To let holiday plans fall through because of a pissy email?

[Mummy536]

Long story short I went very low contact with my controlling parents soon after my first child was born. They were very upset and pissed off with me of course but they have given me the space I needed.

We've recently moved much closer to them because of my job (now 3h away as opposed to 12h) and they offered to take us on holiday. DH is keen, I am more reluctant, but on balance, as I can't avoid them visiting for a few days without feeling like a cow, I thought a holiday would be a way to keep us busy so things wouldn't get too intense, so I said I was open to the idea.

So DF says on Monday he's going to make reservations and let him know in 2 days. I've had a ridiculously busy time at work and my hands are full with DS when I get home so I've not had a chance to think about it much.

I've just had a pissy email from DF for not replying. Now I don't feel like going. They provoke a violent, petulant reaction inside me that wants to cut off all contact, and I hate it - I thought I was feeling a bit better about them but it turns out I'm not.

I feel guilty about DH who is exhausted and worried about money and could use a free holiday and DS who barely knows his GPs. Should I suck it up and agree to go?

I think you should hold your tongue and go. See what it’s like. If it’s awful, revert to LC. If they’re nice to your son and he enjoys it, that’s a positive start. I think you sound a bit highly strung tbh. Your partner clearly thinks so too, but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. If you’re an adult and you’ve got yourself together, I’d try and build a bridge and see how it goes, for the sake of your DS.

Derbee serious question. Do you have children yourself and are they adults?

I have a family I had to go no contact with. When we were in contact I made the massive mistake of going on holiday with them.

Sweet god was it hellish. And I was stuck till we could leave.

It did not relax me or provide me with the much needed rest.

Amazing friend took me away on a short vacation afterwards to get over the horror of that ‘holiday’.

@SeekingShade thanks, yes that's it exactly. I try to please people around me to much, and going LC was the first time time I put my happiness above theirs. So this holiday is just me trying to please them at my expense again.

@AcrossthePond55

Honestly my DH is not putting any pressure on this at all - he just thought it sounded like a nice idea and was looking forward to it. Ok maybe it's just a bit of unintentional pressure. But I think he's worried that I am shutting the door to my parents completely. And I think he wants me to try to rise above it and not live in the past (not his words).

Don’t go - they’ll hold it against you for the rest of your life...... ‘remember the time we took you on holiday?.....’

As someone VLC with my parents as their constant criticism of me and zero emotional support has had a huge life long impact on me, don't go.

I moved closer we met for a meal half way with my 4 DC pre teens/teens. They also invited my brother (???). It took me a week to get over the impact it had in me and my eldest said she could now see why I didn't want my parents near them.

That gut reaction tells you that you are not mentally and emotionally strong to cope with a holiday with them!

I think you were very rude not to reply to the email and can see why your dad is annoyed. An email takes, what? Ten? Fifteen mins? I am sure you could have found that time.

The bruises left by emotional abuse aren't seen. But they are still there and they still hurt.

@frazzledasarock haha, yes I agree, this is not a holiday for me, it's an ordeal to get through. It's right before Christmas as well, so I was actually looking at other holidays just to get over this one.

The consensus seems to be don't go.

But what's the alternative? Don't see them at all until I'm ready? I didn't mention that we're in this part of the world for a limited time - when we go back to the UK, they'll visit every other year at best.

@RandomMess thanks, I really appreciate that.

@CarolDanvers what’s the relevance?

It sounds like your DH just doesn't get it. My DH doesn't 'get it' either a lot of the time. He says 'I don't know why you can't just go and make the best of things'. You can't explain it really to people who haven't experienced it. Go with your instincts OP. Sounds like they're spot on.

My 2 youngest DC haven't seen my parents apart from my wedding day (didn't want to hurt them by excluding them but mother still managed to upset me) then at the meal 7/8 years later.

I have to put my own well being first I just cannot cope with seeing them despite therapy. Yes I am very sad that things aren't different but you wouldn't let other people treat you or your DC like that so what makes it different if they are related?

Most of all have therapy, as much as you need. Perhaps you can get to the point where their behaviour is like water of a ducks back

@thatmustbenigelwiththebrie and everyone else who said I was rude not to reply sooner, I was wavering on the dates that my father offered because they were a lot later than he first mentioned (late December rather than October) and right before Christmas, so it interferes with our Christmas plans. So I wanted to talk to DH about it again but not at work. And he sent his followup email 18h after his first one, and a good 12h before the deadline he gave me.

So yes I think he is being a bit controlling.

I recognise myself in your posts, OP. I am expecting a similar offer soon, since promises of other gifts haven't worked (we refused the gifts).

I also recognise that if you have controlling or disapproving parents, there is often a powerful need to make them like you and approve of you. Don't give in to this- I only realised that it was never going to work out well when my parents started to control my children too, and to play favourites with them. I now understand that if my parents were ever going to accept me as I am, they would have done so when I was a child. I thought that doing what they wanted would make them love me, but it just makes them despise me. They know how to make me feel guilt or shame and they do it in quite a calculated way. I won't expose my children to that.

The most liberating thing you can do with toxic families is often to accept that sometimes there is no happy ending. What makes them happy makes you utterly miserable. (As a side issue, I wouldn't want to have a toddler on a cruise ship, because mine were all climbers). A cruise ship is a relatively confined space when you want to get away from someone who doesn't also want to get away from you.

I think your husband is being extremely selfish here, but perhaps he just doesn't understand, since they are careful to behave better when he is around? Day trips or feeding the ducks in the park is better than going into a situation which sounds very stressful. I can feel the tension in your writing and I really think it would be madness to go. Imagine your husband saying that it's fine and he would rather stay at home; how does that make you feel? If the answer is "huge relief" then I think you have your answer.

My mil had a similar relationship with her parents but moved closer to them to help our in their old age even though she resented it and wanted to cut them off. DH knew all this but was grateful to know his GPs anyway.

Well bully for your Dh who got to know his GPs. Meanwhile his mother probably put up with a whole heap of shite from them and ended up resenting them and wanting NC. She should have steered clear of them. And here is history repeating itself with you and your parents. Are you seriously willing to put up with another 10-20 years of crap from your parents, possibly have them move nearer you and expect you to care for them in later years, just so your Ds gets to see them the odd time? Your mil's situation should have you running a mile from your parents. Even if they visit your country, you don't have to put them up. Tell them to book a hotel. Meet them out - at a park, for lunch etc. Or just tell them you're not interested in a relationship with them and you have no intention of letting them get their claws into your ds and control him the way they did you.

@Derbee it's fine you don't have to tell me. But the relevance is I think you sound quite toxic yourself with the suggestions that OP is over sensitive, highly strung etc and I wondered if you had smooth relationships with your own children because you seem so invested in trying to play down what the OP is describing.

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet thank you! Your last paragraph was a revelation! Yes you're right, if DH said he didn't want to go then it would be a huge relief to me. He's been fairly level headed about all this, so I didn't think he was putting pressure on me. But I was putting that pressure on myself knowing that he wanted to go even though he didn't want to say it. But I don't think it's all about him either. If he didn't want to go then that would be very convenient for me - I wouldn't have to think about how I want to manage any interactions with my parents in the future. Aargh, I hate good much headspace I have to give this!

And omg, DS is a climber too. And a runner. So I'd always be on edge too.

I feel a bit better about saying no now. Just need to talk to DH.

Go, especially if it is a freebie.

Don’t go on the holiday.

Encourage your H to read some literature on dysfunctional families, eg recommendations on the Stately Homes threads.

DCs don’t benefit from regular contact with GPs if the GPs behave badly towards their adult DC. I was a DC who had four such grandparents, usually low contact, and had some v negative experiences when one of those GPs had sole charge of us (out of my parents’ desperation for childcare and lapses of judgment!)

@Drum2018

Are you seriously willing to put up with another 10-20 years of crap from your parents, possibly have them move nearer you and expect you to care for them in later years, just so your Ds gets to see them the odd time?

It's interesting you say this because this is something I've been looking into recently and in terms of citizenships it's unlikely we'd ever be able to live near each other. Once DH, DS and I go back to the UK, my parents and I will probably stay on opposite sides of the planet. I think these few years when we are relatively near each other is the best they will get. It makes me a bit sad for them. They have no immediate family where they live now.

@CarolDanvers no children yet, fingers crossed that changes soon. I have a lovely relationship with my family, so I accept that I don’t have first hand experience of the OP’s situation. I wouldn’t say I’m toxic for always wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt though

@29Loopytiles

DCs don’t benefit from regular contact with GPs if the GPs behave badly towards their adult DC.

Thanks, I think you're right there. DH says he was grateful to know his GPs but it is coloured by the resentment his DM had for them.

I think he has a reasonably good relationship with his mum, who has a lovely relationship with DS. So he wants to work towards the same for me and DS and my parents. He has a dysfunctional relationship with his dad, but yeah I don't think he fully understands.

You don't owe anyone contact. If you want it, you need to change the dynamic.

I am still in quite close contact with my parents because I can honestly say that whatever their faults...critical, perfectionist, opinionated etc, their intentions are good.

My DH is very LC with his mother because he can't say the same.

It's taken me decades to come to terms with the fact that I'm not a worthless person and I am capable.

Now I have, I have been able to change the dynamic with my parents by pushing back gently when they say or do something upsetting.

OP I'm your DS as an adult.

My mum has a very toxic relationship with her parents, especially her mother.

However she bit her tongue so my brothers and I could have a relationship with them and I'm grateful for that. You're right, some people make better grandparents than they did parents.

I'm not sure what the answer is in your situation, I just wanted to give you another perspective. Which your DH has already done really.