To let holiday plans fall through because of a pissy email?

[Mummy536]

Long story short I went very low contact with my controlling parents soon after my first child was born. They were very upset and pissed off with me of course but they have given me the space I needed.

We've recently moved much closer to them because of my job (now 3h away as opposed to 12h) and they offered to take us on holiday. DH is keen, I am more reluctant, but on balance, as I can't avoid them visiting for a few days without feeling like a cow, I thought a holiday would be a way to keep us busy so things wouldn't get too intense, so I said I was open to the idea.

So DF says on Monday he's going to make reservations and let him know in 2 days. I've had a ridiculously busy time at work and my hands are full with DS when I get home so I've not had a chance to think about it much.

I've just had a pissy email from DF for not replying. Now I don't feel like going. They provoke a violent, petulant reaction inside me that wants to cut off all contact, and I hate it - I thought I was feeling a bit better about them but it turns out I'm not.

I feel guilty about DH who is exhausted and worried about money and could use a free holiday and DS who barely knows his GPs. Should I suck it up and agree to go?

I have found that emails can sometimes be misunderstood. Are you sure they were just not very excited at the thought of you all meeting up for the holiday and wanted to get on with booking it? They are not 'buying you' when paying for your holiday, they just want to do something nice for you, same as when they didn't want return of previous money.

OK, but I have an extremely normal relationship with my DPs - they are neither overly involved or distant, I feel supported emotionally but we all recognise that everyone is an adult etc.

We recently went on a paid-for trip with my parents (Me, DH, 2 x DC, plus other family members). This is not the first time my DPs have paid to have the privilege - ha! - of their GC on holiday.

They said they wanted to pay, gave a few caveats on dates, and that was it. Left the rest of it - ALL of it - to us, the parents of the people who are most demanding/tricky/have the most needs. Then transferred the money so I could book it and that was it. I think in previous years they may have been the ones booking, but same drill, basically.

OK, we'd agreed the destination in advance. But there wasn't any pressure, there weren't any stressful emails, there wasn't any drama.

And that's how the holiday went too. Space when you wanted it, bit of compromise when it needed it, some "We'll be doing this at X time".

I'd go on a cruise with my parents. But I don't think I'd go on a cruise with OP's parents! Different kettle of fish entirely.

They sound like they’ve taken your feelings into account, and are trying to make amends. You’ve given the impression that you will accept their bridge building, and agreed to go on holiday. Now you’re changing your mind. You’ve kept their money, you’ve accepted a holiday, and now you’re messing up the chance for some potential positive steps forward because of how you’ve chosen to respond to an email.

Give them their money back, and let everyone move on.

I'd also give them their money back

Why on earth would you not under these circumstances.

Grim

Fear of what it meant I guess. There was a gap between when they gave us the money and when we feel out, and then another gap when I decided to go LC. The decision to go LC was not tied to anything specific - just a long period post partum and feeling hounded and run down by them. I don't know if they would have made the connection unless I explained or to them. I did think about it constantly and even consulted MN - it was a fairly split opinion. I had to put it to the back of my mind to focus on baby.

Because I was thinking about the money and my relationship with my parents obsessively.

*fell out

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I'm sure your parents are hard work but instead of just being low contact could you set some boundaries? Challenge them on criticism for example.

I've watched a LC grandparent relationship within my own family and it's painful. The grandparents love the kids so much and the kids love them back but are held back because of issues with the grownups.

Think about it this way if your child one day goes LC on you, you don't know why and they make it difficult for you to spend time with your grandchildren how would you feel?

There's also a grandparent in my family that's barely interested. We all wish they'd take more of an interest and it's hard work trying to engage them and explaining to the kids why such a person forgot their birthdays etc. At least yours care.

Have you thought if seeing someone to try addressing your own feelings, dealing with boundaries etc? Are they just a bit critical or are they abusive?

I think a cruise sounds like a nice low-pressure way to try to reintroduce some contact, if you are willing to give it a go. It might be worth it to you to give your DCs a chance of having a relationship with their GPs. I would grit my teeth and give a light apology. "So sorry, things are crazy here, yes thank you that sounds wonderful. " I often feel like holidays (or even nights out) feel too much like hard work in the run up, even without a strained relationship to deal with. But once I'm off doing it I'm glad I went to the trouble. You sound a bit overwhelmed and I'm sure this seems like just one more thing to deal with. But if it goes well and you end up sipping a frozen drink while watching your kids play with their grandparents, you will be glad you went to the trouble of organising it.

Yes you should go fir DH sake and especially for DS they love their grandparents you are depriving him of a relationship

Low pressure being trapped on holiday with people that stamp all over your boundaries

5 emails demanding a response before the given deadline...

There is nowhere to escape in a cruise, trust me. No matter how much you want to avoid them you will always have to sit at the same table for dinner with them.

I am, frankly, very surprised to see how many people would go on holiday with people whose company they do not enjoy for the sake of it being free.

A cruise is about the worst possible holiday to go on with people you don't get on with. You would be completely mad to do this.

Agreed. A floating Hell.

Depends how big the cruise line is, some hosts over 5,000 people, easy to loose a few!

Yes, I have been in one of those, it is still very difficult to avoid people who do not want to be avoided.

Your feelings are your feelings. They are valid. Stick with your gut. Better that than have everyone go mad with tension! Explain to DH if he truly is a D then he’ll understand.

What happensd in the end, OP?