To let holiday plans fall through because of a pissy email?

[Mummy536]

Long story short I went very low contact with my controlling parents soon after my first child was born. They were very upset and pissed off with me of course but they have given me the space I needed.

We've recently moved much closer to them because of my job (now 3h away as opposed to 12h) and they offered to take us on holiday. DH is keen, I am more reluctant, but on balance, as I can't avoid them visiting for a few days without feeling like a cow, I thought a holiday would be a way to keep us busy so things wouldn't get too intense, so I said I was open to the idea.

So DF says on Monday he's going to make reservations and let him know in 2 days. I've had a ridiculously busy time at work and my hands are full with DS when I get home so I've not had a chance to think about it much.

I've just had a pissy email from DF for not replying. Now I don't feel like going. They provoke a violent, petulant reaction inside me that wants to cut off all contact, and I hate it - I thought I was feeling a bit better about them but it turns out I'm not.

I feel guilty about DH who is exhausted and worried about money and could use a free holiday and DS who barely knows his GPs. Should I suck it up and agree to go?

After reading all this all I can think is why you haven't insisted on giving them back their money if they are so awful? It's a matter of integrity really. If I believe someone is very awful I won't accept anything from them even if they insist.

But it suited you to keep the money. If you go on holiday with them, when you obviously resent them so much you will be doing the same thing with the house. Using them when it suits you and discarding them when you feel like it.

Just keep LC as you have and explain to your DS they are awful to you. In my experience I found that my grandma wasn't as awful as my mum made her out to be.

She gave us a house to live in but we were allowed to visit her until we were teenagers and made out own way there. And she was nothing like the stories we had heard. Turns out my mum was strong headed and didn't listen to any advice from her, but when things went wrong with the decisions she made she wouldnt take responsibility for it and will still blame her mother. Of course when she died my mother felt awful for blaming her for everything.

Parenting is not a walk in the park and sometimes some children just clash with their parents.

Just don't do it. Being 'trapped' being with them for a set amount of time, them paying and feeling this gives them additional control even from usual (as your DF has already demonstrated).... this does not sound like any sort of relaxing holiday. And it sounds like it will probably actually worsen your relationship with them. Find an excuse or just say thank you but no thanks, and wish them a happy time away themselves.

It sounds like they are trying to control you as if you are still a child..., you are equally an adult now. 'Doesn't work for us' is perfectly acceptable.

Christ no. This has to be worst idea ever. And you'd be trapped on a boat!
Don't let them use money to guilt you.
Don't let them use DS to guilt you.
Don't let them use your SAHD DP to guilt you.

Or agree to go ... and repent at leisure...

No you shouldn't go to your parents.

They have been abusing you all of your with a serious crime of domestic abuse according to section 76 of the serious crimes Act 2015.

Stay at home and chill out with your family away from them

OP, I went on a holiday w my mum and step dad and siblings last year to mark a big birthday. My mum booked it 10 months in advance and I felt that to refuse to come would create a huge shut storm. I'm LC with my family normally but I couldn't think of a gentle way to do LC around this. And my children love their cousins so I understand the guilt you feel. It was hard, really hard. We had our own accommodation and I focused on what my children needed. But it brought up a lot and it took me about 2 weeks after to feel like myself again, because for once I could see why LC was a good idea for me and for my family. I really feel for you. Please feel free to PM me.

I'd say go, give them a chance, you may be surprised. I'm sorry but you sound very immature like a teenager rebelling, be adult about it, let them see you're a mum, wife and fully functioning adult. Just apologise for not answering sooner for the reasons you've stated, and carry on, have a lovely holiday and your ds can get to know his grandparents, maybe even babysit on holiday for a couple of hours, so you and dp can have a bit of time together as a couple. Be the bigger person here. Good luck.

We did this once. Shared villa with parents, realised it was a mistake almost immediately. Ended up leaving the villa and checking into a hotel to escape!

Honestly woman, there’s no better way to fall off with people than going on holiday with them, more less so if they are controlling and you have a young kid with you.

You may fall off with them and your husband about this. Going to this holiday to spend a horrible time together on the excuse that is ‘free’ is just.... (to put it kindly) . You both will be coming back far more stressed and tired than you are already.

I'd say that his pissy email was warranted but I still don't think you should go because clearly it turns you into someone you don't like.

Oh, wait so they didn't give you the two days he said? I'm confused

Really, @LemonPrism?
If I sent an email and I hadn't had a response from anyone, let alone my daughter who has a young child and a job, I'd send a gentle reminder.
The father's behaviour is not that of a nice parent. It's controlling, and the reason the OP is upset by it is that they have a lifelong pattern of being controlling.
To the pp who said OP needs to be the bigger person - I suspect she has had a lifetime of trying to be the bigger person, and she's had enough!

It is simple and the majority of people all think the same. If you don't want to go on holiday don't feel guilty as you have every right from the way your relationship is with them to have low contact (and not go on holiday). This is something that happens when people related are controlling or not nice and there are little understanding and flexibility. People that are lucky enough to have good relationships with their parent or if not at least a reciprocal respectful one will not understand a one-sided relationship because Warship is totally wrong and yeah it does make you do things like don't answer when you should have because that is telling you that you can't stand to be in their company let alone talk to them - hence you didn't reply to their email. However, you have to start being frank with them. Don't deny your child the right to see their grandparents but ensure to them that if they keep up with their controlling-ness then you don't need to see them often or at all at times. Better still, if you can trust them with your kid(s) then drop them off and if your kid(s) had a good time then that's the way to go. If they consistently don't like it then tell your parents and don't bother with them if they can't be flexible and adjust accordingly. Let them know, take control otherwise is why they do it if you pussy foot around. If they are narcissitic and don't care then make decisions that keep you mentally sane and if that means you don't see them as much if very little then let them know and at least they will know why. Go on holiday if when around the table eating all together and you can cope with it. If you can't you can always sometimes use them as a babysitter and leave your child with them whilst you and hubby go off cos you don't want to see them and they want to see their grandchild. My child is almost grown now. Don't feel guilty and take charge and don't feel like you need to answer them all the time and on their watch. They had you when you were young and you had no choice and had to behave for them now you are free and adult it should be on your terms if they are extremely difficult otherwise it would be one big happy haven and give and take!!

Telling them you are interested and then providing passport details is a pretty clear sign that you were going. I think just confirming details a couple of days after that is to be expected and yes, I think you are behaving a bit like a stroppy teenager.

You could be a grown up and be the bigger person here. Whatever has happened in the past, you being arsey isn't mature behaviour in this situation.

I read your OP thinking NOOOO DONT GO.

I have a difficult relationship with my parents as well. My mum lives a 2h drive away so we can do short visits, which is how I find it manageable. When we visit I basically hand her the kids and lay low.

My dad lives in the US. He has met my eldest twice and my youngest once. There is never going to be much of a relationship there because of the distance and the fact I hardly speak to him.

It's a bit harsh, but I think that as you don't get on with your parents and they will for the most part live very far away, I wouldn't bother fostering their relationship with DS.

All my extended family lived far away when I was growing up. You don't miss what you don't know.

I wouldn’t go - also wouldn’t think of having them over. What do you have to lose? Why to put an effort to keep the relationship alive?

I'm confused why when they gave you money for the house and that fell through you didn't return the money? I get they told you not to, but I can't imagine keeping it especially if you can't stand them. Let alone cutting off contact after they gave you a ton of money. It just seems like there have been some bad decisions on both sides...

I hear you but you've been quite clear on how you feel and why... nothings changed.

Why are everyone's else's needs/feelings more important than yours?

DP and DC won't have a good time because I envisage all out war and they will be refereeing all week.

Email you dad and say: I've been incredibly busy this week and I've only just had the opportunity to read your emails and I've decided I'm not interested in a holiday with you and mum. Unfortunately I find your behaviour unpleasant bordering on bullying and as an adult I've really no mind to subject myself or my family to such behaviour so until you learn to moderate yourselves you will be seeing very little of us in the future. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt after all these years but I can see nothing has changed.

They know what they're guilty of or they wouldn't be trying to buy you with a holiday.

Accept the situation and continue as you were. Yes it is a shame re: relationship with grandparents but sadly necessary. It's for yours and your families own good and they wouldn't want you to sacrifice your peace of mind for a relationship they won't enjoy anyway.

I suppose we didn't force the return of the house money because it felt like closing the door on my parents completely, like there's no going back. I feel the same about this holiday, that refusing to go, refusing to see them, it would be like spitting in their face. It's cultural. I'm undecided if I want to keep the door open and whether I should try to be kind in their old age. The easy option is to return everything, go NC and pretend they don't exist.

I wouldn’t go - also wouldn’t think of having them over. What do you have to lose? Why to put an effort to keep the relationship alive?

I've been told 3rd hand that they've said they've changed and done what I asked (to stop offering unwanted advice/criticism). And it's true that after I went LC they've largely left me alone - I'm grateful for that much. Recently our relationship thawed slightly when they asked for a really big favour. And since I've not felt as negative about them recently I thought we could find a new normal.

The emails have thrown me though. Obviously I'm still raw.

Then tell them

"I still feel to raw to spend time so much time with you which is what this cruise would entail."

As someone who has just been away with PILs for a week (holiday cottage), don't do it! Honestly it was exhausting. We tried to include them at the beginning but it became unbearable pretty quickly (mainly because FIL is impossible). We ended up being out as much as possible and deliberately choosing child-focused activities they wouldn't do.
We also went to France with my parents last year. They are lovely and kind but it was still impossible and they drove us nuts.
Even with good relationships holidays with extended family are very difficult.

because it felt like closing the door
I’m not convinced it would be as easy as that to close the door.

I think you have talked yourself into a fork in the road where the choices are equally bad
Path one: go on a cruise, at great risk to your emotional stability
Path two: entertain them for an extended period in your home,
Path three: cut off all ties

There are lots of other options here.

For instance: you could go on the cruise, for a day or two, then fly home from one of the ports of call. This could be by prior arrangement, on impulse or for a made up reason like illness.

You could explain that you’re willing to see them on neutral ground in your home city at the beginning and end of the week, but not more than that. They can stay in a hotel and sight see instead. They can afford this.

You can refuse to see them at all but facilitate a Skype relationship with your ds.

You could let them visit ds and dh in your home but get “held up at work” unexpectedly.

You could have them to stay and decamp to a hotel if it gets too much for you.,

I’m throwing out random ideas here, not to advocate any particular one but to try and show you that there are always more options. Don’t allow the fear and anger to blinker you.

Please don’t underestimate the potential damage that this kind of emotional stress can wreak on your family. You’ve been suicidal in the past. But now you have a family of your own, and your ds needs you to be strong, not plunged back into dangerous mental instability.

I know you feel you owe your ds a relationship with his gps, but a healthy mum is far, far more important. Whatever level of relationship and contact you pursue has to be determined by your boundaries and emotional safety.

“The easy option is to return everything, go NC and pretend they don't exist.”

I’m not sure that would be an easy option for you as you’re conflicted and would feel guilt but given you have retained the large amount of cash they gave you, I think you have two options:

-go see a therapist and figure out a way to maintain some kind of relationship with your parents and manage them constructively plus deal with the resentment and perception you have of them or

-go see a therapist to figure out how to go no contact with them without guilt and return the money.

In the meantime find an excuse not to go on holiday with them for the time being as no matter what you decide it sounds like you could do with some counselling, there are a lot of layers to this and potentially some cultural aspects which could be making it more complicated.

The pp who set out various compromise options is absolutely right but you react (in your words) petulantly to your parents so it’s hard for you to make sensible suggestions at the moment, some counselling might help you get there, would you consider that?

How awful were the emails from them? I have found that emails can sometimes be misunderstood. Are you sure they were just not very excited at the thought of you all meeting up for the holiday and wanted to get on with booking it? They are not 'buying you' when paying for your holiday, they just want to do something nice for you, same as when they didn't want return of previous money.