To let holiday plans fall through because of a pissy email?

[Mummy536]

Long story short I went very low contact with my controlling parents soon after my first child was born. They were very upset and pissed off with me of course but they have given me the space I needed.

We've recently moved much closer to them because of my job (now 3h away as opposed to 12h) and they offered to take us on holiday. DH is keen, I am more reluctant, but on balance, as I can't avoid them visiting for a few days without feeling like a cow, I thought a holiday would be a way to keep us busy so things wouldn't get too intense, so I said I was open to the idea.

So DF says on Monday he's going to make reservations and let him know in 2 days. I've had a ridiculously busy time at work and my hands are full with DS when I get home so I've not had a chance to think about it much.

I've just had a pissy email from DF for not replying. Now I don't feel like going. They provoke a violent, petulant reaction inside me that wants to cut off all contact, and I hate it - I thought I was feeling a bit better about them but it turns out I'm not.

I feel guilty about DH who is exhausted and worried about money and could use a free holiday and DS who barely knows his GPs. Should I suck it up and agree to go?

PS. Therapy might make you determined to go completely NC, my message above makes it sound as if I'm assuming that contact will resume - that might not be what you want or is wise.

My father was a fairly useless father but a tolerably good grandfather, as long as contact was strictly controlled and occasional (which suited him too).

But if you cant cope with dealing with them OP, then they cant have a relationship with your son and it's not fair on either them nor him to pretend otherwise (it's also not kind to yourself).

Yeah my impression is that is you who is hard work here, one of those people who others have to walk on eggshells around. Might be totally wrong of course and your parents may be monsters, just the impression I am getting.

My guilt is denying DS more people who could love him.
You agreed to the holiday in principle. You then received the pissy email. Crap grandparents are not automatically better than no grandparents.

The email is not the reason you shouldn't go.

The reason you shouldn't is you don't like or have a relationship with your parents.

The push email was because the invited you on holiday for free and didn't bother spending 5 minutes replying. Which is actually rude!

I think if you'd actually wanted to go you'd have found the time.

My guilt is denying DS more people who could love him.

Even if those people are controlling and you have had to cut them out of your life for the past two years? Come on OP. You're going to have to come up with a better reason than that. Toxic relatives are rarely better than no relatives!

@04Bluetrews25

If they are buying you a holiday they are also buying you and will use it against you for a very long time.
If finances are tight how can you afford all the spending money?

Those are both very good points.

On the other hand they do already have a hold over us financially. Before we fell out, they gave us a large sum of money for a house purchase that fell through. We offered to give it back to them but they said to keep it. We then fell out when they berated us for wanting to buy a house in the first place (because I was pregnant and house buying is quite stressful apparently 🙄). This wasn't the sole reason for going LC bit it was the trigger. I asked MN what to do about the money at the time and it was pretty split.

Obviously we don’t know the backstory, but it seems quite cruel to keep your DS from knowing his GPs

The OP mentioned the word controlling in her first post, that should help. It's the opposite of cruel actually to keep your children away from controlling people.

@06zafferana

Yeah you got it. Thanks for understanding.

It sounds like they're trying to buy you back, and now your father feels like he can go back to behaving how he likes with you because he's paying.

I think this holiday is the worst possible idea. If you want a relationship with them, do it in a way that doesn't involve you owing them anything.

If you accept the free holiday, you're piling shite onto an already big pile of shite.

@LagunaBubbles But “controlling” is very subjective, hence my comment. As PPs have said, it is certainly possible that she is over sensitive and it is her that is hard work.

Thanks @14LagunaBubbles, yes you got it.

By controlling, I basically didn't have a social life or friends because my parents put academia and grades above everything else in life, so much that I didn't value myself throughout my teens and my 20s and even though their were on the other side of the planet I felt very much under their thumb. I pulled myself together in my 30s and went back to university, and they continued to berate save criticize me for my choices. I think going LC was the first time I've really stood up for myself. I'm in a much better place now with my career and my own family. I thought I was strong enough to facilitate their relationship with my son but this stupid email has brought me right back.

I asked DH what he thought of the email and he thought it was both a bit rude and that I might be overreacting a touch, but he didn't want to invalidate my history and feelings either.

I know they feel a lot of pain at the distance between us.

And yet not so much pain that it motivates them to take a look at themselves and see where they’re going wrong, eh? You’ve only opened the door a crack and already your father has wedged his foot in there with the same old sales pitch that the issues between you are all your fault.

A man who genuinely acknowledged that he was at fault and was truly trying to build bridges would not have sent this pissy email before the time you’d asked for to think about it had even elapsed.

This is the action of a man who is clinging, and will always cling, to the belief that you are the problem. There is nothing in this sweet world, not even your amazing DS, that will change that. And that is what you have to accept if you open the door to them fully again.

Their way, where they make it clear in ever so many little ways, that they are the blameless parents and you are the difficult daughter, or no way. Those are the only two choices you have. Because they’re not going to change. People like that can’t.

Do you really want to be stuck on a cruise ship with people who are determined to make you wrong like that?

@Justmuddlingalong

If you accept the free holiday, you're piling shite onto an already big pile of shite.

Yes I agree. I just don't know what the alternatives are. Refusing to see them when they are geographically close would hurt them. But I really don't want to entertain them at home either.

I guess I was going this holiday would be a kind of neutral ground when they would focus on my son and ask the cruise activities. They are paying too much money to want to spoil it by dredging up the past.

There doesn't have to be an alternative.

You can really tell the difference between those who have and don't have toxic parents on this thread.
On its own, sure, the email might not seem a big deal. As part of a pattern of typical behaviour, difficult communication and changing of goalposts, it is.
That aside, they will wind you up by small actions all week because you are primed to expect controlling and judgemental behaviour.
You will also 'owe' them.
I'd think carefully if you want to increase contact, and take baby steps if you do.

It sounds as though your husband and child should only go on this holiday, due to how you feel about some issues with your parents. It's a shame that this might have to happen,but the way you are feeling now is making you stressed, and you might not get rid of these feelings of anger if you were to go on the holiday.

@MrsCBY

Yes you're right. I guess I'm hoping we can put all that on hold. I know they are desperate to see DS and at least in front of my DH give the appearance that they are lovely people (I allow myself to talk or be alone with them anymore). But yeah this email and my gut reaction to it has made me worry that nothing's changed.

They are paying too much money to want to spoil it by dredging up the past.

They don't have to dredge up the past, their stroppy email demonstrates their ability to take you right back there just by being their toxic selves.

A cruise is pretty much the worse possible scenario. It's not neutral, you're literally stuck with them for the duration. The alternative is to drown.

@Hederex thanks, yes that's it and you're right.

The thing is, because they have to fly 3h to get here, baby steps are hard. It feels like all or nothing. I can limit how often they visit, but once they are here, because of the expense, they'll want to see him often.

I almost wish I hadn't come. I have this amazing job opportunity that I'm almost regretting because it's throwing up all these family issues that I could safely ignore when they were on the other side of the world.

You can really tell the difference between those who have and don't have toxic parents on this thread.

I'm the former and one of the big things I've realised is that it is completely impossible to make everyone happy. It's a shame you can't make your parents happy, but you know what your happiness is actually more important then theirs. If you're anything like me that thought will be strange and uncomfortable thought.

Your DH being 'stressed' is no reason for you to subject yourself to people who don't treat you with respect. And I don't know how he could be less stressed knowing that you are more stressed with the way they're sure to affect you. I know I certainly wouldn't be able to relax if my DH was on tenterhooks or was being treated poorly. I think it's pretty selfish of him to expect you to facilitate his 'relaxing' at an emotional cost to you.

If your DH needs to 'de-stress' then take some time off work, take over his normal SAHP duties (or a larger share of them) and tell him to take a break from being the primary parent/homekeeper in whatever way he wants. He could go camping, play a sport, see movies, or just lay on the sofa and watch you do 'his' job. Whatever floats his boat.

As far as your DC, your parents may well turn out to be very good grandparents, but that's a theory I'd prefer to test out for short periods at a time when I could control the situation (ie I could scram) rather than to potentially subject them to less than stellar grandparenting (and that includes not being respectful to you and DH) for a solid week when I had no easy escape.

And remember that their 'gifts' obviously have strings attached. This is NOT a 'free' holiday. It's an emotional debt that will be added to the emotional debt of the money given for your house purchase.

I wouldn't do it.

I would never go on holiday with my parents. They sound similar to yours. They'll love getting you trapped in a place you can't get away from without a big scene and will try to rope your husband into ganging up on you. I guarantee it.