To be fucking pissed off at DP?

[Between4and30character]

I don't want to drip-feed so please excuse waffling.

DP and I have been together for four years, we previously lived together but due to circumstamces we can't help he is back with his parents and I am renting my own place with my DS.

Our finances have always been a bit of a guddle, he covered all rent and bills from his wage before and I would pay my half to him from my wages. Otherwise, most things were separate. It has grated on me before that once the bills are paid he thinks everything else is for fun, ie. I would end up covering food shopping and petrol where he would spend whatever he had left on concert tickets or going to the football. He did make more of an effort after I said it wasnt on but still spent more on himself than was fair IMO.

Anyway, even though we live apart I still transfer a small amount each month to cover my half of a credit card bill and my phone bill which are in his name. Generally speaking it has always been that bills come off his wage and then he lives off the rest for a couple of weeks until I pay him in the middle of the month.

Whilst he has lived rent-free at his parents, I have had to cover the costs of moving and rent/utilities by myself. I receive a small amount of universal credit to help with this on top of my full-time wage.

This month I have been left really short, I had to find a childminder to do after school care for DS as a couple of family members who usually help now have other commitments. UC pay childcare in arrears so I have had to stump up for a full month that I hadnt budgeted for - not eligible for advance and I am really struggling to make it to payday. I have managed to scrape together enough to cover the childminder but it is DS' birthday this week. I have got him a nice gift but no cake, no card and no little extras. I havent even got food in to feed the family menbers who will be visiting on the day.

I asked DP last week if he might be able to help me out until i get paid at the end of the month. He has just been paid. He said he couldnt afford to and listed a few things he had paid for but it didnt add up.

I dont want to waffle any longer but the jist of it is that he spent nearly £100 in one night in the pub, plus a stupid amount in the app store (£60ish) on a game that he plays, various other shite that is neither sensible or necessary, whilst having bare minimum living costs.

AIBU to be upset he refused to help me even a little hit but managed to spunk aoad of cash on this crap? I mean wtf?

He sounds like an immature idiot. What grown man spends £60 on an app? He thinks groceries are a discretionary/ fun expense therefore doesn't think to contribute? Why is he living back with his parents? Is the plan that he will eventually live with you in the place you are currently renting?

I think you need to clarify whether you are partners or just dating. he lives separately, it's not his son and he's spending like a single man - it sounds like he thinks you're just dating now?

It sounds like you live a hand to mouth existence with little safety net. You need to work out whether you can rely on him. If the answer is no, then get rid and plan your finances accordingly.

Someone who works but lives expense free with his parents should be able to cobble together money for a cake and a card. This would make me feel very unloved and insecure about our future, especially whether it was good for my son.

@Soon2BeMumof3 couldn’t have said it better. Do you really need someone so immature and crap with money in yours and your child’s life?
I think you deserve better, OP.

You have no right to his money but he sounds horrible.

Well if he has spent his money before you've asked for it, then how can you complain? You live separately, your finances are now completely separate, he is entirely reasonable to spend his money as he wishes. Whether you believe it's sensible spending or not, it actually is his decision. You have no right to his money, nor do you have any say on his spending, and this is the same for you. Of course, if he asks for financial advise, by all means give it.

I'm not sure where your long term plans are for the relationship, but unless you have honestly sat down and discussed a plan where you want to live together and have decided you will save X amount a month each in order to do so, his money is his to enjoy and spend. He has no financial obligation towards your child either.

Sure, it would have been nice if he could have helped out, but if he does not have it - he does not have it. Therefore you are being unreasonable to be so annoyed over this.

Perhaps what you need to decide is what you want from a relationship.

It is the child his?

I am confused do you have joint finances or not.

It seems your relationship is viewed different by you.

Yabu.
His money is his money.
It's his choice to live with his parents therefore having no rent/mortgage. It's your choice to pay rent and bills.
I would question where the relationship is going though if I were you.

Ultimately you and your child are your responsibility. He may be a deadbeat but isn’t responsible financially to either of you. Nor you to him. You don’t have to give him money, he doesn’t have to give you any. But it’s not a great relationship so walk away now

Ultimately, it's his money to do with what he likes as he's not under any financial obligation to help you. Your post comes across as if you think he should be paying all the joint credit card debt - assuming you're jointly responsible for building up this debt, why would you think he should pay it all? I don't like think of a single mum struggling but your finances are your responsibility and is seek some advice to try and get yourself on an even keel under your own steam.

You must be on a high salary if you only receive a “small amount of universal credit”

Single mother with one school aged child receiving no other income aside from work would receive at least £500 a month on average salary. And that’s not taking I’m to account any housing benefit element

Yes he’s a fool and I’m surprised you’re with him

Sounds like you have two children on your hands. Keep the one you like best and ditch the other one.

The adult child sounds immature and selfish. I think you and your son deserve better. I would stop paying him any money and focus on the two of you. When/if your finances are looking up you can look to restart credit card payments. It's too bad for him that they are in his name.

@lovemenorca makes a good point. What is your salary? If you're a high full time earner with a school aged child who historically has had free childcare - then why are you running out of money to the point where you can't buy a cake?

Never mind DP- Where does all your money go?

You need to ditch the man child and then sort your own finances out.

The money you 'give' him is money you owe him. For your own phone and for your half of a credit card. It's not relevant to the rest of the situation. It's not money you are lending him.

He didn't know that you were going to ask him for money this month and has now spent it. I don't know why you are surprised by this as he's been doing it for four years so why would this month be different?

There is no way I'd have a relationship with somebody who carried on like this. He sounds like an absolute loser. Hopefully this incident will help you see that he's not who you want him to be.

Is your DS your boyfriend’s son or someone else’s?

If he’s not his child, what’s the story with his dad? Where does his financial support come into this?

I’d hate to be in a partnership with some of the people on this thread.

Of course it is reasonable to expect your partner to help you, there’s just no way if he’s just been paid and has no bills that he’s spent all of his salary. If he had he could have offered to spend the £20 on the credit card.

To PP moaning about how much universal credit she gets, I was part time earning £12k, single mum to 2 children and got £800 a month. How would a full time person get £500 on average?? The op has explained that she’s had to pay unexpected childcare bill.

Op I would leave him. I couldn’t be with someone who cared so little for me and my child.

OP this isn't normal. How can you call this man your "DP"? He's not arsed! Normal, good Fathers live with their partners and children.

They don't live at their parents and spend all their money on themselves.

As for the people saying he's not financially responsible...what PLANET are you on?? This man is the Father of her child!

Or is he? Is he your child's Dad OP?

@Between4and30character

I am part time (24 hours) on £40k (pro rata £24 a year, so above the national average for full time).
I own my property so no housing benefit element
I have two school aged children

I receive £724 a month from UC.

The OP will be receiving a very sizeable amount from UC

They have been together for 4 years and her child is at school so clearly not the father. If he was this would be shocking. As it is OP it just makes it abundantly clear that he doesn't see himself in a partnership with you. He's your boyfriend, nothing more.

Not married
Don't live together
Don't have joint finances
Is the child both yours ?
Why would he share all his money with you ?

Is your child his child?

He obviously has his own demands that he needs to meet and you're not entitled to a cut of his money but he sounds a bit mean and not very caring if he doesn't want to help you even a little bit!

@lovemenorca does that include a childcare element? I wonder why I only got a tiny bit more than you on half your salary!

Uc depends if you rent you get a housing element if you dont you get a higher personal allowance any disability and how often you are paid because if your paid twice in the assessment period you lose it all

Part time 24K (£1400/1500 net?) & £724 p/m UC?
I honestly didn't think UC was that much

Too many unanswered questions here. Let's presume DS is not his. So your not living together, you don't sound like a couple. Sack him off. He's a waster. If DS is his then seek a more formal financial arrangement.

This is weird but unless:

1. Your earnings significantly outstrip his (say £70k vs £30k)
2. The child is not his (as that brings in other factors about responsibilities)

Then he’s being a tightwad.

I know I will get flamed for this but the hallmark of a developed adult relationship (for most) is a joint account.

If there’s not enough trust there to get one of those set up just for bills and council tax, rent, mortgage, then that raises questions about the future of your relationship you may wish to examine, especially with a DC on the threshold of school age.