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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking pissed off at DP?

213 replies

Between4and30character · 17/09/2019 03:56

I don't want to drip-feed so please excuse waffling.

DP and I have been together for four years, we previously lived together but due to circumstamces we can't help he is back with his parents and I am renting my own place with my DS.

Our finances have always been a bit of a guddle, he covered all rent and bills from his wage before and I would pay my half to him from my wages. Otherwise, most things were separate. It has grated on me before that once the bills are paid he thinks everything else is for fun, ie. I would end up covering food shopping and petrol where he would spend whatever he had left on concert tickets or going to the football. He did make more of an effort after I said it wasnt on but still spent more on himself than was fair IMO.

Anyway, even though we live apart I still transfer a small amount each month to cover my half of a credit card bill and my phone bill which are in his name. Generally speaking it has always been that bills come off his wage and then he lives off the rest for a couple of weeks until I pay him in the middle of the month.

Whilst he has lived rent-free at his parents, I have had to cover the costs of moving and rent/utilities by myself. I receive a small amount of universal credit to help with this on top of my full-time wage.

This month I have been left really short, I had to find a childminder to do after school care for DS as a couple of family members who usually help now have other commitments. UC pay childcare in arrears so I have had to stump up for a full month that I hadnt budgeted for - not eligible for advance and I am really struggling to make it to payday. I have managed to scrape together enough to cover the childminder but it is DS' birthday this week. I have got him a nice gift but no cake, no card and no little extras. I havent even got food in to feed the family menbers who will be visiting on the day.

I asked DP last week if he might be able to help me out until i get paid at the end of the month. He has just been paid. He said he couldnt afford to and listed a few things he had paid for but it didnt add up.

I dont want to waffle any longer but the jist of it is that he spent nearly £100 in one night in the pub, plus a stupid amount in the app store (£60ish) on a game that he plays, various other shite that is neither sensible or necessary, whilst having bare minimum living costs.

AIBU to be upset he refused to help me even a little hit but managed to spunk aoad of cash on this crap? I mean wtf?

OP posts:
MollyButton · 17/09/2019 07:44

You need to separate financially - get your own credit card and phone contract. If your DS is his then claim child support.
I'd probably separate entirely, but that is your choice.

Wildorchidz · 17/09/2019 07:44

Stop paying towards his debts- his name his debts.

Where does the op say she is paying towards his debts? She is transferring him money to pay her share of a credit card bill and her phone.

HennyPennyHorror · 17/09/2019 07:50

Wtfdoipick what do you mean? where does OP say how old her child is or how long she's been with her partner?

NameChangeNugget · 17/09/2019 07:55

Your only boyfriend & girlfriend, I’m struggling to see why he should be propping you up.
If you don’t like his lifestyle, end it

NameChangeNugget · 17/09/2019 07:55

You’re

polkadotpixie · 17/09/2019 08:02

@lovemenorca How are you entitled to that much? Genuine question, not being snarky!

DH & I earn £26k between us, both working at low paid jobs, 1 child and live in a shared ownership property so do pay rent and we're entitled to nothing but child benefit 😩

Carthage · 17/09/2019 08:03

And if you didn't have the money. I'd expect someone living with their parents, with no other responsibilities to have twenty quid spare just until after payday. OP has had an unexpected expense. She was asking to be helped out until payday, not for him to cover her childcare costs in perpetuity.

Wtfdoipick · 17/09/2019 08:04

DP and I have been together for four years,

I had to find a childminder to do after school care for DS as a couple of family members who usually help now have other commitments

@HennyPennyHorror those 2 sentences from the op plus the birthday this week means that the ds is turning 5 at the youngest (probably older or I suspect just starting school would have been mentioned) The DP is not the father.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 17/09/2019 08:05

You are not living together. Child by the sounds is not his. There is no shared outgoings or finances so why should he need to contribute. He budgeted for his expeneses and spends his free money as he wishes. He is perfectly within his rights to do so. I don't control what my fiancé spends his own money on either. We have a joined acount where household bills and nights out comes from that we put an equal amount in but the money in our own seperate account is our own. I might ask for an opinion as does he and usually the respons is 'if you can afford it and it'll make you happy go for it'. His money is his to spend

HoppingPavlova · 17/09/2019 08:07

Anyway, even though we live apart I still transfer a small amount each month to cover my half of a credit card bill and my phone bill which are in his name. Generally speaking it has always been that bills come off his wage and then he lives off the rest for a couple of weeks until I pay him in the middle of the month.

So, you and your partner live separately. You have joint credit card debt. You have a phone that is under your your partners name/account.

Each month you pay him your share of the credit card debt and for your phone. Apart from that your money is your money and his money is his money or is there some other arrangement? If no arrangement then it would be unreasonable to be pissed off with him for spending his money on whatever he wants even if it is something you can’t see the value in, down the pub or a computer game for example.

I don’t understand whether your child is your partners or not? If so, do you have a child support arrangement and if not, now is the time to formalise it. If your child is not his, then he doesn’t owe you any money in this regard. So, hard to tell whether YANBU or YABU. If he is the child’s father, does not pay any child support and would not fork out for a cake and a card then YANBU. If he is not the child’s father then he is not obliged to give you money to cover these things and YABU.

category12 · 17/09/2019 08:08

Again, he's lived with the child, presumably in a step-father type role, and he's still in the child's life - he damned well ought to have an interest in helping out and making the child's birthday nice.

category12 · 17/09/2019 08:10

He may not legally have any obligation, but emotionally he should give a shit and scrape around for a few quid to make things better.

lovemenorca · 17/09/2019 08:17

@polkadotpixie

I don’t know why. Gov policy.

All I know is that that’s what I’m entitled to.

Windydaysuponus · 17/09/2019 08:18

Sort a phone contract in your own name . Pay what you owe on the cc and block him.

polkadotpixie · 17/09/2019 08:21

@lovemenorca No need to be arsey with me, I was only asking

Span1elsRock · 17/09/2019 08:24

If he loved your son, he'd have given you the money.

He's telling you where you both are on his list of priorities, have some self respect and move on.

Hope your DS enjoys his birthday.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2019 08:42

Dunno why you're bothering with him at all, tbh.
Disengage your finances from him entirely and go your separate ways.

lovemenorca · 17/09/2019 08:49

Oh sorry - misinterpretation.
Wasn’t being arsey. But no idea about why, I just am

Billben · 17/09/2019 08:54

No need to be arsey with me, I was only asking

She wasn’t arsey at all 🙄

DoctorAllcome · 17/09/2019 08:57

While I think OPs boyfriend could have spotted her even £10, I have to wonder where all her money went? Why is she struggling to the extent she has no food in the house?
OP- you are right to feel a bit miffed that he would not spot you £10, but “fucking pissed” sounds overly angry and entitled tbh.

In regards to bday card- just make one
In regards to party food- have a potluck or bbq where everyone brings one dish
In regards to birthday cake- I am having trouble understanding how you could not have means to bake one? It’s just self-raising flour, eggs, sugar, cocoa. And icing is just milk, butter, sugar and cocoa.

Or, I am assuming that because you pay towards a credit card bill, that you have a credit card? Just put £10 on there for food & cake ingredients. I’ve had to put groceries on the credit cards before when we had furloughs so had to work without pay.

Juells · 17/09/2019 08:57

Doesn't sound like the OP's son is his, and he likes being single. Not much can be done about that, apart from accepting that you're single yourself, and sorting out your own life.

If the OP's son is his, then maintenance needs to be organised quickly.

Tilltheendoftheline · 17/09/2019 09:03

I'd expect someone living with their parents, with no other responsibilities to have twenty quid spare

Does he have 20 pound spare. And is it just £20. More things for the child and food to feed guests?

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/09/2019 09:04

Stop giving him money for the credit card. It’s in his name therefore legally his debt. Get the phone in your name. The relationship has broken down. There are many many decent men out there. He isn’t one of them. I hope you find a family member to lend you the money and your ds has a lovely birthday. Can you make a cake? It will be cheaper if you have the tins etc or can borrow them. Could grandma / grandad make one for him?

category12 · 17/09/2019 09:05

Op explained where her money went in the opening post.

Bibidy · 17/09/2019 09:07

Stop giving him money for the credit card. It’s in his name therefore legally his debt. Get the phone in your name.

Wow so OP should just completely screw him over and leave him with her debt? How is that being encouraged, that's shocking?!

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