesday. You’ve changed the timings. I need to make sure we can make sure those dates works for us. I’ll revert as requested. If you need to know today then best to count us out.

That kind of thing and see how they deal with that?

When you have grown up battered by your parents with criticism the utter panic you have when dealing with them is immense. You constantly want to make them happy whilst every bit of you screams to run away.

Unless you have experienced you cannot imagine how hard it is to think of "reasonable" excuses.

Read up on FOG - fear obligation guilt...

You will be trapped on that cruise ship with them!

@swingofthings yes I know, I can make up excuses too! If you'd read any of my previous posts you'd see I feel a lot of guilt depriving my parents, my DS and my DH out of a lovely time. Everyone wants to go except me. It's hard to say no, especially when the real reasons are in the past or in my head.

@cheeseandpineapple

Thank you! Really appreciate the practical advice. I am going to use your example!

@Mummy536

But it's not your DH's place to decide what your relationship with your parents is. He's given his opinion but now his job is to support you in your decision. Not to undermine it or try to get you to change your mind. You know what is right for you.

My DH hasn't spoken to his brother in 25 years. Did I think 25 years ago that their differences could be worked through and patched up? Yes I did and told him so. But it was DH's decision and I kept my feelings to myself and supported him once he'd made up his mind.

And I appreciate your insight too. I didn't know how to write about "having the upper hand" without feeling awful about the idea of using DS as a card. I really don't want anything, not holidays, or money, I just want to be left alone by them. I just need to develop some backbone.

I wouldn't go. I have a difficult relationship with my mother, and am low contact by our old standards (see her for about a hour every week or two) I keep conversation very bland. I think what is called medium chill or grey rock. It's the only way I can keeoa relationship going with her.
Every now and again I forget myself and open myself up a little, and without fail she ramps up the spite and criticism.
I regret allowing my mother's behavior around my young children to go unchallenged. I tried to keep the peace and inadvertently taught them to accept poor treatment, as keeping her happy over rode their feelings.
My adult children and I have developed a semblance of a relationship with her now, which keeps her happy enough and eases our guilt, but anything beyond that, let alone a holiday, and things would certainly blow.
People who have grown up in stable families often can't understand this. Btw I read it that it was scenario A, re timescale.

The consensus seems to be don't go. But what's the alternative?

You’ve got some excellent reasons to say no - just the age of your DS and the climbing thing, you can use that.

In terms of next steps, if your DH is keen to facilitate the relationship fur your sake and your DS’s sake, then I suggest they could come hit a week, stay nearby, YOU DO NOT BOOK TIME OFF WORK, and your DH does most of the days out/entertaining. You can say what you like - an urgent matter unexpectedly come up and work cannot do without you - so your time with them is extremely limited. Book something unmissable for the end of their stay (invent a friends wedding a weekend break away if need be) so their trip cannot extend.

This is only if your DH is willing to help.

Alternatively you can book a trip to them, stay elsewhere and make it part of a bigger holiday so it is a really fleeting visit. That way you’re in control of coming and going.

Agree with @RandomMess (both posts)