To let holiday plans fall through because of a pissy email?

[Mummy536]

Long story short I went very low contact with my controlling parents soon after my first child was born. They were very upset and pissed off with me of course but they have given me the space I needed.

We've recently moved much closer to them because of my job (now 3h away as opposed to 12h) and they offered to take us on holiday. DH is keen, I am more reluctant, but on balance, as I can't avoid them visiting for a few days without feeling like a cow, I thought a holiday would be a way to keep us busy so things wouldn't get too intense, so I said I was open to the idea.

So DF says on Monday he's going to make reservations and let him know in 2 days. I've had a ridiculously busy time at work and my hands are full with DS when I get home so I've not had a chance to think about it much.

I've just had a pissy email from DF for not replying. Now I don't feel like going. They provoke a violent, petulant reaction inside me that wants to cut off all contact, and I hate it - I thought I was feeling a bit better about them but it turns out I'm not.

I feel guilty about DH who is exhausted and worried about money and could use a free holiday and DS who barely knows his GPs. Should I suck it up and agree to go?

[Ragwort]

Surely it would be madness to go on holiday with them when you have been low contact for such a long time, be honest ... are you going for the sake of a free holiday?

Family holidays, even with people you get on with very well, can be incredibly difficult ... don’t go.

[BarbariansMum]

I think you need to make a decision and stick to it. If you are lc with someone, then you dont holiday with them. If you say you will holiday with people, then dont blow hot and cold.

[Mummy536]

DH is also worried at all the resentment I'm holding onto. We don't think a Holst will solve things, but he's worried about the idea of me closing the door to them entirely.

[Samosaurus]

I would still go if I were you, but have a plan B to leave early if necessary. You do sound a bit petulant as you say, but only you know the back story of how controlling they were, and whether or not your attitude is justified.

[Justmuddlingalong]

How have things changed, that you're happy with more contact with them? Is it solely to facilitate a relationship between them and your DS?

[swingofthings]

So really you are prepared to tolerate them as long as they pay for you and family to go on holiday.

And you can't even be bothered to reply when asked. Mmmm, i think you'll be doing your parents a favour by not going.

[Mummy536]

The main reason I agreed to go is guilt - they don't have any other immediate family, this is their only GC. I know I don't owe then anything, but I feel like I'm being cruel by keeping DS away from them. I know they feel a lot of pain at the distance between us. It hasn't been an issue until now because the distance was geographical as well as emotional. But now the geographical gap has closed and they are elated and want to make the most of it.

[Mummy536]

@Justmuddlingalong

How have things changed, that you're happy with more contact with them? Is it solely to facilitate a relationship between them and your DS?

Yes that's it exactly.

[Derbee]

A cruise is a great idea for a holiday to test how you get on. Sharing a house would be a nightmare, but this way you’ll have your own cabins, nobody needs to cook etc.

I would go, and make the effort

[Mummy536]

They asked me for a very big favour a few weeks ago, and during that period I felt as bit better about everything with them. Now I feel back to where I was when I first went low contact ☹️

[Justmuddlingalong]

I think that dealing with your reaction to their behaviour will benefit you more than a holiday. If your back is up with them generally, it won't take much for you to explode. Holidaying with them is really jumping in at the deep end.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

This feels harsh but I can't understand why you think this holiday is a good idea. Given this minimal contact, your parents are responding by bullying you.

[gostiwooz]

No no no no no no no. Just no. Don't do it.

[viques]

No holiday.

Find a neutral place halfway between you, national trust property or something similar and suggest you meet up for a day.

Don't jump into the water unless you know what is under the surface.

[Derbee]

Obviously we don’t know the backstory, but it seems quite cruel to keep your DS from knowing his GPs

[NoFucksImAQueen]

if the only reason is let them build a relationship with gc and you dont want to go then why dont you tell your partner to go with your ds and you stay? husband gets a holiday, they get to bond with gc and you get a peaceful week

[Mummy536]

Honestly I'm not going for a free holiday. I did ask my DH if he could just take DS on their own but it stress DH out having to deal with them on my behalf.

[Drum2018]

So you'd be happy to subject Ds to their controlling behaviour as he grows up? Or for him to witness their continuing control of you? You really should access some counselling to realise that you do not have to feel guilty for not wanting a relationship with them, or for the fact they don't have other close family, or for the fact they have now moved closer ... They are still the same people and it's doubtful they will change.

[category12]

If they're controlling and toxic towards you, why on earth are you trying to foster a relationship for your child with them? They'll just do the same to him.

[Mummy536]

And my DS is not an easy kid. DH is a SAHD so if he had the sole responsibility of looking after him then it would be less of a holiday if I wasn't there to share the load.

My parents in their 70s and too old to run around after a 2yo on their own.

[category12]

Put your ds first, not your guilt and their wants.

[Mummy536]

I guess on the one hand I realise that some people are better grandparents than they are parents. They do love my DS loads even though they barely know him.

On the other hand I fully intend to limit any potential toxicity.

My mil had a similar relationship with her parents but moved closer to them to help our in their old age even though she resented it and wanted to cut them off. DH knew all this but was grateful to know his GPs anyway. So I'm trying to look at things from that perspective too.

[Bluetrews25]

Nope, bad idea.
Crap parents make crap grandparents. Your husband probably had nice ones so he is struggling to see why you went LC.
Taking a baby on holiday is a nightmare - same jobs but in unfamiliar circumstances and without your usual equipment, plus more pressure than usual to keep the noise down. There will be a struggle not to let your DMum and DDad do things their way with DC.
If they are buying you a holiday they are also buying you and will use it against you for a very long time.
If finances are tight how can you afford all the spending money?
Please do not go. Not worth it on so many levels.
Get your DH to take time off and rest.
You don't have to go away on a holiday.

[Mummy536]

My guilt is denying DS more people who could love him. Both DH and I both have very small families.

[zafferana]

Oh dear - what a mess! So really you'd still rather be LC or NC with them, but because you've moved and you have a DC they're pushing for access and you feel horribly guilty for keeping them out of your life, even though you'd prefer that and having controlling people in your DC's life and the chance of a bond developing between them is a bad idea ...

Personally, I think you should say no to the holiday and tell them you need more time. Then use that time to get some therapy so you can start to unpick how you feel and why and how you want to handle things going forward. Only then, when you're feeling strong enough, should you make plans to re-enter into a relationship with them and it should be on your terms, not theirs.

I fear the holiday will be a disaster. Your visceral reaction to an email is a clue to how they will make you feel once you're standing next to them.